End of a 1.5 year long LDR relationship and seeking guidance

[Cradily]

Hello readers. I've got a story for you today, and this one's for the ages. I'm optimistic that someone can give me some insight on my situation and what to do from here on out. I posted this earlier in the Breaks and Breakups subforum, but I think it would be better placed here, since you all have been in my shoes.

 

So, despite being a college student, I still very much love Pokemon. I took an interest into the competitive scene a few years back and began attending tournaments across the country. After meeting a friend at a Regional, he convinced me to take the drive to Indianapolis that year for Nationals, and while I was there, I met a girl that would eventually become my best friend and girlfriend. Fun fact; we actually didn't rub each other the right way when we first met, in fact, I hated her guts. But despite that, it was her birthday the day of the competition and was too busy playing in top cut to celebrate, so I got her a cake. A few months later, we decided to become friends and grew close.

 

One of the catalysts that brought us together in the first place was the mutually terrible places our lives were at. She had just recently been dumped by her first serious boyfriend of almost 2 years that she intended on marrying and gave her virginity to, as I was living in an abusive household with no clear end in sight. We became close friends and after a month or two, I was beginning to develop small feelings, sort of like a little crush you'd get in high school. All of a sudden, though, she told me she had found a new boyfriend, and I was both happy for her but a little upset at the same time. I was very immature at this stage of my life; I lacked foresight and would often fall apart at even the smallest of problems, like not having a date to this dance or not having many friends. She told me later down the road that I was a child at best, but that's irrelevant.

 

Without going into detail, the guy that she was dating turned out to be not so stellar. By not so stellar, I mean he constantly mentally abused her and pressured her into lots of things she wasn't comfortable with like sex. I never outright told her how I felt about the guy while they were together, but as we shared a pool of mutual friends, I was very open about my feelings of the guy. But despite that, I smiled and supported her at every turn. Let's fast forward to Nationals that year, a year after I had met her, and she started to realize that the guy she was dating wasn't exactly Mr. Perfect. She had caught on to how horribly she'd been treated, and concluded that she was giving him one more chance to stop her from breaking it off, but she knew that he'd mess it up again. I didn't know about that last part until after she had left the convention center, when a friend told me in passing. About a week passed, and I, now in love with her, broke down and told her how terrible I thought he was, and how much I cared for her. This ultimately prompted her to end the relationship with her then boyfriend, and we began one of our own immediately after. There's just one small hitch...

 

She lives in Texas, and I live in Pennsylvania. Up until that point, the only chances we had of seeing each other were at Pokemon tournaments every 3 months, and even then it was a stretch. So what I ended up doing was picking up not one but two jobs on top of being a full time student in my senior year of High School, so I could afford plane tickets to see her more frequently. Over the next year or so, I had helped her transform from a damaged and timid girl to a confident and strong woman. By the time we had reached our one year anniversary and I visited her home for two weeks, everything was perfect. The distance might have been tough for both of us, but we made it work, and the times we spent together in person made it all worthwhile, even when they were only for a few days. Unfortunately, here's where the happy part of my story ends.

 

Because the distance was so great and the amount of work I had to put in so I could make these trips happen, on top of all the crap I was dealing with at home, I was incredibly lonely, and I missed her dearly. I would come to her asking for attention or affection to make me feel better, but it was a problem that would be addressed but never fully go away; it was more like putting a band-aid on an open wound. The first time it sucked but it was no big deal, but it was a problem I kept having as the relationship continued, and it slowly became more of an issue to her. A close mutual friend of both of us had told me recently that she had contemplating breaking up when this problem first began, but wanted to give me more chances to fix it up. I however, didn't realize the severity of what was happening.

 

She would usually text me once a day, and we would usually have a "Skype date" every other day for a few hours. She devoted a lot of time out of her day to spending it with me, and although I appreciated it, I became greedy, and soon enough I wasn't satisfied. That's when she told me she would be attending university in the coming semester, instead of her community college. I was petrified because I can't count on both hands the number of friends I had that watched their relationship die because of uni. I remained supportive while I panicked on the inside. We had one last visit before she went off to school over the holidays, where I stayed for three weeks. Over the course of those three weeks, she took me to the home of her family, New Orleans where I met her extremely prestigious family; a feat that no prior boyfriend had ever accomplished due to how difficult they are to please and accept outsiders. I ended up sticking the landing and they all loved me. Over the visit, I told her that I was scared of the change about to happen in both of our lives, but she assured me that she loved me and that she wouldn't be going anywhere.

