curledfire Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Hello, this is my first post but I'm not new to the forum; just got enticed to share my experience like everybody here. I guess my little story is something somehow common, but still it is a complete new experience for me. Sorry the long brick text, I just needed to express what's happening to me right now. BTW, English is not my language so forgive my imprecision. I'm a man in its mid 40s, married for 22 years with my third "real" girlfriend. Since then I have **never** cheat her in any ways, I have being always devoted to my marriage, my wife, my kids and my career (graphic artist). I have never before felt the need to find another person to share my life with. However since some good years back, our relationship started to wreck without other thing than temporary band-aids. She started to get more possessive, more jealous out of nothing (if a woman in her good visuals just passed in front of us, me not even watching, that automatically made my wife release a hell for me for a few days) and ultimately more unbearable than ever ("yes, you do art because you need to receive applause, but you need someone like me to throw you out of that cloud"). She plainly turned into a lemon. All this years I have being trying to reconquer her mood back, that mood that made me fall in love with her a couple of decades before. In all our chats to try to "fix" things, I always ended up with my back side burned...I always had to assume all the faults and guilt on everything in the universe. She started to throw on me all my "defects", minimizing my good actions to zero...I happily released my "self" to give space to an "us" feeling. So eventually all that grinding affected the love I felt for her and a couple of months ago I asked the divorce. More to say, hell got loose again because she is infatuated in her fact that I have another woman, which is not true at all. I never ever had another woman whatsoever when with her, even when for some years I felt alone anyway. I can say I have part of the blame, I stretched all my inferno because I don't want to make anyone miserable, specially my kids, but in the same time I'm the one feeling completely miserable and very very VERY unhappy. I have tried dozen of times to chat with her, to know why she is behaving like that. I have tried and invited her to more romantic diners, or more romantic "bed times" and all she said is that she is fine, that I'm seeing ghosts and that at the end...I have this, and that and that "defects". I reached the point where I had to use her arms to auto hug me And for about 4 years I have being sleeping in the floor, because or she is in bad mood, or one of our daughter is having bad dreams, or because Mars doesn't have water...whatever the excuse. Sh.tty thing is: I got used. So that's the first part of my story...but then, here comes the second one very surrealistic at least for me. All this time of grinding my soul, holding all the hell my wife thrown on me mainly in the name of my kids, I have being interacting a lot with my sister in law, the girlfriend of my wife's brother. We are **very** close friends, she and I, for about 18 years, and since more than a decade we have being talking our relationship problems; I think we only talked about those between us and with nobody else. So guess what...a week after I asked my divorce (months feeling completely alone and trashed), she asked me if I'm in trouble because I she sees me very down and depressed. She asked me as a doctor she is, asked me if I need help with therapy or pills, or whatever, because ladies and gentlemen, I feel terribly down. More to say that after the second question I broke in cry and we went to a park away from our locations. I cried for several hours, because I could realize in minutes how unhappy I was for years and I didn't noticed. I had to say it, because I was holding it for years and couldn't bear it any more, worse now that I ended my marriage...and no, I'm not feeling confused, despaired or whatever. I had to say her that I love her for more than a decade, that my marriage is kaput, that it wasn't for her at all, that it was me trying to finally find a meaning to my life, that I know the chances to not receive a slap in the face was minimum...but that I had to say it: I love her since ever, I admire her like a professional, like a person, like a very exceptional human being and that I have **never**ever** thrown any kind of look at her ever NEVER just because respect, because a gentleman should never greed other man's woman, because she is my sister in law and what kind of fcked up person it would make me. It was really hard for me to release me that way, it was like breaking all the pillars of my personality, like raping myself at purpose...something I couldn't live with it at all. I have being always a man with self-control and a high sense of "real" morality, and here I went, low low and down into the dirt. Now, I don't know what bug bite me, or if my coffee was spiked by someone. I don't drink alcohol, nor smoke, nor dope...but I felt like all of that in a second, whatever they feel. I don't know from where I found the courage or the shameless impulse to declare my love to her, in such way, but definitely felt like a great weight just got released from my soul. I NEVER gave her any signal about my feelings about her. Everything was kept locked in my mind and buried very very deep in my heart bed, and we interacted a lot in the past, we are very close, but I never even talked about kinky stuff. In fact, I usually felt a kind of rush in my chest when I see her and all I did was to politely go away from her, sit in the car with the excuse to hear some music, etc. Sometimes I made up excuses to not to go to their house at all, because I knew I couldn't stop my heart to blow away from my chest the very minute I see her. Sometimes I drove there with family, etc and just kept