Wonderwalrus Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Apologies in advance for a long long post. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and waiting to wake up. I've tried to give as much detail as I can to provide a full picture. In December, I became involved in a LDR with someone. Things progressed rapidly and were intense the first few weeks. Then he started to change - I'm not sure why. I never knew what to expect with him. He is in early 30's, I'm mid 40's. We spent the last week of January together. The next couple of weeks apart were a challenge for us with a lot of ups and downs. We spent Valentines Day weekend together. The weekend was fine but I was surprised he did nothing special for it/me. The next week I had to travel for business (it was a heavy schedule and a lot of pressure) and he was dealing with huge pressure for a work contract. We communicated exclusively digital during the week. He was often rude and abrupt with me. I got upset several times both before and after the last time we saw each other about his behavior and told him specifically what I needed. It just felt like he didn't care even if he said he did and I know he did. I got really sick on the trip and it was a rough flight home. I called him in tears from the airport. I was supposed to not go home until the next day and ended up getting a limo service home that night. I asked why he seemed reluctant to talk voice and he said he just didn't feel like he was 'good' on the phone or something like that but that he'd be fine with it. The next day I was much worse. High fever. I spent the day pretty much in bed. He had done a sweet thing and I told him in my feverish state that I'd been thinking things couldn't work with us and that we kept hurting one another but that I realized he really did want to make an effort. What came up was several hours of hell. This was all online. He repeatedly said he didn't love me, that he didn't know if he could do this any more and this was heartbreaking for him. I was sooo sick and to put an end to the talk (it felt like he kept hurting me more and more), I said if he wasn't sure to take days or weeks to figure out what he wanted. The next day I ended up in the hospital for about 10 hours with a high fever not going down and severely dehydrated. They had to put me on IV fluids and I found out I had pneumonia. I thought he'd want to know, right? I told him when I got home and he was kind in what he said but dismissive and said he was tired and needed sleep. So that was Monday night. I heard nothing from him all week. No check in to see how I was doing. Nothing. Friday night I emailed him I was done. I accepted part of the responsibility saying that rather than getting upset (and my being upset was always from a place of calmness and not anger) and saying what I needed as often as I did, I should have asked him to explain what is going on. But I said this was too difficult for me because it was. I also explained that I was not used to the type of behavior from men that he exhibited - which is true. I questioned whether the work contract was factoring into things on his side and that perhaps I should have asked him about that rather than just assuming. I also said I wanted something real that could progress - I'd always been clear about that and he had been in agreement (supposedly). I ended off the email saying I didn't feel I could be friends now but that I couldn't discount the possibility for something in the future. He responded in brief 2 days later and said he hadn't expected this. It was very "business like" and said he hoped we could reconnect in the future. I replied shortly saying I was sad and that if he does contact me, to understand I may not be ready and that I needed him to be clear what he wanted if he did. For background information - I AM a normally together person. I'm friends with every man I've been involved with. Several of them I communicate quite often. I am not a drama queen and every relationship I've had has ended on amicable terms. I am successful professionally and always am able to handle things from a rational place. I was with one person for 14 years who was very alpha and we had one argument in the first month. I am pretty easy going. So now that brings me up to this week. I'd already felt things were 'off'. I was reacting more strongly to things than normal. I didn't feel well. I haven't had a cold in a few years and got really hit with this. The dehydration. Before we last saw each other, I started having some lower back issues. I didn't miss a period but I was due on Sunday and with my age, cycles can change. On Sunday after getting his email and examining the way I'd been feeling, I set Wednesday as "test date". Got 2 different tests. Sure enough according to both of them I was pregnant. Went to clinic and went for blood tests Thursday morning. I was sent back for more this morning (Friday). Saw a doc today and got ultrasound done. My hcg levels are consistent with being 6+ weeks pregnant (from end of January when we were together) but the sac appears empty and the doctor believes it is a blighted ovum. He said with an older ultrasound, how early I am and the hcg levels going up still, there is a possibility that it might NOT be a blighted ovum... ie that this is still viable. He and I had talked about kids a couple of times. He had said he didn't want children himself but had liked the idea of adopting. My marriage ended because my husband decided he didn't want children. I spent the last 18 months or so on my own evaluating - before it was too late agewise - to go the kids thing on my own rather than regret it later. When he came along, I wasn't looking for a relationship yet but I was at the point of accepting I'd not have children. I