xyz0123 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Hello. I will try to write about my situation as short as possible. I was in a relationship that would be 3 years in exactly one month (5th of April). Unfortunately I was dumped just the day after the valentines day. It came as a really big shock. I was just cleaning the apartment that day and suddenly I heard classic "Can we talk?". I sat on the couch and from that moment I though that I'm still dreaming. I heard that it's over. It all starts 3 years ago and with the fact that she is from a different country. We met and decided to be together. For the first year we've been going back and forth visiting each other. The longest time we were together was on summer 2012 where I stayed in her country for 3 months. It was great. We got to know each other really much. Everything was bright and good. We continued to visit each other for weekends, holidays etc. The next year we figured out something and she wanted to give it a go. She moved in to my country to study. We decided that we will live together from then. It was in July. She had some time before her studies started. We had a really great time being happy that we can finally do this and live together as we wanted. So from summer 2013 til summer 2014 we lived together. The things weren't going exactly well, because the university she was going to didn't bring what she needed and expected. We had to figure out something else. Then we decided that ok, if this doesn't work, let's move in back to your country now, but this time together, see how it will work out. I don't have opportunity to study, so all I could say is that I will just find a job and be with her. I will add that we are both not from English speaking countries. So in order for me to find a job in her country I had to start learning the new language. We moved back to her country at the begging of summer 2014. We lived in her parents house for a little moment and then we got a really great proposition that we could rent a cheaper apartment since August. We spent our vacation great, didn't really stay at her parents house a lot due to a lot of adventures and traveling, even though her parents were alright with that. They really liked me. We moved in to the apartment that we had to work on really a lot, but after 2-3 months everything started to be better. In the mean time I had some opportunities about jobs, but nothing permanent. We never had a financial problems thought. All that mattered was that we made it this far and we were still making it, there was always some opportunities. So I was finding what I can, she was studying and working in her country, everything started to look great. 2014 We spent our 3rd Christmas together and with her family and it was really good. Week before that we went for a trip to the UK for some days. She has birthday one day after Christmas, so I made it special. She was really happy about it. In January I suddenly got a job with a contract for the whole year which would provide me opportunity to extend my legal stay in her country til at least end of 2015. We were so happy about it, I couldn't wish for more and then her parents totally surprised me and said that they know I've been working hard on the language but they want to help me, so they ordered a course for me there that I could start in February. It was amazing! Everything started to really work out the way it should. Til February.. Here it gets weird.. It was Friday (6.02) and I had to go to work and I just got to know that there's been mistake and I am about to start my language course on Monday.. I haven't bought books yet and I was about to go to work, but I needed them for Monday. She suggested that she will go to town and look if she can find them, I said alright. I came back from work, she gave me the books and now there was just waiting. On Monday (9.02) I went to my first class, it was better than I expected. Then there came the valentines day. I woke up earlier and went out quietly. I went to buy flowers. I came home, I saw that she is awake. I gave her flowers and said couple of nice things then I started to make a breakfast. She didn't really show any big emotions about that. Later on that day we went for a walk, but she didn't seem happy.. We were holding hands like usually, but she was keep saying she is tired and her head hurts. Later on we watched a movie.. (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind) We both didn't know what kind of movie is it. I feel like it was really bad time to watch exactly that movie.. But after the movie she said she is tired and she is going to sleep. That was around 11, so it's pretty normal. I came to bed around 2 hours later. I don't hide I was a little disappointed that maybe I didn't do enough good for her or something.. because I wanted to make her happy, but she wasn't. Next day like I said. I was cleaning and suddenly there was that terrible moment. 