what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

March 8, 2015

To clarify the infideltiy point, its not gender specific- number of previous partners from 18 until the start of the relationship was an indicator (amongst other factors, in men and women).

Fair enough, but the point still stands if the guy himself doesn't have much sexual experience himself.

March 8, 2015

My personal take is that regardless of whether someone asks, doesn't ask, wants to or doesn't want to know, cares or doesn't care, has lots of sex or doesn't have lots of sex, that folks should just accept is as another person's preference and move on rather than get insensitive about it.

It is all just preferences people! None of it is right or wrong.

March 8, 2015

Heres your starter for 10, assumptions being drawn about older virgins that make them undatabale to that poster:

I should echo what I said earlier thst I respect the posters
s choice, however by the letter of the law in this thread she should be getting pelters for being so judgemental on sexual history. Instead, I can hear only the sound of crickets while a bit of tumbleweed rolls lazily past...

I asked for quotes of people who say in here that a woman can't be judged based on their sexual past and posts from the same posters from the other thread that say men can be judged for their lack of sexual experience.

Women in this thread have been accused of this. So I'm still waiting.

What was preraph's response in this thread?

March 8, 2015

My personal take is that regardless of whether someone asks, doesn't ask, wants to or doesn't want to know, cares or doesn't care, has lots of sex or doesn't have lots of sex, that folks should just accept is as another person's preference and move on rather than get insensitive about it.

It is all just preferences people! None of it is right or wrong.

At last, someone gets it!

These same people getting defensive will reserve their right to judge a dude who is living with his parents and make up all sorts of nonsense about his character from that. Its not nice but that is their right just as its someones right to judge whether number of sexual partners makes someone a good fit for them.

I am sure for every guy who would politely decline a girl with like, 1000 sexual partners there is a dude to whom that would be a positive. People are people.

March 8, 2015

I asked for quotes of people who say in here that a woman can't be judged based on their sexual past and posts from the same posters from the other thread that say men can be judged for their lack of sexual experience.

Women in this thread have been accused of this. So I'm still waiting.

What was preraph's response in this thread?

Sounded to me like you were claiming that women dont judge male virigins....

March 8, 2015

These same people getting defensive will reserve their right to judge a dude who is living with his parents and make up all sorts of nonsense about his character from that.

Here it is again.

March 8, 2015

But than why is it okay to dump a guy if he has a lack of sexual history, or even if you get the sense of it, than it's a turn off to most women. I think men should have a right to know about a womans past. What if she cheated on 3 of her previous boyfriends? Or had sex with a new guy every weekend for 2 years? As said, there's studies that show that infedelity is higher in women that have had more sexual partners in the past. Why is it okay for women to be offended by this, but when it comes to double standards guys face, than women have the right to dump them over something without feeling bad about it.

I can't speak to what other people do. I can only answer for myself.

My husband's past sexual experience is far less than mine by any measure. His past didn't matter to me -- other than he was disease free now.

I do think frank discussions about sex & values are important in any relationship. Medical info should also be discussed & disclosed. I would always ask about past high risk partners: I have never been with a "pro", an IV drug user or somebody who had been diagnosed with an STD at the time I was intimate with them.

However, that doesn't necessitate disclosure of The Number. Now in middle age, having been married for almost 7 years & been with 4 guys in the 20 years immediately before that all in committed LTRs, how relevant is some ONS I had at age 19 in college?

To some extent this hot button issues does bring the issue of compatibility into focus. If the two people involved are on opposite sides of this issue, they don't belong together & it is better to find that out early.

To the OP, who was lamenting that nobody was addressing her original Q, the problem as you should have determined from this thread is that The Number will strike different people differently. Some may think 1-2 is too low; other may think it's too many. Similarly, 100 may be no big deal for some & a deal breaker for others. You sadly won't know which category your BF is in until you disclose & his opinion of you changes, or doesn't. It's a risk. It's not a risk that I would be willing to take, hence my answer: "enough that I know what I'm doing & not so many that I'm ashamed for my behavior." It is the God's Honest Truth, shows I own my behavior & still respects my privacy. I am also perfectly OK with some guy dumping me because I won't tell him The Number. His insistence on that tells me we don't belong together.

Different choices are going to be best for different people. The key is making the choice that is best for you.

Edited March 8, 2015 by d0nnivain

March 8, 2015

Sounded to me like you were claiming that women dont judge male virigins....

I can't speak for all women. I don't judge male virgins. Most posters in this thread haven't as far as I can tell.

But some posters on here have used these assumption against us and I asked for quotes.

Still waiting. I know you won't find a quote from me saying it's ok to judge male virgins. It's not. I just keep out of those threads because I find it usually ends up being men blaming women for their lack of sexual life and it bores me to death.