CAN handle this on my own if it is a viable pregnancy. It would be a challenge but it's not impossible. If I took him out of the equation, I couldn't contemplate the idea of terminating. Wednesday after doing the tests, I messaged him JUST asking if he was okay. No response. Thursday I said I asked because I care. (Which I do.) No response. I've talked to several close friends about this. 4 women and 3 men. One said to completely leave him out - he does not need to know. The others are a mix. They all agree it is my decision what to do, but whether he should or shouldn't know - they all have different thoughts with good reasoning. Those who said he shouldn't said that until I've confirmed this is a viable pregnancy and then he should know. The others are in the camp of telling him. I believe telling him is the right thing to do but there's the whole NC issue going on. I'm concerned if I try to broach talking to him in any way, he'll think I'm some crazy woman. (I'm definitely not... although the hormones I've been dealing with are definitely making me behave in ways not consistent with who I am. ) i don't want to get back with him. I don't know if hormones were clouding my judgment in how and where things went wrong with us. The reality is, if I weren't pregnant, his behavior wasn't kind or what I'm used to.. but how much of this was a snowball effect because of one reaction, I don't really know. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Your *romance* with this guy is SO not the important issue here!!! It alarms me that 90% of your post is about your relationship history with this random guy..... who is A NON-ISSUE in this, the single most important decision you've ever made in your life! You want to bring a life into this world? A new human life for whom YOU will be 100% responsible? Girl, dating is the LAST thing you need to be thinking about right now. I don't think there's any way I can impress upon you the difficulty of parenthood, even with a committed partner. The day you give birth feels like the end of running a marathon -- yet, in reality, your work has only just begun! And it continues, 24 hours/7 days a week for the next twenty or so years of your life. Unless you have a sizeable support system -- really committed parents, friends and relatives who will be there for you, helping you out -- then I'd think long and hard before taking something like that on. You will need more money than you can imagine. You will need more help than you can imagine. Energy? Forget it. Dating? Forget it for another 15 years. I recommend you volunteer yourself as a baby-sitter for someone else's child for a weekend so that you can understand the depth and scope of what you're considering here. As to whether or not to let him know you're having a baby? He's the FATHER, of course you have to -- and he's going to have to give you money, like it or not, for the next 18 years! If you think you don't need his money for day-to-day expenses, take it anyway and put it in an account for your child's college. Above and beyond what YOU want.... if you have this baby and decide to raise it, that baby is going to want and need to know his/her biological father. Just my opinion, but as a parent I can't imagine withholding that kind of information from a child. You see, from now on, YOUR needs come second. What's in the best interest of your child ALWAYS comes first. That's just how it is when you have a child. 3
Author Wonderwalrus Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Your *romance* with this guy is SO not the important issue here!!! Wow, I came here expecting some compassion and understanding and not to be blasted. As I said, there's no desire to get back with him. That doesn't factor in. I had one simple question - given that I may be miscarrying, should I tell him or not yet given it may add further to my stress? Given I tried to reach out without being direct and got no response, I have no idea how to approach him. FYI - I was clear about my age, that I am financially stable and have a great support system. There is NO issue on any of this. He and I have been in each others lives for several years even if the relationship part was short.
BC1980 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I feel that you should tell him. One reason is that if you do not miscarry, he will be upset with you for not telling him as soon as you knew you were pregnant. Second, I just feel that he has a right to know even if you do end up miscarrying. I know it's added stress to let him know, but I feel like it's the right thing to do. The baby is his too.
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 When you have a child, it's no longer about YOU and YOUR STRESS. It's about the child and what's best for them -- always. Frankly, who cares if you're under stress? I'm assuming your question here is not IF to tell this guy, but when and how -- in which case the answer is, obviously tell him as soon as possible and who cares how? Pick up the phone. What is this -- junior high? You're talking about a baby, not whether he wants to date you. You've said your age -- but I wonder if you've spent even ten minutes in the company of an actual child. You say you have a support system -- really? Do you even know the kind of daily support you're going to need? Do you have any experience with parenting, even just as an aunt or godmother? I'm guessing, not really, if you're so concerned about yourself and what's best for you in this situation. Sorry to be so blunt -- but this IS compassion. It's a very serious matter and your recounting some lame dating history as opposed to fully addressing the huge life-changing event you're contemplating is very distressing to read.
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