Whats happening here??

[ITPro]

This is a long one. So, ill try and keep this as short as possible. Your patience will be highly appreciated.

 

I've been married for a few years with 3 gals. In hindsight, I knew I was doing the wrong things by marrying her as we were poles apart. But she is a nice human being and I just went along with the flow. Specially after 3 gals, I had no choice. It wasn't untill 3 years ago, I realized that it was getting too suffocating for both of us. We talked about separating but stayed together for the kids. So far so good.

 

3 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love. She is divorced with 2 children of her own. We were meant to be. We fit in perfectly in every way. We started seeing a future together. My GF wanted me to divorce my wife and be with her. I was really fine doing that but I wanted a bit of time for my youngest child to grow up a bit. Wife was working and since I was working from home, it made sense for me to take care of my child a bit longer till she was atleast 4. My GF didnt really like the idea so we had a few small arguments every now and then only to sort it out very quickly.

 

My GF would get insecure and throw tantrums about the fact that I was still living with my wife. I totally understood how she felt and i always assured her that I would divorce my wife and move in her her as soon as possible. Last year, we had a fight and she just took off. It was my fault totally. I chased her for 2 months calling her, texting her etc and she refused to yield. So I figured shhe had enough of me and i kinda slowed down. After 15 days of no contact she got back to be saying that if i filed a divorce ASAP we could work things out. I went over met her. We talked and planned everything together about how we were going to do things in the future, about marriage, both our kids etc etc. I was a bit low on money so moving out into another apartment of my own was not possible at this time. So she allowed me to stay with the wife till i sorted my money issues.

 

We were back together and everything was great. A few months ago, I had a family emergency and i had to travel with wife and kids. My GF didnt like the idea of me travelling with my wife. She was very upset and she started throwing a fit at me. I tried to reason with her saying i had to travel because of the emergency and not that i was going on a honeymoon with the wife. Things got out of hand and she got furious. I got furious as well coz she couldnt understand me. Spur of the moment and i said i didnt wanna continue this way with her if she couldnt understand why i was travelling in the first place. I slammed the phone down on her.

 

The next 3-4 days she texted me. She apologized fr her behavior. I was very very upset so I think i was a bit cold. Although, i did reply to all her messages. I was polite too. After 4 days she stopped being in touch with me. I was busy with the family emergency so I didnt get in touch with her as well. My fault. 10 days had passed and there was no news from her. I felt here was the woman who loved me and sid she would be with me no matter what and she just let me go after 3 days of messaging. I felt she didnt care. So on the 10th day i sent her a text saying I was done. I didnt see a point putting her through all the insecurity of seeing me still living with my wife. I didnt want her to be unhappy. The entire point of being together was to be happy and if she was going to be unhappy till i sorted my sh*t then it didnt make sense to keep her hanging in and subject her to more pain. So i just let her go.

 

At the time of letting her go, my plan was to sort some of my own domestic issues. I had the good intent of getting back to her when i had done what needed to be done.

 

Ive been thinking of her ever since we parted ways. I always wanted to get back to her but i had to sort out my stuff. Recently, it got too much for me to play the waiting game. I knew she wont answer my calls so I dropped an email saying that i missed her and loved her and how i would put it all back together to make it work for us. She didnt reply. I followed up with several mails to tell her that I was sorry about what happened and i did what i did coz i felt cornered by her nagging. I also stated that i would get the divorce, meet her folks to seek their permission for a marriage etc etc. Its been a few days Ive been after her but she wont respond. Its very frustrating to not know. So i sent her another message asking if she didnt wanna hear from me again. In which case i would just let her be at peace with her own life. No response to this either. Simply no reply.

 

Earlier when we broke up once she would at least reply with some reaction. Good or bad. But this time she is shut. Im not sure what to do. I love this woman very much. She loved me very much. We were both very dedicated to each other and completely in love. Unless. she responds and tells me what she has on her mind, I cant take actions to make things happens. Im willing to go the extra mile to do whatever it takes for us to be happy.

 

Its confusing sometimes. Do i just let her go? Do I not give up? I dont know. Thoughts?