March 8, 2015

I can't speak to what other people do. I can only answer for myself.

My husband's past sexual experience is far less than mine by any measure. His past didn't matter to me -- other than he was disease free now.

I do think frank discussions about sex & values are important in any relationship. Medical info should also be discussed & disclosed. I would always ask about past high risk partners: I have never been with a "pro", an IV drug user or somebody who had been diagnosed with an STD at the time I was intimate with them.

However, that doesn't necessitate disclosure of The Number. Now in middle age, having been married for almost 7 years & been with 4 guys in the 20 years immediately before that all in committed LTRs, how relevant is some ONS I had at age 19 in college?

To some extent this hot button issues does bring the issue of compatibility into focus. If the two people involved are on opposite sides of this issue, they don't belong together & it is better to find that out early.

To the OP, who was lamenting that nobody was addressing her original Q, the problem as you should have determined from this thread is that The Number will strike different people differently. Some may think 1-2 is too low; other may think it's too many. Similarly, 100 may be no big deal for some & a deal breaker for others. You sadly won't know which category your BF is in until you disclose & his opinion of you changes, or doesn't. It's a risk. It's not a risk that I would be willing to take, hence my answer: "enough that I know what I'm doing & not so many that I'm ashamed for my behavior." It is the God's Honest Truth, shows I own my behavior & still respects my privacy. I am also perfectly OK with some guy dumping me because I won't tell him The Number. His insistence on that tells me we don't belong together.

Different choices are going to be best for different people. The key is making the choice that is best for you.

What are opposites sides? I've seen literal virgins marry partners with a checkered history. Nothing incompatible.

March 8, 2015

I can't speak for all women. I don't judge male virgins. Most posters in this thread haven't as far as I can tell.

But some posters on here have used these assumption against us and I asked for quotes.
Still waiting. I know you won't find a quote from me saying it's ok to judge male virgins. It's not. I just keep out of those threads because I find it usually ends up being men blaming women for their lack of sexual life and it bores me to death.

You can put your head in the sand all you want but men with too little experience and women with too much get judged by society at large. I don't agree with this judgement but more judge than do not judge.

March 8, 2015

I can't speak to what other people do. I can only answer for myself.

My husband's past sexual experience is far less than mine by any measure. His past didn't matter to me -- other than he was disease free now.

I do think frank discussions about sex & values are important in any relationship. Medical info should also be discussed & disclosed. I would always ask about past high risk partners: I have never been with a "pro", an IV drug user or somebody who had been diagnosed with an STD at the time I was intimate with them.

However, that doesn't necessitate disclosure of The Number. Now in middle age, having been married for almost 7 years & been with 4 guys in the 20 years immediately before that all in committed LTRs, how relevant is some ONS I had at age 19 in college?

To some extent this hot button issues does bring the issue of compatibility into focus. If the two people involved are on opposite sides of this issue, they don't belong together & it is better to find that out early.

To the OP, who was lamenting that nobody was addressing her original Q, the problem as you should have determined from this thread is that The Number will strike different people differently. Some may think 1-2 is too low; other may think it's too many. Similarly, 100 may be no big deal for some & a deal breaker for others. You sadly won't know which category your BF is in until you disclose & his opinion of you changes, or doesn't. It's a risk. It's not a risk that I would be willing to take, hence my answer: "enough that I know what I'm doing & not so many that I'm ashamed for my behavior." It is the God's Honest Truth, shows I own my behavior & still respects my privacy. I am also perfectly OK with some guy dumping me because I won't tell him The Number. His insistence on that tells me we don't belong together.

Different choices are going to be best for different people. The key is making the choice that is best for you.

I just think when it comes down to it is if the double standard personally affects them. A woman could dump a guy because he still lives with his parents at a certain age. And just like a guy could dump a woman for finding out about her sexual past. So anyone could dump anyone for anything they aren't okay with. That's why this thread is annoying since women are just offended because it affects them. But in the threads about guys issues, it's always "oh you're insecure" or some other reason.

March 8, 2015

What are opposites sides? I've seen literal virgins marry partners with a checkered history. Nothing incompatible.

Not opposite sides of the partner count spectrum, but on opposite sides in terms of how they feel about it/how much numbers matter. That literal virgin obviously had no problem with that other person's checker past and vice versa. But if one of the other was uncomfortable, then obviously they'd likely be incompatible.

March 8, 2015

I just think when it comes down to it is if the double standard personally affects them. A woman could dump a guy because he still lives with his parents at a certain age. And just like a guy could dump a woman for finding out about her sexual past. So anyone could dump anyone for anything they aren't okay with. That's why this thread is annoying since women are just offended because it affects them. But in the threads about guys issues, it's always "oh you're insecure" or some other reason.

