strifeofcupcake Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Bare with me, because this is long winded. My boyfriend and I went on a "break" about a month ago, but we still continued to spend time together and he bought me a Valentin'e Day gift (nothing overly special, on the day of I felt some distance as well). After this break, he wrote me a letter saying that he still loved me, I was still his best friend, thanked me for the space and said that he missed me while I was gone. We were together for 4 years. (well, 4 years this March 10th). Monday he finally said that he wanted to be single. This was the last we spoke, it is now Saturday. I'm obviously very heartbroken, I put everything I had into this relationship, and we have grown a lot as people since the beginning. At first I could really tell he didn't want commitment, we broke up after a year and a half (during this break he was trying to see other women, I asked why, he said: "I just needed to know" whatever the hell that means, he didn't elaborate). After this he really did grow into a loving, caring and nurturing boyfriend, he was supportive and we really were each others best friends. We can laugh and enjoy each others company. In the past though he did cheat on me (once) and asked for forgiveness and for me to stay. Throughout the relationship he also flirted with a lot of other women. Which confuses me...after I found out he cheated (about 6 months ago) he said he stopped flirting, and wouldn't cheat again He proposed to me once...but he was emotional and had no ring, I told him to ask me again when he feels more stable. He didn't ask me again. He has been hot and cold the entire relationship... He broke down to his cousin once and told her that he was so in love with me, but was terrified of marriage and kids, and that he didn't trust himself. Honestly, every time it feels like things start to go really well between us, we talk of the future, or he seems to fall more in love with me he backs off, and gets distant. I don't know how to feel about this, I can tell he isn't as attracted to me as he is other women, but he did tell me how beautiful I am, and that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had, that my "love is so good"..the sex we have was great, at least 2 times a week - which ain't bad. He just seems so caring and nurturing towards me. I am very forgiving, kind and nurturing as well. I am confused. Is it commitment issues? Is he not "in-love" with me, is it companionship we felt? I am not sure what to do if he comes back...if he does. Any advice?
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Oh sweetie -- I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There's nothing worse than a *break*.... basically it's just keeping your hopes up while your ex has you there as comfort while he gradually adjusts to the breakup. It's the worst. It's cowardly and selfish and cruel -- just IMO anyway. Whether he's a commitmentphobe, whether he's just not that into you, whether there's someone else.... it doesn't matter. Right now, all that matters is that you cut off contact and focus on YOU -- on healing and on feeling better. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com When you've gotten some distance, you'll recognize the red flags and warning signs that have been there all along.... you deserve so much better! And that's what you'll have, once you've recovered -- someone much much better for you. 2
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Bare with me, because this is long winded. My boyfriend and I went on a "break" about a month ago, but we still continued to spend time together and he bought me a Valentin'e Day gift (nothing overly special, on the day of I felt some distance as well). After this break, he wrote me a letter saying that he still loved me, I was still his best friend, thanked me for the space and said that he missed me while I was gone. We were together for 4 years. (well, 4 years this March 10th). Monday he finally said that he wanted to be single. This was the last we spoke, it is now Saturday. I'm obviously very heartbroken, I put everything I had into this relationship, and we have grown a lot as people since the beginning. At first I could really tell he didn't want commitment, we broke up after a year and a half (during this break he was trying to see other women, I asked why, he said: "I just needed to know" whatever the hell that means, he didn't elaborate). After this he really did grow into a loving, caring and nurturing boyfriend, he was supportive and we really were each others best friends. We can laugh and enjoy each others company. In the past though he did cheat on me (once) and asked for forgiveness and for me to stay. Throughout the relationship