15 minutes and I could just watch her going through that door.. She said she is going to her parents and I should start packing. But I couldn't. 3 hours after that I came after her I took a 45 minutes bus to her parents house and I just needed to see her and talk. When I came there she was just reading a book like nothing happened. She took me to the room and we started to talk.. I was really emotional and she was just like.. like a robot.. saying that she doesn't love me that much anymore and that she doesn't want to hear me begging because I don't deserve more chances. She said that because I made some mistakes in the past and I hurt her few times not even knowing about it.. The problem was that she was always social, happy and all.. and I happened to suffer from depression in the past before I met her.. but it was hanging around me when we were together. I was often jealous and just immature about her friends.. I could say things that those kind of people don't do the greatest job being friends with her etc. Really monstrous things to say, but I've been always quite of an outsider and never really had many people around or simply I was cutting people out when I felt that they are just stupid or things like that.. Continuing the story.. I came back to the apartment. Totally devastated.. I was numb. I called her the same evening to beg her to come back and talk. I had a panic attack and I though I will not survive it. I didn't blackmail her or anything I just begged her because I couldn't be with myself, alone. She hang up and after a moment sent me a text with "If you need help call this number..." (help line). I basically threw my phone on the ground. Couldn't sleep or do anything. In the morning suddenly I noticed that she removed me from social networks and skype.. I couldn't believe it. I wrote to her to ask to at least not delete me from skype because I am not a criminal and that's how I feel now. She added me back on skype, but only there. We talked a while.. I was asking her if she needs anything from the apartment, she said that I should just go.. but then she wrote that she is going to her friends in a different city and that I she could have some more clothes and some things.. She said that we could meet on Tuesday (which was tomorrow back then). I said ok and that there will be no pressure. I took the stuff, packed what she wanted. We meet on Tuesday morning, we've been walking and talking non-stop but not about us or about what happened, we talked just about life and things around.. the thing is that we couldn't shut up. I brought her a little smile once. After 2,5 hours she had a bus to a her friends. At the end she leaned towards me, so I kind of gave back a hug that she caused. When I was taking a step back after those 3 seconds hug I suddenly got a kiss on my chick, which was totally unexpected. She said thank you and that we will meet on Friday, but she thinks she will not come to the airport with me on Saturday. Because that's when I had my plain back to my country.. I was shocked after that meeting and thought that not everything is over. She messed me up with that hug and kiss. She went, we kept in touch through texts but it wasn't really much.. maybe like 5 texts.. We met on Friday, final meeting. She came and we went to the beach. We started talking serious stuff.. She said that she doesn't love me and that she needs to start living her life without me being around and saying my opinions and everything. I asked her.. "Do you see us ever in the future" She said "I don't know. I can't tell you that". We spent 2 hours together.. we talked about the things that could have been.. of course I tried to talk about how sorry I am and that I know exactly how I was and I don't want to be like that. She didn't really say much. Then we were sitting in the car and it was time for me to walk out and let her drive away. But I reached for a kiss. She kissed me, when it started to be too serious she pushed me slowly away. We hugged then, it was kind of intentions of us both. On that moment she suddenly said that she will miss me. I replied the same and we both cried. Hug ended, I was about to go. But I got myself and kissed her once again, long, intense kiss, she didn't push me away this time. I walked out. I was walking away and I looked back, her car was just standing there, turned off. I stopped walking and for about 15 seconds stared at her car. Couldn't see her.. I run back to the car, opened the door and said that I will always love her and that she has to remember this.. she said “I will”. I walked away. She started the car. Drove away. I was crushed again. Next morning I had all my stuff together and I went to the airport.. Her dad helped me because it was a lot of luggage and he didn't want me to go alone through this. Now I am back in my country. Since then we started talking on skype.. just light conversations without bringing back what happened. One day we were talking I suddenly got this idea.. I said to her that I promised her that I will show her my pictures from the time I was a little kid.. Because I promised that to her and there wasn't much of a chance before, nor time. But it's only if she will ever want. She said "ok, now". I said I will have to call her with video conversation.. She said that she will mute her microphone, her speakers and turn off her camera. I said ok. I called her, she could see me. I started showing her my pictures, we had fun talking about them.. I said that it's embarrassing to show.. She said that I shouldn't be shy because I looked cute back then and I still look really cute. I didn't reply. After around 7 pictures she said that it's too hard and she has to go. I said fine. Ended the conversation. The other day I couldn't hold it and when we were talking I suddenly said I miss her, she said she misses me too. I ended the conversation. We were talking for the next few days but not really bringing serious stuff.. Yesterday she wrote to me and asked about some really not important thing about something in the