Troy12 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I want to be as thorough as possible so anyone reading can know everything and better assess the situation. I started dating my girlfriend 2 and a half years ago. She fell in love with me instantly; but I had my own hang ups about her previously being with a close friend and also getting into something serious at that stage in my life. We ended up breaking up about 6 months after we started. She was contemplating a big move and decided to proceed with it since we split up. We got back together for about two months before her move and ended things on a very good note. About 5 months after she moved I started talking to her again, which was at first met with resistance by her, but I eventually visited her, ending in us getting back together and her moving back to be with me. Things were great for the most part but around this New Year I started having doubts about how we could last. For the entirety of our relationship I went to college an hour and a half drive away and would drive back and spend my weekends with her. She was working and taking time away from school, and while the amount of time we spent together wasn’t ideal, it was manageable. She decided to start going to school again and continue working as well, which left us with one night to actually spend together every week. I am also graduating this semester so I felt as though I had a lot of uncertainty with where I’ll be living after that. I began detaching myself and she noticed so we eventually broke up once school started. I was upset about it and started telling her we could make it work; so we tried for a couple of weeks, but it just ended with me becoming frustrated and ending things again. A few days passed and we started talking again and I sort of poured myself out to her with all the doubts I had but how much I loved her and didn’t want it to end. I told her how shortsighted what I did was and how much I regretted it. She got upset and told me how unfair I was being and that she feels numbed and can’t be in a relationship right now, but after talking for a while and seeing each other I got her to agree to giving us another chance when I get closer to moving back for good, but she wants us both to casually see other people in the mean time. So sometime in the next 2 months she’s promised to give us another chance when she feels ready, but she doesn’t like absolutes and told me it doesn’t guarantee anything and it doesn’t mean she’ll want me back then. I really don’t want to see other people but she told me she’s been on a date so I decided to as well. I told her I feel like long distance has always put extra strain on us and when I move back it would make things different/better and she agreed to a certain extent. We weren’t perfect, I am logical, she is emotional. I didn’t do a lot of small things for her towards the end, and I wouldn’t push the relationship forward because it made me feel like it was developing further than I was ready for. She would frequently tell me she loved me but I only said it once or twice, I told her more or less that I hadn’t experienced enough to know what love is so I didn’t feel comfortable saying it; instead I’d say she was all I wanted and all I cared for. During our fighting I told her I did love her after experiencing what is like to be without her but she wouldn’t accept that and still doesn’t, she thought it had become only about satisfying physical desires. But even though we had flaws we always found a way to make things work and I want to believe that we can again. I’m just not having the best time in dealing with all of this right now and all I can think about is getting her back and the mistakes I have made to come to this point. I was wondering what any of you thought about the chances of us starting a relationship again when I get closer to moving back are, how to better deal with this time apart and seeing other people, and how I should be interacting with her during this time.
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Sounds like you were kind of a withholding jerk. In general, men tend to be more logical and women tend to be more emotional. Nothing earth-shattering there. You think it's inconvenient juggling school and relationships? Fast-forward ten years from now when you're both involved with pursuing meaningful careers and maybe raising a few incredible kids..... juggling is LIFE. People who are worth your time, don't waste your time withholding "I love you"s and complaining about schedules. I don't think you were a very good boyfriend. It sounds like she's realized she deserves better. I'd give her space to miss you... and just hope that she does! Here's a guide that will help you heal: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com 1
Author Troy12 Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 It wasn't always like that, I meant more towards the end. When she moved back for me things were different. We have been in a long distance relationship basically the whole time we've been together, a lot of our fights were from how we spend the one or two nights we have together a week. I don't think it's completely fair to say wait til you get older because long term we would be living in the same place which would change things considerably.
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Yeah, you're in college -- you had a long distance relationship. So what? If you have the love and maturity to see things with some perspective, you're able to look to the future and realize that in just a few years -- in fact, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE -- you won't be in college anymore. You were dissatisfied, you withheld emotionally and she got fed up. I don't blame her.
hunk Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 In your exact position man. Except mine's a bit worse, I acted this way through most of my relationship, withheld emotionally because I wasn't sure if the relationship was what I wanted but still enjoyed being with her, while she wanted more from me and eventually grew tired of it and she called it off (told me she felt "numb" aswell). Where you ended the relationship when you felt like this, I just let it go on with no change, which is even worse than ending it in my opinion. I think as long as she knows 100% how you feel (that you understand where you screwed up, you are genuinely remorseful) there's not really anything to be ruminating over. There's a fine line between admitting you screwed up and stating your intentions for wanting to fix things, and desperately begging/pleading (not suggesting that's what you've done - but in case you are pushed to that, DON'T). Just let things go for now. No more contact. Treat this relationship as finished and if you are going to have anything in the future with her it needs to start fresh. Try and have fun and give yourself as much space as you need to try and see things in a clearer way. (Is this what you want at this point in your life? Maybe this isn't the right time? Maybe you want to focus on your work for a while now?) This seems like an impossible prospect right now but you really need to just put this into perspective and see it for what it is - anything you do now (trying to logically reason with her, talk to her more etc) is going to turn her off and push her away. She needs to want you on an emotional and physical level and this is only gonna happen with your absence. I would drop off the face of the planet indefinitely. It's what I've done and it's putting things in great perspective for me. While I've realized I most definitely screwed the relationship, I've also realized there's absolutely nothing I could've done after the break up or right now for her to want to be with me again, and I don't plan on ever contacting her ever again unless it's after her reaching out to me (which I don't really see her doing after how I treated her). I think this should be mindset you adopt, just so you are ready for either outcome - 1. She contacts you asking to try again 2. She contacts you telling you she doesn't feel the same. To be honest I think you are in for outcome 2 (she sounds exhausted from your indecisiveness and inability to give her the relationship she wants/deserves) and you should be in damage control from here on out. (=NC) You should also ask yourself whether or not you truly did love this girl. You say you didn't want to push this relationship further, nor reciprocate the love she was giving you. If she was the one for you these things would come naturally, you wouldn't be holding back on them. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine, it really does. The travelling, the "not sure how I feel about this" feelings of frustration when you only see each other once a week etc. The kind of nonchalant indifference to the relationship all the while she's chasing you, when you are on the brink of ending it constantly but for whatever reason you can't. When you feel like this it's almost inevitable the relationship is going to end. I remember googling things like "not sure if i love my girlfriend", or "making yourself love someone". It's twisted how we can think/behave one way in a relationship and then when it's taken away from us we just completely freak out and act in the exact opposite. Do you now man. Spend some quality time with yourself. Use this time constructively. Life is too short for this ****, and if it's meant to work out she'll come back to you.
