Is this an act of selfishness?

[broken2828]

You're apparently very physically attractive and seem to be a good person. Why do you fall for guys that treat you like ****? I dont think anyone youve described had good intentions in their actions toward you or even really seemed to care about your feelings. I could be wrong, but that's the impression i get from what you put on here.

 

I always thought sex sites were kinda weird. Like, why not get out and socialize? Just seems like dudes who use those are kinda skeezy. The player types. We should, in a normal life, meet enough people that we could possibly have sex with without going on the web.

 

Are these dudes super handsome millionaires? Like, what is the attraction?

 

You should, imo, read some articles about how to spot players, users, and emotional manipulation.

[irresolute]

Irresolute, you've mentioned the destructive results when you chase a man. You know it never gets you what you want.

 

You're chasing. Simon is right, if anything, this is a done deal. I don't think he is mad. I think he is getting turned off. Desperation isn't attractive.

 

Your fears of being abandoned have been triggered. The way to deal with it is to push through and overcome, not to enable by engaging in what perpetuates those feelings. The latter only keeps you spinning the wheel.

 

I can't stand the pain of losing him

I'm feeling guilty for telling him he's a poor loser and then blocking him from everywhere.

[irresolute]

Of course he is. He's keeping the option open for sex, as any man would. There are two ways this could go, neither of which are good for you. 1. You become the clingy psycho girl who frightens him eventually or 2. You become the desperate slampiece. There's no other option -- there is no way this man will ever be into you romantically if you continue to act like this. I mean, he probably wouldn't be anyway, but this would guarantee your demise in his eyes.

 

I was looking for a reaction. As the poster to who I replied the paragraph you copied-pasted, to not have a reaction and to not arouse any type of feeling really bothers me. I'd rather be blocked than "whatever".

 

But yes, not doing the non stop texting thing.

[Zahara]

I can't stand the pain of losing him

I'm feeling guilty for telling him he's a poor loser and then blocking him from everywhere.

 

What did you lose though? A guy that you barely knew, had sex with, some good moments, along with the fact that you believed he was hiding you, a guy that wanted to date other women, a guy your were suspicious of because he had a Valentine's gift in his home, etc.

 

It's not that you can't stand the pain of losing him -- you can't stand the pain of your own abandonment issues. Two different things. If he was a man you were in a relationship with, and treated you with utmost love, care and kindness -- yes, that's a loss. The loss isn't about him but the empty void you feel.

 

No need to feel guilty about blocking him. Nothing was going to come from this.

[Simon Phoenix]

I was looking for a reaction. As the poster to who I replied the paragraph you copied-pasted, to not have a reaction and to not arouse any type of feeling really bothers me. I'd rather be blocked than "whatever".

 

But yes, not doing the non stop texting thing.

 

You're a grown woman, not a teenage girl. That type of mentality is something a 16-year-old girl who's pissed at a guy for looking at another girl would have, not an adult woman.

 

I'm not saying this to be mean, but just to let you know the image you are portraying. Like another poster said, you're an attractive woman. Why you fall for and pursue the lowest-denominator of men as far as how they pursue and treat women is beyond me. I'm guessing the thought of a nice, respectable guy would bore the piss out of you.

 

And before you respond in defending this guy, rest your fingers from typing it up. Guys do not go an adult friend finder or sites of the like to find nice girls to settle down with. They just don't. They go on there to get their rocks off. You are basically going to a crack house looking for clean and sober living.

Edited March 12, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[irresolute]

Pretty tired today.

 

Yesterday I send him a good morning text, a funny family guy video and a goodnight text. He replied to all but there was not further conversation.

 

This morning I didn't text him, nor this afternoon. It's because I'm feeling pretty tired. I took a picture of my face to see how I liok, and my face was so sad and old, I looked like a junkie. That's what I am. A stupid junkie.

 

And I'm feeling tired today, tired of pushing and tired of trying. I'm also feeling very stressed.

 

I somehow was thinking if I try a little harder, he'll realize my feelings are sincere. If I text him he'll feel I care and maybe he'll open to me. But I don't know I keep wondering whether all this is worth it.

[smellysocksuni]

Pretty tired today.

