lovesickpuppy Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I posted in here about the break up last week. My friend today after hearing me cry some more has decided she's so angry and wants to message him telling him basically how horrible he's been and how he's going to regret being such a douche bag and throwing away something so good. She told me she won't do it unless I give her permission to do so. She wants to message him off her own back and hopes he doesn't think I got her to message him. However, I'm a bit reserved. I just want him to realise what he's doing and has done has been wrong and how he's treated me is wrong. I don't know if my friend messaging him will have that outcome or will just make me look even more pathetic, what do you think?
minimariah Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 However, I'm a bit reserved. I just want him to realise what he's doing and has done has been wrong and how he's treated me is wrong. I don't know if my friend messaging him will have that outcome or will just make me look even more pathetic, what do you think? it won't - probably nothing will. you can't make your X realize how horrible he is. move on, leave him and his bad behavior behind you. you can't change the way he behaves and treats you, you can't change his feelings BUT you can decide not to tolerate it & move on. so, no need for your friend to contact him. he won't suddenly realize how bad he is and grovel, forget about it. 2
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I don't think her sending it would make you look pathetic. But I do think he'd assume (rightly) that you knew she was going to contact him and what she was going to say. I don't think this will help you move on and heal -- and I don't think it's going to have the effect you're hoping for in terms of changing his mind or making him re-think his decision, either. If you want him to reconsider, then you need to leave him alone and let him experience life without you. More importantly, you need to give yourself time without contact so YOU can start to heal, regardless of what he does. If your friend sends him a message, it's only going to set you back. You'll be waiting and hoping for a response that may or may not come. Have you read through the guide to No Contact that's posted here? Here's another great guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com 3
Author lovesickpuppy Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 It seems like I just post because I'm wanting to hear what I want to hear. I refuse to believe it's over. I can't accept it, he hasn't told his family or friends and I'm thinking he hasnt because he wants me to beg for him back. Even though he's said he thinks he's made the right decision and he needs to do this for himself.. I can't seem to grow a back bone and accept it, I just want him back regardless of anything. How weak and pathetic. Going through the motions. I guess my friend messaging him was another thing where I thought yes he'll realise it and want me back. I just can't understand it. I've been the best girlfriend, we never had problems, just his and his commitment issues and yet I'm blaming myself and trying to change someone that can't be changed.
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 It's really really hard to walk away from someone you're in love with. I think how you're feeling right now is totally normal. You love him so all along you wanted to overlook his faults and forgive his short-comings.... but he's no longer willing to go along with a relationship he's not fully invested in. Give yourself time to grieve and work through the shock of it. Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Talk to your friends about it and post here about it -- do everything you need to keep getting it out -- train for a marathon or eat gallons of ice cream or spend a week crying in bed, whatever works for you -- just DON'T contact him and don't let anyone else contact him on your behalf. Also, no online snooping -- you should have him blocked on all sites and apps you use. Someone who loves you DOESN'T want you to beg for them back. They don't want you to do the work to reconcile, or to keep the relationship going. You deserve someone who's fully on board and in love with you!
sabd Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Your friend contacting him is going to possibly do 2 things: 1. Make him think you're behind it 2. Piss him off Counter productive. I know here you're at - I have a friend who wanted to do the same for me when I got treated very badly in my last breakup. I put a stop to it because it was going to accomplish nothing except negatives. He knows what went down between the 2 of you. An outsider coming in and attacking him is most definitely not going to soften him in any way.
idoltree Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I posted in here about the break up last week. My friend today after hearing me cry some more has decided she's so angry and wants to message him telling him basically how horrible he's been and how he's going to regret being such a douche bag and throwing away something so good. She told me she won't do it unless I give her permission to do so. She wants to message him off her own back and hopes he doesn't think I got her to message him. However, I'm a bit reserved. I just want him to realise what he's doing and has done has been wrong and how he's treated me is wrong. I don't know if my friend messaging him will have that outcome or will just make me look even more pathetic, what do you think? Having a friend contact an ex is something that only teenagers think is appropriate. With age and emotional maturity, both you and your friend will realize that sticking their nose into your business just makes your friend, and you, look bad. It's immature and it's going to make him recoil and be more sure that he made a good decision. The way to win a breakup is not to issue guilt trips, or to reach for short-term gratification. It is to hold your head high and get on with your life, not to linger in the past about how wronged you were in order to keep attachment going. You're broken up now, so holding onto anger is no longer appropriate. It's like that saying that holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Seek class, dignity, and the knowledge that you are A-OK on your own. If he didn't want to be with you, it's his loss. Let go, meet new people, have a grand time, and leave the past in the past. That is what will leave you looking fabulous and like someone that people want in their lives, because it will show that you value yourself. Someone who values herself doesn't need a friend texting her ex, does she? There's no guarantee he'll ever doubt his decision to let it go, but not being afraid to move on with your life and leave him in your past is one piece of the puzzle that may move him in that direction. The other pieces are consistent actions showing that you value yourself. Still, you've got no control over another person's choices, and it's best to accept that and move on. 4
mightycpa Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Let it go. Her time can be better spent on you. 2
kendahke Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I posted in here about the break up last week. My friend today after hearing me cry some more has decided she's so angry and wants to message him telling him basically how horrible he's been and how he's going to regret being such a douche bag and throwing away something so good. She told me she won't do it unless I give her permission to do so. She wants to message him off her own back and hopes he doesn't think I got her to message him. However, I'm a bit reserved. I just want him to realise what he's doing and has done has been wrong and how he's treated me is wrong. I don't know if my friend messaging him will have that outcome or will just make me look even more pathetic, what do you think? I know you friend means well, but she needs to stay out of what doesn't directly concern her. He doesn't owe her an explanation. Your friend messaging him may backfire on any hopes you may harbor about him wanting to reconcile with you once he sees that you pass your relationship decisions past your bff committee. Frankly, she needs to be kept out of it because she's going to cause more problems and she will go on with her life still in tact while your'e left to clean up another bomb dropped in your lap from her actions. Tell her to take you to the spa instead and get your toes done. That would be far more helpful to you.
