Turning 28 and Just Venting

[lzylwr]

I am turning 28 and I've never had along-term girlfriend.

 

These are the words of a successfulattorney living in New York City, a city that has hundreds ofthousands of gorgeous single women living in it. And yet I cannot,no matter what I do or how hard I try or even how little I try, findlove.

 

I write this because chronic male singleness is asubject of taboo. Men are expected to go out into the world and besuccessful. Part of this success lies in attracting women. If a mancannot do this, his self-esteem takes a hit. Chronic femalesingleness used to be the subject of taboo as well. If a woman couldnot find a mate, she would be labeled a “spinster” or an “oldhag”. Today, however, many women can choose to be single and thisdoes not reflect badly on them. A single “career woman” does nothave the negative vibe it did 20+ years ago, especially in liberalareas such as NYC. Masculinity, however, has changed very littlefrom 1715 to 2015. While a man can be a bachelor, it is alsoexpected that he be a bachelor with at least one woman he is casuallyseeing [and sleeping with.]

 

Most men innately know this andfinding women to be with becomes an active pursuit. Most men alsodevelop an understanding early on if they are going to be successfulwith women or not. Men who are successful with women in High Schooland have girlfriends in High School tend to graduate and go on tocollege/careers continuing this pattern. Their self-confidence andself-esteem rises, while the men who are not successful with womenhave their self-esteem become lower and lower due to repeatedrejection. It is a vicious cycle.

 

I have been on many dates. But most have went no where. I have had short term girlfriends thatlasted a week or two. My longest relationship lasted two months. Two months into the relationship, she told me she shot someone. Whether it was true or a reason to try and get out of therelationship, I will never know. I have been told I have nochemistry even though I am engaging. Yes, that is the type ofobstacles I face.

 

An attorney I work says I should haveabsolutely no problem attracting any woman I want. Yet I continuallystruggle. I don't talk about my problems to the people I work withat my current job. At a litigation firm I used to work at from 2012to 2014, a senior partner was absolutely dumbfounded why this girldid not want to go out with me for a second date, even though thishad been a recurring pattern with me ever since I was in high school. The reason? “No chemistry.”

 

I am slender. My height is5'6” to 5'7”. I generally feel good about myself and people havetold me I am outgoing, friendly and ambitious. I dress well. I weara suit everyday to work and if I go out after work, I wear a suit aswell with cologne. I am respected in the community. I don't boastabout myself on a date and allow the woman I see to do most of thetalking. I ask questions. I listen. I have used numerous onlinedating sites, from E-harmony to Match to Okcupid to Zoosk to POF toTinder. I go to singles events and networking events. I have triedmany different approaches and yet nothing has seemed to pan out. Whether I invest a lot of energy or very little energy, the resultsdo not change.

 

What. The. ****. Gives?

 

Like manyother chronically single men out there, I was raised in a householdthat taught me to respect women, but now I am really starting tohave serious doubts if respecting women actually gets a man anywherein the dating world. In fact, it seems society is very reluctant toadmit this, but the stereotype of “nice guys finishing last”might very well have some real harsh truth to it. Remember JeremyMeeks, the felon who had a sexy badboy mugshot that thousands ofwomen were swooning for, actively wanted to **** and get married to? For all of the women swooning for him, these women were activelyignoring the caring, kind, industrious and giving men in their lives. And neither do I believe that all of these women have “somethingwrong with them” “have personality disorders” or are “damagedgoods.” I really believe this is the norm and that women who tendto shy away from these type of men are the exception. How many womendo *you* know who have dated men who had nothing going for them, whowere pathological liars, deadbeats and crooks? Even based onpersonal experiences, it is obvious that these type of men have amajor advantage in the dating pool than other men have. There iseven scientific evidence that backs this up, that the three darktriad personality traits such as Narcissism, Machiavellian andPsychopathy have a much higher success rate with women than otherpersonality types.

 

Based on my experiences, a man can beconfident, but if he doesn't have that umph that a woman is lookingfor, he is dead in the water. It does not matter how confident heis. If he is 5'7” and most women want a man 6'0” or taller,there is nothing that man can say or do to change this. He is deadin the water. If he does not have “the look”, he is also dead inthe water. It does not matter what type of job he has. It does notmatter how well he dresses. It does not matter how funny he is,either. Unfortunately, I am finding more and more that no matterwhat I say, no matter what I do, no matter how good I dress or hownice I smell and no matter how I act, I will always be relegated tothe sidelines. Because it is very hard to go from a respectablegentleman to a disrespectful bastard—the qualities that seem toattract women—I am essentially screwed. It looks like “laddertheory” is right.