 

Well...that ended up not being true. About a month ago, I had my problem with attention again, only this time, she was in school and I only talked to her maybe once or twice a week on Skype. She had become fully engrossed in her studies and work, and when she tried to negotiate, I was rather rude with her, telling her that any change she could make is something she cannot do, otherwise she would have done it already. I texted her again later that night explaining that I was unhappy and that I wanted to work on this, but instead, she told me that we should break up. And I fell into all the traps; when she told me over the phone, I quite literally fell to my knees and burst into tears, begging her to reconsider and give me another chance. She told me that she didn't think we could make the relationship work anymore because we needed different things, she wanted to move on, and she felt she was unable to make me happy. Another thing she told me was that she thinks I'd be happier with someone that lives closer that I can pour all my affection into, and that breaking up was the only way I could grow up. I eventually accepted my fate, and a few days later, I sent her a note telling her that I don't regret our relationship and that I didn't want her to either, and that I still wanted to remain in her life. She told me she felt the same way but needed time to heal, and would reach out to me in two weeks.

 

Two weeks later, she did reach out to me, but immediately told me that if we were to be friends, there would have to be some ground rules. She made of point of saying that she didn't want us to become friends so I could get back together with her. She said she was moving on, and if my end goal was us reconciling, she thinks it would be best if we didn't speak to each other anymore. Not wanting to be cut out, I told her it would be okay and we engaged in small talk, before she caught the hint that I was busy and left. I was really hurt and angered by this meeting, and a few days later, I wrote her a letter explaining that I didn't like how it was handled. I told her that I still loved her, and that although I was trying to move on, I was still very much in pain. I told her that if we couldn't be a couple again, I wanted to go back to being her best friend and repair our friendship, and acknowledged that there are probably a lot of intense feelings we have regarding the breakup. I proposed we sit on Skype and talk about our feelings. She ended up responding by saying she wasn't opposed to getting back on track, but that she was busy with midterms and it would be a few weeks before she had time.

 

I briefly messaged her on Friday with something related to what we were talking about before (It was about Pokemon), and when I tried ending the conversation, I was surprised to see that she still kept it going. I told her that I'd let her go but I'd be around if she ever wanted to talk, I'd be around. She told me that her studies had picked up and she had a lot to handle. I offered to help her if she needed it, but she told me she had it covered, then started carrying the conversation by telling me about her GPA. I gave her the generic "I'm proud of you and you should be too" and she replied by telling me how proud she is and all the stuff she's doing with school. Again wanting to cut it off, all I replied with was "I'm glad to hear that" and she brought up that Pokemon thing that I started the convo with, saying she'd catch up to me in that, but I told her she should focus on her grades. She told me she was and that she was confident in herself. Seeing how this didn't seem to be ending anytime soon, I reminded her of when she was originally going into nursing and had boatloads of work every night, and that I saw for myself how dedicated she was to her studies. I low key flirted with her and told her it was admirable and that it inspired me to do my best. She replied that it's good to have drive, and then started telling me about how work was going. I told her I'd love to hear about it more when we have time to sit down and chat, and that I was glad both of us are in such good places. She seemed surprised by this and told me it was great. I told her that I'd been trying to better myself from the breakup and grow as a person, and she told me she'd love to hear about it. The conversation ended there because she ended up being late for a study session.

 

Here's the thing. I want to be her friend because she was (and still is) my best friend, but at the same time, I want us to get back together. In this month of solitude, I've learned what I did wrong. I lacked empathy and patience, and as a result I ended up hurting her, and couldn't understand the problem whenever she came to me. I acknowledge that I wasn't as mature as she was (there's a 3 year age gap, she's 21 and I'm 18). I've learned that I can't depend on her or anyone else to make me happy, and it's something that can only come from myself. I've grown a lot in the last month, but I'm not done growing yet. We haven't had that Skype talk about our feelings yet, but I want to tell her about all that I've learned. She told me that if there were a solution to the problems we were having, she wouldn't want to break up, but concluded that there wasn't. I've been told by a close mutual friend that she's no longer in love with me, but I know that she still cares about me incredibly much. Everyone has told me that it's time to give up and move on, but I don't want to do that. I decided to put her theory of being happier with someone local to the test a few weeks ago, by reaching out to an old friend and crush from high school. We went out on a few dates and in the last instance it began to get rather heated, but I ended up stopping myself because I realized I still have feelings for my ex. Over the course of our relationship, she told me that she had never loved anyone more than she loved me, and that I made her happier than she's ever been in her life, with those two weeks we spent together for her birthday and our anniversary being the best she's ever had. This decision to breakup wasn't something that came out of the blue and is something she thought about for a long time, but I don't think it's the best thing for both of us.