I mean, I haven't read every post in this thread but from what I've seen, there's a lot more people assuming women should be/are offended than actual offended women.....

March 8, 2015

You can put your head in the sand all you want but men with too little experience and women with too much get judged by society at large. I don't agree with this judgement but more judge than do not judge.

How does thinking it's not okay = putting my head in the sand?

How is arguing things should be different putting my head in the sand?

March 8, 2015

Not opposite sides of the partner count spectrum, but on opposite sides in terms of how they feel about it/how much numbers matter. That literal virgin obviously had no problem with that other person's checker past and vice versa. But if one of the other was uncomfortable, then obviously they'd likely be incompatible.

Unless one has AIDS or something it's just insane.

March 8, 2015

What are opposites sides? I've seen literal virgins marry partners with a checkered history. Nothing incompatible.

Somebody who thinks that they are entitled to The Number & if they don't get it assume their partner is a promiscuous liar likely to cheat vs. somebody, like me, who values privacy.

March 8, 2015

I mean, I haven't read every post in this thread but from what I've seen, there's a lot more people assuming women should be/are offended than actual offended women.....

Just go through the thread, you'll see plenty of posts of how they'll kick the guy to the curb for even asking about their past saying it's none of the guys business & that I don't need to be with someone like that.

March 8, 2015

How does thinking it's not okay = putting my head in the sand?
How is arguing things should be different putting my head in the sand?

Actually you have it right, but realize that society at large makes a humongous deal of this. Women who have too many and men too few get labels which aren't fair and which are hard to shake.

March 8, 2015

I mean, I haven't read every post in this thread but from what I've seen, there's a lot more people assuming women should be/are offended than actual offended women.....

Even 1 is too many... and this thread has several.

How does thinking it's not okay = putting my head in the sand?
How is arguing things should be different putting my head in the sand?

This effect is driven by human nature and by the natural gender dynamics of sex. Bitching about it won't get rid of it... because it stems from a natural human emotion.

What PISSES me off more than anything is women who try to brainwash guys into feeling shamed and guilty for their natural feelings!

March 8, 2015

Somebody who thinks that they are entitled to The Number & if they don't get it assume their partner is a promiscuous liar likely to cheat vs. somebody, like me, who values privacy.

I don't care what the number is as long as she doesn't have AIDS or something I'm good to go.

March 8, 2015

How does thinking it's not okay = putting my head in the sand?
How is arguing things should be different putting my head in the sand?

Wouldn't even bother asking

Just looking for something to complain about, something to beat the women in this thread over the head with - at the expense of the OP who kindly asked for us to stay on the topic of her questions. Red herrings all over the place.

"Oh, she wouldn't date a man who lives with his parents or is a virgin, but she doesn't want to be judged for her sexual history" - uh, no woman in this thread said anything about guys living with parents or being a virgin. And FYI, I currently live with a parent and am a late bloomer - as far as I can see, nobody has ever "judged" me for it on this forum .

Let's get back to the point - OP, when it comes to what number is too high - that's going to depend on the person. There's a very well respected poster here with over 300 sexual partners and she's married to a Christian man who obviously does not think her number is high enough for him to be worried. I personally wouldn't care how many men a prospective partner of mine had slept with, as long as the relationship between us is right for both of us. So I don't really have a number that is "too high" at this point.

March 8, 2015

I can't speak for all women. I don't judge male virgins. Most posters in this thread haven't as far as I can tell.

But some posters on here have used these assumption against us and I asked for quotes.
Still waiting. I know you won't find a quote from me saying it's ok to judge male virgins. It's not. I just keep out of those threads because I find it usually ends up being men blaming women for their lack of sexual life and it bores me to death.

Well do they not have a point then if women will not sleep with them purely because of their virgin status?

March 8, 2015

Just go through the thread, you'll see plenty of posts of how they'll kick the guy to the curb for even asking about their past saying it's none of the guys business & that I don't need to be with someone like that.

Just like it's your right to choose a partner with a low number of partners, it's my right to choose my partner based on the fact he feels entitled to knowing and judging the number if people I slept with.

And it has nothing to do with the fact I have a high number of partners or not.

To each their values. Yours and mine are clearly not compatible.

March 8, 2015

Have you all stopped to think it's the attitude and not lack of sexual experience that is off putting women??

I'm amazed by this thread...

March 8, 2015

Just like it's your right to choose a partner with a low number of partners, it's my right to choose my partner based on the fact he feels entitled to knowing and judging the number if people I slept with.
And it has nothing to do with the fact I have a high number of partners or not.

To each their values. Yours and mine are clearly not compatible.

That also doesn't imply offense either - just implies that they aren't the right person.

Have you all stopped to think it's the attitude and not lack of sexual experience that is off putting women??

Amen.

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