apartment, not related. I answered. And it was quiet. Later on she wrote again, why did I have to leave a letter to her in the apartment and why do I make it so hard to get over me. I replied that I could say the same thing about her because back then on our last meeting she couldn't even tell me, if she sees us in the future. She replied “That's because I don't”. I wrote to her a lot about the last days and how much of thinking I've made and how much I realised and how much more there could be and that it's time for me to grow up. She said that she doesn't know how can I see us in the future, because there will be always this weird pressure and me having problems with myself and her opposite character.. And that she doesn't believe my “happy talk”. I wrote to her that in this case I can't do the friends thing, because I will never love her as a friend and the only way I love her is as a men, as a partner.. So I can't be friends. I said that I don't want to talk and we shouldn't. I also said that if she would ever change her mind then my door is open, but that means in only one way.. At that moment I think she kind of panicked a little, because she said exactly what I said “We won't talk for a while then.. Because I don't see you as my love anymore, and if you can't do the "friendship" thing we shouldn't talk.. at least not for a while.” Even though I said what I want she used those “for a while”..”at least not for a while”... After that she said good luck and I wrote again that if she would ever come across thinking that she could believe in us and that people can change for the better, my door is open. Good luck. That was 3 days ago. We haven't spoken since then. I know what I wrote to her and I believe it's a good decisions, but to be honest it's tearing me apart, I don't really want it.. Of course I could be her friend hoping everyday that she would change her mind.. But then again it's not healthy. On the other hand I really miss her and talking to her. I try to keep my days busy and meet the new people, I get out of my outsider's comfort zone, but it doesn't feel good at all. On the 2nd of March I sent her a letter with proper apology, however proper it could be.. I just needed to do that. But now we don't talk and I have a feeling that after she will receive the letter she will write to me, but I'm afraid that all she will write is that she doesn't want any letters from me in the future etc. The other thing is that on 5th of April it could have been our 3rd anniversary and then on the 6th o April it's my birthday. It will also be 30 days of silence if we won't talk. I don't want to break the no-contact period. I'm just afraid she will write in a meantime. What could I do? What are chances that she would want our relationship back? I'm devastated but pretending that I can manage my life great. I could never pretend but now it's just something I have to do because otherwise I'm down. I know that if she would take me back things would be different. Because the main problem was the frustration in me.. I just wanted so much and I couldn't get it.. I mean I was living in a different country, I've always tried so hard to get a job there, to learn the language, to become better me. Of course problems caused make me feel like **** and it influenced her and her life. I can't stand the fact that she gave up now, when things started to be better.. I got my first long contract, the course, even started to feel better, because I had a purpose.. Now it's all crushed. The message turned out quite long and with a lot of details, yet still there is a lot to say. Could anyone help me to make sense of all this mess?
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 What a sad story! I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through. You did the right thing by refusing to settle for *just friends*... and your instinct to cut the contact so you can heal is spot on. It's unfortunate you sent that letter on the 2nd -- but if you can make that the last time you reach out to her, it won't be too much of a set-back. Upcoming birthdays, anniversaries, holidays -- these are not excuses to reach out to her again. Let the days pass, find other ways to make them special or keep yourself so busy that you don't have to dwell on them. It sounds like she really enjoyed being with you when the excitement levels were high during your separations/reunions of a long distance relationship, but once you settled into life together, her feelings faded. It's painful when this happens and I don't see anything you could've done differently to prevent from happening. Some people just don't have what it takes to stick around after the Honeymoon Period is over. Please don't blame yourself for this breakup. It sounds like it's all on her. I wouldn't be surprised if she had someone on the horizon she wanted to pursue, which is why she blocked you from seeing her social media sites. Whatever she replies to your letter -- IF she replies -- please don't respond. Let it go. Give yourself some time without contact so you can start to heal! If you continue this back-and-forth between you, it's going to keep you stuck in the initial shock and pain of the breakup. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com
