john229393 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Hi I'm quite new and was wondering if I could get some advice from people here! So me and my girlfriend had been together for 5 years, from school through to University. She still goes to University over 200 miles from me but we have been doing the long distance relationship for 3 and a half years now with no problems. Everything was fine until January when she found out she had managed to get an offer to study for a PHD. Things all started to change and she started calling me less as soon as she found out the news. I went up for her birthday 1 week later and everything was normal, we had a blast and covered any issues we were having in terms of her being busy with work and how we could make it easier for both of us due to the distance. When I left she then didn't speak to me, didn't get me a birthday present even though it was the day after I left, and then rang me 4 days after I had spent over £150 to go and see her to say that it wasn't working and that she couldn't find the time for me. I can't understand what happened as she was so happy to see me that weekend and we had fun as always plus was phoning me daily only a week before. Ever since we haven't spoken. I can't understand how she went from calling me everyday to suddenly not having the time and breaking it off in the space off 2 weeks? I know I shouldn't but I occasionally look at her facebook profile as I know her password but she hasn't even searched for my profile or tried to make contact. I understand the non contact but not even stalking me just seems odd as I know she cared. In addition she still has time to cook for her study friends, arrange trips and go to pub quiz's etc. She said she had to spend so much time working she couldn't commit to me but she can commit to her friends. She said that due to the PHD she had no idea when she was going to move home so wouldn't be good to stay in the relationship, but we have been doing a long distance relationship very successfully for the previous 3 years. I know some will say that she didn't love me etc but the way we were together during that weekend there was no way that she didn't care for me. In a conversation to her friend she mention that we both weren't happy in the relationship when I said nothing of the sort. It really hurt me when I heard that as I was absolutely crazy about her and would always have found the time. We were together for 5 years and she just picked up the phone, giving me no respect at all. I can't understand it and would like some advice on how to move on as it is killing me inside. It has been a month since we broke up and any advice would be appreciated
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I agree it sounds like you were given an excuse for the breakup -- not enough time? -- rather than the real reasons. It's hard to accept, but also fairly standard not to be told the absolute truth in this kind of situation. Why the dishonesty? It sounds like her mind is made up, she doesn't want a debate. She's also likely hoping to spare your feelings. As for what she told her friend -- ignore that, she's just trying to justify herself to her friend and not look like the bad guy. It's very rare for relationships that begin so young to last forever -- especially with college and all the new experiences and people she's got thrown at her. Now that she sees even more years away working on her PhD, it's understandable she'd anyway why she decided to end it now. I know the pain is intense, but you're not doing yourself any favors by snooping online. If you can, please try to unplug and stop looking. There's an excellent guide to help you go No Contact posted here on this site. Here's a guide that will help you with healing: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck and keep posting! 1
Author john229393 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 Thanks for your reply. Snooping online is very difficult to do when its always there. I will make an effort to detach myself from it over the coming weeks. We were always very honest with each other and she never said that the distance had been an issue so I find it surprising that it is now a problem. She just seemed to turn off as soon as she found out about her PhD. I can't make sense of it especially considering she was very outspoken about her friends breaking up due to the distance just as they graduated. I have not contacted her yet but each day I am finding it more difficult to resist confronting her as I feel completely betrayed and humiliated after travelling 280 miles for her birthday only a few days before. I also want to be able to end it myself because the way it has been left I am still hoping that she will turn around. Do you think that meeting her face to face and telling her it's over in my own words would help me in anyway?
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Do you think that meeting her face to face and telling her it's over in my own words would help me in anyway? No, I think it will only set you back and cause you more pain.
mightycpa Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Snooping online is very difficult to do when its always there. I will make an effort to detach myself from it over the coming weeks.You know here FB password? Then block yourself from her account, and change her password to "goodbye". They'll send her an email about it, and she'll change it again. You should probably leave her alone. I know you think it would feel good to go vent, or demand answers, but her answers and her demeanor will not satisfy you. You'll continue to be frustrated. 1
Author john229393 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 I don't think I could feel more frustrated than I do already tbh. I would like her to be honest with me as I hate being lied to, and then that way I can accept it rather than thinking there is no reason to it ending. I will block her but I would quite like to get my stuff back before I do.
