His ex-gf posts pictures of her wearing his old shirts *BARF*

[PinkCarnations]

Not that you guys remember, but I had posted a couple threads about this naval officer I was seeing. He started out as my one night stand then friends with benefits and now potentially serious relationship.. Yeah, believe it or not, my FWB said he loved me last night TWICE. (I used to didn't think he was into me as more than FWB, but apparently over time, my sweetness and b*tchiness towards him made him fall for me, but THAT's another story).

 

In my past relationship, I got burned by this guy who got back together with his needy ex while I was living with him (AKA THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE), so since then, I have been very insecure about ex-gfs to say the least. With every new guy I'm dating, I like to check out their Facebook to see if they just got out of a relationship or still got something going on with their ex. I admit it, I'm a shameless stalker. It's a deal breaker for me if they're still in close contact with their ex or their breakup was fresh. Anyways, this guy was no exception to my rule. His Facebook doesn't contain any updates or pictures (he says because Navy Seals shouldn't have their information public because they can become a target for terrorists) but the only pictures he does have are with his ex-gf. So back when I first started dating him, I was curious and checked out his ex's Facebook. When I did, i COULD. NOT. STOP. looking... She posted a video she made of them, like actually professionally edited.. POST-break up. He wasn't in the video, but it was basically her looking all sad looking through photos of him, and this was made over a year after they broke up. Along with the video, she posted some stuff about how he'll always be his heart, and she'll always pray for his safety and stuff. *BARF* Well, that's not it. On her instagram, she posts old pictures of them together as her "flash back friday" etc and pictures of her crying because "god knows why they broke up." What irks me even more is she posts pictures of her in his old t-shirts. It's clear it's his t-shirt because it contains the logo for his alma mater, etc. I'm not sure if he's even aware of all this, but they're still friends on Facebook, so there's no way that he's that oblivious.

 

Anyways, today, I casually brought up past relationships and asked him who broke up with who in his last relationship (in an effort to divulge information about this ex, of course) and he said he was the one that "broke up with his only serious gf." When I asked why, he said because the relationship was coming to a point where it was getting a lot more serious and he wasn't ready for that. My response was, "so you don't like commitments?" He said, "Just not at that time." Then I bring up the fact that he still has pictures of his ex, and he says, "Oh i just never got around to deleting them, because i had deactivated my account for a while" and "I should delete them though" and i say, "SHOULD?" Then he says he's going to delete his Facebook when he gets back in the country (he's currently deployed), and I say, "really, that's the solution you proposed to the thing I asked?" He hasn't replied to that message because he had to get back to work, but needless to say, I'm pretty annoyed by his response.

 

I know you guys are going to say "who cares about the pictures if you guys are happy. worry about you two" blah blah. Yes, that's all true. BUT, my thing is that this girl is CLEARLY hanging on to whatever notion she has in her head that they will eventually get back together and keeping her pictures as the ONLY thing on his Facebook is just feeding her hope and batsh*t craziness. I'm not even going to mention all the other stuff she posts that relates to him. Anyways, I really want to know what's going on in his head.. What does he think of this ex gf? Is he actually flattered by how crazy she is for him or what? Or is he totally oblivious? Should I bring it up? I wanna know because I'm curious and also because it sounds entertaining. I'm not really intimidated by her in any way, but i'll be honest and say I'm bothered that he's not letting her know he's moved on. By the way, he says I can't tag him in pictures of us, because he doesn't want any updates on his Facebook (because of work or his privacy or whatever).. so basically he's not really affiliated with me at all on Facebook, so nobody really nows we're dating except his close friends.

 

Such is life.

[SawtoothMars]

Stop freaking out... and stop being insanely jealous! I get why you do it, but you need to stop cyber stalking his X.

[smackie9]

Ummmmmm whatever happened to face to face communication? Why stalk when you can just ask. Then instead of waiting for the guy to "deal with" whatever because you are in the picture....just dump him and find a guy that better suits your expectations. Obviously this is a red flag for you so why stick around. You don't like the situation stop trying to fix it and get the f out of there.

