what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

March 9, 2015

I once told a girl my number (including hookers that I could remember) and she looked at me like I had AIDS

As another poster said I just say 7 or 8, even though it might not make sense (girl might know 5-6 of my exs) they still just accept that number. 7-8 is perfect.

Us guys will always care about the girls number, that's just the way it is. It's not really judging nor is it estimating a woman's 'worth' but it's just something we are just hard-wired to be concerned about. When I ask a gf what is her number I already know that the answer could lead to a breakup.

Ignorance is bliss.

March 9, 2015

I wouldn't respond. Not because I am offended by the question... I honestly couldn't care, but it's a question with one objective in mind: To pass judgment.

It's a question born out of insecurity and no matter what number you could say, it's completely subjective. You could say "3" and that number is either too low or too high. Either way, once you answer a question that shouldn't be asked in the first place, perspective completely changes.

If it's perceived as too low, that person might either question the validity of your answer or might wonder what is "wrong with you". If it's perceived as too high, that person will immediately judge you for such a number or might wonder what is "wrong with you".

So, when it comes to that question, there is no right answer, it's just the wrong question to ask.

March 9, 2015

Us guys will always care about the girls number, that's just the way it is. It's not really judging nor is it estimating a woman's 'worth' but it's just something we are just hard-wired to be concerned about.

By all means be hard wired. Know also that women are hard wired to walk from the guy who's concerned.

March 9, 2015

That's not my problem. If they are that insecure then oh well! Their loss.

And just because women "can get sex really easy" doesn't mean we want to. Do you really think women want to sleep with a bunch of hard up, inexperienced men just because they can?

No thanks.

Yes it does show most women can get sex really easy because your number is high.

What it also means is you look good enough to be choosey so you leave the "bunch of hard up inexperienced losers" to date Rose Hand.

What it also means is that you have no compassion for those men that are not successful at dating. Not because you won't have sex with them. Because of the way you describe them. No woman is obligated to have sex with a man if she does not want him.

March 9, 2015

That's not my problem. If they are that insecure then oh well! Their loss.

And just because women "can get sex really easy" doesn't mean we want to. Do you really think women want to sleep with a bunch of hard up, inexperienced men just because they can?

No thanks.

The very definition of insecure is taking 75% off your sexual history.

With respect you may as well just double down and tell em you are a virgin because with the amount of fudging you are doing you are closer to that than you are to the actual figure.

Okay, people may not like to get asked the question in the first place fair enough but I am really surprised at the lack of ownership. People talk all empowered yet when it comes down to it are busy massaging the figures because for some reason they cant stand by them. Own it, its the other persons issue if they dont accept it and they have proved they arent the partner for you.

March 9, 2015

because life is too short to settle for a guy who doesn't know what he's doing and cannot satisfy you. It's beyond frustrating. Sorry, but that had to be said.

Yes, but than don't be surprised when a guy dumps you for too many sex partners. Goes both ways as I said.

March 9, 2015

Those things are not comparable; the depression and medication are current and the sexual past is the past. Personally I don't think the number of sex partners anybody had is anybody else's business at all unless you need to marry a virgin, but I do think that people's attitude about sexuality should kind of match, for example a guy who is very judgey about women & sex would be a bad match with a sex positive open minded girl who may have had an adventurous sex life before being ready to settle down!! She would need a different guy and he would need a different girl.

Wrong. If a guy has no symptoms at all after taking meds than there's no problems. It would be none of their business unless its a severe illness.

March 9, 2015

Wrong. If a guy has no symptoms at all after taking meds than there's no problems. It would be none of their business unless its a severe illness.

To bring this all back to the OP's original question, I think that the above could neatly apply, at least in casual dating. That, by the way, goes for a person's number of sexual partners, for his/her taking of depression or other medications, and for anything else that one is beating oneself up about. Certainly none of the above is anyone's business in a casual dating setting.

But personally, in a serious relationship that's gone beyond a few dates to a deeper level, I would advocate for honesty, because I think it's difficult (at least for me) to be close to someone while hiding something out of shame. Let's recall what the original question was about: The OP has anxiety about revealing her past to her serious boyfriend, and worries about her partner's judgment. Well, IMO, what you want, OP, is a partner who will not try to jab away at that shame button on which you've already got your finger firmly pressed.