Author xyz0123 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) After what she said to me "Why do you make it so hard to get over you" and I said that I could tell the same when she couldn't tell me, if she sees anything in the future.. I started to talk about what I need to change about me and that I'm 100% aware.. and she used twice "Time will tell" in that conversation.. It's like she doesn't want to talk about us, but she still keeps me hanging on. At least she explained to me why she wants to break.. it hurts though to know that it's only because of how I was.. I had opportunities to go on social meetings with her, to meet up with her friends when she asked.. but instead I chose staying at home because of all the insecurities and not being too much of a social type.. I hate it. Because I know how many relationships don't work out because of money or constant fights, cheating.. not here.. It's such a bad reason to cut someone off.. I don't think she met someone new.. she is not that kind.. besides I asked about it and she was really serious about it.. besides she turned my question against me and said that it's the reason she wants me off too.. because I'm always jealous and always suspect her.. I was so stupid and immature! I lost really something very beautiful because I was too stubborn to look around and see what I've got, cut the worries away.. Do you guys think that I could get her back somehow? I know that she still has feelings.. she had to put them aside.. she was posting things like "I want my freedom -but are you willing to pay the price of it?" or "Perhaps we will meet again when we are better for each other". I feel really hard because I know the next month will be really tough.. I wanted to send her flowers with note just about thanking for the effort she put into us, despite everything. Because I know I was so hard to be with, because of my depression and problems with myself.. I also know that she has friends in my country that she wants to visit.. she's been talking about it for a really long time.. but it would be probably on summer.. I feel like stalking her to get a chance if she comes to my country, but I know that it's a dangerous thing. I am clueless.. She shouldn't have broken up, because I'm better than what's in my head. But she doesn't want to believe me anymore. I still hear in my head words she said when we met for the last time and she said from herself that she will miss me and that we had a really good time together. I also asked if she regrets anything.. She said she regrets some things, decisions, but she doesn't regret being in love with me and things that we've done together... Edited March 8, 2015 by xyz0123
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 After what she said to me "Why do you make it so hard to get over you" and I said that I could tell the same when she couldn't tell me, if she sees anything in the future.. I started to talk about what I need to change about me and that I'm 100% aware.. and she used twice "Time will tell" in that conversation.. It's like she doesn't want to talk about us, but she still keeps me hanging on. Don't fall for this. She's trying to soften the blow.... and keep you on the back burner as a possible Plan B option in case she ever changes her mind one day. I don't think she met someone new.. she is not that kind.. besides I asked about it and she was really serious about it.. besides she turned my question against me and said that it's the reason she wants me off too.. because I'm always jealous and always suspect her.. I was so stupid and immature! If she's calling you jealous.... and blaming you for being suspicious.... and saying this is one of the reasons for the breakup.... those are all HUGE red flags that there's someone else on the horizon. Cheaters have only two lines of defense: to DENY and to BLAME YOU for suspecting them. It's extremely rare for someone to tell you they're interested in someone else. Usually they'll just deny it and call you jealous. PLEASE don't stalk her. Don't follow her online. Let this go -- at least for now, give yourself some time to heal. Try not to cling to the words she told you to soften the blow. She's made her decision and acted on it. Your best bet is to work toward acceptance and healing, so you can move on to someone who does want to be in your life!
Author xyz0123 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 I really don't think that it's about someone else. I know that right now I will tell myself anything.. but it just didn't feel like that, didn't look like that.. besides still doesn't look like that. What about the things she posted on the net? I saw another one "Some days you just have to be your own sunshine". Which still suggest like she really wanted to be alone.. I know what everyone says.. that I should just move on to someone new, but it's been more than a relationship. Really good friendship to.. at the end of the day, sometimes we could just lay in bed til 4 AM and talk about life about the world.. super comfort. We have a really similar taste in music and preferences when it's about movies and everything. Besides we had many things that we've done for the first time in our lives. Together. We were really close to each other and everything else made it more fun.. For example the language difference made it really interesting or that we are from different countries, different backgrounds, culture.. It was really special. I don't know.. I really have a strong feeling somewhere in me that she may want to come back some day.. but on the other side I know that I shouldn't live with this kind of hope.. I want to move on and work on myself, but at the same time I don't want to move on.. I can't explain.