 

PS: We broke off in November 2014 and I got back to her after 4 months in Mid Feb

Edited March 8, 2015 by ITPro

[ITPro]

No thoughts?

[Light Breeze]

Does your wife know you have a GF on the side?

 

Anyway, just food for thought:

 

If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Light Breeze

[Elsa281]

This is a long one. So, ill try and keep this as short as possible. Your patience will be highly appreciated.

 

I've been married for a few years with 3 gals. In hindsight, I knew I was doing the wrong things by marrying her as we were poles apart. But she is a nice human being and I just went along with the flow. Specially after 3 gals, I had no choice. It wasn't untill 3 years ago, I realized that it was getting too suffocating for both of us. We talked about separating but stayed together for the kids. So far so good.

 

3 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love. She is divorced with 2 children of her own. We were meant to be. We fit in perfectly in every way. We started seeing a future together. My GF wanted me to divorce my wife and be with her. I was really fine doing that but I wanted a bit of time for my youngest child to grow up a bit. Wife was working and since I was working from home, it made sense for me to take care of my child a bit longer till she was atleast 4. My GF didnt really like the idea so we had a few small arguments every now and then only to sort it out very quickly.

 

My GF would get insecure and throw tantrums about the fact that I was still living with my wife. I totally understood how she felt and i always assured her that I would divorce my wife and move in her her as soon as possible. Last year, we had a fight and she just took off. It was my fault totally. I chased her for 2 months calling her, texting her etc and she refused to yield. So I figured shhe had enough of me and i kinda slowed down. After 15 days of no contact she got back to be saying that if i filed a divorce ASAP we could work things out. I went over met her. We talked and planned everything together about how we were going to do things in the future, about marriage, both our kids etc etc. I was a bit low on money so moving out into another apartment of my own was not possible at this time. So she allowed me to stay with the wife till i sorted my money issues.

 

We were back together and everything was great. A few months ago, I had a family emergency and i had to travel with wife and kids. My GF didnt like the idea of me travelling with my wife. She was very upset and she started throwing a fit at me. I tried to reason with her saying i had to travel because of the emergency and not that i was going on a honeymoon with the wife. Things got out of hand and she got furious. I got furious as well coz she couldnt understand me. Spur of the moment and i said i didnt wanna continue this way with her if she couldnt understand why i was travelling in the first place. I slammed the phone down on her.

 

The next 3-4 days she texted me. She apologized fr her behavior. I was very very upset so I think i was a bit cold. Although, i did reply to all her messages. I was polite too. After 4 days she stopped being in touch with me. I was busy with the family emergency so I didnt get in touch with her as well. My fault. 10 days had passed and there was no news from her. I felt here was the woman who loved me and sid she would be with me no matter what and she just let me go after 3 days of messaging. I felt she didnt care. So on the 10th day i sent her a text saying I was done. I didnt see a point putting her through all the insecurity of seeing me still living with my wife. I didnt want her to be unhappy. The entire point of being together was to be happy and if she was going to be unhappy till i sorted my sh*t then it didnt make sense to keep her hanging in and subject her to more pain. So i just let her go.

 

At the time of letting her go, my plan was to sort some of my own domestic issues. I had the good intent of getting back to her when i had done what needed to be done.

 

Ive been thinking of her ever since we parted ways. I always wanted to get back to her but i had to sort out my stuff. Recently, it got too much for me to play the waiting game. I knew she wont answer my calls so I dropped an email saying that i missed her and loved her and how i would put it all back together to make it work for us. She didnt reply. I followed up with several mails to tell her that I was sorry about what happened and i did what i did coz i felt cornered by her nagging. I also stated that i would get the divorce, meet her folks to seek their permission for a marriage etc etc. Its been a few days Ive been after her but she wont respond. Its very frustrating to not know. So i sent her another message asking if she didnt wanna hear from me again. In which case i would just let her be at peace with her own life. No response to this either. Simply no reply.

 

Earlier when we broke up once she would at least reply with some reaction. Good or bad. But this time she is shut. Im not sure what to do. I love this woman very much. She loved me very much. We were both very dedicated to each other and completely in love. Unless. she responds and tells me what she has on her mind, I cant take actions to make things happens. Im willing to go the extra mile to do whatever it takes for us to be happy.