 

Yesterday I send him a good morning text, a funny family guy video and a goodnight text. He replied to all but there was not further conversation.

 

This morning I didn't text him, nor this afternoon. It's because I'm feeling pretty tired. I took a picture of my face to see how I liok, and my face was so sad and old, I looked like a junkie. That's what I am. A stupid junkie.

 

And I'm feeling tired today, tired of pushing and tired of trying. I'm also feeling very stressed.

 

I somehow was thinking if I try a little harder, he'll realize my feelings are sincere. If I text him he'll feel I care and maybe he'll open to me. But I don't know I keep wondering whether all this is worth it.

 

I don't know - I think if he doesn't realise by now, he won't any time soon. So just leave him to it.

[Zahara]

I somehow was thinking if I try a little harder, he'll realize my feelings are sincere. If I text him he'll feel I care and maybe he'll open to me. But I don't know I keep wondering whether all this is worth it.

 

If someone else posted the above, you know what you would say. You'd be quick to tell them how desperate they are, to get the hint, to go NC, etc. Turn it around and apply it to yourself. You already know it makes zero sense and that short of begging, and you're already there -- you can't make him care or open up.

 

He's likely engaging in other women, Irresolute. This ship has sailed.

 

There's going to come a day, years gone by when you're going to realize that depleting your physical and mental wellbeing over men was such a waste.

[Simon Phoenix]

Pretty tired today.

 

Yesterday I send him a good morning text, a funny family guy video and a goodnight text. He replied to all but there was not further conversation.

 

This morning I didn't text him, nor this afternoon. It's because I'm feeling pretty tired. I took a picture of my face to see how I liok, and my face was so sad and old, I looked like a junkie. That's what I am. A stupid junkie.

 

And I'm feeling tired today, tired of pushing and tired of trying. I'm also feeling very stressed.

 

I somehow was thinking if I try a little harder, he'll realize my feelings are sincere. If I text him he'll feel I care and maybe he'll open to me. But I don't know I keep wondering whether all this is worth it.

 

He doesn't doubt your sincerity. He just doesn't care because it doesn't match what he's looking for. So stop.

[irresolute]

Dear all,

 

Things have somehow changed. I don't want to be hurt anymore, but I can't avoid this feelings, as well.

We continued talking after I last posted here. We discussed we not being exclusive. I told him I was not ok with that. I asked him if he likes me dating others. He replied no. After that conversation we met and we continued talking. I told him again I don't want him to date others. He said ok.

After we met he sent me a text, even though I told him I wanted to text him first. He asked me:

-what are you going to do with me?

-are you ok with us or you are going with the flow?

 

Then he said he'll try to make me happy and be careful I won't worry about US too much. I bold "us" because I noticed he started talking about us instead of you and me..

 

Then, we kept texting and we agreed to go out for a weekend. That will be in two weeks.

 

 

I'm not sure we are going in the right direction, but my heart tells all this is right.

[Simon Phoenix]

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, unfortunately. This will not end well.

[irresolute]

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, unfortunately. This will not end well.

 

Why do you affirm this, Simon?

[BC1980]

I don't think you are okay with casual dating. I think you actually want a committed relationship. I think that you want someone who loves and respects you unconditionally. The problem is that you are willing to take crumbs from this guy for fear of being alone. You are so uncomfortable with being alone, loving yourself, and sitting with your feelings that you will engage in these unhealthy, pseudo relationships and convince yourself that you are okay with it.

 

We all want companionship. It's natural to want a relationship, but it's unhealthy to sacrifice your self-worth to have just any type of relationship. I honestly think you are like me 2 years ago. So in need of approval that you are willing to take any type of bad treatment. I had absolutely no conditions upon which I would have left my ex, and that is bad. He could have cheated on me, and I would have stayed. He emotionally abused and manipulated me, and I showed up everyday asking for more. It's not a way to live.

 

You can change, but you have to stay the course. You talk a lot about changing, and that's good. I'm glad you at least talk about it, but, once the going gets tough, you revert back to your bad habits. You just go from one unavailable man to the next. I really think it would be beneficial for you to stop any type of dating for a good, long while.

