what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

March 8, 2015

I don't know if you realize this but in this post (and several others) you clearly demonstrate an inability to separte your own personal insecurities with the topic at hand. Where did she - or anyone for that matter - 'diss' anyone for a "lack of sexual history"?

With regards to this discuss, why do they matter? This isn't a conversation about the struggles of older virgin males. Again, your personal issues are rearing their head.

Unless you're somehow trying to say that a man with little to no previous sexual experience feels something within himself is lacking when faced with a woman with a high(er) partner count, I don't understand what "issues" these guys face on this subject. Where is this "s--t talking" that has supposedly gone on?

It's because I'm seeing hypocritical posts in here. As I said it goes both ways in terms of women & men dumping the other for things that neccesarily shouldn't matter. It's a double standard that will always exist in our lifetime. Men are seen as more attractive if they had sex with a lot of women or at least have a lot of options & less attractive if he has a lack of experience, while women are less attractive to a lot of guys if she had a lot of sex.

March 9, 2015

You are one of those few posters that I think it would be fun to go drink a beer with!

If you were into bigger guys with an amazing sense of humor and great career... I would seriously try to get you to date my cousin.

I think my comment flew right over your head.

A man has every right to ask you that question... and you have every right to decline an answer. What kind of a control freak believes it's OK to dictate what kind of questions other people can ask? No, you don't get to tell men what to say!

Also... If I am to believe you that this has no bearing on a relationship, then I must also believe that sex and sexual attitudes play a minimal role in a relationship. Which is why your whole position is silly.

I would describe your overall belief system in this regard as hypocritical and self serving!

No nothing "flew over" my head. Of course a person can ask anything if they like and of course I can choose to answer or not. Semantics.

If I HAVE to know how many, I then base my decision to go or stay on if he had 5 or 200 instead of his personality, character and values. I really don't need that type of stuff on my brain if I'm really interested in the guy and he has most or all of the qualities I like in a man.

Yes it's self serving because I have to choose for myself not others. We can't all agree.

March 9, 2015

No nothing "flew over" my head. Of course a person can ask anything if they like and of course I can choose to answer or not. Semantics.
If I HAVE to know how many, I then base my decision to go or stay on if he had 5 or 200 instead of his personality, character and values. I really don't need that type of stuff on my brain if I'm really interested in the guy and he has most or all of the qualities I like in a man.
Yes it's self serving because I have to choose for myself not others. We can't all agree.

How promiscuous your guy is reflects directly on his "Personality, Character, and Values". What part of that don't you get?

March 9, 2015

I honestly don't know if I should tell a woman how many women I've slept with or not.

I guess it depends on how conservative she is. If a woman has only been with a very small number of men and looks down on casual sex, then I'll tell her I've only been with three women.

If I see that a woman is bit more experienced and she doesn't care if somebody has had casual sex then she'll have a better chance at getting the honest answer

March 9, 2015

I honestly don't know if I should tell a woman how many women I've slept with or not.

I guess it depends on how conservative she is. If a woman has only been with a very small number of men and looks down on casual sex, then I'll tell her I've only been with three women.

If I see that a woman is bit more experienced and she doesn't care if somebody has had casual sex then she'll have a better chance at getting the honest answer

So, depending on HER number(s), you would lie to her regarding what your true numbers are.

.

March 9, 2015

So, depending on HER number(s), you would lie to her regarding what your true numbers are.

Yup.

My ex had only been with one guy before me. There was no way I was going to tell her my true number.

Though now that I remember, I never even told her my number. She figured out that I was being evasive and didn't want to tell her so she dropped it. If she had started to pester me about my number then I would have lied to her.

March 9, 2015

Yup.

My ex had only been with one guy before me. There was no way I was going to tell her my true number.

Though now that I remember, I never even told her my number. She figured out that I was being evasive and didn't want to tell her so she dropped it. If she had started to pester me about my number then I would have lied to her.

Well, IMHO, I would NEVER "pester" a guy in asking him how many women he slept with. First of all, it's none of my business, UNLESS we mutually agreed to be exclusive. Even then, it's not something I routinely ask guys that I intend to become intimate with. It's something that I may ask once I become comfortable with them (and intimate with them) enough that it'd be something I'd be curious about knowing. Even then, he is NOT obligated to answer my question. I'd only want him to answer it HONESTLY and only IF he felt comfy enough with me to share that kind of private info.

If he felt comfy enough with me to ask that question, I wouldn't hesitate to answer it. But I think that's because my number is low enough that I can count on one hand. If my number was way higher, maybe I, too, would feel a bit hesitant to reveal it in fear that I might've been judged by it. In the other person's defense, maybe his (or any other person's) number(s) are wayyy past counting on two hands and they may have the same fear I might've had if my numbers were on the high end.