 

Its confusing sometimes. Do i just let her go? Do I not give up? I dont know. Thoughts?

 

PS: We broke off in November 2014 and I got back to her after 4 months in Mid Feb

 

 

Oh my god... I am so sorry, but I am going to be harsh here...

A. You have a GF while being married? That's an affair, hence you are a cheater.

B. You told your "GF" that you are going to leave your wife, but you've just postponed it, of course it's a big red flag for her... I wouldn't have trusted you either (because of your excuses and also because you were cheating).

C. You are using your wife. Without her you wouldn't have money for rent?? Are you joking?

D. You broke up with your GF because she was clingy? I don't understand why you can't show any empathy towards her. You knew she was freaking out, how hard is it to just send a nice text message once a day??? When you chased her you had plenty of time to write her long emails...

 

In my opinion, you should think about your children now. Get a job (or another one), and be a responsible adult, you are acting like a teenager.

People in this forum are really heart broken, because someone they have given their all to have left them... It is very hard to read this, how you treated both women...

I wish you well, and that you'll get your life sorted out. But I think you have to work on yourself. Sorry, I just had to write what I think...

[ITPro]

No No. No cheating. Wife knew I was seeing someone else. We had already decided that the marriage was not working and we would just stay together till the Girl grows up a bit. We didnt really have any relationship per say except that we were raising the kids together. The very reason I started dating someone was because the marriage was not working. Me and wifey decided that we would do own thing.

 

GF knew I was going home only for the sake of kids. It was tough for me to do it. But no matter how tough, I had to do it since the kids needed my presence. I love my children and I didnt have want a bad marriage to have an impact on them early on. Just wanted to ensure they grew up well thats all.

[ITPro]

Oh my god... I am so sorry, but I am going to be harsh here...

A. You have a GF while being married? That's an affair, hence you are a cheater.

B. You told your "GF" that you are going to leave your wife, but you've just postponed it, of course it's a big red flag for her... I wouldn't have trusted you either (because of your excuses and also because you were cheating).

C. You are using your wife. Without her you wouldn't have money for rent?? Are you joking?

D. You broke up with your GF because she was clingy? I don't understand why you can't show any empathy towards her. You knew she was freaking out, how hard is it to just send a nice text message once a day??? When you chased her you had plenty of time to write her long emails...

 

In my opinion, you should think about your children now. Get a job (or another one), and be a responsible adult, you are acting like a teenager.

People in this forum are really heart broken, because someone they have given their all to have left them... It is very hard to read this, how you treated both women...

I wish you well, and that you'll get your life sorted out. But I think you have to work on yourself. Sorry, I just had to write what I think...

 

Yes. I did postpone it because like i said I have children and ensuring they grow up well is my duty.

 

Nope, I pay my own bills. Just that I didnt have extra money to pay for a second apartment (which my gf wanted so she could come live with me). I wasnt a money printing machine and i wanted a bit of time to put he money together for the second apartment. Im very well dignified. I dont live off others.

 

I accept i was a bit harsh on my GF. No mistakes about it. But, then again I felt like i was pushed into a corner when all i wanted from my GF was to understand why i was travelling with the wifey in the first place. I had a family EMERGENCY. Would it have been much to ask your GF/BF to show show empathy towards you when there is a death in the family? Isnt this the time when your GF/BF should stand by you and say " Hey im with you. Please do what you have to in order to sort your personal crisis"

 

I think you jumped the gun a bit too early and judged me before you knew if i was cheating or not

[ITPro]

Does your wife know you have a GF on the side?

 

Anyway, just food for thought:

 

If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

 

Yes. When the marriage went bad, We decided we would lead our lives but stay together a bit for the kids.

[Elias33]

You're not in a position to make any promises to anyone. You ARE married after all.

 

The extra mile you are talking about is leaving your wife and kids, and you haven't been able to do that.

 

I think you've had the right intentions but somehow took a wrong turn here. That is what is happening. While you may think you are doing the right thing -staying for the kids and all, you've chosen a path that is very destructive for any relationship you're in, simply because you are married.