[PinkCarnations]

Ummmmmm whatever happened to face to face communication? Why stalk when you can just ask. Then instead of waiting for the guy to "deal with" whatever because you are in the picture....just dump him and find a guy that better suits your expectations. Obviously this is a red flag for you so why stick around. You don't like the situation stop trying to fix it and get the f out of there.

 

ok i'm not following that advice but thanks anyways.

[smackie9]

You have issues with this ex GF of his, and he isn't taking it seriously when you bring it up....instead of driving yourself insane by FB stalking, end the relationship because this doesn't sit right with you. Find a man that doesn't have an ex lingering in the background. A guy with that kind of attitude is going to be problematic down the road. Bi tching him to do something about it is not your problem to try and fix....you need to see the red flags here and mosey on off and find a man that has good integrity...instead of trying to mold this guy into having integrity.

 

In other words stop wasting your time on crappy guys.

[idoltree]

In my past relationship, I got burned by this guy who got back together with his needy ex while I was living with him (AKA THE WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE), so since then, I have been very insecure about ex-gfs to say the least.

 

So you brought your baggage into a new relationship? That's not a winning strategy, and starting off without the ability to trust a new person because of the actions of someone else is going to push the new person away.

 

Your boyfriend should not be treated like he's on probation for the crimes of your ex.

 

With every new guy I'm dating, I like to check out their Facebook to see if they just got out of a relationship or still got something going on with their ex. I admit it, I'm a shameless stalker.

So you're needy and insecure, then?

 

Just pointing that out since you like to berate his ex for these qualities, which is probably because you have the same ones and like to project them onto her.

 

the only pictures he does have are with his ex-gf.

Sounds like he doesn't take Facebook that seriously or keep up with it on a regular basis. Some people don't center their reality around Facebook.

 

So back when I first started dating him, I was curious and checked out his ex's Facebook.

The actions of an insecure person.

 

When I did, i COULD. NOT. STOP. looking... She posted a video she made of them, like actually professionally edited.. POST-break up. He wasn't in the video, but it was basically her looking all sad looking through photos of him, and this was made over a year after they broke up. Along with the video, she posted some stuff about how he'll always be his heart, and she'll always pray for his safety and stuff. *BARF* Well, that's not it. On her instagram, she posts old pictures of them together as her "flash back friday" etc and pictures of her crying because "god knows why they broke up." What irks me even more is she posts pictures of her in his old t-shirts. It's clear it's his t-shirt because it contains the logo for his alma mater, etc. I'm not sure if he's even aware of all this, but they're still friends on Facebook, so there's no way that he's that oblivious.

If you boyfriend doesn't want to be with her and has appropriate boundaries with her, it doesn't matter what she does. Stop pouring your energy into something that doesn't matter. It's pretty clear you keep checking to neurotically confirm your biases.

 

Are you okay with him being Facebook friends with her and having pictures up of them? Yes or no. That's the extent of what you should worry about.

 

Anyways, today, I casually brought up past relationships and asked him who broke up with who in his last relationship (in an effort to divulge information about this ex, of course) and he said he was the one that "broke up with his only serious gf." When I asked why, he said because the relationship was coming to a point where it was getting a lot more serious and he wasn't ready for that.

Sounds reasonable. I'd also guess that her neediness pushed him away. I'd wonder, given the temporal nature of his explanation, if she's holding on and waiting for him to be ready.

 

My response was, "so you don't like commitments?" He said, "Just not at that time."

Oh, good god. This is the sort of man-repelling needy dramatic behavior that you need to work on. Get a grip, dear. Subjecting your guy to the Spanish Inquisition because of your insecurities is a good way to push him away, just like she did. Soon, he "won't be ready" for a commitment with you, either.

 

Settle down, get some confidence, and embrace the notion of stability.

 

Then I bring up the fact that he still has pictures of his ex, and he says, "Oh i just never got around to deleting them, because i had deactivated my account for a while" and "I should delete them though" and i say, "SHOULD?"

He sounds like a reasonable guy. You sound like an insecure woman lookign for a fight.

 

Then he says he's going to delete his Facebook when he gets back in the country (he's currently deployed), and I say, "really, that's the solution you proposed to the thing I asked?" He hasn't replied to that message because he had to get back to work, but needless to say, I'm pretty annoyed by his response.

