Aslanbek Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Please, forgive me the long post in advance. I am 51 years old, male. I live in a tiny townhome in a very affluent area of a very affluent state with my wife and two teenage boys. My wife and I have been married for 26 years, and the marriage has been really bad most of the time because we both early on came to realize that we were not compatible in terms of personality or family background, and there has been palpable tension in my home and in my physical self almost from the beginning. We are at the point in which when my wife is not in the room with me, I actually get slightly ill with dread when I hear her coming up the stairs, because I know that nothing good is going to come from the encounter. I liken it to being on an island and seeing a boat flying the Jolly Roger coming up closer and closer, gradually, from a distance. I know there is no good outcome and that it is inevitable. As I told you before, my wife and I have completely different personalities. She is a maniacally driven workaholic who seems to believe that money and material success will ultimately make her happy. She is a classic narcissist (as well as paranoid and somewhat bipolar) who grew up in a violent home and area. She is quite capable of meanness and callousness and exhibits bullying and manipulative tendencies. She is pretty successful in her professional field and is a real go-getter, an extroverted networker. I am quiet, unassuming and somewhat childlike (but far from childish). A young lady of my acquaintance once told me that I had an "innocence" about me. I grew up in an all-male institution and as a result am very quiet and guarded. Many women who know me (including my wife and mother) say that I am secretive and somewhat sneaky. While I do not exactly agree with this, I do admit that I do not often reveal much about myself to anyone. I do not know why this is except that I find it very bizarre that anyone would want me to tell them what I am thinking deep inside, what someone said to me in a conversation not involving the questioner, or other random details about my life. I am not trying to hide anything from anyone - I am just a quiet, introverted person who is wary about revealing very much about my inner feelings and inner life (so why am I doing it here? I am at my wit's end and have nobody to talk to). In any event, ever since I was about 48 or so, I have come to feel that I am a failure in life. You may or may not believe this from my writing, but I am (or was) a very, very intelligent person. I tested genius level on IQ tests as a child and could have graduated from high school and college very early. The reason I did not was that my school did not believe in this type of accelerated education. So, strangely, I was an indifferent student throughout my school years because I really never had to expend much energy to maintain an A average. While my friends and housemates went to mandatory study time, I read comic books or listened to music. I simply was not challenged at all, especially during my junior and senior years in high school. I pretty much didn't even go to class senior year. Still, I graduated third in my class and was able to gain admission to an Ivy League school. There, I struggled academically at first but improved my concentration and work ethic. I was not an academic star but was able to graduate on time. However, despite having a few friends and being involved in some activities that I liked, I was extremely isolated because I could not find anyone to love or, failing that, anyone to have sex with. Pretty horrible situation to be in in college where guys and gals (at least some of them) hooked up with each other on a regular basis. Even though I was a musician and an athlete, I was overweight, ugly and clueless about how to relate to the opposite sex. Not a great combination. I don't know if any woman was ever interested in me, but if they were, I had no idea and wouldn't have known what to do about it. I considered myself a loser because I couldn't get a woman. I didn't have sex until three nights before graduation, and didn't have a relationship with anyone until I met my wife three years after that. I was greatly attracted to her spirit and of course her looks, but doubted her motivation for wanting me. I thought she was very intelligent and personable, but the fact that she had been a teenage mom had given me pause. Combine that with her insane family and scary background and issues that rivaled mine, and that even from the beginning I noticed some things I just didn't like about her, I continued to date and become serious about her. Why? Well, I was inclined to believe that I had to "settle" for her - note that this is in quotes. Even though I regret getting married because much about our life together has been hell, she is not someone I consider inferior. Just different. We came from different worlds. It's just that I felt it wasn't in the cards for me to find someone who might have been compatible. When you're a man with a deep need for love and affection (as well as the sex drive of a jackrabbit) but don't kiss a woman until you're 22 and don't have a girlfriend until you're 25, you start to believe that if you don't find someone - anyone, soonest! - you will be alone for the rest of your life. I knew lots of men in that situation, guys in their 40s and 50s who simply had nobody in their life, and they were sad, bitter, defeated people. I didn't want to be those guys. Despite opposition from my family and meddlesomeness from hers, I felt that we