Author xyz0123 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 She wrote to me yesterday.. I could barely get myself to open the message.. Of course it was negative, even though I had a tiny bit of hope to read something nice. She asked me to not be friends with her friends anymore.. That it won't do me any good. I asked one of her friend what she thinks about it and at first it was ok, but from the moment she said that my ex is on the picture now I knew what's going to happen.. I talked with that friend for 20 mins it ended up that she deleted me from contacts. My ex.. Of course I couldn't not reply to that, because I had things to say that it's not only her friends.. I ended up writing everything and I couldn't hold myself and wrote things that I really hope that she could believe that people change for the better, that I'm setting problems with myself aside.. that I really want to work it out. That I want a normal, proper, stable relationship and I know where I went wrong and I was blind. All I read in the reply was that it's too late and she doesn't care if it may take even years for me to find someone new.. and of course I can have a normal relationship but it won't be with her. She said that she hears everything I say about that I'm sorry and that I realised really way too late everything. She said that what happened happened and she is really glad of the decision she made and that she is a lot happier without me. For the words that I can really work it out, she just said that I can't, that it's done, that she is done and we're through. I mentioned about things that she loved from some days before she decided to break up, things that made her happy I said "You loved it, everything I was doing". She replied "I did." When I said that these 3 years really didn't go to waste. She said "I never said that. But they can't continue" I'm completely crushed. She ended up going from the conversation.. one of her last sentences were "I'm really going to block you soon.." But she didn't do it. She hasn't removed me from skype.. I expect that it can happen today. But what if not.. I mean, she doesn't want me in her life anyways.. She deleted me from skype once before already, but not now.. I can't delete her. And I feel that I will love her forever. It's been almost a month since a break up and I still love her the same, despite of everything that happened.. I don't know how to cope with this all..
Ruby65 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 She ended up going from the conversation.. one of her last sentences were "I'm really going to block you soon.." But she didn't do it. She hasn't removed me from skype.. I expect that it can happen today. But what if not.. I mean, she doesn't want me in her life anyways.. She deleted me from skype once before already, but not now.. I can't delete her. And I feel that I will love her forever. It's been almost a month since a break up and I still love her the same, despite of everything that happened.. I don't know how to cope with this all.. ^Please, please.... PLEASE don't use that as a shred of hope to cling to! Look, it's natural that you won't be over this after just a month. What you're feeling is how everyone feels in the first weeks after a breakup. BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. You need to stop this contact -- with her, with her friends, no looking or snooping online, NOTHING! End it now. You continue to stick your hand in a blender, over and over, when you make contact with her and her friends -- and then you wonder why it still hurts? When you can STOP the contact... you will START to heal. Here's a guide that will help you. Read this NOW: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Keep posting -- and block her from any sites or apps she hasn't blocked you on! Her and her friends, too. Do it today.
Author xyz0123 Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 It seems impossible! We've all had a really good connection.. I feel like I'm the most evil thing living on earth.. like I'm a criminal.. Tonight I found out that she will be in my country at the begging of August.. Of course in my head there starts to naturally be plans and visions.. I know I will not get over it all so easily.. Not about that women. I could delete her from my life and she could as well, but I can never delete her from my heart. Yes I know how desperate I sound and that I do the opposite of what should be done, but seriously guys.. That women.. I can't figure it out.
Ruby65 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 It seems impossible! We've all had a really good connection.. I feel like I'm the most evil thing living on earth.. like I'm a criminal.. Tonight I found out that she will be in my country at the begging of August.. Of course in my head there starts to naturally be plans and visions.. I know I will not get over it all so easily.. Not about that women. I could delete her from my life and she could as well, but I can never delete her from my heart. Yes I know how desperate I sound and that I do the opposite of what should be done, but seriously guys.. That women.. I can't figure it out. Time to get a grip, my friend. NO -- you don't see her when she's in your country. Read the guide. Delete her everywhere......... and YES, in time you will recover. Time to get some perspective, this is a breakup -- not a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. YES, it hurts, it's excrutiating.... but it's temporary. And you WILL fully recover. Not only that, but you'll move on and find love again. The connection you had was strong.... but you'll have that again with other people. No, it's not a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You think this person was "The One".... but of course she wasn't. The person you're meant to be with isn't going to break up with you. Keep moving forward! Head high.
Author xyz0123 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Probably a bad idea but we are in contact now. Silence broke. 3 days ago we talked for 3 hours like nothing happened. Today it wasn't really a conversation, but when I told her that I have to go because I have things to do I was just about to quit skype and she suddenly came out with the question what am I up to. Even though I didn't ask her about anything really. She mentioned that she misses me and thinks about me, but she doesn't feel "that thing". It's been a month after the breakup and I though I would have some more distance, but my feelings towards her haven't changed at all.. Tough. Now what I have left is try to not get to close I guess, but I feel that it will happen automatically anyways.
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