 

Don't hide behind the whole "staying for the kids" thing. You fall in love with someone other than your wife, and you choose to act on that, ok, that is how these things go. But accept the consequences and take action. Your girlfriend made a wise decision to stay away from such a toxic situation. It's nothing something you can ask of anyone, especially someone you claim to care about.

 

You can't be in both world at the same time. Wife and kids, or girlfriend. Because you want to teach your kids integrity. I hope you come to the right conclusion for everyone involved.

[ITPro]

And i missed something to mention something very important. MY GF IS NOT LEGALLY DIVORCED. She is "legally" still married but separated. Her husband comes over to stay with her a couple of times week to see the kids.

 

Both our families i.e parents etc knew we were seeing each other and that were still with our legally married partners for childrens sake. Divorce was only a formality here.

[Ruby65]

And i missed something to mention something very important. MY GF IS NOT LEGALLY DIVORCED.

 

This just gets better and better!

 

 

I have no idea where you all live that you think it's better to raise kids in a loveless marriage where the husband and wife are openly cheating..... then to divorce, rebuild your lives and model healthy relationships?

 

What do you think your daughters are going to look for when it comes time to choose a husband? Do you think, with you as a role model, they WON'T be choosing someone who lies, cheats and sleeps with other women? Who stays with them -- not because of love, but because of obligation?

 

There's a difference between living separate lives, having your own place and being practically divorced (not filing the paperwork) and actually co-habitating with your wife and kids while sleeping around.

 

This isn't the 50's -- there's NO BASIS WHATSOEVER to say that it's healthier for your kids to watch you cheating on their mom than to simply get a divorce.

 

I think you're doing it because it's easier for YOU, not because it's what's best for your daughters.

[ITPro]

This just gets better and better!

 

 

I have no idea where you all live that you think it's better to raise kids in a loveless marriage where the husband and wife are openly cheating..... then to divorce, rebuild your lives and model healthy relationships?

 

What do you think your daughters are going to look for when it comes time to choose a husband? Do you think, with you as a role model, they WON'T be choosing someone who lies, cheats and sleeps with other women? Who stays with them -- not because of love, but because of obligation?

 

There's a difference between living separate lives, having your own place and being practically divorced (not filing the paperwork) and actually co-habitating with your wife and kids while sleeping around.

 

This isn't the 50's -- there's NO BASIS WHATSOEVER to say that it's healthier for your kids to watch you cheating on their mom than to simply get a divorce.

 

I think you're doing it because it's easier for YOU, not because it's what's best for your daughters.

 

While you may like to call it cheating. We are talking about two people whose marriages are not working. Have you been in a marriage where your kids wake up to see you fight with your husband/wife? Better to end a marriage like that which is what we both did. But having said that, the kids are innocent and they need the love and the caring of both the parents.

 

I dont really see it as problem if two adults agree that they can lead their own lives and still be with the kids every now and then. I have to remind you that my wife didnt have a problem seeing someone else.I didnt have a problem if she saw someone else. We both have the right to choose to be happy. I never had a problem if my GF's husband visited her or stayed over a few days for his kids. We dont live in a perfect world. Its easy to judge others. In the end we do what we think is the right thing for us.

 

My GF knew i was not divorced legally and i knew she was not either. Yet we choose to be in love and be together. We were only hoping that soon we would both files papers for divorce and get along with life.

 

What is right for you may not be right for someone else. Like i said there was cheating or lying involved anywhere here. Everything was very transparent with both sides knowing what was going on.

[ITPro]

You're not in a position to make any promises to anyone. You ARE married after all.

 

The extra mile you are talking about is leaving your wife and kids, and you haven't been able to do that.

 

I think you've had the right intentions but somehow took a wrong turn here. That is what is happening. While you may think you are doing the right thing -staying for the kids and all, you've chosen a path that is very destructive for any relationship you're in, simply because you are married.

 

Don't hide behind the whole "staying for the kids" thing. You fall in love with someone other than your wife, and you choose to act on that, ok, that is how these things go. But accept the consequences and take action. Your girlfriend made a wise decision to stay away from such a toxic situation. It's nothing something you can ask of anyone, especially someone you claim to care about.

 

You can't be in both world at the same time. Wife and kids, or girlfriend. Because you want to teach your kids integrity. I hope you come to the right conclusion for everyone involved.

