what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

March 8, 2015

I disagree. I think men & women should both know of each others past to know if they would be compatible. Past behavior can dictate future behavior. What if the guy or woman cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with a bunch of different people. Who's to say he/she won't do that to you? I think a person should know. As I said, I admitted to last woman I chatted with on OLD that I lacked sexual experience, & than never heard from her again That's her right, but to say men don't get judged for their lack of experience is a flat out lie.

This is the root of the discussion. You assume that everyone has an interest in the sexual past, so you bring it up. When you bring it up, it becomes a issue because your presenting it as an issue, not because it is one. The conflict is that you are forcing a non issue to become an issue. Your behavior is dictating that you are incompatible on a emotional and ethical level not a physical and sexual one.

March 8, 2015

You keep saying this but problem =/= offense.

I wouldn't be offended if a woman said to me that she thinks autistic people have no empathy and are mostly asexual - I would think she's stupid, but I wouldn't be offended. I just wouldn't date her. Or if she said "inexperienced guys are all terrible in bed", I wouldn't be offended (mostly because it's not true ).

So you expect me to believe that most inexperienced guys out in the real world aren't viewed negatively by most women? That's quite a thing to state when there's an actual stigma towards it.

March 8, 2015

Ok... I hate to say this, but from the way you talk I would guess you are somewhere 30+. Unless you are chronically single and 50... thats kind of high.

Now for the good news. IF your BF loves you then he will get over this. Maybe it will cause some struggle for him... but that is because he is being forced to reconcile his fantasy of you and the reality of you.

Does that make sense?

thanks for the response.

i am not 30 yet.

i decided to tell him if he asks. but pretty afraid of it... to be honest.

March 8, 2015

I've never asked a woman I'm sleeping with that question because it doesn't matter to me. All that matters to me is that she's currently STD free and on birth control. Plus, if a woman is really fantastic in bed, it takes practice to get good at something. So I just draw my own conclusion.

March 8, 2015

This is the root of the discussion. You assume that everyone has an interest in the sexual past, so you bring it up. When you bring it up, it becomes a issue because your presenting it as an issue, not because it is one. The conflict is that you are forcing a non issue to become an issue. Your behavior is dictating that you are incompatible on a emotional and ethical level not a physical and sexual one.

The only reason I brought it up to her was because she herself asked. I didn't bring it up at all.

March 8, 2015

So someone dealing with mental illness is crazy? Mental defect?
You're fun to talk with...

Fine... whip out your thesaurus and find a different word. The point is still correct.

Emotionally healthy women don't need to sleep around. OP states she struggled with this in the past, but overcame it. She is STILL very insecure about her past. I would suggest to you that if she had a normal amount of self esteem she would not worry about this.

As for all the clearly bitter and frustrated guys on this forum... they are dealing with some stuff that would make you put a bullet in your head. I suggest you be compassionate.

March 8, 2015

So you expect me to believe that most inexperienced guys out in the real world aren't viewed negatively by most women? That's quite a thing to state when there's an actual stigma towards it.

No. I didn't say they aren't viewed negatively - I just said that they aren't necessarily by "most women". A lot of women I have encountered didn't care as much as I thought they did in the end. I remember when the girl I crushed on didn't want to sex me because I was a virgin - and I thought all girls thought that.

Now, I firmly believe that it's not as big a deal. The stigma is noticeable, but not so much that I see it in most women. As I said, I was a virgin, and I'm still inexperienced, and I have not been judged or viewed negatively for it by women. When I was f*cking the woman who took my virginity, I did ask her if it ever bothered her out of curiosity (not a question I would normally ask, but hey) and she said no. She did not care, and she doubts most other girls care. She said something interesting afterwards:

"If she wants to f*ck you, she wants to f*ck you. Being a virgin won't change that much if she really wants to suck your willy. That's why I told you to come see me at 4am when you could have just jacked off. Because I don't care"

March 8, 2015

The only reason I brought it up to her was because she herself asked. I didn't bring it up at all.

So you gambled by telling her the truth and you lost?? So what?? Incompatible, move on to the next. Don't characterize half the earth because of this...

March 8, 2015

thanks for the response.
i am not 30 yet.
i decided to tell him if he asks. but pretty afraid of it... to be honest.

Why be afraid? If he judges you then arent you better off without him anyway? In a sense, you can't actually lose.

To be honest I dont get why everybody assumes that someone would ask for negative reasons- as the poster said previously it provided nothing more than a talking point in their relationship and a way for them to understand the other person better. Its not always done with negative intentions.

