lucy1822 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Hi everyone! I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years. Recently he's been saying how he wants to go into the Royal Air Force and start a career. He's 22, so I can understand why. For me though I don't know if I could deal with that, as in, I wouldn't see him that much, right? Anyway... I said to him "that's great that you want to do that I'm really proud, but I don't know how fair that would be on us as a couple". I really want a boyfriend/fiancé/husband whatever to be my bestfriend for life and to be with me every waking hour and for me to come home to them in the evenings and just spend the best times together. I told him this and all he could say was ""So you'd want another boyfriend if I did that? You wouldn't want me?". He went onto say how great it would be living in a house/apartment, going to work doing a job he loved, and coming home to relax and do what he wants to do. I said to him "That sounds great, where would I be?" and he said "You'd be there with me! Why, where else would you want to be?. Anyway the point of my post is, however pathetic it sounds. He keeps saying this all to me and how much he wants me there because he loves me. He always says to me "you know I love you". Sooooo... I asked him if I'm the one for him. His only one. And he answered by saying "you can't ask me a question like that, I don't know, I'm only 22". ONLY 22. Can someone enlighten me on how he can say all of the other stuff but not answer that one simple question. I'm probably being irrational.
Giggle Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Well he's definitely not 'the one' for you. A hurdle of armed forces comes in your way and you don't want to be with him. Uck, his reaction to that was spot on. Was his saying that after you had said what you did? I don't believe in 'the one'. I believe some people you have more connection with than others. But all in all you can love lots of people. Some people you feel it deeper with. Some people it's more friend. Some people it's passionate and dramatic. How many people has he loved at 22? How do you compare? Some people are harder to get over than others. You guys sound more comfortable with each other than deep. That's not a bad thing. 'The one' is highly romanticized like 'forever'. My ex said he was going to love me forever. He is now engaged 2
badpenny Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Yes, "The One" is akin to 'Soul-Mate". Both are romanticised ideals and reality rarely meets the expectations. I think you two are a mis-match - but, by the way, your ideals of - I really want a boyfriend/fiancé/husband whatever to be my bestfriend for life and to be with me every waking hour and for me to come home to them in the evenings and just spend the best times together... Is also unrealistic, and if I may say so, really pretty narrow-minded. People are not glued at the hip. You can't always like the same things, want the same things, do the same things and exist for one another only. That way lies boredom, tedium, stagnation and ultimately alienation. The important thing in a relationship is that you are one couple - but 2 people. 2 people who can HAVE different projects and aims, but who like to share their ideas and discuss plans, and enjoy the freedom of being able to have independence, while still remaining loyal to one another. 'The best times together' are those when you can discuss the great times you've had occasionally doing your own thing. My step-son is in the RAF. he and his GF enjoy a very sound, healthy and productive relationship, because when they're together, they thrive in each others' company. When they're apart, they focus on the job in hand, get on with their lives, and do what they have to do, or feel like doing, at the time. If you want a boyfriend who will be your "bestfriend for life and to be with me every waking hour and for me to come home to them in the evenings and just spend the best times together..."... buy a dog. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I really want a boyfriend/fiancé/husband whatever to be my bestfriend for life and to be with me every waking hour and for me to come home to them in the evenings and just spend the best times together. . First that is completely unrealistic. You can't spend every waking hour with another person. You both have to go to work. To keep the relationship interesting & alive you need to pursue interests independently. It's also easy to spend the "best" times together but marriage is hard work & part of staying together means spending the worst times together because you are stronger as a team. As for you asking him if you are The One, very few people know that at age 22. The idea of spending the next 60 years with the same person is daunting for him, especially since he's not settled in his career yet. You also indicated to him that if choses to go into the Air Force that you might dump him. I can understand not wanting to be a military spouse. The deployments are tough. However your stated reason -- that you would be apart -- misses the real issue which is that he would be in harm's way. That's the part that's hard: the danger, not just the loneliness. It sounds like he's a good BF. If you want to keep him, back off a little. Let him find himself & be sure that he can be a provider before you push him into a marriage he's not ready for. 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 "THE one" is essentially B.S. The raw truth of the numbers is that hugely surprising numbers of pairs of people are/would-be compatible, and that it is the time spent together, investing in the lives of one another which makes each individual evolve NEARER TO the optimum-sounding designation that IS "the one". Thus it is perfectly sensible that a partner who is with someone who has designs on leaving the coupledom for long periods of time, has every justification for feeling uneasy about the realities which are the effects of long-distance relationships. In this day and age of the internet, the whole experience of long-distance relationships has been watered-down to accommodate those who have the means to be online with their partner every night.... Where, if you take away the effects of the net, those in long-distance relationships who, for example, go to war, have a much higher rate of (partner infidelity) and (partner dissatisfaction) than is typical in the regular population. Back in the dark ages, when men were drafted/demanded to go off to war, it was one thing, but today, western armies are numbered almost entirely by people volunteering to go half a world away. A noteworthy pattern among them is to woo a partner into marriage/(strong-seeming commitment/devotion) and then leave that partner with very little to occupy his/her time, for months on end, and often in a far-away place well away from family and anything they know). (even going through pregnancy and just raising the warrior's babies leaves someone with no important contact with the adult world - which is a psychological nightmare, and is very taxing on the at-home partner. That sort of choice is often a disaster on all sides. I think that society is so geared toward finding the ONE (especially when you are a young woman/girl)... that the clouds in your coffee don't allow impartial consideration for what sacrifices you are being asked to make when somebody in whom you have already considerably invested suddenly wants you to take a leap of faith which renders a large chunk of your investment inconvenient and impractical to you. SO, Lucy, this really isn't about "the one" ideals... for that is largely B.S. ... as both you, and he could easily partner with scores of other individuals and get back to the same place. This is about you honestly answering to your own deep and justifiable concerns about being potentially left in a psychological vacuum when instead you envisioned continued strong and steady emotional investing in this same relationship you have chosen and coveted now for two years. Your instincts of resistance are right-on. Now if he were Prince William, or Prince Harry, who are pre-destined to serve their country much nearer to home on a regular basis, that would be one thing, but in this case, your guy is in the real world, and there are no certainties... Unfortunately, the human heart usually wins-out over that strong instinct within your rational thoughts. (and that, too, has nothing to do with the actual heart )
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