IM Friend Becoming More Than a Friend?

[purple21]

Hey LS peeps - just looking for some feedback on my current situation - I posted about it a few weeks ago but it was wayyyyy to long - I'll try to make this short.

 

Met a guy on an online dating site in Jan (joined for a month because ex did and I also saw a guy I wanted to email I met at a bar) Anywho - he was the only other guy I emailed. Well he emailed back and was quite nice and while I was being all psycho about a booty call guy he emailed more and more. Eventually to Im'ing.

 

I 90% let him do all the initiating and soon I was getting emails all day at work and we would im each other for hours everynight. It was getting super flirty after awhile and then we finally talked about meeting but never made any plans. Then one Sat morning I get an email that he was free Sunday or Monday night to hang out. I thought he meant online so Sunday night while im'ing I told him I bought a fresh 12 pack and he should come over and watch the Oscars with me - he says sure i'll be there in 30 - eeks. So that was about little over a month ago. We had a great time - he brought me a bottle of my fav kind of wine and hung out for 5 hours. Yes there was a little messing around towards the end of the night (no sex) - we commented that we talked for a millions hours so it was ok. Before he leaves he asks me for a pen and writes down his phone number. He also sent me an email when he got home telling me to have a good night - so cute.

 

Well - the next week I still get emails but not as many - he still im'd me at night but not very flirty - so when we were talking thurs of that week i mentioned hanging out on the weekend - and he comes out with - my life is shxtty right now, i work 12 hours a day, and all my free time i usually have my kid (which i knew about before hand) and that he was just dating someone for a couple months and she fell in love with him and he had to end it. I was nice about it and understood that he was busy and stressed right now. A couple days later I asked him why he was acting diff towards me now and he said he wasn't trying to act any certain way.

 

Of course I was a little hurt and disapointed we had so much fun hanging out - and was a tiny blow to the self esteem - but he did we know what each other looked like beforehand - lol - it ends up we work at the same place - it's a pretty big place and he is in another dept

 

Anywho - he stills emails me quite often and he usually im's me everynight - once in awhile i'll hint at doing something together and it's either deflected or i'll get we'll see. Once in while we get a little flirty and there was talks about swapping nasty pictures - lol - yeah right. I tried calling once but he had his phone off and im'd me instead - lol.

 

Well before this turns into another purple21 novel - i'll stop - i guess he just wants to be friends but i'm still a little confused - hmmm - any feedback or advice? Thanks

[laRubiaBonita]

well, he does not seem very interested or else he would be at your house like every night or calling you to hang out.

 

why not just ask him on IM what his deal is? that is the beauty of IM, it is sooo much easier to type things than to say them on the phoine or in person.

 

and it is not like you have anything to lose by asking.

[Pocky]

You should probably back off with the invitations to spending time together while he appears to be interested in you as a friend and you appear to be still striving for something more. It appears as though he is fond of you and enjoys talking to you, but in my opinion, he only sees you as a friend.

 

Decide if a friendship is worth your time and if so then consider him a friend. Otherwise, stop responding to his IMs.

[purple21]

Thanks - yeah - that's what I figure - sometimes I just get confused about it because I hear from him so much - but it's not really in person so it's not the same - just new for me i guess

 

Even if I was extremely busy I would find time to see someone I really liked in person - lol.

 

I probably won't ask him what the deal is - because I have a feeling I already know - and I won't mention meeting anymore either - which I don't do much- but once in awhile I think we have a lot of fun talking why not just hang out as friends in real life - but obviously that isn't what he wants right now and I'm not gonna push it - not worth it.

 

I'll just have to remind myself every once in awhile that we are just friends - because I do enjoy talking to him and getting his emails, etc. If he wants to do anything more he'll have to ask and I'll have to see if that is what I want at that time - lol.

[whichwayisup]

it's either deflected or i'll get we'll see.

 

Sorry to say this, but it's his way of saying he's just not that into you as more than a friend.

 

Detach yourself, stop flirting and get rid of the sexual chemistry feeling. Consider him 'just' an online buddy.

[purple21]

yeah - very true - i figured so - i guess it just gets in your head better when you hear it from someone else

 

well - at least I have a new friend - that's cool

 

next.... lol

[purple21]

Ok - so this IM thing is still going on and has become a little strange

So - i laid off the flirting and tried not to be on AIM all the time at night - since he would initiate all talks

 

well that worked for awhile and then we started talking constantly online and through email again and of course flirting starts up again - eventually to the point in which we were trading dirty pics and vids to each other - i was quite hesitant to this at first - but gave it a try - and have to say it was fun.