He didn't reply to you because he's pretty annoyed by your unnecessary drama and cattiness. If you've got a good guy, this is a great way to lose him. Keep it up.

 

I know you guys are going to say "who cares about the pictures if you guys are happy. worry about you two" blah blah. Yes, that's all true. BUT, my thing is that this girl is CLEARLY hanging on to whatever notion she has in her head that they will eventually get back together and keeping her pictures as the ONLY thing on his Facebook is just feeding her hope and batsh*t craziness. I'm not even going to mention all the other stuff she posts that relates to him.

Stop checking her accounts and feeding your neuroticism. What she does does not matter.

 

Anyways, I really want to know what's going on in his head.. What does he think of this ex gf? Is he actually flattered by how crazy she is for him or what? Or is he totally oblivious? Should I bring it up?

He's worried that all women are crazy and insecure and is distancing himself from it/you.

 

I wanna know because I'm curious and also because it sounds entertaining.

Entertaining? You are drama central, aren't you?

 

Grow up or you're going to poison this relationship.

 

I'm not really intimidated by her in any way, but i'll be honest and say I'm bothered that he's not letting her know he's moved on. By the way, he says I can't tag him in pictures of us, because he doesn't want any updates on his Facebook (because of work or his privacy or whatever).. so basically he's not really affiliated with me at all on Facebook, so nobody really nows we're dating except his close friends.

 

Such is life.

Which means it will be pretty easy for him to break it off.

 

You better get a grip, and you better get it quickly.

 

Apologize to him and tell him that you're being dramatic for no reason. Make a commitment to mature emotionally. No guy wants to deal with drama like the kind you are stirring up, particularly a guy with a stressful and dangerous career.

[Gary S]

Yeah, he should have thrown out all the pics of the ex and unfriend her. The internet is a thorn in the side of internet dating.

[Versacehottie]

ok, i think his response about FB (and i guess about commitment) was normal and reasonable. Sometimes guys need time to process stuff. He doesn't really know how much stress this is causing you because you haven't let him know. But even if he did know, he might take it as a challenge, not in a good way because you are stepping on his own persona to alleviate your anxiety. I get it though and the very best solution is to stop looking at her social media. She is totally annoying and lame. Give him a little time to deal with the FB deletion or correction.

 

Part of your distress over this has to be in some part related to either jealousy or needing more reassurance about where you two are headed. That happens to lots of people. You should give yourself the best chance for success for him by trying to keep the slate clean. Try not to let your past relationship woes creep in and don't feed the beast by checking that girls stuff. Be confident. Trust in your relationship. Work on whatever will make you guys stronger and more bonded--between the two of you!

 

If he's gonna do something cheating-wise, or run back to an ex, there's nothing you can do about it anyway--nor should you want to. Build the best relationship and be the best you so he has no reason to do that. And if he does anyway, well f*ck him, you shouldn't want someone with issues like that anyway. Good luck

[PinkCarnations]

Well so far seems like posting this thread was a mistake. I definitely feel put down by the responses so far.. Fyi.. I was writing dramatically to be entertaining... This issue is only a small bump, and I'm not going to dump my boyfriend over this. His ex gf issues is out of his control, but I only wrote this thread to get some ideas about how I should approach the issue, not be berated for being "insecure" for checking out my boyfriend's ex's profile on Facebook and was annoyed when i saw she continued to post stuffs about him (is it really that unreasonable?? I guess so.). But anyways, it's clear from the responses from you guys so far that I should work on myself instead. That's fine. I really should not look at her Facebook anyways or care about what she posts about my boyfriend. Which I'll try hard to do. As far as talking to him, I'll just tell him in a short message about how i feel and he can do what he wants to do with that. Not really trying to make this a huge deal. It was really a post to entertain and see if anyone else has dealt with a crazy ex...

[PinkCarnations]

ok, i think his response about FB (and i guess about commitment) was normal and reasonable. Sometimes guys need time to process stuff. He doesn't really know how much stress this is causing you because you haven't let him know. But even if he did know, he might take it as a challenge, not in a good way because you are stepping on his own persona to alleviate your anxiety. I get it though and the very best solution is to stop looking at her social media. She is totally annoying and lame. Give him a little time to deal with the FB deletion or correction.