he also flirted with a lot of other women. Which confuses me...after I found out he cheated (about 6 months ago) he said he stopped flirting, and wouldn't cheat again He proposed to me once...but he was emotional and had no ring, I told him to ask me again when he feels more stable. He didn't ask me again. He has been hot and cold the entire relationship... He broke down to his cousin once and told her that he was so in love with me, but was terrified of marriage and kids, and that he didn't trust himself. Honestly, every time it feels like things start to go really well between us, we talk of the future, or he seems to fall more in love with me he backs off, and gets distant. I don't know how to feel about this, I can tell he isn't as attracted to me as he is other women, but he did tell me how beautiful I am, and that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had, that my "love is so good"..the sex we have was great, at least 2 times a week - which ain't bad. He just seems so caring and nurturing towards me. I am very forgiving, kind and nurturing as well. I am confused. Is it commitment issues? Is he not "in-love" with me, is it companionship we felt? I am not sure what to do if he comes back...if he does. Any advice? I may be wrong but he doesn't seem to be that into you, I am sorry. He likes the comfort of the relationship but doesn't want it at the same time. He said he wants to be single, his actions say that too. He doesn't trust himself to be true, and I think he is right, and you shouldn't trust him either. I think he wants to sow some wild oats, but he is not sure, so he is blowing hot and cold, and testing the water with other women on "breaks". He is actually treating you like a doormat. How old is he? 1
Author strifeofcupcake Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Thank you for replying, it's okay, I would rather hear the truth. I can be a doormat because I am very kind hearted. He is 27 years old, a year old than me. He has always had relationship issues it seems. Cheating, short relationships, etc. He had a failed relationship with the mother of his daughter. (really broken hearted from this) he has a 7 year old daughter that he is trying to get into his life, it's been a struggle with the mother. I don't know if this has an effect. I notice he did change throughout the relationship, but maybe not enough.
Author strifeofcupcake Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Also, thank you again for the support. I have been going to the gym again, I started eating better, plus I am focusing a lot more attention on getting my own business up and going. 1
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Doormat does NOT equal kind-hearted. Doormat equals co-dependency. There's a difference, and a big payoff in it for you. Google it and check it out! Best of luck to you, keep moving forward. 1
BlackHat Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I am both a guy and a cheater, so I think I can provide you pretty good advice. The most important thing that you need to understand is that there is no such thing as commitment-phobia. That is a made-up term, created by women not willing to deal with the fact that they were not women we would commit to. Take a look around and see how many nice, young, smart, THIN, good-looking girls have ever met guys who are "commitment-phobic". Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your boyfriend would have no problems to get on his knees and propose...to another woman. And while women has successfully forced their ways into marriage, in your particular case he has managed to keep is head cold. How do I know? Because I am very intimate knowledgeable about the "hot&cold" behavior you described. In reality is mostly pity mixed with the feeling that, even though we are definitely not with the woman we want to be, it's better to have someone to warm the bed we look for our real love. Understand this, by the way: It is NOT my intention to put you down but to bring much needed reality. If he ever wanted to marry you he would do so already. I am sure you are a wonderful girl, but not for this guy. He might come back whenever he is alone and horny, or need a mum to care for him. Whether or not you want to be his disposable girlfriend is entirely up to you. In other words: MOVE ON SISTER. PS: By the way, I am pretty sure he has cheated on you more times that he told you. We cheaters usually confess only when we are caught, and only for what we have been caught doing. No way I would ever confess 10 girls if I am only caught with one. 3
Author strifeofcupcake Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Oh...well, thank you for the reply. I refuse to be his go to girl anymore though. I am trying to move on.