 

arg - so now i still having feelings for this guy - i think it is more that we talk sooo much - i know it isn't in person - but after 6 months - of talking almost daily and sometimes a few times a day - i have sort of an attachment

 

last week i gave in and finally said - hey you should come over and hang out one of these nights - his reply was ok - i said cool - and that was that. i know i know - if he wanted to hang or wanted anything more i would know and he would be over as we speak. but of course i also thing if he didn't like me at all i wouldn't hear from him everyday - it's all sorta strange

 

part of me is just like - have fun - don't think about anything more coming of it - it's nice to talk everynight or get funny msgs during the day

 

but then some days - i just want to ask him what the hell is deal is and hear it and get it over with - even though i know it's probably not good - i think it might help to hear it from him and then get over it - u know what i mean - but then again i worried that i'll not hear from him at all anymore.

 

plus i also have to decide in the next month or two if i want to relocate from NY to TX for a job - could also be a reason for not getting together - i'm not sure - his only advice to me on that one is to do what i think is best - ha wish i knew - i guess part of me knowing nothing will come out of this will make the decision a little easier

 

i appreciate any words of ls wisdom - it always seems to help me get on track

[moimeme]

If you two live close enough to spend time together but don't then he's absolutely not that into you. There are men you'll find who will sort of use you as their pseudo-relationship to fill in when they don't have an actual relationship. I think this is what this guy is doing with you. You'll be better off to move away and find someone new in your new location.

[guest]

Having been in a similar position before (the roles were reversed though) I can tell you, he's clearly not into you. Moimeme is right about people not meeting even though they live close to each other; it indicates that there's not enough interest to meet this person. If weeks passes by and there is still no time for a meeting you can take that as a 'No'.

 

I had a friend with whom I exchanged a couple of emails a day (we never IM'ed as that was before I discovered instant messaging) and he also often suggested meetings with me. I ALWAYS declined. I suspected that he was more into me than I was into him and the idea of meeting him just made me feel really uncomfortable. Writing emails to a friend is fun, even talking on the phone is ok, but I can't take the physical presence of someone who's into me when I have zero romantic interest for him.

 

Our emails were always just fun, but if you're with someone who likes you, suddenly there are a lot of other things that you just can't ignore anymore, it's harder to reject his needs, it's harder to ignore him when he tries a move, words on a screen are not the same as the look he gives you. It's much much easier to detach oneself from words than from someone 'real'.

 

I don't think he's going to fall in love with you. He put you in the friends category already. The romantic spark for him was gone when he met you and his continued emailing means that he appreciates a lot as a friend, but he doesn't want to deal with the hassle of meeting a friend who is romantically interested in him.

 

That was my guess on your situation, I don't understand though why he's so stupid to fuel your interest with exchanging pictures, but this might be only naivity, not interest. I really do not think that he wants you as a girlfriend, sorry...

[d'Arthez]

Fairly close distance, should not be a problem to spend time in real life. A number of hours driving is closeby. When there is half a country (the size of the US) in between you, the story would be different. As then 'just visiting' is not so much an option - it needs to be planned out.

 

Some mean prefer virtual relationship over real relationships, as there are parts of a real relationship they don't have to deal with.

 

I agree with moimeme, that it would be best for you that if the job offer is good, and is what you want professionally, that you move to TX. Forget about him, in any romantic sense - you will never be more than IM friends, it seems.

[purple21]

Originally posted by moimeme

If you two live close enough to spend time together but don't then he's absolutely not that into you. There are men you'll find who will sort of use you as their pseudo-relationship to fill in when they don't have an actual relationship. I think this is what this guy is doing with you. You'll be better off to move away and find someone new in your new location.

 

Thanks - yeah you are right - sometimes my thinking gets a little foggy i guess - good think i found LS - i talk to my friends about stuff but they seem to hold back i guess you could say as if they don't want to hurt your feelings.

 

I'm going to visit the new location in the beginning of August so I'll have a better idea then but I'm thinking the change will do me good in a lot of ways plus it would be better pay and better weather Plus I'll probably get more excited about it then as well if I like it.

 

Yeah - I think I'm sort of a fill in or fun for the time being - kinda stinks but i'll get over it. I'm not gonna say anything in regards to asking him what his deal is - just gonna lay low for a little while to get rid of the attachment. Will try to keep things on a friend level.

[purple21]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Fairly close distance, should not be a problem to spend time in real life. A number of hours driving is closeby. When there is half a country (the size of the US) in between you, the story would be different. As then 'just visiting' is not so much an option - it needs to be planned out.

 

Some mean prefer virtual relationship over real relationships, as there are parts of a real relationship they don't have to deal with.

 

I agree with moimeme, that it would be best for you that if the job offer is good, and is what you want professionally, that you move to TX. Forget about him, in any romantic sense - you will never be more than IM friends, it seems.

 

We have really close distance - we work in the same building - lol

Yeah - I think I'm just a friend/filler since everything is always online and just fun. A little while back I made some comment that I only talk to/or whatever to people I hang out with in person. He just responded - oh you're not being playful or don't be so sensitive. Wienie.

 

So yeah - I guess I just needed to hear it from others to knock some sense into me - just friends - that's it