compulsivedancer Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I haven't dated since college, and even then I rarely went on a second date. I fooled around a bit, but didn't sleep with any guys until I met my husband. Now that I'm thirty and on my own again, I'm not really sure how to approach this dating thing. I have kind of been looking forward to the sex thing, but someone at work told me I should wait till date 3. What do I need to know to date in my 30s?
Gary S Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 It does not matter if you are 20 or 30, the big moves are the same... guy asks for girl's number, asks girl out, kisses girl (if everything goes just right). It's the same old thing, different day. Average for sex is the 3rd date... note that's an average, not a rule. Wait at least that long, I think one night stands are unnaturally fast. The longer you can wait though, the better to weed out the players. The number one rule is to go with your intuition/gut feelings. 1
DoesntGetIt Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I tend to have success with 1 to 2 dates for sex. At the same time I'm not a player so I don't role out on a woman once I get it. It is all a feel for the situation. Three dates feels pretty normal. The people who force the wait for 6, 7 or more dates I find a bit odd because at that point it is holding out for the sake of it and I will probably just figure you're not that interested and keep my eyes open for other opportunities. 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I haven't dated since college, and even then I rarely went on a second date. I fooled around a bit, but didn't sleep with any guys until I met my husband. Now that I'm thirty and on my own again, I'm not really sure how to approach this dating thing. I have kind of been looking forward to the sex thing, but someone at work told me I should wait till date 3. What do I need to know to date in my 30s? I shouldn't have to say this... but focus on getting the guy to connect with you emotionally before jumping into the sack. Counting dates is retarded. Make him want to care about you! 3
Arieswoman Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I agree with sawtoothmars 100%. No sex without monogamy. I would want to be sure a guy really liked me as a person and was interested in a LTR before getting down to the rumpy-pumpy. Once you put sex into the mix it can cloud your judgement. I started dating in my 30's after I got divorced and if I wasn't sure I didn't do it. In the meantime some guys walked - their loss ! Good luck and have fun! 2
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I agree with sawtoothmars 100%. No sex without monogamy. I would want to be sure a guy really liked me as a person and was interested in a LTR before getting down to the rumpy-pumpy. Once you put sex into the mix it can cloud your judgement. I started dating in my 30's after I got divorced and if I wasn't sure I didn't do it. In the meantime some guys walked - their loss ! Good luck and have fun! Yes. I think in many ways men and women tend to view sex differently, while wanting similar things from it. I should also say that anyone named "compulsive" anything... may struggle holding back. If she does jump in the sack quickly try not to catch feelings for the guy. Most guys assume ourselves not to be special... and if you jump in bed at the first opportunity... the guy doesn't feel special... he feels like your not very picky. This has 100% to do with emotional connections. The question then becomes... how do you tell if a guy is emotionally engaged? 1
Perrier Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 OP if a guy tries to swivel me into bed on early dates I don't view him well. I Three dates then sex, to me, sounds awfully fast. OP go with your gut. Do bear in mind women can become emotionally bonded after sex while the man's engagement levels will not change unless he has become emotionally invested prior to the act. I once read that once sex occurs, the courtship never passes the level it reached prior to the act. 2
Author compulsivedancer Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 The whole concept of dating is kind of depressing. I've never done rules or games all that well. I never thought I'd have to do this stuff again. I'm guessing it would be frowned on to have a casual sex partner in the meantime?
mammasita Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 100% agree - no sex without monogamy. I'm in my 30's too, I ain't got no time for sleeping with someone, then wondering if they're into me. Figure that out first. 4
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 The whole concept of dating is kind of depressing. I've never done rules or games all that well. I never thought I'd have to do this stuff again. I'm guessing it would be frowned on to have a casual sex partner in the meantime? I think it's a bad idea... but if you want an FWB... go get one! I have met very few women who don't rapidly catch feelings and want more. I also have rarely met a woman who doesn't think that she is the exception to that generalization. Like all the crackheads who start thinking they are the one person who can't possibly get addicted. Frankly... I'm a guy and I don't do FWB stuff. I would rather wait for someone I really care about. In terms of dating... if you play games then you are going to hate it. Be yourself and do what comes natural... when you meet a guy who clicks with that... then happiness awaits. If you play games and act fake... then you will attract a guy that clicks with your fake self. Recipe for disaster.
Lucko Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I tend to have success with 1 to 2 dates for sex. At the same time I'm not a player so I don't role out on a woman once I get it. It is all a feel for the situation. Three dates feels pretty normal. The people who force the wait for 6, 7 or more dates I find a bit odd because at that point it is holding out for the sake of it and I will probably just figure you're not that interested and keep my eyes open for other opportunities. 6 or 7 dates odd? I get it that months and months would be too much but just 6 dates? Seriously? 3
Lucko Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 The whole concept of dating is kind of depressing. I've never done rules or games all that well. I never thought I'd have to do this stuff again. I'm guessing it would be frowned on to have a casual sex partner in the meantime? I wouldn't go on a date with a woman with a causal sex partner or history of cheating. Bye bye if I find out. I've had to do that a couple of times.
alphamale Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 you should wait until you feel ready for sex. don't let anyone pressure you 1
alphamale Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Average for sex is the 3rd date... note that's an average, not a rule. Wait at least that long, I think one night stands are unnaturally fast. The longer you can wait though, the better to weed out the players. The number one rule is to go with your intuition/gut feelings. actually studies show that when a couple has sex has no effect on how long they date or whether or not they get married.
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 actually studies show that when a couple has sex has no effect on how long they date or whether or not they get married. Those studies are meaningless in this situation because they looked at couples that are already dating! From a predictive standpoint faster movement towards sex shows a lower likelihood of dating.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 The whole concept of dating is kind of depressing. I've never done rules or games all that well. I never thought I'd have to do this stuff again. I'm guessing it would be frowned on to have a casual sex partner in the meantime? If you want to be taken seriously it's not the best idea, but if you don't care about a relationship right now then you can do what you want without any expectations. It's when you start doing the whole expectations because of X or Y, your opinion, your feelings, just assumptions without communication...that's when you start being stupid.
candie13 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) the trick is to weed out men who are not that interested in you, but would keep you around hoping to sleep with you. some will lie directly, others will lie by omission, other will lie and not even realize it. I won't hide it, it's a tough tough world out there. What really helped me is to understand what I really wanted: did I want to have fun and aimlessly date, enjoying my being a single woman or did I want a relationship? My biggest lesson was to learn that there are only these two options. Most women start casually and then realize they want a relationship. Very unlikely to happen. So my advice to you is the following: Step1: be clear with yourself, inside your own head, with what it is that you want from the future. give yourself time to figure it out and keep it easy until you do figure it out. Step 2: after you understood what it is that you are after, look exactly for that and weed out men who do not fit your request: e.g. men who seem to want to have a gf, if you're not looking for a relationship or men who keep it casual when you want one Step 3: cut your losses as soon as you've gotten your information. You always get all the information you need. make educated guesses and do not waste time or emotions to "make sure" you understood that your partner does not want the same thing. Play it extra extra safe, because there are plenty of experienced players out there. Step 4: enjoy the ride and meet people. Get to know them. Get to know yourself. Create connections. It will all be fine. Edited March 8, 2015 by candie13 1
candie13 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 oh, and another useful tip: it's not because we are women that we are not getting rejected. I believe sometimes our ego plays against us. sometimes a no is a no. Learn to deal with rejection - because it will happen. Don't let failure get you bitter, keep those standards high, don't dwell and make yourself move on quickly. Some women moon over guys they could not have - irrelevant if they were worthy or not. Plenty of fish in the sea, keep on the watch for those who do appreciate a woman like yourself (first) and who match your criteria (second)
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Dating at any age goes like this: Stick to you moral standards and expectations. If it scares the guy away, then he isn't worth your time and he wasn't your match. Waiting for the right one is better than have many crappy ones. 1
KatZee Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I'm going to have to echo everyone who is saying sex by date 3 is way, WAY too soon. I just had a first date with a guy, we didn't even kiss. That's my pace. A first date is a mere stranger, I don't know you, he doesn't know me, and typical first dates don't even last that long. To think a guy is expecting by date 2, or 3 to get sex?? I don't get it. Where is the courtship? Where is the build up to actually being together like that? I don't understand the mentality of "hey we just met, wanna have sex?" No. I don't. I view sex as more than just an act. I need to feel close to someone, emotionally connected to someone, I need to trust that person. Otherwise, sex is mediocre and a waste of time. And yes, this weeds out players BIG TIME. Dudes don't need their P in the V to know if a woman is interested in them. There are a million other things a woman can do to show a guy he's interested, and any guy who's saying, "I need to stick myself up inside you to know that you're interested in me" sounds immature, and a like a player. For sure.
Arieswoman Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 OP, Have you read " It's just a date!" by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt ? It's published by Harper-Collins ISBN No 978-0-00-722832-4 It's a really useful book IMO, that will help you get back into dating...
Versacehottie Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 sex on date 3 is so cliche. i wouldn't operate under that rule. Just do it when it feels right to you both. That's hard to decipher sometimes so err on side of protecting your heart. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I'm in my late 30s and have started dating 8 months ago after a 6 year relationship and 1 year on my own to try and compose myself. It was a bit daunting at first but not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I have strict rules that I apply to myself (dating one guy at a time, stick to my requirement list as much as I can, try not to waste anyone's time) but still it's trial and error after a few months. I got to know someone online recently (not through a dating website) and got far too carried away without meeting him first and also he lives in another country in Europe. I couldn't go through with it but I now know I don't want to date online and I don't want a LDR, both of which I was open to when I started. As for when to have sex with them, I don't until I know for sure we are exclusive, and that can take anything from a couple of dates up to a couple of months, depending on the guy and how you feel about him. I personally wouldn't start a casual sex situation with someone I'm planning on dating because I feel it sends the wrong signals but to each their own. Finding a casual sex partner is easy enough if you know where to look, but exercise caution both emotionally and health-wise.
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