idoltree Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 You're never going to know what he's thinking. It's best for you to assume that it was something specific to you, and that he wasn't fulfilled in a relationship with you. That's what is going to get you to move on, so that's what you've got to start thinking. Do not get that confused with you being flawed. It's not the same thing at all. Just that this particular person did not think you were the person for him. My boyfriend and I went on a "break" about a month ago, but we still continued to spend time together and he bought me a Valentin'e Day gift (nothing overly special, on the day of I felt some distance as well). After this break, he wrote me a letter saying that he still loved me, I was still his best friend, thanked me for the space and said that he missed me while I was gone.This won't be of much help now, but in the future if you ever have a break in a relationship, do not hang around and act the same and think that this will allow the person to see your value. A break is a test-drive of a breakup. You cushioned him; you inadvertently helped support him in finding the courage to end things with you. (This is not to say that things would be different if you'd acted differently.) From now on, if someone gives you mixed signals or wants to downgrade your relationships, you gather your self-respect and say "fine" and drop them like a hot potato. Someone wants to experience life without you? Give them the gift of allowing them that perspective. He has always had relationship issues it seems. Cheating, short relationships, etc.So a logical self-respecting woman says to herself "Hmm, it is him that is the common denominator in all of these relationships, and therefore it's not likely that things would be different with me." If you want stability, choose someone stable. It's as simple as that. He had a failed relationship with the mother of his daughter. (really broken hearted from this) he has a 7 year old daughter that he is trying to get into his life, it's been a struggle with the mother. I don't know if this has an effect.I feel disturbed that you so casually mentioned that he was broken-hearted over that relationship. It seems as if you were hoping that by choosing a fixer-upper that he'd be forever grateful to you for being so wonderful, correct? This points to a fundamental lack of self-worth on your part. No more fixer-uppers with histories of dramatic relationships. Doing the same thing will get you the same result. You deserve better than that, and you need to work on yourself such that you are the first person to realize that. I'm not even going to touch the cheating. You've heard enough about that. But, again, you deserve way better than that, and it hurts my heart that you don't see that. The secret about getting the relationship that you deserve is truly believing that you deserve it and not being willing to sacrifice your happiness and stability for someone else. It's as simple as that. 1
Author strifeofcupcake Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Thank you. I am starting to see it all more clearly. It hurts, but I will move on. And I am starting to recognize my own self-worth. 1
writergal Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I agree with BlackHat's post entirely. In fact, an entire industry has been built on the statement 'he's just not that into you,' to explain rejection to women in terms our [perceived] fragile egos can understand. "What? He doesn't want to be with me? What am I doing wrong?" Where did the self-hatred start ladies? Why do you blame yourself when a man rejects you? He just rejects you because you didn't meet his criteria, fit his agenda, or be the woman he wants to be with. There is nothing wrong with you. Do not change yourself to be with a man. When you change yourself to be with a man, he's the wrong man for you and you know it. So, don't do it anymore. I'm not defending men who reject women, or how men reject women. I have complained on here in my own threads when I've been rejected, and blamed myself, "why did he reject me? What I should be asking is, "Was he even what I wanted?" OP, the following criteria that your boyfriend has presented to you in the past 4 years of your relationship based on your first post in your thread: -hot and cold with his feelings for you the ENTIRE relationship -he's cheated on you with other women -he fake proposed to you (he didn't even give you an engagement ring) -he breaks up with you, then comes crawling back after time spent apart -he puts his needs before yours; he's only your "best friend" and "confidante" when it suits him. Otherwise, he pushes you away and pulls you back which is a form of emotional abuse (fyi), because it gives him an ego boost. What you need to ask yourself is, "Based on that criteria, WHY did I want him? Was he even what I wanted? Why did I stay with him?" Once you can honestly answer the WHY questions about this on-off relationship, you will hopefully become clear as to what your own dating patterns and traps are. Why do you put up with certain behavior in a man, even though you know it's not what you deserve or want (the cheating, the hot and cold push-pull games emotional manipulation games he plays with you). 1
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I can be a doormat because I am very kind hearted. You may be a people pleaser. Watch -
Author strifeofcupcake Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Thank you everyone for the replies.
BlackHat Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I agree with BlackHat's post entirely. In fact, an entire industry has been built on the statement 'he's just not that into you,' to explain rejection to women in terms our [perceived] fragile egos can understand. "What? He doesn't want to be with me? What am I doing wrong?" Well...thanks! I find it really refreshing to hear a woman doing such accurate emotional self-inventory. I just didn't want to quote the whole thing, but great advice the one you gave as well. Cheers! 1
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