what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

[NJ123]

Do you wear a T-shirt that says I'm a virgin or something? Because otherwise I have no idea how they would even know until the event, in which case if you are both naked and putting hands in naughty places it's unlikely to go sour from then on in.

 

Through OLD, the women most of the time usually bring the topic up.

[Buddhist]

Through OLD, the women most of the time usually bring the topic up.

 

Then why keep trying to date there? Guys get their cherry popped everyday, the fact that you haven't doesn't mean that men are dying virgins the world over. They aren't. Now please choose a more believable external condition that you can blame your singledom on.

 

PS - I never mind riding a virgin, I'm good at not over-stimulating them and can usually make it good for both of us. I consider it a community service to teach a guy the first time that pacing and variety are everything.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Buddhist

[Hopeful30]

Ive been there. To me it just means he's insecure or wants to judge me based on my sexual history. In any case I think its irrelevant and usually a red flag. Ive never once asked any man for his number. Like who cares? How does that matter now?

 

Whether you like his number or not, its not gonna change.

[PrettyEmily77]

I think it is funny that a woman can see no problem having a high number. Yet they have a problem about having to tell the truth when asked what their number is.

 

Only speaking for myself here, but not wanting to disclose this kind of private info doesn't necessarily mean having a high number. It just means not wanting to share the details of your sexual life just because a guy wants to know.

 

 

I don't see a problem telling the truth if asked but I would end it there and then. I was never asked and I will never ask myself so this is all theoretical at this point, TBF. I don't care what anyone says, a guy who asks will most likely judge and if he strikes lucky and get the answer he wants, he'll just pretend he asked out of curiosity; if not, his behaviour towards you will likely change. That's not a situation I want to be in either way.

 

 

Those who really don't care just don't bother to ask or want to know because it has no bearing at all on how sexually compatible you will be if you care enough for each other.

[almond]

I don't think that asking this question in the very early stages of dating is polite, but I also don't feel that asking any particularly personal questions at that point is. Having said that, if someone asked, I'd happily answer...but then perhaps become a bit put off that person.

 

 

However, I do feel as though having this conversation once dating progresses is absolutely normal and healthy. I'm not ashamed of my past, and I don't fear being judged for what I have or have not done. I would be very wary of a guy who refused to answer this question at some point in the relationship, and would probably end it right then and there. If I'm exclusive with someone, I expect disclosure to a certain extent. Our pasts matter and mean something. If someone isn't comfortable sharing with me, then I won't be in return...and that's simply not the kind of relationship I want to be in.

 

 

My boyfriend and I discussed this super early on, and it seemed totally normal to me - I can't even remember which one of us asked. For me, it was all curiosity and laughs, I honestly didn't realise till now that this question would bother so many people so much! I can also say now with 100% certainty that I genuinely would not have cared how many partners he had been with in the past, unless he was a virgin or had slammed like 100 women. In those cases, a discussion would be warranted and would benefit us both, as it would help enable us to determine if we were compatible or not and to explore whether our views on something as important as sex weren't totally out of whack.

Edited March 10, 2015 by almond

[kendahke]

lol i know you obviously don't mean it, but I actually laughed at your response.

 

Actually, I do.

[serial muse]

Yes, I understand that, but you were saying that you should tell the truth in a serious relationship. But what if the woman doesn't want to reveal her past, why should you say anything personal that could turn them off as well?

 

Then you have the option of thinking, "we are not compatible".

 

I think you worry a lot about hypotheticals, and as a result you're attributing a lot of negative thinking to other people.

 

The bottom line for this thread is that the OP is in a long-term, serious relationship, and is worrying that she'll be judged over something about which she is actually judging herself. That is certainly something you can relate to, I would imagine. Learning to trust the person you're with is a huge step. Yes, for the OP (and anyone in her situation), I think it's best to have a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend so that she can face her fears and get closer to him. That's just my opinion, of course. But it's not just an opinion that none of the rest of the discussion here applies to her.