 

An attorney I work with at my current jobsays I can find someone very easily if I want to and that I canessentially date any woman I want. He does not know I have struggledwith this for years [since High School] and I do not talk about thistopic at my current firm. When I worked for a litigation firm from2012 to 2014, a senior partner was completely dumbfounded why thisgirl I went on a date with did not want to see me for a second date. As usual, she said there was “no chemistry”, a response I hadgrown very accustomed to receiving. While this attorney also statedthat I could date any woman I want, I know the truth: most women donot want anything to do with me romantically or sexually. I am notugly. I feel like I have a good personality and I really do have alot to offer the world. But no matter what women say, no matter how much theysay “why don't I have a man like you in my life”, they also knowthat everything I have stated above is true. Why do you think womenbemoan that the only men around are married or gay? There are plenty of nice and decent men. They just don't wantthem.

 

The anger and frustration is there. While I never showit or talk about it unless I am venting in the company of a closefriend or family member, it stays dormant. But that deep traumatizinghurt is still underneath the surface, regardless of how big my smileis or how friendly I am. The repeated rejection and repeatedromantic failures weigh heavy on me. I am just beat down. Mostwomen I run into view me as an acquaintance or friend, even if I maywant more. Nothing changes and it really does seem like nothing willever change, either. Society as a whole appears reluctant to admitthat biology, hormones and genetics seem to play a bigger role thanmost people realize when it comes to chemistry and how “lucky inlove” some people are. For the men I know that have a lot ofromantic success with women, their fathers had the same experiences. My father was set up in his 20's. While there is nothing wrong withthat, it shows he could not find a woman on his own and needed helpfrom a third party. There are just some people who happen to havethe right innate stuff and are given more opportunities because ofthat.

 

While I would never turn violent, I can understandhow some men snap and become violent. I can understand how after themillionth plus rejection, a man snaps because he believes there is noother way to solve this excruciating problem that has plagued him formost of his life and can't take it anymore. Despite how wrong it is,I can understand it. But I would never do it.

 

Why do somemen consistently struggle while others consistently have romanticsuccess attracting the opposite sex? It is a rhetorical question. The answer is easy if a guy stinks or has extreme social anxiety. But what about the men who dress nice, have good jobs, are fit,outgoing, have a high self-esteem of themselves and treat women withrespect but keep striking out time and time again? I don't think wewill ever know the answer to that question.

 

It has been a veryhard and difficult road. I do not wish any of these experiences onanyone. If you are “good” with the opposite sex, countyourselves incredibly lucky. I have been said to be charming andconfident, but apparently no matter what I seem to do, I am relegatedto the friend zone. That is why I sometimes think these issues arejust beyond our control, just like how our personalities are shaped. As I push 30, it seems like my life will probably continue to befilled with romantic loneliness. And that is something I wouldnever ever ever wish on someone else.

 

I did not alter or tweakthis because I wanted my post to be from the heart and how I amreally feeling. I know if I edited this I would have toned down thisarticle, and I did not want to do that.

 

Thank you for yourtime and sorry for this incredibly long book. I am done.

[DoesntGetIt]

To put it bluntly, is it possible you're going only for the women that are out of your league?

 

 

Is there one specific, very attractive type that you're going for and not open to other possibilities?

 

 

I have a friend who makes good money, is in pretty good shape, is nice, is likely considered pretty good looking by women, but he doesn't get dates. One big reason for this is he has a very specific type that he only shoots for, and typically that type is out of his league. If he'd change his standards some he'd likely have plenty of options, but instead he mopes around about not having a relationship.

[NJ123]

To put it bluntly, is it possible you're going only for the women that are out of your league?

 

 

Is there one specific, very attractive type that you're going for and not open to other possibilities?

 

 

I have a friend who makes good money, is in pretty good shape, is nice, is likely considered pretty good looking by women, but he doesn't get dates. One big reason for this is he has a very specific type that he only shoots for, and typically that type is out of his league. If he'd change his standards some he'd likely have plenty of options, but instead he mopes around about not having a relationship.

 

The thing is no one wants to be with someone they don't find attractive. I think most guys would rather be single than be with someone they don't think is attractive.

[planb1973]

When I was in my 20s I was having the same luck as you. Being nice meant being the friend. Since then I have had a few LTRs but years in between with no luck. After a particular RL this last year I tried something new. I stopped caring! And wow did I suddenly have more women around than I knew what to do with, sometimes 3 or 4 going at a time. So not caring = lots of women, caring = friends (or broken heart).

 

The first thing to do is not put women on a pedestal just because they have a vagin*. They are just like you and me, and looking for the same thing we are. As soon as you realize this you won't care anymore because they are just another person who happens to have a vagin*.