 

Part of your distress over this has to be in some part related to either jealousy or needing more reassurance about where you two are headed. That happens to lots of people. You should give yourself the best chance for success for him by trying to keep the slate clean. Try not to let your past relationship woes creep in and don't feed the beast by checking that girls stuff. Be confident. Trust in your relationship. Work on whatever will make you guys stronger and more bonded--between the two of you!

 

If he's gonna do something cheating-wise, or run back to an ex, there's nothing you can do about it anyway--nor should you want to. Build the best relationship and be the best you so he has no reason to do that. And if he does anyway, well f*ck him, you shouldn't want someone with issues like that anyway. Good luck

 

Thanks! You're right, i think it's because I'm unsure about where me and him are heading. Great insight and advice!

[Versacehottie]

Thanks! You're right, i think it's because I'm unsure about where me and him are heading. Great insight and advice!

 

yeah, that's why you were really annoyed because he didn't assure you with saying something like he didn't want to commit before but with you it's different. Just realize he didn't expect this conversation was coming so he probably wasn't prepared. Also, like a guy, doesn't get the subtleties of what we are really asking!!! He's answering your exact question. Actually his response, as a neutral party, was positive i think! Without over-promising, he basically said "before he wasn't into commitment" which implies that things are different now, meaning he is now.

 

Don't put much thought into public announcements on FB about you two. He's probably trying to keep you safe and got bigger things on his mind anyway! FB couples status stuff is bull anyway.

[PinkCarnations]

yeah, that's why you were really annoyed because he didn't assure you with saying something like he didn't want to commit before but with you it's different. Just realize he didn't expect this conversation was coming so he probably wasn't prepared. Also, like a guy, doesn't get the subtleties of what we are really asking!!! He's answering your exact question. Actually his response, as a neutral party, was positive i think! Without over-promising, he basically said "before he wasn't into commitment" which implies that things are different now, meaning he is now.

 

Don't put much thought into public announcements on FB about you two. He's probably trying to keep you safe and got bigger things on his mind anyway! FB couples status stuff is bull anyway.

 

Yeah you're most likely right. Guess I was too busy fuming to see his perspective. He's also not very good at seeing when I'm bothered by things either unless I verbally tell him. I guess I should just drop the issue for now. : )

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Stop looking at his ex-girlfriend's FB timeline, stop looking through all of her pictures and vids and stop looking at her Instagram account. If you keep doing this, it's just going to stress you out needlessly. Not only that...but, it's creepy behavior.

 

 

.

[katiegrl]

ok i'm not following that advice but thanks anyways.

 

PC, omg girl you remind me SO much of myself!!! Not just cause of the above response; your initial post hit so close to home, I can't even tell you!

 

Went through the same thing with my boyfriend when we first started dating, and I say continue your investigating and continue calling him on it. You need to take care of YOU; it's YOUR heart.

 

State your boundaries and either he respects them and acts accordingly OR you eventually leave.

 

With my boyfriend, I DID eventually leave, cause it seemed he couldn't fully let go and SHE was psycho, just like your boyfriend's ex is!

 

He did come back though, and when he did I made sure he had completely and totally moved on, with him telling her about us, that it was OVER between them for good and she needs to delete his photos on her FB and stop harboring fantasies that they will get back together.

 

It's been five years since then and she is no longer around, no pics, nothing.

 

I hope it doesn't get to the point where you have to go, but in the meantime, keep calling him on it and demanding the truth.. He may hem and haw, but in the long run, he will respect you for it!!

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

[katiegrl]

Stop looking at his ex-girlfriend's FB timeline, stop looking through all of her pictures and vids and stop looking at her Instagram account. If you keep doing this, it's just going to stress you out needlessly. Not only that...but, it's creepy behavior.

 

 

.

 

Hi black ops... I guess this is one instance where we definitely disagree. It was bound to happen one of these days...

[smackie9]

It just goes to show the situation gets down played because the responses are not what the OP expected to hear. This is what happens in a public forum. Try a close friend or family member....they know you best.

[smackie9]

PC, omg girl you remind me SO much of myself!!! Not just cause of the above response; your initial post hit so close to home, I can't even tell you!