could make it. But despite being together for more than 25 years - I don't think we have made it. We have been at each other's throats (not exactly literally) since the beginning, and I have grown tired of her domineering, bossy personality. She has gotten tired of my sullen, sometimes furious reaction to her personality. She usually sleeps downstairs in the living room. Our finances are in a shambles because although she makes a lot of money, I have been unemployed a lot, I am still undercompensated, and she likes to spend money. She has threatened to divorce me many times, and I have refused to cooperate because I want to raise my kids. While I would not ultimately mind a divorce after the kids are grown, I still fear the nastiness the process will unleash as well as the prospect of being one those lonely, bitter old men who have no chance for sex and companionship. It terrifies me, really, and I don't want to be one of those losers. In my life I have already spent too much time there. I have had some really bad breaks in life, and I am angry and bitter about them. I have also squandered or potentially squandered opportunity. I have a job and it is not a bad job (despite the crappy pay). But I am so depressed about my personal and professional life I can hardly bring myself to go to work. And it is definitely hurting my job performance. I simply am very bored and preoccupied and cannot concentrate on my work. I have tried counseling on and off for years with varying degrees of success. Right now I can't afford it though. And the doctors won't give the the medicine I think I might need because of another health condition. So I can't even take any drugs (not that I want them, but I am so desperate I will try anything). But I can still see beauty and good things and good people. I am not mad at the world. But I am miserable. And save some time from about 1995 to 1998, I have always been miserable. I hate my life. I don't have a marriage, I don't have a sex life, and my professional situation stinks. If I didn't have kids, I seriously would think about killing myself. I am not suicidal (yet) but I have definitely given up on life, because I don't see any way out of this mess. I really do not care whether I live or die, because I feel like a useless failure who can't get anything going. I feel my life has been a waste, and I don't want this life anymore. Can anyone just weigh in here and let me know what they think?
Downtown Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 She is a classic narcissist (as well as paranoid and somewhat bipolar) who grew up in a violent home and area. She is quite capable of meanness and callousness and exhibits bullying and manipulative tendencies.even go to class senior year. Aslanbek (aka, New Jersey lion), perhaps your W is a "classic narcissist" as you suspect. Some of the behaviors you describe, however, are warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The "paranoia," for example, is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Moreover, the "split personality" you describe (your 7-31-13 post) is a warning sign for the Jekyll-Hyde transformations that are so characteristic of BPD. Further, even if your W is a full-blown narcissist as you suspect, that would not rule out BPD. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 41% of the female narcissists have co-occurring full-blown BPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Moreover, the physical abuse and violent behavior you describe in other threads (e.g., your 11-27-12 post) is strongly associated with BPD (and to a lesser degree with NPD and ASPD). If your W has strong BPD traits, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD. Finally, even if your W does have "bipolar" disorder as you suspect, that would not rule out BPD. At the link for Table 3 provided above, you'll find that 36% of bipolar-1 sufferers have co-occurring full-blown BPD. I observe, however, that the rapid, event-triggered changes in mood you describe are characteristic of strong BPD traits, not bipolar-1. If you're interested, I describe a dozen differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. Can anyone just weigh in here and let me know what they think?Aslanbek, the primary reason I mention the possibility of her having strong BPD traits is that living with a BPDer often has a "crazymaking" effect on the spouses that makes them very confused. Indeed, of the 157 disorders listed in the AMA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused spouses and partners feel like they may be losing their minds. To a lesser extent, NPD and ASPD (sociopathy) also have that same crazymaking reputation. This is why therapists see far more of those abused spouses -- coming in to find out if they may be going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers and narcissists. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your sons are dealing with. Significantly, if he believes your W really does exhibit strong traits of BPD and/or NPD, you should speak with him about the risk of her having passed it on to one of your sons (either through genes and/or an early childhood invalidating treatment). Where any of your past therapists a psychologist? What opinion did they render with regard to your W's dysfunctional behaviors? I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read about the warning signs for BPD, NPD, and ASPD (sociopathy) so you know how to spot the warning signs. An easy place to start, with respect to BPD red flags, is my list at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Aslanbek.