writergal Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Leave your ex alone. The relationship is over. Find a more constructive way to emotionally heal from your break-up, so that you can get over your ex and start dating again. Telling your ex how awful he is to you, won't win him back. If anything, he'll think you're unstable and will want nothing to do with you. Having your friend contact him, will have the same effect: he'll think she's nuts too. Breakups are hard, but when they happen the only choice you have is to start the healing process, leave the ex alone, and focus on yourself.
Chi townD Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Tell her to leave it alone. Believe it or not, if she texts him on how bad things are for you, two things MIGHT happen. 1.) She'll make him feel guilty, which is the desired affect she's looking for with this. and 2.) You'll give him an ego boost, "Awww...Damn, poor girl can't get over me!" Don't give him the satisfaction. He lost all right to know how you're doing.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 It seems like I just post because I'm wanting to hear what I want to hear. I refuse to believe it's over. I can't accept it, he hasn't told his family or friends and I'm thinking he hasnt because he wants me to beg for him back. Even though he's said he thinks he's made the right decision and he needs to do this for himself.. I can't seem to grow a back bone and accept it, I just want him back regardless of anything. How weak and pathetic. Going through the motions. I guess my friend messaging him was another thing where I thought yes he'll realise it and want me back. I just can't understand it. I've been the best girlfriend, we never had problems, just his and his commitment issues and yet I'm blaming myself and trying to change someone that can't be changed. Well, that right there looks like a huuuuuge problem to me. I went and looked at your past post about this guy, and it looks like he hasn't really been as invested in the relationship as you thought he was. There are any number of reasons why he kept going through the motions, but he has made one thing crystal clear: he doesn't love you, and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It doesn't matter who he has or hasn't told that you're broken up, he told YOU loud and clear. As others have said, the message is just setting you up for one more opportunity for him to reject you, and you surely don't need that. Think about it, why would someone telling him how rotten he was to you make him want to jump back into a relationship with you? I think that your friend could better use her time in researching ways to get over a bad break-up, and focus her efforts on getting you better. Instead of talking about how awful he was, focus on YOU and how YOU'RE doing. The less you go out of your way to think about him, the quicker you'll feel better. I know you're probably already having a hard time stopping those thoughts you can't control right now. Especially with a guy like that, with whom you were never likely to get anywhere. It is very easy to blame yourself for not being "enough" for someone, when there's nobody who could be "enough", because he doesn't even want that in the first place. I'd recommend going to "Baggage Reclaim" and looking into her posts on emotionally unavailable men. My ex was one, and I had no clue. This site was single-handedly the most helpful thing in getting me over him and moving on. She really helps you understand how these guys think, and why blaming yourself is wrong. I would cry sometimes, when something she had said would click and part of the blame I had put on myself lessened. And good luck, break-ups are hard enough, without putting more blame on yourself than is necessary.
Zahara Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Find another way to process your feelings. Provoking him to react is only going to backfire on you. Your friend needs to support you and help you deal with this and stop recycling drama. If you go ahead with this, likely 1) he will think you made her do it 2) it will push him even further away 3) he will resent you even more. You want to make him realize what he's doing and how he has treated you is wrong -- well if you have to go to such lengths in making someone have self-realization into their behavior -- then it's a futile attempt. If he can't come to that awareness himself, then you are just wasting your time. You can't make someone think and feel the way you do. You can't make someone value what you value. It doesn't matter whether you look pathetic -- what matters is your motive and what you'll achieve from it. Chances are he'll ignore and you'll be back in the hole again. 1
PegNosePete Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I would tell her that she can do what she wants, but you don't want to hear about it, and you don't want to hear his response (or lack thereof).
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