Stefanie Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I've recently become closer to a guy who has had little to no experience with women. We do amateur/volunteer work together so I tend to see him once a week. As of late, we've chatted/texted more throughout the day and we've gone to the movies and gone on drives together (we're car enthusiasts). He's an extremely genuine and friendly guy, but a mutual friend has made it clear that he probably isn't ready for dating as he's really insecure and it may lead to disappointment or even some jealousy/abuse. On top of that, I struggle to tell what this guy's intentions are, since his messages are sometimes a bit flirty and suggestive and he seems eager to spend more time together. He goes out of his way to help me out (I recently got in an accident and he drove a fair distance to give me a lift/comfort me). When we do see each other, he doesn't really break the touch barrier or talk to me in a way that makes me feel like we're on a 'date', but my gut tells me it's because of his lack of experience. Any ideas or anecdotes?
mightycpa Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Any ideas or anecdotes?Dating insecure people generally ends badly. So, rather than date a guy who is very insecure, maybe you should decide to be his true friend and see if you can help him grow out of that. In the long run, he could either see you as the girl who proved him right about his insecurities, or the one who helped him break away from those destructive thoughts. 1
Author Stefanie Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 So, rather than date a guy who is very insecure, maybe you should decide to be his true friend and see if you can help him grow out of that. In the long run, he could either see you as the girl who proved him right about his insecurities, or the one who helped him break away from those destructive thoughts. I agree. I think first and foremost he needs a good friend and possibly more than just me and one other guy. I don't really know how to back-pedal in this situation without confusing or hurting him given he probably has noticed my interest. I can only imagine that he was really disappointed in the past and I'd hate to be a repeat of that. His confidence fluctuates, probably because he's over-thinking at times (I used to do the same), I really want him to feel comfortable enough to open up and admit to his insecurity rather than me prodding him since that'll only make him more vulnerable.
DoesntGetIt Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 If he is an extremely genuine and friendly guy, why is the thought that it would somehow end in abuse? Jealousy, sure I can see that, but where is the jump to abuse? I was extremely shy in my younger years, I still struggle with it a bit now, but for the most part it doesn't come into play anymore. I have confidence and am better at making first moves, flirting, etc. During my extremely shy years, I would never initiate touch, even in a flirty way. It is the type of thing a really shy person just can't do. Text messages are easier, which is why more will come out of them, then in person. He is communicating with you a lot, and driving far to help you out. He is interested. The question is if you are willing to work with his shyness, or if that is going to be too frustrating. It does mean you will likely have to make a lot of the first moves along the way. 2
Author Stefanie Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) If he is an extremely genuine and friendly guy, why is the thought that it would somehow end in abuse? Jealousy, sure I can see that, but where is the jump to abuse? With me he has been nothing but the perfect gentleman and a kind spirit. His friend suggests that he has a possessive streak sometimes and verbally abuses him when he feels personally threatened or jealous. I think that can happen when two people are almost too close and you feel like the person can take it/won't leave you. I think people who are insecure can sometimes be on constant attack as a means of protecting themselves. The question is if you are willing to work with his shyness, or if that is going to be too frustrating. It does mean you will likely have to make a lot of the first moves along the way. I am a patient person (I think), but I would prefer him become confident enough to initiate in our friendship/relationship. I might have to keep standing by him until then but I definitely don't want him to feel 'strung along'. Thank you for your input. I was hoping to get a perspective like yours. Edited March 7, 2015 by Stefanie
Assada Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 You only think h'es insecure due to 2nd hand knowledge?? why dont you make that accessment for yourself? ... you sound like the insecure one
Buddhist Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 He is in the closet. You may get as far as being his actual girlfriend, the kind that goes shopping, goes late night texting and consoles him the first time some guy breaks his heart. He's a keeper.....as a friend.
Gary S Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Well, I hate to break this to you, but if he does not kiss you soon, you'll probably end up in the friendzone.
Buddhist Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 With me he has been nothing but the perfect gentleman and a kind spirit. His friend suggests that he has a possessive streak sometimes and verbally abuses him when he feels personally threatened or jealous. Let me revise what I just said.....he is in the closet and apparently in love with his friend (not you).
Author Stefanie Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Well uh, cheers to everyone for the positivity. You only think h'es insecure due to 2nd hand knowledge?? why dont you make that accessment for yourself? ... you sound like the insecure one I did mention my previous experience with anxiety and insecurity which is the only reason I can believe of his. His insecurity has been noted by me as well. He often talks himself up and sometimes complains about other people as a means of filling silence. Other times he's relaxed and enjoys talking about his own hobbies and sharing his knowledge. I think it's most important to note that I haven't known him long enough for him to have reason to be bossy or jealous. Some people also act differently around the opposite gender. I certainly don't talk to my girlfriends the way I do with guys. He is in the closet. Of course, I can't read his mind to agree or disagree with this. His friends however, believe he's straight and given they've known him for many years, I'm not going to doubt them. If he isn't into women, so be it, but I don't really think that's the case.
Author Stefanie Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Well, I hate to break this to you, but if he does not kiss you soon, you'll probably end up in the friendzone. Haha, God forbid. We'll have to see. I might be upfront with him tomorrow just to get this nonsense out of the way.
1040 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 (edited) I have been that guy. We cannot read women's signals. I used to have people tell me women were flirting and I had NO CLUE. He is terrified that if he asks you out and you decline that he will be embarrassed, you'll tell everyone and they will laugh, he'll get in trouble, whatever. Ask him out. From my experience it will not emasculate him; he'll be grateful. Either that or be REALLY REALLY obvious with the flirting. But that still may not work. If you do ask him out, please report back how it went. Edited March 7, 2015 by 1040
Author Stefanie Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 If you do ask him out, please report back how it went. So I admitted my attraction to him and his first response was speechlessness, haha. After things relaxed a bit though, he told me he liked me too so I guess you were right. Given we're still getting to know each other, I'm not expecting things to go too fast. He's definitely more comfortable now so I'll let him set the pace, especially since we're both busy studying. Thanks for people's perspectives. I think the best solution was to either wait it out or just be upfront instead of making any assumptions.
DoesntGetIt Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 It is surprising how often the best solution is to be upfront and honest about how you feel/what you want with the other person. Yet that is the last thing we ever want to try for fear of getting hurt/making things complicated. Glad you took that step and it is working out. 1
Author Stefanie Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 It is surprising how often the best solution is to be upfront and honest about how you feel/what you want with the other person. Yet that is the last thing we ever want to try for fear of getting hurt/making things complicated. For sure, and I think it's difficult for people of all confidence levels. IMO, possible disappointment is better than missed opportunity or never knowing.
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