Author Aslanbek Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Thank you for the info. Will be in contact.
pie2 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 OP ~ I'm sorry for your pain. Have you considered counseling, either for your marriage, for yourself, or both? I think you need some added support from a professional therapist, rather than solely an internet forum. The reason I say individual counseling is NOT to get opinions about your wife, but rather to get some help in coping and improving your own life. And please beware of searching out diagnoses on this forum. There is a lot more to think about than one member's suggestion of a diagnosis, especially when you, who know your wife much better than anyone, have differing opinions of her problems. No matter how "accurate" BPD might seem, it also seems very unhelpful to look solely at your wife as the main villain in this situation. Unfortunately, it does take two to make a 25-year marriage so miserable. You yourself admit that the pairing might not have been the best from the get go. Yet, factors in your own personality allowed you to chose this path. The question is why, and how can you improve on those factors in yourself? Because ultimately, all we can do in this life is take responsibility for our own actions. Our happiness is dependent on ourselves alone. Best of luck, and God bless.
Author Aslanbek Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 OP ~ I'm sorry for your pain. Have you considered counseling, either for your marriage, for yourself, or both? I think you need some added support from a professional therapist, rather than solely an internet forum. The reason I say individual counseling is NOT to get opinions about your wife, but rather to get some help in coping and improving your own life. Thank you for responding. Yes, I have had counseling in the past, and am currently looking for it again. And please beware of searching out diagnoses on this forum. There is a lot more to think about than one member's suggestion of a diagnosis, especially when you, who know your wife much better than anyone, have differing opinions of her problems. No matter how "accurate" BPD might seem, it also seems very unhelpful to look solely at your wife as the main villain in this situation. Unfortunately, it does take two to make a 25-year marriage so miserable. You yourself admit that the pairing might not have been the best from the get go. Yet, factors in your own personality allowed you to chose this path. The question is why, and how can you improve on those factors in yourself? Well, the reason I got married is that we had been together, living together for a year, and she said either we got married or she would leave. As I had never been in any other relationship, I was afraid I would never find anyone else if she left. so I reluctantly got married. I was not ready for marriage, but I hated being alone. Because ultimately, all we can do in this life is take responsibility for our own actions. Our happiness is dependent on ourselves alone. Best of luck, and God bless. As much as I would like to believe that, I remembered so many years being totally alone, having nobody to talk with, much less have a loving or sexual relationship. I felt like the eternal 5th wheel or odd fellow. Sometimes you just get sick of being by yourself. 1
pie2 Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Thank you for responding. Yes, I have had counseling in the past, and am currently looking for it again. Glad to hear it, Aslanbek. Well, the reason I got married is that we had been together, living together for a year, and she said either we got married or she would leave. As I had never been in any other relationship, I was afraid I would never find anyone else if she left. so I reluctantly got married. I was not ready for marriage, but I hated being alone. Fear of being alone, and fear of the unknown aren't necessarily the best foundation on which to build a marriage. Counseling could possibly help address some of those fears. It's possible some of those same fears have impacted your life in many other ways, and figuring out how to combat them could really help you make changes you want to see, imo. As much as I would like to believe that, I remembered so many years being totally alone, having nobody to talk with, much less have a loving or sexual relationship. I felt like the eternal 5th wheel or odd fellow. Sometimes you just get sick of being by yourself.I might have been a little confusing there. I don't mean being alone should make you happy. I just meant you're the only one responsible for your own happiness. I completely agree that isolation is NOT healthy, at least on a long-term basis. We're social beings, and need others. Getting those social needs met can be the tricky thing. Many of us have our own baggage that prevents intimacy. And so, the vicious cycle of isolation perpetuates...we don't get close, so we get down, and we get down so we don't get close...etc, etc. But regarding happiness, we have to be responsible for that ourselves. No matter what the circumstances, our perception can change how we feel about something. Some people in what seem to be the most dire circumstances can be happy, while others in what seems to be the best place in life can be very sad. It's all about how he or she perceived what was going on at the time.
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