 

Thats of course that was the intention i.e to do the right thing for everyone. I had made things clear to my GF that my kids were important and i needed to be with them untill they grew of a certain age. She totally got it since she has kids of her own.

[sabd]

I think you're setting an appalling example for your children.

 

And stop using them as an excuse not to have your sh*t together. You'll ALWAYS be a parent. Take charge of your life and do something to sort this mess out. Stop waiting for your "GF" to give you permission.

[ITPro]

Stop waiting for your "GF" to give you permission.

 

So all people that go through a divorce or get married again are appalling examples to kids? So if i was legaly divorced and was dating someone, that would have been an "ideal" thing for kids? People that have bad marriages or go through divorce are not humans? They dont have a heart? They cant find love again?

 

My kids are not an excuse for me. They are the reason why I work from home. Just because I have a bad marriage or Im seeing someone else when im still legally married DOESNT make me a bad parent. Does it?

 

This post is not about what my duties as a father is. I'm very much aware of what it takes to be a parent. My kids love me and they wouldnt love me if i was an a*shole with them or if i neglected them.

 

True, If I had an ideal marriage it wcould have been better for the kids. But its not an ideal marriage. But that doesnt mean that my kids are suffering. They are well taken care of and are very normal "secure" kids. This has been possible because me and my wife decided to stay together in their formative years albeit our differences.

 

I understood the rest of your message well. Just didnt get the permission part.

[sabd]

ITPro, you said:

 

Unless. she responds and tells me what she has on her mind, I cant take actions to make things happens.

That's what I mean by "permission."

 

You don't need her input or go-ahead to take action.

 

As for the example you're setting for your kids, they're learning that it's normal to be in a loveless marriage where there's no commitment.

 

I'm divorced myself, have 2 children and also work from home so I know what it's like to go through breaking up your family. Its never pleasant, for anyone. But staying together "for the sake of the kids" is a cop out that won't end in a good result.

Edited March 9, 2015 by sabd

[Ruby65]

So all people that go through a divorce or get married again are appalling examples to kids? So if i was legaly divorced and was dating someone, that would have been an "ideal" thing for kids? People that have bad marriages or go through divorce are not humans? They dont have a heart? They cant find love again?

 

My kids are not an excuse for me. They are the reason why I work from home. Just because I have a bad marriage or Im seeing someone else when im still legally married DOESNT make me a bad parent. Does it?

 

This post is not about what my duties as a father is. I'm very much aware of what it takes to be a parent. My kids love me and they wouldnt love me if i was an a*shole with them or if i neglected them.

 

True, If I had an ideal marriage it wcould have been better for the kids. But its not an ideal marriage. But that doesnt mean that my kids are suffering. They are well taken care of and are very normal "secure" kids. This has been possible because me and my wife decided to stay together in their formative years albeit our differences.

 

I understood the rest of your message well. Just didnt get the permission part.

 

You're teaching your daughters that it's okay to cheat and to stay in a loveless marriage.

 

*Father of the year!*

 

You'd LIKE TO BELIEVE it doesn't affect your kids.... you HOPE it doesn't affect your kids.... in truth, you have no idea the damage you're doing to your daughters by exposing them to all this dysfunction while pretending it's normal!

 

Clearly, you're putting your own interests before theirs. You're just rationalizing so you can continue to do what feels best and is most convenient for YOU, not them.

[ITPro]

ITPro, you said:

 

That's what I mean by "permission."

 

You don't need her input or go-ahead to take action.

 

As for the example you're setting for your kids, they're learning that it's normal to be in a loveless marriage where there's no commitment.

 

I'm divorced myself, have 2 children and also work from home so I know what it's like to go through breaking up your family. Its never pleasant, for anyone. But staying together "for the sake of the kids" is a cop out that won't end in a good result.