 

She is very devoted to her studies, and right now, they are her top priority. Our mutual friend has told me that there's no way she's going to be interested in even dating for a long time, possibly not until she graduates from college. She says she has moved on, and implied she would like me to do the same. But I believe there's a way this can be fixed. I think that if I grow up a bit, now with the knowledge of what I did wrong and the comprehension of how much she cared and how bad my life is without her, we can get back together and be better than ever. I'm not expecting this to be an over-night thing, and I'm willing to wait. But I love this girl, and even though she probably doesn't feel the same way anymore, I think that spark can be revived. After all, she was the one that told me she would never do a long distance relationship, let alone date someone she played Pokemon with, and look where that ended? I've accepted that we've broken up and I know that even if this really is the end, I'll be okay. But I want to give this another try.

 

Talk to me, loveshack. Ask me any questions you'd like. I've scoured the internet for the last month desperate for insight and tips on what to do. I've encountered over 5 of those snake oil salesman "Get your ex back" programs, and while I thankfully didn't spent a dime on any, it has left me discouraged. If you read through the whole thing, you really are a great person, and you have my thanks.

Edited March 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit for name

[okc85]

I'm sorry, but this relationship is over. Life doesn't work like a romantic comedy or fairy tale. Love doesn't conquer all. She's a 21 year old girl who wants to live her life. She's in school, devoted to work, and perhaps to a social life (that doesn't involve skype.)

 

You need to be grateful for the experience with her, and move on.

 

I know it's hard right now, but you will find love again. You don't have to hate tiffany or anything (she did nothing wrong) but just let her grow, and you need to grow, too. We all do. life is cyclical.

[Cradily]

I'm sorry, but this relationship is over. Life doesn't work like a romantic comedy or fairy tale. Love doesn't conquer all. She's a 21 year old girl who wants to live her life. She's in school, devoted to work, and perhaps to a social life (that doesn't involve skype.)

 

You need to be grateful for the experience with her, and move on.

 

I know it's hard right now, but you will find love again. You don't have to hate tiffany or anything (she did nothing wrong) but just let her grow, and you need to grow, too. We all do. life is cyclical.

 

I'd like to thank you for reading it through until the end. I admittedly became discouraged as I watched this thread begin to get buried under new ones, but I'm really glad at least one person checked it out.

 

I mean this in no confrontational way whatsoever, but what makes you so positive that it's over? What's the damning piece that's making you say that the book is closed? Is there any possibility of anything happening down the road, even after she sees how much I've grown?

[okc85]

I'd like to thank you for reading it through until the end. I admittedly became discouraged as I watched this thread begin to get buried under new ones, but I'm really glad at least one person checked it out.

 

I mean this in no confrontational way whatsoever, but what makes you so positive that it's over? What's the damning piece that's making you say that the book is closed? Is there any possibility of anything happening down the road, even after she sees how much I've grown?

 

 

Well, I cant say it's over for good, forever, closed door. But it's definitely over for now, and the foreseeable future. Why? because she's 21. Lol. She's experiencing a fun, new life, and she wants to grow and not be bogged down by an LDR.

 

If you cross paths again when you're both older, sure, who knows? But do you really want to wait around for that possibility? Because she might find someone else in the meantime.

 

If you are capable of just being her casual friend, go for it. Otherwise, I say stop talking to her and start movin' on.

[mouni]

A long-distance relationship or LDR is typically an intimate relationship that takes place when the partners are separated by a considerable distance. An invaluable component of a secure relationship is an optimistic attitude toward your partner and the future. This is often re-enforced by each partner’s own resiliency i.e. acceptance of life’s situation, belief in self, belief in partner, spirituality, creativity, problem solving, and sense of humor.

[justwhoiam]

I think what I wrote in the "miss me" thread in this very forum can apply to you too.

 

And be less naif, you even mentioned her real name on a public forum, and now I wonder how many girls go to the Pokemon meetings, live in a very wealthy family in Texas and whose name is ...

 

[Please ask the the moderators to delete the name in your post and following posts where it's mentioned]