March 8, 2015

thanks for the response.
i am not 30 yet.
i decided to tell him if he asks. but pretty afraid of it... to be honest.

Yeah... I don't make it a practice to ask. I'm mid 30's and happily married. My wife is the one who asked... and I was very honest. She kind of struggles with it from time to time... but we just made it into a joke.

I'm not ashamed though. I don't think you should be either! If I have learned one important thing in life it's this.... if you try to hide stuff about yourself it kills intimacy. I'd rather my partner deal with the real me than live in fantasy land. Part of that may come from having been married for almost 10 years and actually living through many of these issues. My xWife was a virgin when we met. That didn't stop her from cheating 10 years later. It also didn't cause her to cheat though.

March 8, 2015

So you gambled by telling her the truth and you lost?? So what?? Incompatible, move on to the next. Don't characterize half the earth because of this...

I get that, but there is a negative stigma that does exist.

March 8, 2015

thanks for the response.
i am not 30 yet.
i decided to tell him if he asks. but pretty afraid of it... to be honest.

Don't be afraid to tell the truth . You'll be OK no matter what happens.

Emotionally healthy women don't need to sleep around. OP states she struggled with this in the past, but overcame it. She is STILL very insecure about her past. I would suggest to you that if she had a normal amount of self esteem she would not worry about this.

Bit more complicated than that. Girl who took my virginity is one of the most promiscuous girls I ever met and she is quite possibly one of the sanest girls I've known. So emotionally healthy may not "need" to sleep around, but promiscuity or wanting sex more than most doesn't mean she's unstable or unhealthy. It can be a product of such, but it is not always the case, and it should be treated on an individual basis.

March 8, 2015

I have a low partner count, especially for my age, race and city of residence and the question still irritates me. Any time I've ever been asked my first thought has always been why the f*k does it matter? Not because I'm offended but because it screams judgement and insecurity. Only a fool would deign to stick around for that.

I don't think it's fair to say someone is a fool for being okay with that.

I don't think it's wrong for you to have your own opinion on it, so why is mine wrong?

Like I said in my last post, whether someone does or doesn't care, asks or doesn't ask, has sex or doesn't have sex, it all is simply a preference.

I am not "wrong" or "a fool" for not caring.

Is the question judgmental? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just curiousity. But if I am close enough with a man that he asks that question, that means I am comfortable enough and trust him to have gotten close in the first place. Therefore, I know that I can answer without being judged. And I never have been judged. It was all simply water under the bridge. Ask, answer, move on.

March 8, 2015

I suppose what I find alarming is that people judge others on whether they care about being asked a question.

Forget the actual answer to the question, you're being judged on how you FEEL when being asked that question.

You don't feel okay with being asked this question? You're wrong!

You feel perfectly okay with being asked this question? You're wrong!

What in the world is that about?

March 8, 2015

You keep saying this but problem =/= offense.

I wouldn't be offended if a woman said to me that she thinks autistic people have no empathy and are mostly asexual - I would think she's stupid, but I wouldn't be offended. I just wouldn't date her. Or if she said "inexperienced guys are all terrible in bed", I wouldn't be offended (mostly because it's not true ).

I hope that most women wouldn't think that sexually inexperienced guys are "terrible in bed" without actually giving the guy a chance to prove them wrong. I was in a relationship with a guy who - although he had sex with a few women in his life - he wasn't that sexually experienced and had never had a serious LTR before he met me.

Suffice it say, that what this guy lacked in sexual experience, he sure made up for it by being very eager to learn, was focused on pleasing me while having fun, he was sensual and affectionate during lovemaking, he was comfortable enough to let his inhibitions go so I could please him and, omg...he was such a passionate and sensual kisser!:love: He was the best lover I've ever had.

So, a sexually inexperienced guy doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be "terrible in bed". Each person is an individual.

.

March 8, 2015

I hope that most women wouldn't think that sexually inexperienced guys are "terrible in bed" without actually giving the guy a chance to prove them wrong. I was in a relationship with a guy who - although he had sex with a few women in his life - he wasn't that sexually experienced and had never had a serious LTR before he met me.

Suffice it say, that what this guy lacked in sexual experience, he sure made up for it by being very eager to learn, was focused on pleasing me while having fun, he was sensual and affectionate during lovemaking, he was comfortable enough to let his inhibitions go so I could please him and, omg...he was such a passionate and sensual kisser!:love: He was the best lover I've ever had.

So, a sexually inexperienced guy doesn't necessarily mean that he'll be "terrible in bed". Each person is an individual.

.