 

Thank you for your input which I appreciate. Yes we are staying together for the time being I.e It was always a short term arrangement. we decided that the youngest was very tender and young. We wanted her to be a certain age. She is now at the age. And now we dont have to stay together. This is exactly why I didnt get back to my GF when we broke up. Had I done it then I would have had nothing new to offer to her except the same old me living with my wife. If you read my first post, I mentioned in there that the time was right now and i was done waiting. And I finally got back to my GF because the time had come. Maybe i should have keep her updated. But maybe i thought she would see me as giving the same reasons/excuses again. I didnt want her to feed on her insecurity. I wanted to make the final cut and approach her. I can move out of home now, files for a divorce etc and do what needs to be done.

[ITPro]

You're teaching your daughters that it's okay to cheat and to stay in a loveless marriage.

 

*Father of the year!*

 

You'd LIKE TO BELIEVE it doesn't affect your kids.... you HOPE it doesn't affect your kids.... in truth, you have no idea the damage you're doing to your daughters by exposing them to all this dysfunction while pretending it's normal!

 

Clearly, you're putting your own interests before theirs. You're just rationalizing so you can continue to do what feels best and is most convenient for YOU, not them.

 

Would you care to explain how Iam teaching my kids that cheating is OK?? Maybe you dont read my posts too well. I have mentioned that there was no cheating involved. Wife knew I had a life of my own. She had hers. Just that we were not legally divorced. Signing on paper is but a formality.

 

I didnt say it doesnt affect the kids. I admitted it that it would have been better had they been raised in an "ideal" marriage. No one here is pretending that things are normal. Im just a normal father who is taking care of the children while I can and doing the best under prevalent situation.

 

Its hardly been convenient for me. Dont you think that divorcing my wife and spending time with my GF would have been more convenient for me instead of changing nappies in the middle of the night?

 

Im not here to hear nice things about the situation i am in. But to judge me because I have a bad marriage and think Im not acting in the welfare of my children is wrong!.

[Ruby65]

Im not here to hear nice things about the situation i am in. But to judge me because I have a bad marriage and think Im not acting in the welfare of my children is wrong!.

 

You're choosing to model a loveless marriage and cheating to your daughters, who are being taught by your behavior that this is what relationships are supposed to be like.

 

You have no idea what this is doing to them -- you'd like to believe it doesn't affect them? Why don't you schedule an appointment with a therapist and find out how these girls are being impacted by their dad's affairs?

[ZiggyZoo]

OK, to address the situation with you and your GF...I think it is a very unhealthy relationship, and I think she realized it too. You two have broken up and gotten back together several times, which is never a good sign. You broke up with her this last time over the phone, were admittedly a little cold to her in the subsequent texts, and then didn't even try to reach out for 10 days. I know you had a family emergency, but that is no excuse for not at least sending her a text in that time. It takes literally a minute to type "Hey, hope all is well with you. Things are crazy here, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you". She didn't respond, so you then ended things again with a text.

 

She's given you her answer. She's done, and has gone NC. She hasn't responded to any attempts to contact you, and its time to realize that she likely never will. If you truly want to show her your love and respect, you'll honor these wishes and let her be.

 

Now that you're financially able, I also think it would be a good idea to move out and get a divorce. Your ex-GF was a very understanding woman, but the chances of you finding someone else willing to put up with that situation are very slim indeed. As long as you and your wife are still living together, and she's the one you turn to with family emergencies, neither of you are fully available for ANY other relationship of any depth.

 

So, my advice? Move out, move on. Let your ex-GF see (if she's so inclined) by your actions, not your words that you're serious about what she wants. My guess is that she's past caring, but this is something that you need to do anyway, for you.

[ZiggyZoo]

As far as your actions and their effect on your daughters? You are definitely having one. My parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids" for almost 15 years while I was growing up. They had separate bedrooms, and the only time we were together as a family was at holidays. I don't know if either were involved with anyone else.

 

This behavior, which I grew up as the norm, I feel was partially to blame for the demise of my own marriage. Turns out my ex-husband WAS seeing someone else, but his actions seemed normal to me. I didn't see anything amiss with my husband spending all day and most of the night apart from us, or taking weekend trips by himself (well, with her as it turned out) because I thought it was normal in marriages for that sort of thing to happen. And it isn't, of course, these were huge red flags that I was dismissing because I honestly didn't know any better. This is what your daughters are learning is normal too.

