Teknoe Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 After my coworker rejection yesterday, and being rejected by all girls I've asked out in the last decade (my last GF was December 2004), I decided it's time to make some key changes in my life. My bro and his wife came over for a game night tonight. Afterward, we discussed possible changes that may help me find a GF/wife but more importantly improve the quality of my life: 1. Update my wardrobe. My sis in law is taking me out to pick up some new shirts tomorrow 2. Lose 10 pounds to start with. My sis in law and I are heading to the gym tomorrow. I have a work out at home DVD I use the past 3 years; I haven't been to the gym in forever. But I think it will be good to head back to the gym. 3. Be more active. I'm just a lazy homebody at heart. I work, go home and veg out. They encouraged me to be more social and outgoing. I don't think I'll ever become that kind of person (again), but I do think I can find some kind of happier middle ground between the two worlds. My social circle right is basically zilch. I get all my social interaction at work and then with my bro and sister in law. 1 and 2 are manageable but I know 3 is going to be hardest of all. I'm just not, at this stage of my life, a go-getter type. I'm not an Alpha male nor will I ever be, I don't think. I've always been easy going, go with the flow, play video games and relax kind of guy. My bro said my problem is I'm still acting like a 24 or even a 14 year old when everyone else has moved on up. It was a little harsh to hear but this isn't his first time saying it, so I was kinda used to it by now. And I can't deny the truth in his words, either. In a lot of ways, I haven't really "grown up" yet, whatever that officially means. Perhaps that's why I'm a teacher and work so well with kids... on many levels I may still think like a kid... or it's easy for me to relate to them and see things from their point of view. I honestly don't think I have any learning disabilities. I'm just a little lacking in life experience, a little too laid back, a little too nice, a little too non-ambitious, and a little too child-like. Also, in certain social situations I don't feel comfortable/confident and oh, I definitely THINK TOO MUCH. Anyway, the rejection has brought all of this and more into the spotlight, so if nothing else, I had to ask her out in order to be rejected in order to be motivated to start moving pieces along and trying to better my life, which has been in a bubble and comfort zone for some time now. If nothing else, I can use this rejection as a turning point of sorts in my life. 9
d0nnivain Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Good for you for taking a negative & turning it into a positive. I think your SIL is on the right track: updated wardrobe & a little weight loss. Getting involved in the gym or any activity will increase your metabolism & increase your endorphins (the chemicals associated with happiness) Doing more things -- building a social life -- will also help It doesn't have to be anything major. Since you mentioned "game night" look around to see if you can find a meet up group that plays board games. There is one by me. Low key. No pressure. I participated in one when I was single. I never met anybody to date but I enjoyed having people to talk to & compete against. 4
Auspecial Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I am in two different game groups. I really enjoy it. There are so many new, cool board games. Its great to interact IN PERSON IN REALITY WITH OTHER PEOPLE, and just have fun. I have never gone with the intention of meeting a new bf, and actually, I have been relieved (thus more relaxed and can be myself and not guarded and suspicious of others intentions) that the guys don't bug me for a date. I can get to know them in a NORMAL way, and then if something comes up I the future, it will feel MORE NATURAL about it. It seems to me that you have given yourself a nice talking to, and now you can proceed with positive actions of change. Have fun!