In all honesty, I'm sure a lot of girls are concerned, but mostly in my experience they aren't actually that bothered. As long as you display some kind of self-belief, confidence and (as you wonderfully detailed ) show an eagerness to learn and to please then you'll be fine in my experience. It is certainly more to do with the individual. So when I have been asked before how many women I've slept with, I just tell the truth because I'm not that bothered by it and anyone I choose to date won't be either! If they have a problem, then they can take that problem with them on the way to their next suitor!

I think it's a slightly different thing with sexually experienced women, but generally I think it's an individual thing with them too. I do not ask for a number, nor do I think any particular number is inherently linked to some kind of problem or instability. I guess I'm just not turned off by it at all.

March 8, 2015

Do you feel like you have the right to know how many partners a guy has had? I feel you do have the right to know and for good reason.

No, why would I have that right if he doesn't?

If I can't figure out what kind of person he is by really getting to know his values and character without knowing his past intimate relations then I must not be focusing in on the correct areas.

Perhaps it's my upbringing, my character, age and where I grew up.

March 8, 2015

It's true that nobody has a right to know, but they also have the right to choose what kind of person they date.

Also... cut the "true gentleman" crap! I'm sick of women bitching on and on about slut shaming... and then turning around and then trying to shame men in the exact same way.

If a guy says a "good woman" doesn't ______... and you say a "good man" doesn't ______. What's the difference?

Well that is MY opinion. And who did I call a slut? Geez. A man has no right to ask me about it and I have no right to ask him and I never would.

Haha, I said they have the right to hear the truth. Not be lied to or told "I'm choosing not to tell you that" i also said nothing about the number indicating who a person is.

It's just the way i view my relationships, no secrets and we talk to each other about anything. Maybe it is us "younger people" but I think a lot of young people on its thread disagree. /QUOTE]

I really don't think someone not wanting to discuss their intimate past is a huge indication of his/her character (for me) unless the person was taking money for it which is a whole other ball of wax. There are SO many other things that really would make a difference in who a person is.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Echo74

March 8, 2015

I don't think it's fair to say someone is a fool for being okay with that.

I don't think it's wrong for you to have your own opinion on it, so why is mine wrong?

Like I said in my last post, whether someone does or doesn't care, asks or doesn't ask, has sex or doesn't have sex, it all is simply a preference.

I am not "wrong" or "a fool" for not caring.

I’m not sure how you managed to miss it, but as you’ll see in the first portion of my post I was replying to NJ123 in regards to women who said they would dump a guy for asking about their partner count. It seemed he felt the women would do so out of feeling defensive/guilty whereas I felt they would do so because they felt they were facing judgement.

When I said “only a fool would stick around for that” I was – I thought quite clearly – talking about someone staying with a partner who they felt was judgmental and/or insecure. Nowhere in my reply did I say "people who don't care about being asked are fools" or even intimate as much. So how, out of that, you somehow gathered I meant you - or those like you I guess? - were a fool for not caring is beyond me. Frankly I don’t even see what that has to do with anything I said.

Is the question judgmental? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just curiousity. But if I am close enough with a man that he asks that question, that means I am comfortable enough and trust him to have gotten close in the first place. Therefore, I know that I can answer without being judged. And I never have been judged. It was all simply water under the bridge. Ask, answer, move on.

That's how you personally feel about it and that's perfectly fine. But, again, I'm really struggling to see how your personal thoughts/feelings on this particular issue have anything to do with what I said in any way.

March 8, 2015

The question itself is not a judgement. He may or may not judge, he may ask out of curiosity. Maybe he won't care, maybe he has a high number too, maybe he will be shocked or upset. It's something only your boyfriend can answer. We all have different ideas on how many is too many. Personally I don't mind how many my partners have slept with and I don't expect them to care either. If I have a high number and he is outraged and calls me a sl... then he is probably a backward anti-feminist who I want nothing to do with. I really can't predict what your boyfriend's reaction would be. But if you're in love and happy together, I don't think you should be afraid. A fool would throw away a great relationship because of something like that. To me it's such a trivial thing but to others is the end of the world.

March 8, 2015

I’m not sure how you managed to miss it, but as you’ll see in the first portion of my post I was replying to NJ123 in regards to women who said they would dump a guy for asking about their partner count. It seemed he felt the women would do so out of feeling defensive/guilty whereas I felt they would do so because they felt they were facing judgement.

When I said “only a fool would stick around for that” I was – I thought quite clearly – talking about someone staying with a partner who they felt was judgmental and/or insecure. Nowhere in my reply did I say "people who don't care about being asked are fools" or even intimate as much. So how, out of that, you somehow gathered I meant you - or those like you I guess? - were a fool for not caring is beyond me. Frankly I don’t even see what that has to do with anything I said.

That's how you personally feel about it and that's perfectly fine. But, again, I'm really struggling to see how your personal thoughts/feelings on this particular issue have anything to do with what I said in any way.

I must have misinterpreted what you said, my apologies.

March 8, 2015

I suppose what I find alarming is that people judge others on whether they care about being asked a question.
Forget the actual answer to the question, you're being judged on how you FEEL when being asked that question.
You don't feel okay with being asked this question? You're wrong!
You feel perfectly okay with being asked this question? You're wrong!
What in the world is that about?

You are one of those few posters that I think it would be fun to go drink a beer with!

If you were into bigger guys with an amazing sense of humor and great career... I would seriously try to get you to date my cousin.

Well that is MY opinion. And who did I call a slut? Geez. A man has no right to ask me about it and I have no right to ask him and I never would.
I really don't think someone not wanting to discuss their intimate past is a huge indication of his/her character (for me) unless the person was taking money for it which is a whole other ball of wax. There are SO many other things that really would make a difference in who a person is.

I think my comment flew right over your head.

A man has every right to ask you that question... and you have every right to decline an answer. What kind of a control freak believes it's OK to dictate what kind of questions other people can ask? No, you don't get to tell men what to say!

Also... If I am to believe you that this has no bearing on a relationship, then I must also believe that sex and sexual attitudes play a minimal role in a relationship. Which is why your whole position is silly.

I would describe your overall belief system in this regard as hypocritical and self serving!

March 8, 2015

No, it's not remotely like your age.

The number of sexual partners, contrary to popular opinion, does not shift something intrinsically within the fibre of a person.

It's not about being "touchy" about it. It's about boundaries. It's about privacy. It's about understanding that a person's value is not tied into how many people they have or have not slept with.

There's this odd divide between men and women on these kinds of discussions. A number of presumably male posters have posted remarks along the lines of, "I bet these women would judge a thirty-odd year old male virgin," as if it that assumption justifies their judgement of a woman's sexual history.

It's almost like some people think women and men are cars. However, when women are taken for a "ride," we lose value. When men are taken for a ride, they gain value. Sorry, that's not how real life works. My value remains the same if I've slept with one person or 100.

Generally speaking, I have found the guys that ask this question are often insecure, paranoid and do buy into some silly notions with regards to women's sexuality. Personally, I haven't got the time or the patience for that noise.

Here we go again because it affects you that's why it matters yet you just flat out diss the guys that have lack of sexual history & are being turned down by women for that. Why don't their problems matter? This is exactly what I mean in the posts I made. Men have the right to turn you down for sexual past regardless if you think it's right or wrong. It's really annoying how women just talk **** about men when they have real problems they face as well yet as said they just get called insecure & other names due to the issues they face.

March 8, 2015

Here we go again because it affects you that's why it matters yet you just flat out diss the guys that have lack of sexual history & are being turned down by women for that.

I don't know if you realize this but in this post (and several others) you clearly demonstrate an inability to separte your own personal insecurities with the topic at hand. Where did she - or anyone for that matter - 'diss' anyone for a "lack of sexual history"?

Why don't their problems matter?

With regards to this discuss, why do they matter? This isn't a conversation about the struggles of older virgin males. Again, your personal issues are rearing their head.

This is exactly what I mean in the posts I made. Men have the right to turn you down for sexual past regardless if you think it's right or wrong. It's really annoying how women just talk **** about men when they have real problems they face as well yet as said they just get called insecure & other names due to the issues they face.

Unless you're somehow trying to say that a man with little to no previous sexual experience feels something within himself is lacking when faced with a woman with a high(er) partner count, I don't understand what "issues" these guys face on this subject. Where is this "s--t talking" that has supposedly gone on?

March 8, 2015

When did I flat out diss guys with a lack of sexual history?

You sound like you face more issues than most guys, reading comprehension being just one. Also, you're being a huge hypocrite if you think men have the right to dump women based on their sexual history but women don't have the right to dump men based on their lack of one.

Typically, men who ask these kinds of questions (and make posts like yours...) are insecure. Sorry, I wasn't aware stating a reality wasn't allowed.

I never said women don't have the right to dump a guy with lack of sexual history, but because a lot do, women shouldn't be complaining that their being judged for being promiscuous in the past. It goes both ways. Men & women can dump someone for anything they want, doesn't matter if you view it as right or wrong. But don't think only guys dump women over things you think shouldn't matter, since women do it to men as well.

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what if the person you're dating asks you how many sexual partners you had?

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