swordsmen121 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 This wonderful girl I have been dating for nearly an year is still hurt by her ex-boyfriend. I m not sure if she still has feelings for him. Story is apparently she felt really close to him and loved him because she hadn't felt like that in a long time. She had accidentally gotten pregnant by him and had a miscarriage. The boyfriend didn't like the idea of her getting pregnant and didn't support her at all. He wasn't there for her when she miscarried. My girlfriend was alone in all this. And after the miscarriage the guy had become indifferent towards her and didn't show her the same affection anymore. My girlfriend is still not over the pain of the loss of the baby and she still wonders why he decided to stop talking to her. This was worse early in our relationship but since then we did talk and I did ease her pain a little by offering some explanations of why he might have done that. Part of me feels like I m not good enough because she did keep in touch with him and had feelings for him early in the relationship. She did talk to him behind my back but I know she hasn't done anything as bad as sleeping with him again. Since she's been with me she realized how much better and more loving I am and even wants to get married to me too now. She does tell me all the things that I did with her that she's never done with anyone before. I did see some truth in this because she's become alot more confident over the year. She doesn't talk to the ex anymore but I know that she still wonders why he changed and still completely isn t over the pain. As her man, what do I need to do to help her?
Buddhist Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I don't think there is anything you can do to be honest. It's an internal issue. From what you tell me about her past, it sounds like (note I'm not saying this is definately what is) that she had an abusive relationship with that guy. Pretty much any guy who manipulates their partner emotionally is an abuser and that's what this sounds like. In that kind of situation she will believe herself to be in love merely because he drops crumbs of kindness her way inbetween being a total arsehole most of the time. It's quite easy to program someone like this, torturers do it all the time. So it sounds like he had her hooked on these small hits of affection while being emotionally absent the rest of the time. The answer is this....until she can come to the place of realising this was an abusive relationship and stop fantasizing about how great he was until all of a sudden he wasn't, she won't move on. She'll always be asking herself why her oh so perfect relationship suddenly took a turn into ****sville and she lost her utopic loveland. It's because she has no real perspective on the past and needs urgently to see a therapist about it.
Author swordsmen121 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 I don't think there is anything you can do to be honest. It's an internal issue. From what you tell me about her past, it sounds like (note I'm not saying this is definately what is) that she had an abusive relationship with that guy. Pretty much any guy who manipulates their partner emotionally is an abuser and that's what this sounds like. In that kind of situation she will believe herself to be in love merely because he drops crumbs of kindness her way inbetween being a total arsehole most of the time. It's quite easy to program someone like this, torturers do it all the time. So it sounds like he had her hooked on these small hits of affection while being emotionally absent the rest of the time. The answer is this....until she can come to the place of realising this was an abusive relationship and stop fantasizing about how great he was until all of a sudden he wasn't, she won't move on. She'll always be asking herself why her oh so perfect relationship suddenly took a turn into ****sville and she lost her utopic loveland. It's because she has no real perspective on the past and needs urgently to see a therapist about it. Thank you for your reply. To clarify, it wasn't really an abusive relationship. According to her they had a great time together and everything. However, the guy got scared because he didn't want his parents and anyone knowing and he thought his future was at stake since now he had to take care of the unplanned child. He got freaked out from my understanding. Sure she needs to see a therapist but its bothering me as well and I want to do something to help her.
Price2Play Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 This whole situation sucks swordsmen. I hate to brake it to you but it sounds like you are a rebound to help forget about the ex.. Rebound relationships are terrible, people get hurt all the time. It's been a whole year and her ex is still on her mind? Sorry bro that's a huge red flag. I can completely understand the miscarriage taking an emotional toll on her but the ex, noway. If you are soo "much better and more loving" then her ex shouldn't even cross her mind! It almost sounds like the feelings have resurfaced. :-/ I agree with Budda she needs to see a therapist, you are not a psychologist. You can be there for her and comfort her if you choose to. But remember this is a huge red flag, her old emotional baggage is making your relationship harder. If you sense she is trying to sabbatoge your relationship then get out it is never worth it! Proceed with caution and protect your heart.
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 You suggest she get some grief counseling from a professional therapist that specializes in child loss.
preraph Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 She's just very hurt and confused by what happened with that other relationship. She was heartbroken. That stuff eases up and you can love other people after it, but it does kind of change you and doesn't just go away. She is just dumbfounded that her old bf acted the way he did because he had her convinced he loved her and then he just bailed. It changes you internally because you realize you can't even trust your own judgment to know when love is real. It sounds like she loves you very much, though, and you've done well helping her talk through it. As long as she doesn't seem to just continually dwell on it and if he is now out of the picture, that's all just fine. Before any commitment you ask for, I would do it with the stipulation that there be no further contact with him, however. If it were a better relationship and he hadn't bailed on her, I wouldn't say that because sometimes you can be friends. But I don't think she needs to be holding onto someone and being friends with him when he was not there when she needed him so badly. If you offer her commitment with this caveat and she hesitates, then at least you'll know.
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