[LostOnes05]

^^^Truth...I'm my 20's too. Didn't care earlier last year, women went out of their way to talk to me at my job. Started to care and let's just say I'm on here talking to you guys. Never understood why women took the I don't care vibe with interest, but scoffed at the idea of someone caring.

[Els]

I have a few questions:

 

1) What sort of women do you go after?

2) Is your space key broken?

[mightycpa]

Whaddya know? A litigation attorney who is "too nice." You're like the 9th wonder of the world, buddy. You're a unicorn. You don't exist. More likely you're a prick. As a litigation attorney, I'm sure you can summon that persona, at a minimum. But too nice? I have trouble believing that.

 

Now, that said, I know you're the analytical type. You are observant, you listen and I'm sure you've gotten some feedback. The attorney in you wants to blame your lack of success on women's bad judgment in choosing men (ladder theory, bastards, narcissism, etc). See? There's the prick coming out. It's not them. It's you. I just want to clear that up, and when you write back, you should stipulate to that fact right at the outset and stop blaming the ladies.

 

So let's get down to it, my adversarial friend.

I have been told I have no chemistry even though I am engaging.

Ok, now we're getting somewhere. Other than this, you haven't really told us a thing about yourself, which sort of reinforces your conjecture.

 

What does that really mean? You're engaging, meaning that you're involved in the conversation and no doubt you don't let too much time pass between topics. Maybe you're a bore. Maybe your conversation and body language seem forced, because you're trying to be someone you're not. You're going to have to take your confession to the next level here, and stop wondering about what's wrong with how you dress and how you smell and how good you are at getting a taxi and ordering a drink. We need to know about you, the person on the inside.

 

What do you do on these first dates? Take someone to dinner?

 

What are you passionate about, other than finding a way to rob both Peter and Paul? What do you like to actually do in your down time?

 

Tell us about yourself, and I'm sure between all of us here at LS, we can help you find that special girl.

Edited March 7, 2015 by mightycpa

[Buddhist]

Face it, women just aren't interested in men unless we are forced into it by a completely unfair system that gives us no other options. The evidence is clear, once the option to not date a man becomes viable.....women don't date them. So where does that leave men? Single or gay. Either way, we don't really care much. Gay men are better, they like shopping and will never stare at our breasts or hit us up for sex.

[Hopeful30]

Maybe the fact that you never complain about it is why youre continually single. You carry that energy around And maybe women can sense that.

 

Just an idea.

[NGC1300]

The more women I've been around, the more I realize they can offer me so little that it's not worth it. I don't even pursue them anymore. The world can think I'm a loser or gay, but it doesn't matter.

[whatcanitellyou]

The thing is no one wants to be with someone they don't find attractive. I think most guys would rather be single than be with someone they don't think is attractive.

 

Well and good to make this argument but if you're chronically single and unhappy about it what good is it? If you're only attracted to porn stars and can't find one who wants you are you entitled to walk around mad at the world because you're being rejected?

 

It's a valid question and one many men don't like to ponder because movies and media have conditioned them to think they're all entitled to the hottest women.

 

 

Repeat all you want about what you're attract to but if you're regularly alone and unhappy about it you should ponder these questions.

[mightycpa]

The more women I've been around, the more I realize they can offer me so little that it's not worth it. I don't even pursue them anymore. The world can think I'm a loser or gay, but it doesn't matter.

What I've learned in my life is that if women aren't keeping you around, it's because you're not offering them much incentive to do so.

 

That's for the OP NGC, not for you. You've already decided, so that won't benefit you. But your post reminded me of that truth.

[NGC1300]

What I've learned in my life is that if women aren't keeping you around, it's because you're not offering them much incentive to do so.

 

That's for the OP NGC, not for you. You've already decided, so that won't benefit you. But your post reminded me of that truth.

 

You could be right. Relationships take work, and I don't like to do a lot of work.

[Ajax]

My two cents?

 

I'm a guy who never had a date in high school. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 22. I'm thin like you. Not athletic. I'm a teacher. Don't make a lot of money. I've had my share of failures with women, but one thing I don't do is whine or dwell on those failures. I've also had my share of long term relationships.

 

Not to criticize, but you make a big deal about being a lawyer and wearing a suit to work every day. Who gives a crap? That's all status. Maybe your problem lies in connecting on a personal level.

 

You seem to take yourself pretty seriously, while at the same time feeling like it's unfair that women don't commit to long term relationships with you. Maybe you'd find more success if you lighten up and don't put so much pressure on yourself, or them for that matter.