I think it's probably worthwhile to reveal yourself honestly - at the right time!! - rather than to hide in fear of judgment. If he does judge, then he isn't the right guy. Folks, all this finger-wagging in the thread is irrelevant to the OP's question. She is not shaming male virgins, and he didn't ask her any rude questions out of his own insecurities or fears that she's settling for him. She's just had a tough time in the past, dealt with it in a way that she isn't fully comfortable with now, and is now afraid of judgment about it.

I say "at the right time" because the right time is probably not: 1) when you're in bed together; 2) if he asks you about your number in a tense way; 3) when you're in the middle of a fight; 4) when you're in the middle of an anxiety episode about your past. The right time is in a calm setting when you two are having a heart-to-heart, and you feel like you want to be closer, and you can say, "I have this fear and I want to share it with you." [Edited to add: I don't think that means, by the way, that you have to give an exact head count, or even a round number.]

OP, I hope you've been in therapy for your depression, and that you can come to your own terms with your past. I don't think you should beat yourself up about having had a certain number of partners, and I definitely don't think that you should project your own judgment of yourself onto your BF. (And please, definitely DON'T project the judgment of strangers on the internet onto him, either!!) If he hasn't given you reason to think he'll be judgmental of you, you could consider giving yourself a break, too. Sounds like you're in a good place. That's all any of us can ask.

... do you just say the truth? because frankly, after having been sexually active for over twelve years, i have had some regrets, especially during my late teenage years where i battled depression and went through quite the promiscuous phase.

i have left that far behind, and spent the past years almost nurturing meaningful relationships. now i have finally found someone i can imagine a future with. but i must say, i am a bit embarrassed about my sexual past. i even made a list of sexual encounters i had, and crossed out the ones that didn't matter, or the ones where i didn't have vivid memories of how 'far' we actually went... i still am left with a list i am not proud of. i talked to my best friend about this who said i should be honest with my partner, given he asks.
i feel like a fool. this had never been an issue to me, but as i truly love this guy and can imagine a future with him beyond marriage and kids, i feel ashamed and wonder if he will think less of me if i tell him the truth. he hasn't really asked yet but what if he will? do i tell the truth?

Edited March 9, 2015 by serial muse

March 9, 2015

I don't think I would want my partner to know that much about my sexual history. Some things are better left unsaid. Mystery included.

March 9, 2015

No way, that's feminist/white-knight bs.

So what if it is?

Just because women aren't concerned with something doesn't mean that men can't and vice versa. My example that I use is that women are concerned about a guy's job and just because us men don't really care what women do for a living doesn't mean that a woman's concern isn't fair. It's the same thing when it comes to sexual history, it's still a fair concern even if it's gender-exclusive.

No one said women had a right to be concerned and men weren't. The basic idea is that men who ask should probably date women who have little to know sexual past/regret it and some women don't date men who feel they have a right to ask/know/judge their sexual past (because some of us do't regret it)

Women that are the "my past is none of your business" or "I am what I am" type just suck (no one is forcing you to date those women)

and impossible to be in an honest and loving relationship with.

Only if you are being a judgemental douchebag about it. If a woman knows you'll judge her negatively based on her past experience, don't be surprised when she is iffy about sharing...

Rather than getting through a little beef over their past they'd rather just accept no responsibility or guilt and have a guy feel limited in the type of questions he can ask as they're really in a clinical relationship.

Not sure where you are getting that the fact we think our sexual past is none of a new partner's business means we regret it. Some people regret their past. Some people say they regret their past to easy their new partners and some people don't regret their past.
I'm not ashamed of my sexual past at all. Though knowing you would be judgmental about it, I would not be inclined to share it with you.

Also fyi I've done the whole sexual history guilt thing on many ex gfs and not once did one walk away.

So much for healthy relationships...

The difference is now I know that I'd prefer to just not know.

My responses in bold.

March 9, 2015

No way, that's feminist/white-knight bs.
Just because women aren't concerned with something doesn't mean that men can't and vice versa. My example that I use is that women are concerned about a guy's job and just because us men don't really care what women do for a living doesn't mean that a woman's concern isn't fair. It's the same thing when it comes to sexual history, it's still a fair concern even if it's gender-exclusive.
Women that are the "my past is none of your business" or "I am what I am" type just suck and impossible to be in an honest and loving relationship with. Rather than getting through a little beef over their past they'd rather just accept no responsibility or guilt and have a guy feel limited in the type of questions he can ask as they're really in a clinical relationship.
Also fyi I've done the whole sexual history guilt thing on many ex gfs and not once did one walk away. The difference is now I know that I'd prefer to just not know.