myself locked in the car, reading something or "thinking" on a piece I wanted to create, when the reality was I was avoiding her. ...so I declared myself to her, in the shameless way I have never ever being. I acted like I was a different man. She looked at me and told me, exactly this words: "why took you so long?" I was like ehm...WHAT!? She laughed to me and told me: "you are the slowest man I have ever seen...didn't you know I'm also IN LOVE with you since a lot of years ago? Didn't you capture any of my signals???" This was enough for me, really. I couldn't move or say anything else. When I recovered my breath I told her, "you know what, I think we should resume talking other day, because this is overwhelming for me, just too much for a night." And we agreed to have a better chat later. She suffers exactly exactly the same dysfunctional marriage than me. We talked about us and our wrecked marriages a lot in the past, and perhaps we stand our personal hells because precisely our support and chats. I'm a level over her, I asked a divorce. She is not married by papers, have tried a lot of times to end up their relationship but he doesn't want to leave but still a lemon like his sister, my wife, so they are separated under the same roof just for their kids. Her relationship became toxic more time ago than mine but only god knows why we both bear with it so long. We resumed our chat a couple of days after, and since then we have talked more than a priest in a church. We have being talking in parks or locations away from our zones, talking for hours and hours, trying to decode how is it possible we are both in love, how risky is our situation because those subjective and objective facts of our lives, our link as in laws, etc. I believe I have never talked this much, but we both share a tremendously deep feeling of love...so strong she burns my phone with texts, and I invent myself an excuse to try to see her at least in her door and keeping all the appearances just to not raise any kind of clues to anyone. And she puts my hand on her chest and tells me "feel my heart, you will give me an infarct if you don't kiss me!" But it is so hard for me to kiss her in a family place it scares me to hell. Sometimes she suddenly jumps over me when talking in a park or some place, with watered eyes, hugging me hard and close and telling me "oh god, what is this? what you have made on me? I don't think I can keep clandestine for too long!" I have the feeling, the need to talk about this to someone and talked first to my family. You know moms, they will always be with you and support you in any craziness you come up. She talked with her brother and likewise found all the support she needs. We have being seeing each other almost everyday, and those days we can't, there is a enormous feeling to just crank the car, or walk to see each other anywhere. We both have new problems...we can't eat, food just doesn't pass through, we can't focus in our work, we have our images burned in our minds. If I'm working, all I see is her face. If I'm driving I feel her presence in the side seat. If I'm cooking all I think is about her. And she sends me texts "I'm trying to work but I' leaving before time, I can't focus, all I have is you in my brain". Or like the other day in a party with her family: "I'm here sitting with my family and I feel like fish out of water, all I want to do is to run away and see you". And I...I can only say...I'm shocked. I'm overwhelmed about all this. It is so unreal, so "soap TV" which I hate, so difficult to assimilate that a) I can be loved this way and b) sh.t, she is my in law! I don't know why it happened to be her. I ended my marriage but I wasn't looking for a substitute. I don't need a substitute, I wanted to be alone for a while, to release my toxins. Oh well...I'm speechless.
Auspecial Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Well, you were right, that was a very long post and I didn't read it word for word. From the gist of it, you did get out of an abusive situation, so that's great!
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Oh well...I'm speechless. Look... you are filing for divorce already. So you will be free. IF your sis-inlaw really loves you... then she should take steps to get free of personal entanglements as well. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing so long as you are both separated from previous partners. Also... expect that your Soon To Be X Wife will assume this affair has been going for 18 years and that it's the reason for the divorce.
Author curledfire Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 Look... you are filing for divorce already. So you will be free. IF your sis-inlaw really loves you... then she should take steps to get free of personal entanglements as well. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing so long as you are both separated from previous partners. Also... expect that your Soon To Be X Wife will assume this affair has been going for 18 years and that it's the reason for the divorce. We decided to let things flow and don't go open public for a while even after we both are free. It seems more complex for me, regarding time, because the divorce. She doesn't need any paperwork or whatever. But even both free "today" we don't want to hurt anyone and we want to avoid being seen like the cause of our splits, correspondingly. We see it as a complex situation, mainly because our in law family, what they will think about us, etc. We are thinking perhaps a year undercover or so...
spiderowl Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I hope it works out for you. She has a long path ahead disentanling herself from her current situation. I sincerely hope this is both right for you. We all deserve love and it's great that you've found it. It's going to be a bit rocky for a while as other people will be hurt by this.
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