[Ieris]

@ITPro ~ It's interesting how your EX GF was pushing you to get a divorce yet she was still married herself and had her husband stay over occasionally. What was stopping her from sorting out her divorce or was she waiting for you to get yours sorted first? I guess you were both in similar situations so you'd think she'd be a bit more understanding...

 

Personally I wouldn't say you were cheating if you had an agreement with your wife, however your kids might not see it that way. In their eyes, your EX GF would be the person responsible for breaking up your marriage and they will probably resent her for that. So probably would have been best to get the divorce first before getting involved with someone else. Either way, your kids are going to be hurt with their parents splitting up no matter what age they are. Just be honest with them, show respect to their mother and one day they'll understand that things don't always work out, not because there was another woman.

 

Anyway with your EX GF, it is unlikely that she will reach out. It's been 3-4 months since your break up, she's most probably over you or still bitter about what happened. Well on Ls here I read a lot about breadcrumbs and dumpees are advised to ignore them (your emails). If dumpers are serious about getting their EX back they need to move mountains, go break down her door or something but be prepared that she may not want you anymore...

[ITPro]

@ITPro ~ It's interesting how your EX GF was pushing you to get a divorce yet she was still married herself and had her husband stay over occasionally. What was stopping her from sorting out her divorce or was she waiting for you to get yours sorted first? I guess you were both in similar situations so you'd think she'd be a bit more understanding...

 

Personally I wouldn't say you were cheating if you had an agreement with your wife, however your kids might not see it that way. In their eyes, your EX GF would be the person responsible for breaking up your marriage and they will probably resent her for that. So probably would have been best to get the divorce first before getting involved with someone else. Either way, your kids are going to be hurt with their parents splitting up no matter what age they are. Just be honest with them, show respect to their mother and one day they'll understand that things don't always work out, not because there was another woman.

 

Anyway with your EX GF, it is unlikely that she will reach out. It's been 3-4 months since your break up, she's most probably over you or still bitter about what happened. Well on Ls here I read a lot about breadcrumbs and dumpees are advised to ignore them (your emails). If dumpers are serious about getting their EX back they need to move mountains, go break down her door or something but be prepared that she may not want you anymore...

 

Yes its true that she wasnt technically divorced since her husband was unwilling to sign the papers. But yet she wanted me to do it. I was OK with it since I knew I had to do it anyways. Absolutely right about the fact that i wanted her understanding since she was in that place already herself. I never really was insecure about her husband staying over etc. But she was with me.

 

Its true that kids will be hurt when i move out. They love me and love to do things with me around the house. But it doesnt have to be a bad scene as me and my wife dont really fight or argue.

 

 

About the GF.. Yes. I realize she may never be back. She has always wanted things on her terms. Asking me to divorce while she still not doing it herself is a case in point. When i recently mailed her, I said I would do everything she ever wanted me to do. File the paper work, meet her folks, marry her, Move out and get another apartment etc. And really i would. Getting a divorce really is just a formality. I still will move mountains if i have to. If only i know what she wants. I dont know so i cant be shooting arrows in the dark or doing things that have no significance to mine and her collective lives.

 

If she is not gona be there with me then I plan to move to another city. I just needed to know whats on her mind. I guess i wasnt really expecting her to come running into my arms when i sent her an email. Maybe all i wanted to know was if we still had a chance together. Writing back a line to say she has moved on would have made it so much more easier for both of us.

 

If she is silent, maybe she has moved on. Or like you said she is still hurt and bitter. Maybe she wants me to chase after her and prove to her that ive changed. I dont know. Time will tell. In the end, at least for me, I had told her that i would do certain things to make it work and im really putting everything to make things happen. If she isnt gonna be around then I have no choice.

 

I would have torn her door down. Really. But then I know if she wants to talk she will get back.

[Elias33]

The kids part is a very sad thing, and I went through it myself. But things will be better, and as a resilient parent you'll find ways to be available for them.

 

As for relationships under these circumstances, it's just very hard on everyone involved, including you. Like others have said, move out, and move on. Even though you have an understanding, and even though everyone knows, you were still physically present which is absolutely counterproductive in the development of a new relationship. Good luck to you.

[ZiggyZoo]

She has told you what she wants though. With every non-response to every attempt you make to contact her, she tells you "no".