JellyBeen Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) He won't say I love you? First off. I know. I know to a lot of people action speaks louder than words, and it's probably true. A couple weeks ago one of our common friends broke up with her partner because he won't move with her. When my boyfriend heard , he said I'll move with you if you are moving. I just ignored his comment and he said seriously though if one day you want to move I'll move with you. That's very sweet of him to say, but I cannot just move so I would never know that if he indeed will do that. On the other hand, I kind of have doubt about this relationship because I feel like if after dating for a year you still can't say you love me, you probably don't , or you never will. So far he has treated me right and everything. He had told me many time that I'm really special to him and he really really likes me, but at this point I feel like "like" is not enough to sustain the relationship. I really care for him, but I cannot just wait around and hope that maybe someday he will love me after we have already been dating for more than a year...... I feel like a bitch just to confront him about this but I don't think I can do this anymore... He can easily say he love lemons or he love tacos... but not me.. I feel like even tacos and lemons are more important to him than I am Edited March 8, 2015 by JellyBeen Link to post Share on other sites
DoesntGetIt Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 if he is good to you in every way, is loyal, caring, loving, kind, and faithful, how much does one word really matter to make you doubt so much by not hearing it? I remember when I had a girlfriend, who ended up becoming my wife and we were together for 13 years, and I told her I loved her after something like 8 months (tough to remember how long for sure after all these years) and she went silent and finally said "thanks". It was awkward, of course, but I laughed it off as I knew through so many other ways that she cared deeply. It took another month or two for her to get the courage to say it in return, but in the end being able to say that word matters so little compared to all of the things that truly matter. Not to mention the amount of people who say "I love you" to significant others out of habit who they don't even care about. If he is being a great boyfriend in every other way, don't worry so much about one word. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 another thing is we are right now in LDR and I don't see the end of the tunnel. I used to be alright with being alone, and right now when he's not around I just feel lonely. I feel like everytime we meet up and when he left a little part inside of me just died. Not being able to see any future and not being able to tell what he really feel is killing me Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I just wrote about this last week.... men are not like women... many will only say "I love you" on rare occasions, like if you have a car accident. I once had a girlfriend who took my by the shoulders, shook me, and said, "say it!" "Say it"! When a woman says, "I love you", that's code for: "Now you say it!" You know he loves you by the way he looks at you, touches you, treats you, and by his actions. Actions scream. I guess men are more doers than talkers. Whatsamatta, you don't like Squint Eastwood Vive la difference! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 I really can't. I saw him once a month for 3 days, and only on that three days I'd be reminded he cares for me. I then just go on and spend the rest of the month thinking where this relationship is heading. I brought this up to him that I don't see the distance is closing anytime soon. Right now he's trying to make a career transition and he told me he is considering moving closer to where I am (but I don't think he will end up doing that because his job is very specialized in that specific location), and said that we should talk about this again only when he comes up with something solid. I don't want to be inconsiderate when he's under such pressure, but I think I'm losing it Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 another thing is we are right now in LDR and I don't see the end of the tunnel. I used to be alright with being alone, and right now when he's not around I just feel lonely. I feel like everytime we meet up and when he left a little part inside of me just died. Not being able to see any future and not being able to tell what he really feel is killing me This is your problem. You are tired of the distance. Honestly... if you can leave him over something like this then you don't love him. If you don't love him then how can you expect him to say ILU to you? Do you follow? SO... since the distance is really what's killing the feeling... can you fix the distance? He already told you that he is willing to move for you! Maybe that means he is feeling the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 This is your problem. You are tired of the distance. Honestly... if you can leave him over something like this then you don't love him. If you don't love him then how can you expect him to say ILU to you? Do you follow? SO... since the distance is really what's killing the feeling... can you fix the distance? He already told you that he is willing to move for you! Maybe that means he is feeling the same way. The thing is , I do care enough for him to be miserable 27 days a month just to see him for 3 days. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Long distance relationships are tough. You really should see each other at least once a week. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 The thing is , I do care enough for him to be miserable 27 days a month just to see him for 3 days. Then fight for him! What is preventing you from being together? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) Wait, so he just SAYS he'll move with you to another country 'if you ever have to move'? But he's not actually taking any steps to move to your city to close the distance? That's not an action, that's just more words. I don't place much stock in words, so I don't think it's a big deal that he isn't saying ILU, but I ALSO don't think that his hypothetical 'in the future maybe' offer proves that he loves you either. There's no shame in saying you can't do a LDR. Not all people can and not all relationships are worth doing long distance for. You have to weigh the pros and cons, and make the best decision for yourself. (FWIW I have done a 2-year LDR, but this is still fact). Edited March 8, 2015 by Elswyth 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 Graduate school lol Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 Graduate school lol You said that you don't see an end. Graduate school has a well defined start and end point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 You said that you don't see an end. Graduate school has a well defined start and end point. But then after that it doesn't necessarily mean that I can get a job in his city (science phd is bad.) Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 But then after that it doesn't necessarily mean that I can get a job in his city (science phd is bad.) Unless he lives in Gants Quarry Alabama... I think you can find something. Look, it's legitimate to choose career over a lover. However, in my experience people who really love each other don't have to make that choice. My degree is in Bio Research. I work in med sales. I've made sacrifices for the people I loved and I don't regret them. They actually led me down a better path. Is there another guy on you mind? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I think it's the fact that you don't see an end to the distance that's weighing on you more than anything. It sounds like the relationship is becoming more difficult for you and you don't know if you want to continue. Imagine for a moment that he finally told you he loves you..but then stayed right where he is. Would that help you feel better? In the end, probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 He won't say I love you? First off. I know. I know to a lot of people action speaks louder than words, and it's probably true. A couple weeks ago one of our common friends broke up with her partner because he won't move with her. When my boyfriend heard , he said I'll move with you if you are moving. I just ignored his comment and he said seriously though if one day you want to move I'll move with you. That's very sweet of him to say, but I cannot just move so I would never know that if he indeed will do that. On the other hand, I kind of have doubt about this relationship because I feel like if after dating for a year you still can't say you love me, you probably don't , or you never will. So far he has treated me right and everything. He had told me many time that I'm really special to him and he really really likes me, but at this point I feel like "like" is not enough to sustain the relationship. I really care for him, but I cannot just wait around and hope that maybe someday he will love me after we have already been dating for more than a year...... I feel like a bitch just to confront him about this but I don't think I can do this anymore... He can easily say he love lemons or he love tacos... but not me.. I feel like even tacos and lemons are more important to him than I am You have been together for a year? Well, I am sure he will say it eventually, some guys take their time. I know a couple that has been together for 20 years and the guy only said it twice to the woman in 20 years. Actions DO speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Hmm... She never said whether or not there was another guy complicating these feelings! Link to post Share on other sites
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Hmm... She never said whether or not there was another guy complicating these feelings! Well she would have mentioned it if it was the case, I bet. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Well she would have mentioned it if it was the case, I bet. That isn't always the case. Link to post Share on other sites
acapelo_dp Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 I think if he hasn't said I love you after year it's not a major red flag, but it would worry me and I wouldn't want a guy to move for me that hasn't said it. And just because he says he will move to close the distance, doesn't mean he is making the steps towards it. Do you guys plan to get a place together? Did you discuss the details? I moved across the country for a guy who I thought was the love of my life. After a year and a half we broke up (last month). Just make sure if he does the move he has a life established there. It's a huge decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 A year and no ILY. Your boyfriend is suffering from a bad case of constipation. You know, the feelings are all stuck inside and can't come out. Is that really what you want for a life partner? He also seems to be suffering from a case of: all talk no actions with his 'I would move away with you' but can't come up with a plan for you 2 to be together here and now. Ya sure some women will put up with it and spend 30 years with a man that said ILY twice. That's not for me. Is it for you? To connect and really feel bonded to your mate you need to hear it. Going to bed night after night and never ever hearing ILY seems cruel and for what reasons? because he's a big strong guy with mommy issues? It's weak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Hmm... She never said whether or not there was another guy complicating these feelings! Nah I usually prefer single :-| most of the time when I really guys want to be more than friends I just went poof -disappeared. I don't see myself start dating anyone anytime soon even if we broke up. I have already too much going on in my life Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 I think if he hasn't said I love you after year it's not a major red flag, but it would worry me and I wouldn't want a guy to move for me that hasn't said it. And just because he says he will move to close the distance, doesn't mean he is making the steps towards it. Do you guys plan to get a place together? Did you discuss the details? I moved across the country for a guy who I thought was the love of my life. After a year and a half we broke up (last month). Just make sure if he does the move he has a life established there. It's a huge decision. So we have discussed a little bit and I do not want him to move close to me now (I'm half year in my master program and am going to apply for phd- so in a year and a half I'll be moving again and I don't think it's worth it to make him move to where I am not since I'm not going to stay here for long!)I feel like I'm contradicting myself here and really can't blame anyone for it. I'm probably just looking for some verbal comfort that everything will turn out to be okay Link to post Share on other sites
Author JellyBeen Posted March 10, 2015 Author Share Posted March 10, 2015 Unless he lives in Gants Quarry Alabama... I think you can find something. Look, it's legitimate to choose career over a lover. However, in my experience people who really love each other don't have to make that choice. My degree is in Bio Research. I work in med sales. I've made sacrifices for the people I loved and I don't regret them. They actually led me down a better path. Is there another guy on you mind? No other guys. I'm in bio research too, but I hope to stay in academia and you know how tight the fundings are. I have a lots of passion in this so I'll just go to wherever I can do my research. That's one of the reason I don't see the end because there's no way I know where I'll eventually settle, and I don't know if he will be worth giving that up for Link to post Share on other sites
Gottabestrong Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Do you say "I love you" to him? And have you told him that it hurts you when he won't repeat those words? If you have and he still has not said it - after a whole year - I think you are right in thinking that he does not love you or has some psychological blockage that prevents him from saying it. Do you want to be in a relationship like that? I know I would not. My advice would be to stop rationalizing his behavior (some men just don't say it, I am sure he cares for me anyway) and accept that this is not a perfect match for you. There is no shame in wanting your partner to tell you that he loves you. Or seeing your partner more than once a month. I was once in a relationship where I was unhappy due to his lack of affection (he also never said he loves me). It took me five months of agonizing over it before I finally ended it. The overwhelming feeling after that was relief. Relief that I was no longer in a relationship that made me miserable and was now free to find someone who showed me the love and affection I craved. (Whom I found 5 months later btw, and we are still going strong. ) Stay strong and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts