rosem Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are in our late 20s and yet he still has years of intense training ahead for his job (medicine). So he finally admitted to me, a few months back, that he doesn't want to get married & have kids for another 5 years. I'm ok with waiting but what is our life together in the meantime? He agreed to move in with me after 1 year but only because he felt "pressured" and thought that saying yes would take my mind off wanting an engagement/real commitment. Didn't say "I love you" for a full year... and the first night he finally said it, he was trying to reassure me that he does eventually want to marry me someday (because I was asking him questions, insecure about how serious he really is abuot me). But he immediately went out to the bar & tried to meet up with a single girl with whom he'd been flirting behind my back. He kept saying we're just on different timetables with marriage and he doesn't want to fight about it anymore, it's impairing his productivity. Well I don't want to spend 5 more years living with a guy who won't even put a ring on it, and furthermore, he spends ALL his free time working on endless extra work projects that he chooses to pick up. Some nights he's in the office all evening long, and I understand. But I'll pop in and say "hey I'm going to bed, do you think you could come to bed with me & maybe just cuddle for a few minutes until I fall asleep?" He refuses, can't be distracted from his work. He NEVER plans dates, or even hour-long breaks from his work to do anything with me. Puts 0 effort into the relationship. we are still living together but right now he doesn't really want me to talk to him or touch him; he's behind on his work and wants to finish it. He's definitely not kicking me out of our apartment or anything. He said he doesn't want to talk for "2 weeks" and then he'll see if he "feels like talking." should I use this time to make him miss me? and absence makes the heart grow fonder and if I'm not in his space all the time, eventually he'll love me again?
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Breaks are trial runs for break ups. They show the person who wants one that they can get along with out while leaving you hoping & dreaming & being their 2nd choice. If he won't talk to you or work with you to address your concerns about your relationship, it's already over in his mind. He is not going to marry you now, in 2 weeks, in 2 years or when he finishes studying. 1
Author rosem Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 He didn't say "I want to take a break" for 2 weeks. He just said he doesn't want to talk and wants space to do his work! He said "You told me you'd respect the fact that I'm behind on work and need space to get it done, not have more drama with you. So why are you still hounding me about talking about the relationship?" I said "Fine do your work today, can we talk tomorrow?" and he was just annoyed. He said "in 2 weeks." It's not him saying "I want a break." He'd kick me out, un-invite me to his buddy's wedding next month (as of now he knows I'm going), or tell others in public that we're broken up. (He doesn't, he acts like all is fine.)
erklat Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Do you think that your maybe inconsiderate? He maybe into some big project that interests him but your pestering him for marriage? How long is this going? Don't get me wrong, I just can imagine myself getting annoyed.
Author rosem Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Do you think that your maybe inconsiderate? He maybe into some big project that interests him but your pestering him for marriage? How long is this going? Don't get me wrong, I just can imagine myself getting annoyed. Yes maybe. Which is why I think if I'm finally respectful of his space and let him work for 2 weeks like he's asking, then maybe it'll do the trick. Only his name is on our apartment lease, so he definitely could kick me out if he wanted to. And he is not un-inviting me to his friend's wedding!
erklat Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Whose decision is it if you're invited or not? And why is that marriage issue so grave it has to be sorted immediately?
1040 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 To me, it's a problem that he pretty much says you MIGHT get married in 5 years. You are taking a huge risk if you in fact want children. You aren't 22. I see no reason you cannot be married soon, while he finishes his professional preparation. No kids until he is done I can understand, perhaps, though if you are willing to take on the heavy lifting it should work. But you are walking a fine line and I don't think he sees that.
Author rosem Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 To me, it's a problem that he pretty much says you MIGHT get married in 5 years. You are taking a huge risk if you in fact want children. You aren't 22. Yes, and besides that... He doesn't even make me a priority now. He never, ever plans a date or activity for us. He might agree to, like, pick up fast food (with me paying for myself) during his study break. He can spend all night working in the office with a closed door, but if I come in and say "hey I'm going to bed, would you mind coming to bed for 10 minuets and just cuddling me till I fall asleep?" He won't. Staying on track with his work is more important. He doesn't work on making our apartment OUR home. I get no say in the décor. He doesn't even talk in general about the future or what he wants for us. He did announce, "I'll NEVER live in Kansas" (where I'm from). My family is super important to me, but it's not like he said "When the time comes maybe we can look at bigger cities just a few hours' drive from Kansas to compromise." It's all about HIM
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