Edited March 10, 2015 by serial muse

[wb1988]

some women don't date men who feel they have a right to ask/know/judge their sexual past (because some of us do't regret it)

 

If a woman is truly head over heals in love with a guy then she's gonna wish that he was her first and that she was with no other guy in the past. Unlike men, women consider the guy that she's currently with as the 'best she ever had', unless of course she's not really that in love with him. I only know this because it's what every girl I've ever dated told me, as well as several female friends.

 

If a women isn't willing to accept any regret, self-improvement, guilt (even if unjust) or social beef then she's probably not worth the effort. She's probably the type that expects everything to come easy, is overly demanding, claimed to be independent even though she heavily relies on others and has sociopathic tendencies. I'm saying that's you

[serial muse]

If a woman is truly head over heals in love with a guy then she's gonna wish that he was her first and that she was with no other guy in the past. Unlike men, women consider the guy that she's currently with as the 'best she ever had', unless of course she's not really that in love with him. I only know this because it's what every girl I've ever dated told me, as well as several female friends.

 

If a women isn't willing to accept any regret, self-improvement, guilt (even if unjust) or social beef then she's probably not worth the effort. She's probably the type that expects everything to come easy, is overly demanding, claimed to be independent even though she heavily relies on others and has sociopathic tendencies. I'm saying that's you

 

Life is not a Disney movie.

[wb1988]

If a woman is truly head over heals in love with a guy then she's gonna wish that he was her first and that she was with no other guy in the past. Unlike men, women consider the guy that she's currently with as the 'best she ever had', unless of course she's not really that in love with him. I only know this because it's what every girl I've ever dated told me, as well as several female friends.

 

If a women isn't willing to accept any regret, self-improvement, guilt (even if unjust) or social beef then she's probably not worth the effort. She's probably the type that expects everything to come easy, is overly demanding, claimed to be independent even though she heavily relies on others and has sociopathic tendencies. I'm saying that's you

 

*Sorry Maleficent I meant to say "I'm NOT saying that's you"

[Rejected Rosebud]

If a women isn't willing to accept any regret, self-improvement, guilt (even if unjust) or social beef then she's probably not worth the effort. She's probably the type that expects everything to come easy, is overly demanding, claimed to be independent even though she heavily relies on others and has sociopathic tendencies.

REALLY?? You honestly believe that a woman who has expressed her sexuality freely without commitment automatically has all those bad traits?? That kind of makes me feel sad. Why should she feel guilt or "improve" herself, and how do all those other bad traits like being a sociopath relate to how many sex partners???

[NJ123]

Actually, I do.

 

Yeah, I meant to say you obviously did mean it. But I still found it funny.

[NJ123]

Then you have the option of thinking, "we are not compatible".

 

I think you worry a lot about hypotheticals, and as a result you're attributing a lot of negative thinking to other people.

 

The bottom line for this thread is that the OP is in a long-term, serious relationship, and is worrying that she'll be judged over something about which she is actually judging herself. That is certainly something you can relate to, I would imagine. Learning to trust the person you're with is a huge step. Yes, for the OP (and anyone in her situation), I think it's best to have a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend so that she can face her fears and get closer to him. That's just my opinion, of course. But it's not just an opinion that none of the rest of the discussion here applies to her.

 

Yeah, pretty much so. I'd like to think more & more info would come out as time goes by even if they don't want to talk about it at first. As I said before, it's a womans right to sleep with how many people they want, & of course I'll be called a jerk by many women, but I'd just prefer the woman I was with to not to have ever been promiscuous.

[carhill]

what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

... do you just say the truth?

 

No one ever asked me, and I dated as a virgin for about a decade and a half but, had they done so, I'd simply have used a line I learned from Dear Abby, that being 'why do you want to know?' and then discuss that why and its relevance to our interactions. As mentioned prior by others, such interactions are all aspects of compatibility.