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 The reason for the breakup is that her feelings for you changed. Whether this was because of the stress of her studies, or the long-distance taking its toll, or GIGS, or feeling a spark toward someone else..... who knows? But usually, most people never get the true reason for a breakup. All you need to know is that she wants to end the relationship. Hearing why isn't going to make it hurt any less -- and it isn't going to be a way back in. It's up to you to create closure for yourself. Nothing she says or does is going to bring you peace about this relationship ending. That's something you give yourself -- and it only comes with time and No Contact.
Author john229393 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 How could they change so quickly? She was so happy to see me when I went to see her. You can pretend to be happy but running down the street to come and kiss me doesn't seem to me like her feelings were any different when i went to see her surely? I am just really struggling to keep my mind off it. I've been out to see friends, joined a gym, gone away, tried to look for new hobbies, applying for more jobs etc but I just can't get it out of my mind. It is driving me crazy. She was my best friend and the betrayal is just so much to take in. I want to move on, but not knowing why is eating me alive
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Most people check out emotionally long before they end the relationship. She was likely trying to convince herself -- as much as convince you -- that her feelings hadn't changed, which is why she acted so happy to see you and like everything was fine. When you've experienced more relationships and more breakups you'll see this happens a lot. It's shocking, but it's human nature to avoid facing change and that's what she was trying to do, probably for a long time now. 1
quattrob Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 How could they change so quickly? She was so happy to see me when I went to see her. You can pretend to be happy but running down the street to come and kiss me doesn't seem to me like her feelings were any different when i went to see her surely? I am just really struggling to keep my mind off it. I've been out to see friends, joined a gym, gone away, tried to look for new hobbies, applying for more jobs etc but I just can't get it out of my mind. It is driving me crazy. She was my best friend and the betrayal is just so much to take in. I want to move on, but not knowing why is eating me alive Some people do this to avoid the truth and in a way it's there way to fight for it to work by trying to pretend everything is ok and maybe her thoughts/feelings will change but in the end it usually never does. Sorry this is how some people are, guys and girls. She was deceiving you and herself at the same time. 1
Light Breeze Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 How could they change so quickly? She was so happy to see me when I went to see her. You can pretend to be happy but running down the street to come and kiss me doesn't seem to me like her feelings were any different when i went to see her surely? I am just really struggling to keep my mind off it. I've been out to see friends, joined a gym, gone away, tried to look for new hobbies, applying for more jobs etc but I just can't get it out of my mind. It is driving me crazy. She was my best friend and the betrayal is just so much to take in. I want to move on, but not knowing why is eating me alive Go NC because you're never going to get the answers you crave, dumper's rarely give it straight. How can her feelings seemingly change in a span of 2 weeks? It didn't. My guess, this was brewing for a very long time, probably even before finding about the Ph.D stuff, but I think she was fighting it, hence the acting happy part when she saw you. But, when you left, then the doubt overtakes and she remembers that you don't fit in this new life she's carving out for herself. It hurts, I know, but it's a decision she made. Now, it's time to think about yourself, you need to heal and the only way that's happening is if you totally cut her off. Keep the NC, and one day, you'll notice the pain slowly dying down. Stay strong, brother.
Author john229393 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 You are probably right but I just don't know what to believe. She made a massive deal about New years when she wanted it to be just the two of us and I just don't want to believe that she doesn't care anymore. This is one of the hardest periods of my life emotionally. I lost my job the day after it happened so it means I have a lot of free time to dwell on it which isn't helping. I just feel so alone after all the effort I put in and the sacrifice i put in to the relationship. This really has put me off relationships and my levels of trust NC is the best way forward but I need to get my stuff back, how should I go about this?
Ruby65 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Give yourself some time to heal before you worry about your stuff. Many people use the final exchange of stuff as a last way to make contact.... for now, let it be. She was probably making a special effort over New Years to try and convince herself that this relationship is what she wanted. It's hard to believe her feelings changed -- believe me, I've been there! But if she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. Give yourself time to recover, time to heal. Focus on healing and getting another job. You're really going to be okay.
Author john229393 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 I just want to get my stuff asap so I can tie up all loose ends and be rid of her so that I can move on completely. I don't want to move on and then see my emotions be dragged back down to ground zero in a few months because one of us has contacted each other about stuff. Could I contact one of her friends to ask her about stuff?
Light Breeze Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Yes, do all your stuff exchange via a third party, that's the best thing you can do. I agree, the earlier you can cut all contact, the earlier you start to heal.
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