Author Troy12 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 Thanks, I appreciate the response. I think it's hard for me to let go and completely move on when she told me she just wants some time and wait til she's more ready to try and make it work again. I do sort of believe she wants to work on herself because her self image had gotten pretty low. She didn't believe me when I told her I loved her and sort of said the longer I go on feeling this way the more she'll believe it. She also has a history of being guarded and saying one thing, not because she means it, but to see the response I gave her. Maybe she's testing my feelings for her? She's told me that she will give us another chance in about a month from now and that she meant it. Doesn't that have any significance?
Jonp219 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Thanks, I appreciate the response. I think it's hard for me to let go and completely move on when she told me she just wants some time and wait til she's more ready to try and make it work again. I do sort of believe she wants to work on herself because her self image had gotten pretty low. She didn't believe me when I told her I loved her and sort of said the longer I go on feeling this way the more she'll believe it. She also has a history of being guarded and saying one thing, not because she means it, but to see the response I gave her. Maybe she's testing my feelings for her? She's told me that she will give us another chance in about a month from now and that she meant it. Doesn't that have any significance? I'm not really sure what's going through her head but take it as a grain of salt. And if you're right about her confidence being really low then I think it's going to take her more than a month to get herself together. In the meantime just do NC and focus on making YOU better. If she really loves you she'll come around.
Author Troy12 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 I know I can't count on anything. But she's allowing herself to give me another chance and thinks things can be different when I'm back for good. Maybe she wants to see if I have improved myself and am ready to have something serious? Isn't that an indicator that my hope isn't baseless?
Jonp219 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I know I can't count on anything. But she's allowing herself to give me another chance and thinks things can be different when I'm back for good. Maybe she wants to see if I have improved myself and am ready to have something serious? Isn't that an indicator that my hope isn't baseless? Bro my ex told me the same thing and you know what? Idk what's going to happen, we can't predict the future. We can only fix the issues WE have NOW that caused our relationships to fail in the first place. I have anger and insecurity problems, those issues are a pledge in relationships, that's why I'm in therapy now. You have to look inside yourself and ask, "Why did I withhold love her?", "Do I really love her or am I just attached?", "And if I do love someone, how can I feel more comfortable expressing those feelings?" This is a time for self reflection and self-improvement try to use it wisely.
quattrob Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I know I can't count on anything. But she's allowing herself to give me another chance and thinks things can be different when I'm back for good. Maybe she wants to see if I have improved myself and am ready to have something serious? Isn't that an indicator that my hope isn't baseless? I think what she meant was there might be a chance later to work things out but she also states alot of other possibilities. She's going to be dating other guys and she doesn't guarantee that she'll be around or wants to be with you later down the road. The way i see is you're just picking 1 thing you like from what she said and you're holding on to that and ignoring the other things she said. The fact that she is dating around is because she feels like there are better guys out there for her and she even told you to go dating yourself. She doesn't see you 2 working out. I wouldn't get my hopes up about her giving you another chance at it. It's totally dumb and unfair for you. Waiting for someone while he/she is out sleeping and enjoying other guys/girls is really stupid. And to be honest you guys broke up 2-3 times prior to this, that's a red flag in itself.. it doesn't matter how you ended each time. Breaking up that many times and that easily only shows you didn't want to work at keeping the relationship. It showed that you both gave up on the relationship more than once. Don't ever waiting for someone that isn't sure about you, in this case she's sure about looking for someone better suited for her than you. It is foolish.
hunk Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Yeah ... what quattro said. What she's doing makes zero sense. If she felt the same for you as she did in the beginning of the relationship this break wouldn't be happening. Basically things have changed, the dynamic of the r has changed through your frequent breakups etc and she most likely doesn't feel the same about things. In the immediate future I think it's over and space is just going to reinforce this idea for her - the more distance between you two the more comfortable she'll become with the idea of being single etc. I realized in my original response I neglected the part about her wanting to date other people. This is huge. Tell her it's done. Don't sit around waiting for her to come back to you when she feels like it. This relationship is over, leave on a positive note (tell her you agree you both need space, you should take some time for yourselves) and do not fight against her decision. This is the only thing I can see you doing that would give you a decent chance at reconciling further down the road.
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