[Imajerk17]

As a man, there are really only two things I really care about (related to this topic) someone I am dating seriously:

 

1. That she won't ever cheat on me.

 

2. That I turn her on/bring out her wild side as no other man.

 

Those two things aren't really correlated to number of sexual partners per se, especially if your promiscuous phase was several years ago. I mean, there are plenty of instances out there of people cheating on the only person whom they've been with--as in the person met his/her spouse in high school and that was the only one that person was with.

Edited March 10, 2015 by Imajerk17

[MrNate 2.0]

So how about we hop off the guilt trip train hm?

 

 

I never understood having these conversations that serve nothing but to make women feel like ****.

 

We all have different sexual pasts. Some are more colorful than others, but who cares? If your issue comes down to shaming people out of jealously because you haven't had much luck, that has nothing to do with women.

 

All of that is on you.

 

I mean, damn. There's so many other great conversations you could be having with women that are actually productive, like:

 

-What's her favorite movies?

-Why are those her favorite?

-Is she afraid of clowns?

-What does her life look like five years from mow?

-Does she still sleep with a teddy bear (or several) at night?

 

I know this may be asking a lot but how about we talk about things with women that involve getting to know them?

 

Our girls have enough out there to feel insecure about already. Let's not add more to that.

[me85]

It really shouldn't matter but if they want to know then be honest and tell them.

[Maleficent]

If a woman is truly head over heals in love with a guy then she's gonna wish that he was her first and that she was with no other guy in the past. Unlike men, women consider the guy that she's currently with as the 'best she ever had', unless of course she's not really that in love with him. I only know this because it's what every girl I've ever dated told me, as well as several female friends.

 

Oh, you're a funny one.

You mean the girls you guilt tripped into feeling ashamed of their sexual past told you they loved you so so much and that you were the best they ever had - wished you were their first?

No chance in hell they were lying lol

 

If a women isn't willing to accept any regret, self-improvement, guilt (even if unjust) or social beef then she's probably not worth the effort. She's probably the type that expects everything to come easy, is overly demanding, claimed to be independent even though she heavily relies on others and has sociopathic tendencies. I'm saying that's you

 

What you think is 'shameful' may not be shameful for me. Not exactly sure how that says anything about my actual mental health...

It all comes down to values. You wouldn't want to date a woman like me and I wouldn't want to date a man like you. Not sure why there needs to be more drama around this. We're at what page 25?

 

Again answers in bold

[serial muse]

Yeah, pretty much so. I'd like to think more & more info would come out as time goes by even if they don't want to talk about it at first. As I said before, it's a womans right to sleep with how many people they want, & of course I'll be called a jerk by many women, but I'd just prefer the woman I was with to not to have ever been promiscuous.

 

That's fine, man, but 1) then you are the one doing the judging so I really don't know what you're worrying about; and 2) that is so not relevant or helpful to the OP. She isn't dating you, so your opinion of a woman's sexual choices isn't relevant any more than the random opinion of a random stranger here who doesn't want to date an inexperienced guy will be relevant to you. You are not dating the OP and you have your own issues with sexuality that her BF does not have, so you are coming from a completely different place.

 

I'm sure at this point the OP has thrown up her hands in despair over this thread, and I can't blame her a bit.

[NJ123]

That's fine, man, but 1) then you are the one doing the judging so I really don't know what you're worrying about; and 2) that is so not relevant or helpful to the OP. She isn't dating you, so your opinion of a woman's sexual choices isn't relevant any more than the random opinion of a random stranger here who doesn't want to date an inexperienced guy will be relevant to you. You are not dating the OP and you have your own issues with sexuality that her BF does not have, so you are coming from a completely different place.

 

I'm sure at this point the OP has thrown up her hands in despair over this thread, and I can't blame her a bit.

 

Well, I was just replying to your post. And yeah, I guess I would be judging, but wouldn't the women who don't want an inexperienced guy be judging me too? Anyways I'm done in this thread since it seems people keep thinking I'm hijacking it.

[William]

Thread starter has been absent and we received a report of a threadjack so I'll close this up pending review by another moderator. 348 posts. Hopefully some have been helpful. Thanks for your participation!