That being said, I don't think a person should lie about the amount of people they have had sex with. Regardless of their "number(s)", it's nothing they should feel ashamed about - they should own it - just like I own my paltry numbers. Maybe a guy might judge me and feel that I didn't sleep with enough guys and they may feel my sexual experience is "too limited" for their taste....who knows?

Again, I'd only reveal my "number" (even though it's on the low side) to a guy I felt comfy with, close to and on an intimate enough level to where I wouldn't feel he would judge me because I didn't sleep with "enough" guys. And, if he DID judge me because I didn't sleep with a slew of men, then he would see the vapor trail of where I once stood...

.

March 9, 2015

Im a 43 year old virgin and I have no choice but to reveal my number if she asks me. it's depressing.

March 9, 2015

Well, IMHO, I would NEVER "pester" a guy in asking him how many women he slept with. First of all, it's none of my business, UNLESS we mutually agreed to be exclusive. Even then, it's not something I routinely ask guys that I intend to become intimate with. It's something that I may ask once I become comfortable with them (and intimate with them) enough that it'd be something I'd be curious about knowing. Even then, he is NOT obligated to answer my question. I'd only want him to answer it HONESTLY and only IF he felt comfy enough with me to share that kind of private info.

If he felt comfy enough with me to ask that question, I wouldn't hesitate to answer it. But I think that's because my number is low enough that I can count on one hand. If my number was way higher, maybe I, too, would feel a bit hesitant to reveal it in fear that I might've been judged by it. In the other person's defense, maybe his (or any other person's) number(s) are wayyy past counting on two hands and they may have the same fear I might've had if my numbers were on the high end.

That being said, I don't think a person should lie about the amount of people they have had sex with. Regardless of their "number(s)", it's nothing they should feel ashamed about - they should own it - just like I own my paltry numbers. Maybe a guy might judge me and feel that I didn't sleep with enough guys and they may feel my sexual experience is "too limited" for their taste....who knows?

Again, I'd only reveal my "number" (even though it's on the low side) to a guy I felt comfy with, close to and on an intimate enough level to where I wouldn't feel he would judge me because I didn't sleep with "enough" guys. And, if he DID judge me because I didn't sleep with a slew of men, then he would see the vapor trail of where I once stood...

.

Im ashamed that my number is 0 and Im 43.

March 9, 2015

Well, IMHO, I would NEVER "pester" a guy in asking him how many women he slept with. First of all, it's none of my business, UNLESS we mutually agreed to be exclusive. Even then, it's not something I routinely ask guys that I intend to become intimate with. It's something that I may ask once I become comfortable with them (and intimate with them) enough that it'd be something I'd be curious about knowing. Even then, he is NOT obligated to answer my question. I'd only want him to answer it HONESTLY and only IF he felt comfy enough with me to share that kind of private info.

If he felt comfy enough with me to ask that question, I wouldn't hesitate to answer it. But I think that's because my number is low enough that I can count on one hand. If my number was way higher, maybe I, too, would feel a bit hesitant to reveal it in fear that I might've been judged by it. In the other person's defense, maybe his (or any other person's) number(s) are wayyy past counting on two hands and they may have the same fear I might've had if my numbers were on the high end.

That being said, I don't think a person should lie about the amount of people they have had sex with. Regardless of their "number(s)", it's nothing they should feel ashamed about - they should own it - just like I own my paltry numbers. Maybe a guy might judge me and feel that I didn't sleep with enough guys and they may feel my sexual experience is "too limited" for their taste....who knows?

Again, I'd only reveal my "number" (even though it's on the low side) to a guy I felt comfy with, close to and on an intimate enough level to where I wouldn't feel he would judge me because I didn't sleep with "enough" guys. And, if he DID judge me because I didn't sleep with a slew of men, then he would see the vapor trail of where I once stood...

.

What do the women say when you reveal it to them?

usually their jaw drops and don't say much. the air has been taken out of the room.

March 9, 2015

Well, DON'T be ashamed. Don't! You have your own reasons as to why you're holding out for the woman you WANT to be with and that you DESIRE to be with. If a woman doesn't "like" your "low" number, oh well! She can just move along to another guy who has a "higher" number.

Is there a particular reason why you have held out for this long? No need to elaborate here if you don't feel comfy enough to do so. Was just asking out of curiosity. Your reasons are YOUR own.

You don't have to even tell a woman this very personal info. Just take her on a date and do what comes natural and instinctual to you. If (or when) the time comes that you two become intimate, you can reveal it to her then if you want to, or....you can just follow your natural impulses and see what happens. I mean seriously, what IS the worst that can happen?

Just relax, feel confident in yourself that you'll know when YOU'LL want to become intimate with a woman...and when you finally DO....it'll feel natural (if a little nerve-wracking and embarrassing at FIRST) and...whatever happens will happen.

.

its not me holding out. its her that always ends early dates with the no chemistry thing. meet a new one, theres promise and then I get the dreaded rejection.

March 9, 2015

And that very situation has been happening to you for over a DECADE with EVERY woman you have ever dated?

.

a decade? decades. its happened about 50 times. a couple got a little further but both cheated on me.

March 9, 2015

And that very situation has been happening to you for over a DECADE with EVERY woman you have ever dated?

.

The positive responses about male virgins sound really nice but they are not likely in the real world. I was a virgin until I was 24 and I never told anybody because I have seen what happens when other guys have told girls

March 9, 2015

I'm confused. How could they cheat on you, if you weren't exclusive with them? If you were in a relationship with them, I'd assume sex would have highly likely happened unless there's some big reason for it such as waiting for marriage or something.

I think what he means is they were seeing other guys while seeing him. It can seem like being cheated on for an inexperienced guy

March 9, 2015

I think what he means is they were seeing other guys while seeing him. It can seem like being cheated on for an inexperienced guy

Yeah, that's true. It's not cheating, but still a pretty messed up thing to do to someone in my opinion. I'd like to think a lot of guys would move on if they found out they slept with someone else or others while still going on dates with you.

March 9, 2015

I just tell 'em 7 or 8 rather than the real number of 30-35

I do the same! I know I am clean (tested every 6 months because it gives me peace of mind) so I don't think there is anything wrong with telling that little white lie. I happened to love love love sex so my number is a little ... up there.

Edited March 9, 2015 by AprilTears

March 9, 2015

That's exactly it. Men want to feel like their the best the woman has been with. And if they had 40 different sex partners, in all probability that's just not likely. Women can have sex with as many people as they want, that's their right, but a lot of men don't like it. Some due to not feeling like they'll be good enough for the woman, as well as the fact decent looking women can get sex really easily.

That's not my problem. If they are that insecure then oh well! Their loss.

And just because women "can get sex really easy" doesn't mean we want to. Do you really think women want to sleep with a bunch of hard up, inexperienced men just because they can?

No thanks.

March 9, 2015

HE WILL THINK

less OF

YOU

It's your past not his

SO long you didn't hurt someone

you didn't steal, kill, cheat

why should you tell him how many times did you enjoy yourself!

March 9, 2015

I tell them. My number is nothing to be ashamed of.

Then I tell them we won't be a match because I believe men who ask that kind of question decide a woman 'worth' is tied to their sex life and it's one of my biggest red flags.

Womp womp

Best reply ever!

March 9, 2015

If a guy hides that he has mild depression & takes a small dose of an antidepressant that's not okay & is grounds for ending the relationship, but if a woman lies about having sex with 100 different guys than that's perfectly fine. Sure, whatever.

Those things are not comparable; the depression and medication are current and the sexual past is the past. Personally I don't think the number of sex partners anybody had is anybody else's business at all unless you need to marry a virgin, but I do think that people's attitude about sexuality should kind of match, for example a guy who is very judgey about women & sex would be a bad match with a sex positive open minded girl who may have had an adventurous sex life before being ready to settle down!! She would need a different guy and he would need a different girl.

March 9, 2015

That's not my problem. If they are that insecure then oh well! Their loss.

And just because women "can get sex really easy" doesn't mean we want to. Do you really think women want to sleep with a bunch of hard up, inexperienced men just because they can?

No thanks.

As I said, it's your right to sleep with how many people you want, but don't get angry if the guy loses interest since that's his right as well. We all have our own standards. And you just said what I already know, that a lot of women don't want an inexperienced man.

March 9, 2015

I'm confused. How could they cheat on you, if you weren't exclusive with them? If you were in a relationship with them, I'd assume sex would have highly likely happened unless there's some big reason for it such as waiting for marriage or something.

lasted a month or two, wanted to take things slow which was good enough for me except found out about the cheating.

March 9, 2015

Yeah, that's true. It's not cheating, but still a pretty messed up thing to do to someone in my opinion. I'd like to think a lot of guys would move on if they found out they slept with someone else or others while still going on dates with you.

the two said they were exclusive and then found out I was lied to

March 9, 2015

That's not my problem. If they are that insecure then oh well! Their loss.

And just because women "can get sex really easy" doesn't mean we want to. Do you really think women want to sleep with a bunch of hard up, inexperienced men just because they can?

No thanks.

duh, you don't want to tell your number but avoid males who don't have a high enough number. can't have it both ways.

March 9, 2015

But than why is it okay to dump a guy if he has a lack of sexual history, or even if you get the sense of it, than it's a turn off to most women.

because life is too short to settle for a guy who doesn't know what he's doing and cannot satisfy you. It's beyond frustrating. Sorry, but that had to be said.

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what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

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