Els Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) What happened to your plans for moving out of your parents' house, Teknoe? I think that will be the most important change that you will need to make at this point - it will benefit you psychologically, socially, and help you 'grow up'. Wardrobe, losing 10 lbs, being more active - all that is great but you still need the foundation, which is learning to be independent and your own man. I know I'm probably repeating myself a lot in your threads, but IMO this is really urgent now that you are 33(?). You've never lived on your own before, you have steady income, your parents don't need caretaking. You NEED to leave the nest. Edited March 7, 2015 by Elswyth 6
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) What about that chick that liked you from OLD but you weren't into it? If she liked you, and it wasn't about hieracrchy/looks, then what makes you think you can't get another like her but with a more compatible personality by being just the way you are and playing more numbers? And what makes you think that if you buy a bunch of DKNY shirts and lost 10 pounds, women would like you more? I doubt they would. If you quit your job as a teacher, became a doctor, got 6-pack abs and dressed very stylishly, would more women like you? Yea. But do you want to go that way? Are you that kind of person? You don't seem to be to be. I wouldn't suggest taking on that mentality. Been there and it's an ugly road. Let's face it. Dating IS a hierarchy. That's why we list things like income, education and body type on 'dating' accounts. But that doesn't mean you have to play. Edited March 7, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember
xxoo Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Think less, do more. I'm a homebody, too, and I understand the compulsion to simply go home and veg. Use that as your reward time, after you do the things you need to do to improve your life. Set small goals for the day, the week, and the month. Reward yourself with veg time after goals have been met. Keep the goals small at first to set yourself up for success. Just make sure you "work" first, and "reward" after! 2
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Think less, do more. I'm a homebody, too, and I understand the compulsion to simply go home and veg. Use that as your reward time, after you do the things you need to do to improve your life. Set small goals for the day, the week, and the month. Reward yourself with veg time after goals have been met. Keep the goals small at first to set yourself up for success. Just make sure you "work" first, and "reward" after! I'm all for improving yourself. For yourself. Improving yourself is like a married housewife with kids getting a better career or continuing to go to the gym or dress nice. But 'fundamentally changing' yourself because you were rejected by someone you had a connection with, but they weren't attracted to you. Wrong. Putting the blame on your shoulders when it shouldn't be there. No quicker way in the world to make yourself miserable than by playing that game.
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 But 'fundamentally changing' yourself because you were rejected by someone you had a connection with, but they weren't attracted to you. Wrong But that isn't what is going on here, OP sees the rejection as a catalyst to make changes in his life that will make his life BETTER!! What could be wrong with that, who cares what the catalyst was, it's a GOOD thing and we should all be supporting him!!! Putting the blame on your shoulders when it shouldn't be there. No quicker way in the world to make yourself miserable than by playing that game. :confused: Where is there any blame here or playing any game?? If anybody seems to be stuck in a place where we are not happy, well, I don't really mean "happy" but more like fulfilled, it is def time to mix things up and do some self improvement unless you really actually wish to stay in the stuck place maybe forever!! Losing some weight, being active, updating wardrobe, that is all refreshing and positive for anybody who may have kinda fallen into a rut!!
preraph Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I'm glad you had someone to talk to about this to get some perspective. You really can't grow up if you just continue to do the things it was okay to do when you were a teenager, like videogames and be a slacker. There are plenty of those guys around but few women want them once they're over 20. In addition to them going shopping with you for shirts, I would recommend you also go shopping by yourself to a good department store like H&S, Dillard's or Macy's and ask at the men's counter for a salesperson to actually update your look and put together a nice outfit for you for job interviews and taking a girl to a nice restaurant. And I also recommend you go to a good barber, not the cheapest one you can find, and maintain a good haircut that has some personality. At that point, you have the outside fixed and can start working on changing your slacker habits and becoming a more interesting productive active person by making yourself go do new things and find outside activities you like to do. You should go somewhere and try something every week, whether it's take a golf lesson or go to the zoo. You can also volunteer somewhere for a couple of hours a week at something that sounds appealing, whether it's working with underprivileged kids or helping rescuers with animal rescue or Meals on Wheels. When I was really in a long depression, the one thing I did right was volunteer at the zoo. What it did is give me a feeling of worth again, but even more importantly, it gave me something to chat to my few friends who were trying to hang on through my isolation about that wasn't just depressing. I even put it on my resume under "special interests" for awhile. Good luck with your latest project: Making a better you. 1
xxoo Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I'm all for improving yourself. For yourself. Improving yourself is like a married housewife with kids getting a better career or continuing to go to the gym or dress nice. Improving yourself is developing in any area you feel is needed. Improving his social life is a great plan, and would likely lead to more dating success. How is it not for himself, if it helps him achieve his goals? 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) Improving yourself is developing in any area you feel is needed. Improving his social life is a great plan, and would likely lead to more dating success. How is it not for himself, if it helps him achieve his goals? Well, the socializing isn't really improving yourself. It's just getting yourself out there more. I agree with that one. In my opinion, if you are hung up about improving yourself in terms of looks, jobs, stuff like that, and getting people to like you more, then you likely discriminate against people based on those things. I feel the best way for people to improve themselves is to be less shallow and more open to those who might not be as interesting, cool, rich, beautiful. That is true 'improvement' as a person. After reading this thread and going into the real world, I would think every person I meet is judging me because of my shirt, my pants and my haircut. OMG, am I sloppy? Is it good enough? That's not really the way to live life IMO. Edited March 7, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember
TouchedByViolet Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Reading Teknoe's post I think he is a great guy already and quality BF material. Sounds like women are not romantically interested though so making changes can improve your results. As another poster has said I would be careful changing yourself to a point you are someone you don't like... All the changes you have listed are fine as long as you want to do them deep down. Don't force yourself to be someone you are not. It can make you miserable. 1
BlueIris Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 That’s great Teknoe. Changing things can open up so many other things. Whether you change to achieve something, with a goal in mind, or just to change for the sake of change, often we can’t even dream of what will happen as a result. In my experience, it’s often been so much better or more exciting than I could have expected. I hope good things come from your taking a new track. 1
Author Teknoe Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the replies, everyone. Joining a game group sounds like a great idea. I'll look into that. Was also thinking of looking into some kind of acting group. Or an acting class. I minored in acting during my college days, and have always enjoyed acting as I get to play a "character" and I can pretend to be someone else a little more interesting and "out there." Acting has always appealed to the closet wannabe entertainer deep inside of me. I haven't acted much in the last 3 years though, as once I got out of college and later church (where there was acting ministry opportunities), I haven't really found myself a platform to support this side interest of mine. Well, I do want to lose weight and I do want to get nicer more modern clothes. As for being more social, it's just something I am going to have to take small steps toward. I've built a life of isolation in the past 2 years or so. It's safe, it's comforting, and I don't have to worry about how anyone else thinks of me. However, on the flip side, it has deteriorated my social skills, and has left me feeling a bit empty from time to time. Once in a while, I do wish I had a tight-knit support circle. OTOH, when I think about the time investment and everything else, I also get mentally exhausted and am glad I have "no one to answer to" and thus can be left to my own devices on the weekends. I think I've been hurt in the past 5 years with the church scene and various other things that I've allowed myself to close off from the rest of the world. I used to post updates on FB all the time for example, even shot videos of myself talking about life that I would share! Nowadays, I don't even check FB and I've become super private. What happened to your plans for moving out of your parents' house, Teknoe? I think that will be the most important change that you will need to make at this point - it will benefit you psychologically, socially, and help you 'grow up'. Wardrobe, losing 10 lbs, being more active - all that is great but you still need the foundation, which is learning to be independent and your own man. I know I'm probably repeating myself a lot in your threads, but IMO this is really urgent now that you are 33(?). You've never lived on your own before, you have steady income, your parents don't need caretaking. You NEED to leave the nest. Hey Els. I'm 31, not 33 (whew, 31 sounds old enough let alone 33!) To answer your question, as a teacher living in the bay area, apartments in my area are going for $2,000 a month. Even sharing a living space with another guy makes it around $1,000 a month. Right now, every 2 weeks, my school is paying me about $1,000. If I move out, I'm burning half of what I make, and that's not counting bills, food, gas, etc. And this is moving out sharing a space with another housemate. I can't live on my own as I make about 2000 a month and single apartments here are right around that range. No matter how great the rewards might be for moving out, I just haven't been able to go through with it. However, my goal is to interview for new schools in a month or two. Public schools pay 45-55K and that would be a SUBSTANTIAL bump for me, and be enough to support myself while saving enough to secure my future post-teaching. I'll be looking into schools an hour from my parents' house. They've built some new schools in that region, and while this may sound like a cop out, my parents actually have a third house in that area. No one is living in it, and my folks go up there every other week to take care of it. The goal or idea is I'd interview for one of those schools by the new house, land the job and move into my parents' vacant third home. I'd pay them a monthly fee, but I would be the home caretaker. They said they would stop visiting the new house every other week if they know I am occupying it, as it would then become my responsibility. Now I know I may get some criticism for this, that I have "not made it on my own," but I know I am super fortunate to have such hard working and successful parents. Not everyone is in my position. Even if it's their house that they bought, I would be there living on my own and responsible for everything in and outside the house. It's definitely an appealing idea especially since, with my teacher salary, I'm never going to be a homeowner in the bay area. Plus, it would move me an hour away from my parents, drop me in a whole new community and can be in many ways a fresh start at life. I know for those who worked hard and scratched and clawed and fought their way to renting or owning may scoff at me for having an easy out, but you take what life gives you. At this point, on my low salary, it doesn't make sense to be giving half of it away just to rent. We'll see how the next couple months goes... I may not even be able to land an interview if positions up there are all happily filled. But if I do land a job there, that would mean a 20K pay increase and automatic move-in-to-live-on-my-own situation. We'll see if the stars align. BTW, as for how other teachers at my current school are supporting themselves and a family, many of them have taught at other higher paying schools for years before coming here, saved up and also have husbands working the tech field earning six figures. The rest are young and still living at home with their parents. One lives behind the school in a small housing complex made specifically for employees of the school. Another one lives in a mobile home. They pay us peanuts, and we live in the thick of the bay area. Switching schools could mean a 20-25K pay increase. That's why I'll be looking into applying to new schools in the coming months. Edited March 7, 2015 by Teknoe 1
kolleamm Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 My plan right now- get a perfect body Can't beat that in terms of improvement.