[irresolute]

I do believe in second chances. I've noticed a change on him. We've taled about commitment and being in a serious relationship. We are both taking this as slow as we can. We are both scared and cautious. None of us wants to express our feelings for fear of getting hurt. However, we are taking chances.

 

This is difficult for me. It's difficult for him as well. We are doing the best we can and we are taking the chance to know each other.

 

I believe some things can change. And I believe that, despite my fears of abandonment, my insecurities, and my overall issues, giving a chance to love is risky but necessary.

[Zahara]

I do believe in second chances. I've noticed a change on him. We've taled about commitment and being in a serious relationship. We are both taking this as slow as we can. We are both scared and cautious. None of us wants to express our feelings for fear of getting hurt. However, we are taking chances.

 

This is difficult for me. It's difficult for him as well. We are doing the best we can and we are taking the chance to know each other.

 

I believe some things can change. And I believe that, despite my fears of abandonment, my insecurities, and my overall issues, giving a chance to love is risky but necessary.

 

It's not about seconds chances for you though. I think it's about the inability to let go. You deem it in your head as a second chance because you insist on revisiting.

 

Don't speak for him. When you speak for him, you talk yourself into believing that what you feel is what he feels. Not wise. Talk is cheap. You both can talk about dreams and schemes but at the end of the day, there has been too many issues and a few red flags along the way, and in such a short time of you both dating.

 

Love is risky but you can't truly love or experience love if you are emotionally unavailable, and if you don't love yourself. And love doesn't justify ignoring your issues and engaging in what triggers those issues. Chances are it will all resurface again. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

The only second chance you should be giving anyone is to yourself. Other than that, you are bound to spiral back into your old habits. And even if both of you are insecure and afraid, that's an even higher chance that you both will trigger each other again.

 

Hopefully this time it works out for you but I doubt it.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

Why do you affirm this, Simon?

 

Do I really need to copy and paste your posting history? If you want to be blissfully ignorant, have at it, I just see no way this ends the way you want it to end short of you getting a hypnotist to keep him in a trance for the rest of the time you're together.

 

No one changes in the course of a week. You are so afraid to let go and be on your own that you are doing an extreme amount of mental gymnastics to justify what you want to happen. I wish you luck, but it's safe to say my optimism level on a scale of 0 to 10 is a 0.1. I hope I'm wrong, but I doubt it.

[irresolute]

You know what, being as insecure as I am, this is making me feel really sad.

In fact, I'm very insecure right now about everything.

 

You're probably right and I should cancel everything and break up with him for once. You're probably right and this is never going to work.

[irresolute]

Alright. I've canceled and broke up with him...again. I think it was the best. It was never going to work. Wow, such a roller coaster omg! This is unbelievable crazy.

Feeling sad again. Again.

[Zahara]

Alright. I've canceled and broke up with him...again. I think it was the best. It was never going to work. Wow, such a roller coaster omg! This is unbelievable crazy.

Feeling sad again. Again.

 

And you keep chasing men because you're afraid of that sadness and feeling alone. So you persist and persist in trying to make it work to escape your discomfort rather than face that pain and that feeling of loneliness. Until you learn to be comfortable in your own skin, in your own company and contentment with life even when you are alone, doing things on your own and being emotionally independent -- you will keep seeking guys to make you happy and chances are when you are bogged down with emotional issues, you'll keep making bad choices. That's because your decision making abilities are skewed and are coming from a desperate and needy place.

 

Even with your ex-husband -- you didn't want to be with him but you still latched on. Then Johnny. Same thing. You were bouncing from the attention you were getting from your ex-husband and Johnny. Then all the idiots from those datings sites that kept you running in circles. Even till now, same pattern, same cycle.

 

It's a choice, Irresolute. You can choose to keep hiding from facing yourself or you can turn all focus and attention inward. If you don't love yourself enough to invest, protect and nuture YOU, then no one else will.

Edited March 19, 2015 by Zahara

[BlackbirdSong]

I applaud you Irresolute. That was a mighty big step you took. Now comes the really hard part: being alone. If I still lived in Cali, I'd share a drink with you as we're in the same pain. Letting go is so damn hard.