 

Went through the same thing with my boyfriend when we first started dating, and I say continue your investigating and continue calling him on it. You need to take care of YOU; it's YOUR heart.

 

State your boundaries and either he respects them and acts accordingly OR you eventually leave.

 

With my boyfriend, I DID eventually leave, cause it seemed he couldn't fully let go and SHE was psycho, just like your boyfriend's ex is!

 

He did come back though, and when he did I made sure he had completely and totally moved on, with him telling her about us, that it was OVER between them for good and she needs to delete his photos on her FB and stop harboring fantasies that they will get back together.

 

It's been five years since then and she is no longer around, no pics, nothing.

 

I hope it doesn't get to the point where you have to go, but in the meantime, keep calling him on it and demanding the truth.. He may hem and haw, but in the long run, he will respect you for it!!

 

TAKE CARE OF YOU!!

This is why I say to not ignore the red flags and do yourself a favor and end it before you end up being the psycho....you SHOULD NOT have to keep harping and keep bring it up till they do something about it. You should clue in by now what kind of a guy he is, and the lack of any respect he has for your relationship.

[katiegrl]

Yeah, he should have thrown out all the pics of the ex and unfriend her. The internet is a thorn in the side of internet dating.

 

Absolutely!

[katiegrl]

This is why I say to not ignore the red flags and do yourself a favor and end it before you end up being the psycho....you SHOULD NOT have to keep harping and keep bring it up till they do something about it. You should clue in by now what kind of a guy he is, and the lack of any respect he has for your relationship.

 

Yeah, that's what I eventually did, but not before being sure. He was giving me the same mixed messages the OP's boyfriend is giving her and my gut was screaming something's just not right here.

 

I would also like to mention that when we got back together, he admitted I was right all along, even though at the time he gave me every excuse in the book as to why he hadn't unfriended her or told her about us...same as in the OP's situation.

 

Where there's smoke there's fire, and when it's our heart that's involved, we do what we need to do.

 

The only difference between her situation and mine is that when I met my boyfriend they had "just" broken up one month prior and they had been living together.

 

So it was really fresh....

 

It all worked out in the end though and now we are living together and really happy....knock wood.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Hi black ops... I guess this is one instance where we definitely disagree. It was bound to happen one of these days...

 

hehe....agreed.

 

Just to note: I DO understand why the OP would creep her boyfriend's ex-gf's FB and Instagram pages though; and she has her own reasons for doing so (as you've stated in your most recent post to her).

 

 

.

[smackie9]

I'm so glad I don't have this problem........but that's because I don't tolerate it.

[SawtoothMars]

Well so far seems like posting this thread was a mistake. I definitely feel put down by the responses so far.. Fyi.. I was writing dramatically to be entertaining... This issue is only a small bump, and I'm not going to dump my boyfriend over this. His ex gf issues is out of his control, but I only wrote this thread to get some ideas about how I should approach the issue, not be berated for being "insecure" for checking out my boyfriend's ex's profile on Facebook and was annoyed when i saw she continued to post stuffs about him (is it really that unreasonable?? I guess so.). But anyways, it's clear from the responses from you guys so far that I should work on myself instead. That's fine. I really should not look at her Facebook anyways or care about what she posts about my boyfriend. Which I'll try hard to do. As far as talking to him, I'll just tell him in a short message about how i feel and he can do what he wants to do with that. Not really trying to make this a huge deal. It was really a post to entertain and see if anyone else has dealt with a crazy ex...

 

I'm not trying to berate you. I'm telling you that this isn't a big deal to him because he did the dumping. That means he was over her long before it ended.

 

I had my old wedding photos up on my facebook. After the divorce I just set them to private so nobody could see them. When I got remarried my new wife who had my passwords would go in and look at them. I frankly didn't care until she showed the photos to her brother's fiancée. After the fiancée mentioned how good I looked when I was younger and thinner... I took the pictures down that same day.

 

Before that time I didn't even want or care to look at them. However, I'm up 35lbs since then and much older... the last thing I want is for people to be comparing an attractive me to an even MORE attractive me.

 

So... I suppose people may think bad of you for being jealous of an Ex. But think how much weirder it is for me to be jealous... of myself!

 

 

Feel better?