Els Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Hey Els. I'm 31, not 33 (whew, 31 sounds old enough let alone 33!) Oops. I must've gotten your age crossed with another poster's - my bad, sorry. Please don't feel obliged to answer my next question in detail, as I know finances can be a private thing, but if you're willing to answer I think we could have a more fruitful discussion... You've been working as a full-time teacher for a couple years or more now, and have been living at your parents' the whole time, right? And they don't charge you rent/board or ask you to split the household bills if I recall your posts correctly. And you said you earn $2000/month from your job. Wouldn't you have a substantial amount of savings in that case to provide the nest egg that you would need to strike out on your own? I can't see personal expenses costing more than $1000/month or so, unless you have significant student loans (which doesn't appear to be the case). However, my goal is to interview for new schools in a month or two. Public schools pay 45-55K and that would be a SUBSTANTIAL bump for me, and be enough to support myself while saving enough to secure my future post-teaching. This sounds great, no criticism from me here. The aim is really for you to learn to live independently, and if you can live independently while getting cheap rent I don't see the problem. But I think you should not restrict yourself to ONLY applying to jobs in those schools. How about other public schools in other places, maybe places with cheaper rent than your current location? Getting out of your comfort zone should be a primary goal in your case IMO. You've stayed in it for too long and it is impeding your progress.
Author Teknoe Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 This sounds great, no criticism from me here. The aim is really for you to learn to live independently, and if you can live independently while getting cheap rent I don't see the problem. But I think you should not restrict yourself to ONLY applying to jobs in those schools. How about other public schools in other places, maybe places with cheaper rent than your current location? Getting out of your comfort zone should be a primary goal in your case IMO. You've stayed in it for too long and it is impeding your progress. Yup, I am planning to apply to other schools other than just those ones. The idea is to get a higher paying position, and move out based on that extra financial bump. 2
sportygirl89 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I actually started going to church in January. I was at my wit end and super depressed. I knew something had to change. I had a few falling outs in the fall (which left me with one friend at home). I switched gyms and lost a good portion of my social life. I was thinking it would be weird going to church alone. I started that and a Bible study. I started going to two events a week to meet people. I figure I cannot study all the time. I am working on trying to lose some weight, I already work out 5-6 days a week (just need to focus on my nutrition). While I am meeting guys and such I am focusing on making friends (something I have really never had before). Females tend to get jealous of me (I literally have 2 female friends). The girls through the church are actually genuinely nice and so are the guys. So that helps to approach them (if I wanted to).
Els Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Yup, I am planning to apply to other schools other than just those ones. The idea is to get a higher paying position, and move out based on that extra financial bump. That's great, hoping that works out.
