elaine567 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 My H doesn't have enough emotional IQ to sense when I'm hurting. I guess Sassy girl has it in one in many cases. The spouse is so out of synch with the WS, that they do not notice or do not even care, or are in a state of denial, that the other one is hurting. That may not be entirely their fault, the WS may have checked out long before, and both are just going through the motions. They therefore interact at very superficial levels. or The WS may be very good at putting on a brave face, as it is not in their interests to give the game away. or Depression as a diagnosis is also very common, I am sure some blame their bereavement over the xAP on depression.
Sassy Girl Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I think that maybe part of it, but I don't think that is the prime reason. I hope you don't take offense to this, but it does seem like your affair is a huge F U to your husband. This was made even clearer when you said that you would divorce him if you get busted. Trust me I understand it because your husband sounds like an a$$, but if you go down that road, the only individuals that are going to suffer are your children. If you get busted and leave, I can promise you that you and your husband won't be able to co-parent well. There will be too much damage between you. Sassy you give incredible advice here to other Waywards, I just wish you would take yours. So here is some for you, divorce your husband now while still can. Your children will adjust and most importantly, there is a chance that you two will be able to co-parent well. Don't you think that will be what's best for the kids? I think you are taking a very huge risk at the expense of your kids just to prove something to your husband. No, its not a big FU...Its validation, and connection. I know enough and have read enough to understand the why. As for why I would divorce - I just don't have it in me to do the 2-5 years to save what was essentially an ordinary and dysfunctional marriage. I will start over. But right now, he's a great dad. We did separate recently for a bit but my kids, especially my boys, suffered. So I let him come home.
autumnnight Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 No, its not a big FU...Its validation, and connection. I know enough and have read enough to understand the why. As for why I would divorce - I just don't have it in me to do the 2-5 years to save what was essentially an ordinary and dysfunctional marriage. I will start over. But right now, he's a great dad. We did separate recently for a bit but my kids, especially my boys, suffered. So I let him come home. So, as an active and unremorseful wayward, how do you keep your spouse in the dark?
BrokenPrincess Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 did your H ever try to talk to you about it? did he mention you being depressed or was he just kind of trying to be silently supportive? also, is your A now completely over or is it still going? . I mentioned that I felt depressed & stressed (I'd had depression 10-15 years prior) and he accepted that at face value. I did IC on & off the last two years and occasionally would try to talk to him about a session, but he wasn't really engaged. He's about as far from emotional as you could be, very easy going and steady, I don't think we've really ever had too many deeper conversations about thoughts & feelings. I'm not complaining because I know this is who I married, sometimes I do wish we could have that intimacy like stay up all night talking, but it's just not who he is or ever have been. I've learned he expresses his support other ways, like with little kind everyday gestures like coffee on my nightstand when I wake up or recording a new show he thought I'd like even though he hates the premise. Anyway, my A is completely now over after a couple hiccups/breaches/rekindle post (his) DDay about 2.5 years ago. We've been absolute NC now for about 9 months.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Sorry to t/j but why would you stay in a marriage with someone like this? Young and stupid when we got married with a bit of a white knight complex, thought I could save/change her. Then just as we were breaking up, she became pregnant with our son. I stayed a couple more years trying to make it work for him until her A surfaced. While it doesn't explain what she did, I was a pretty lousy H in my own right... Mr. Lucky 1
sandylee1 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Young and stupid when we got married with a bit of a white knight complex, thought I could save/change her. Then just as we were breaking up, she became pregnant with our son. I stayed a couple more years trying to make it work for him until her A surfaced. While it doesn't explain what she did, I was a pretty lousy H in my own right... Mr. Lucky Thanks for replying Mr. Lucky. Yes, we do crazy things when young. From your posts here, I see you are very different from what you described above. You seem very in tune with the female mind and relationships in general and give some very good advice.
SolG Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Whilst it doesn't really deal directly with your Q OP, there is some transferable relevance in how my xMM is dealing with the end of our A. As you know, we ended our A while on vacation OS. I flew home, and he flew back to the country he's currently working in. I called in sick for the week and spent the better part of five days an emotional wreck on the floor. He on the other hand... Just went straight back to work and didn't miss a beat. Then he'd be on Skype with me after hours pouring out his heart crying. I actually asked him how he was doing it. I could barely function well enough to make myself a coffee, and he was working 15 hour days leading a team of 200 odd people in a complex project situation. His response was that you do what you need to, and you don't let go until you can. One foot in front of the other and don't think about it until you have the space. He said he felt lucky to have such a strong distraction. I'm employing the same strategy myself now. When I'm at work, I'm all at work. When I'm with other people, I'm truly with them. When I'm alone and the walls are down... Then I can have a self indulgent moment of mourning. I'd imagine it's the same for a lot of people ending a clandestine relationship that had a strong emotional component. You do what you've gotta do to keep going... 2
pheonixrisen Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I was wondering about this too..I have not seen my h acting out after dday ..and since ...I asked him several times if it was hard for him to talk about things or dealing with his feelings for ow ...He seemed annoyed with this question ..he said he did not find it hard to move on or deal with his feelings he knew what place she had in his life and said his annoyance comes from me implying that in order for him to have a hard time dealing would mean he was in love which he say he was not... My take ...my h is not being truthful ...coz it does not make sense why would you spend 18 months with someone if you did not have some sort of deep connection with them ...He is good at hiding his emotions ...same way when he looked at me every single day for those 18 months and told me he loves me without flinching and then went straight to AP ..... 4
still_an_Angel Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 A close friend of mine has been trying to end his A for 15 months now. He's slowly coming out of the whole thing but during the first try at NC, he went to IC. He told his W there's a possibility that he might loose his job and the stress of that is what's causing his depression. His W noticed, but believed him. 2
Confused48 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 My take ...my h is not being truthful ...coz it does not make sense why would you spend 18 months with someone if you did not have some sort of deep connection with them ...He is good at hiding his emotions ...same way when he looked at me every single day for those 18 months and told me he loves me without flinching and then went straight to AP ..... This makes the most sense to me. I mean for people in a LTA, they have to have gotten very good at hiding things from the BS. So then if the A ends badly for them, they just learn to hide one more thing from the BS. 1
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