While Serial Muse above just wrote the definitive advice piece on this subject... I think your comment here also bears noting.

I've never been a big proponent of asking this question. It may seem like a good way to weed out the self centered crappy women... but I think there are much better ones that can be used much earlier.

The basic principle is ruling out women who are stupidly hypocritical. They apply double standards to men constantly, then become angry when faced with similar treatment. This thread is packed with such examples.

March 9, 2015

Sexual past who cares?? As long as they are std free and are not pregnant I could care less.... I'm more interested in the people she dated then the people she slept with.

March 9, 2015

So, when it comes to that question, there is no right answer, it's just the wrong question to ask.

The right answer is "it's nyb!!" Or you could say it real nicely, like, "I'm sorry but I don't feel that my sexual past is pertinent to our relationship." And see how they deal with that!!

March 9, 2015

To bring this all back to the OP's original question, I think that the above could neatly apply, at least in casual dating. That, by the way, goes for a person's number of sexual partners, for his/her taking of depression or other medications, and for anything else that one is beating oneself up about. Certainly none of the above is anyone's business in a casual dating setting.

But personally, in a serious relationship that's gone beyond a few dates to a deeper level, I would advocate for honesty, because I think it's difficult (at least for me) to be close to someone while hiding something out of shame. Let's recall what the original question was about: The OP has anxiety about revealing her past to her serious boyfriend, and worries about her partner's judgment. Well, IMO, what you want, OP, is a partner who will not try to jab away at that shame button on which you've already got your finger firmly pressed.

I think it's probably worthwhile to reveal yourself honestly - at the right time!! - rather than to hide in fear of judgment. If he does judge, then he isn't the right guy. Folks, all this finger-wagging in the thread is irrelevant to the OP's question. She is not shaming male virgins, and he didn't ask her any rude questions out of his own insecurities or fears that she's settling for him. She's just had a tough time in the past, dealt with it in a way that she isn't fully comfortable with now, and is now afraid of judgment about it.

I say "at the right time" because the right time is probably not: 1) when you're in bed together; 2) if he asks you about your number in a tense way; 3) when you're in the middle of a fight; 4) when you're in the middle of an anxiety episode about your past. The right time is in a calm setting when you two are having a heart-to-heart, and you feel like you want to be closer, and you can say, "I have this fear and I want to share it with you." [Edited to add: I don't think that means, by the way, that you have to give an exact head count, or even a round number.]

OP, I hope you've been in therapy for your depression, and that you can come to your own terms with your past. I don't think you should beat yourself up about having had a certain number of partners, and I definitely don't think that you should project your own judgment of yourself onto your BF. (And please, definitely DON'T project the judgment of strangers on the internet onto him, either!!) If he hasn't given you reason to think he'll be judgmental of you, you could consider giving yourself a break, too. Sounds like you're in a good place. That's all any of us can ask.

I think if women can lie or refuse to talk about their sexual past, than it's fair to not have to tell a woman about your medical issues unless it's something that could negatively affect the relationship. I mean what gives her the right to know, if she refuses to talk about something about herself.

March 9, 2015

Wrong. If a guy has no symptoms at all after taking meds than there's no problems. It would be none of their business unless its a severe illness.

Saying "wrong" to me because you disagree is rude.

I don't think you are in a relationship. When you are, things going on with your loved one are indeed your business, things like struggling with depression or other illness are not things to be hidden, they are your business, not while you are just dating though. Personally I don't think a person's number of past sexual partners is any more important to a relationship - or the business of who you are dating - than the number of times you have travelled overseas or how many books you have read, I don't think sex is "bad" I just don't, sorry!! But as I said in my earlier post I DO agree that if it's really important to you to know and to have a chaste girlfriend then that is your business!! and you are not wrong to stick to it.

March 9, 2015

Sexual past who cares?? As long as they are std free and are not pregnant I could care less.... I'm more interested in the people she dated then the people she slept with.