Author Teknoe Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 Just a quick update. Summer is officially here for me (school ended this past week) and now I'm ready to tackle new lifestyle choices with no excuses (i.e. ah I got work to worry about!) -Been working out every night the past 2 weeks -Need to eat healthier, starting now. Veggies, lean chicken, fruit, etc. -Need to start walking/hiking at least 3x a week, no excuses -Drink lots of water and get lots of sleep -Reconnect with old (male) friends, and look to make new friends -Church hop a bit and try to find a church home, if possible -Maybe look up an acting class (I used to love acting and would like to do it again) These are all goals that are manageable and I have control over, for the most part. I'm excited 2
SummerDreams Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 I am glad to see you got goals and you are ready to get them into action, this is always a good thing, but I do disagree in people suggesting only one thing when someone tells them they have no dating life, and that is "to become social". As an introvert I don't know how to become social, I don't want to become social and I see no reason whatsoever to become someone else than who I really am only to get a boyfriend. People really need to start recognizing the significant percentage of introverts in the world (I think it's like 15% of all people) and stop assuming that "becoming social" is the only way to meet people and/or create a relationship. I know I could be off topic here but I really had to get this out of my chest. Also I don't see how someone taking care of their body will help find a significant other but that's just me.
Author Teknoe Posted May 30, 2015 Author Posted May 30, 2015 Summer, I classify myself as an introvert but occasional extrovert tendencies. I know it's hard for introverts to become "more social." It's never as easy as it sounds. Also I don't see how someone taking care of their body will help find a significant other but that's just me. Really? This is shocking, as unfortunately, a lot of society judges a person based on their looks. If someone is fit and healthy, they are simply more likely to attract a larger percentage of the population. I'm not saying being in shape will automatically get you into a meaningful relationship, but it certainly doesn't hurt. Moreover, I think the discipline and hitting a goal of losing 15-20 pounds can really boost one's overall confidence and of course as we know confidence always leads to pretty good results. I think it goes beyond just being fit... but there's a lot of subtle good life choices thrown in there that helps the individual even if it's not directly tied to "dating success."
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 Summer, I classify myself as an introvert but occasional extrovert tendencies. I know it's hard for introverts to become "more social." It's never as easy as it sounds. Really? This is shocking, as unfortunately, a lot of society judges a person based on their looks. If someone is fit and healthy, they are simply more likely to attract a larger percentage of the population. I'm not saying being in shape will automatically get you into a meaningful relationship, but it certainly doesn't hurt. Moreover, I think the discipline and hitting a goal of losing 15-20 pounds can really boost one's overall confidence and of course as we know confidence always leads to pretty good results. I think it goes beyond just being fit... but there's a lot of subtle good life choices thrown in there that helps the individual even if it's not directly tied to "dating success." Answer the question yourself. Would it make a difference to YOU if a woman who wasn't attractive to you was now 15 pounds lighter? I think if you really want to make a tangible improvement to chances with women, I think it's pretty clearly $. I mean, yea, personality matters, but that's something we all work on anyway. Stuff like learning to play the guitar, learning to speak French, learning to ballroom dance. Eh... marginal, marginal help perhaps. It's just my silly opinion, but work for yourself. I ran 3 miles today, and I don't give a f@ck about what any woman thinks or doesn't about it.
jay1983 Posted May 30, 2015 Posted May 30, 2015 I am glad to see you got goals and you are ready to get them into action, this is always a good thing, but I do disagree in people suggesting only one thing when someone tells them they have no dating life, and that is "to become social". As an introvert I don't know how to become social, I don't want to become social and I see no reason whatsoever to become someone else than who I really am only to get a boyfriend. People really need to start recognizing the significant percentage of introverts in the world (I think it's like 15% of all people) and stop assuming that "becoming social" is the only way to meet people and/or create a relationship. I know I could be off topic here but I really had to get this out of my chest. Also I don't see how someone taking care of their body will help find a significant other but that's just me. I disagree with all this. How would you meet your BF? You won't meet anyone staying home and the majority of people do not find overweight attractive and like the fit or muscular look. In a minute I'm gonna get someone reply to me and tell "some people like this, some like that" That can really mislead people with so much positive talk because what you read here will not reflect on single people. It's good to be positive, but you have to be realistic.
Author Teknoe Posted May 31, 2015 Author Posted May 31, 2015 Answer the question yourself. Would it make a difference to YOU if a woman who wasn't attractive to you was now 15 pounds lighter? It depends on the face. There's a lot of bigger women who I find to be OK looking but not particularly attractive. 15 pounds off could do some wonders, so I'd say I would be more likely to be attracted. But I do see your point. Still, it doesn't hurt to lose some of one's fat, and if one of the perks is more people may be attracted to you as a result, then so be it.
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