That's part of knowing about someones past though. If you don't know anything about it, how do you know if she wasn't a serial cheater in the past, or had relationships or sex with a bunch of jerks.

March 9, 2015

I think if women can lie or refuse to talk about their sexual past, than it's fair to not have to tell a woman about your medical issues unless it's something that could negatively affect the relationship. I mean what gives her the right to know, if she refuses to talk about something about herself.

Are you ashamed of taking antidepressants?? And you obviously think a woman should be ashamed of having sex with a bunch of guys right? OK but you should know that that is just YOU. Many of us don't think that either one is a bad thing. Srsly if you are in a relationship with a person who has depression or is a diabetic or a celiac or whatever, even if it's controlled by meds you BETTER know about it, it's part of being a loving partner to help support your mate with their health stuff!! Their number of sex partners is not going to need to be managed in the long haul. Sorry but you seem to be totally run by your own insecurity and it is making me feel sad.

Valuing chastity is one thing but being scared of a woman's sexual past or devaluing her because of it is a different thing altogether,

March 9, 2015

Yes, but than don't be surprised when a guy dumps you for too many sex partners. Goes both ways as I said.

that's never been an issue for me.

They've gotten dumped for cheating, so that says more about them than me.

Besides, I'm 55 years old.. I would hope that I'd had some kind of life experience by now... sheesh!

March 9, 2015

that's never been an issue for me.

They've gotten dumped for cheating, so that says more about them than me.

Besides, I'm 55 years old.. I would hope that I'd had some kind of life experience by now... sheesh!

Well, you're older so it likely won't even be brought up by men in your age range at all. But it's obvious to me from your last post that you look down on inexperienced guys. The guys in here saying it isn't an issue is just ridiculous. Just because they haven't experienced it doesn't mean it's not a real issue.

March 9, 2015

Yes he will think less of you. That is guaranteed, men feel its their right to judge women and hold all manner of prejudices against them.

Most likely yes. But I never held it against my now g/f. We even talk about our past experiences. Its a bit of a turn-on for me actually. But I'm sure I'm the exception and not the rule.

March 9, 2015

That's part of knowing about someones past though. If you don't know anything about it, how do you know if she wasn't a serial cheater in the past, or had relationships or sex with a bunch of jerks.

You are better off observing behaviors than asking any questions related to sexual past.

How do you know that person isn't lying to you about it?

March 9, 2015

A woman's attitude towards sex and relationships very much does matter when looking for a GF but it has nothing to do numbers whatsoever. I have a very good sixth sense when it comes to these things.

Also everybody judges and anybody who says they don't is a liar. It's often the ones who claim they are so open minded and not judgmental that look down on everybody that has different opinions than them. Being able to tolerate people who view the world differently than you do is part of being open minded.

March 9, 2015

You are better off observing behaviors than asking any questions related to sexual past.

How do you know that person isn't lying to you about it?

Yeah, last night my friend told me that after their really comfortable with you more & more information comes out. Even if they lie, you should be able to get a sense of if they did or not as time goes on.

March 9, 2015

Yes of course I would tell them the truth, if I chose to tell them anything at all. Whatever your 'number', own it. Don't mumble it with a whole load of apologies and excuses, if you want to tell someone that private information look them straight in the eye and tell them. That's far more attractive than somebody who seems ashamed of their sexuality and their actions.

I usually ask a boyfriend when we're kinda getting towards exclusively dating, just out of curiosity. I know I've said here before I've had a relationship with someone who had one previous partner and a relationship with someone who'd had almost triple figures. It didn't matter a bit to me.

I'm above average according to statistics I see around, but very average amongst my friendships of women my age. I would be more concerned if I found a man had cheated on a partner before, even if it had only been a kiss or if it had only taken his number up to 2. That's more relevant to a relationship than sheer volume of women he's banged his way through as it says something about his values around sexual fidelity. I may have slept with plenty of guys but I've never cheated on any, even just a kiss. I would be glad a guy had taken himself outta the running if he judged me poorly for the number of men I've slept with.

March 9, 2015

Yeah, last night my friend told me that after their really comfortable with you more & more information comes out. Even if they lie, you should be able to get a sense of if they did or not as time goes on.

It's not even that. I can't put it into words but you just get a sixth sense for things. I am very good at reading people and I am usually right.

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what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

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