Author irresolute Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 I feel exactly the same. Like I'm not worth it. No matter what I do, I'm just not worth it. I'm the one to be cheated and deceived. I thought I was in control, but my game was mostly the hard to get one, and he got me. And when he got me, he discarded me. Exactly the same situation as with J. Except, this one said I love you. I won't think of this as the perfect guy, but we really got along. The moments we had were perfect. He gave me advice, he took care of me, he assured me I was safe with him. He even made a joke he wanted to marry me I'm in shock.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I feel exactly the same. Like I'm not worth it. No matter what I do, I'm just not worth it. I'm the one to be cheated and deceived. I thought I was in control, but my game was mostly the hard to get one, and he got me. And when he got me, he discarded me. Exactly the same situation as with J. Except, this one said I love you. I won't think of this as the perfect guy, but we really got along. The moments we had were perfect. He gave me advice, he took care of me, he assured me I was safe with him. He even made a joke he wanted to marry me I'm in shock. You need to revamp your screening process. Getting off aff would be a great start. You're never going to find the guy you want on a site like that -- it caters to the players and users. I think that alone would do you wonders.
Zahara Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) I feel exactly the same. Like I'm not worth it. No matter what I do, I'm just not worth it. I'm the one to be cheated and deceived. I thought I was in control, but my game was mostly the hard to get one, and he got me. And when he got me, he discarded me. Exactly the same situation as with J. Except, this one said I love you. That's no one else's fault but yours. If you had a stronger set of boundaries, and a healthier level of confidence, you wouldn't be in these situations. You attach very quickly because you have no sense of self and you seek men to fill your void. You can't be happy on your own, always attention seeking. When you do this, you make bad choices. Until you learn how to be by yourself, feel comfortable with being alone, having a loving relationship with yourself -- you will either keep sabotaging or you'll keep ending up with Johnnys. Your picker is broken because all your life you have picked men that haven't been healthy for you. Nothing changes until you change. I won't think of this as the perfect guy, but we really got along. The moments we had were perfect. He gave me advice, he took care of me, he assured me I was safe with him. He even made a joke he wanted to marry me Men that talk about marriage so soon -- that's BS talk. Empty words. The thing with you is that while others see that as a red flag, you magnify that as something so promising, so truthful. Your perceptions are skewed. You're idealizing. You even said that you both were walking down the street and you felt he was hiding you. So, it wasn't all that. Men can be in the moment. Enjoy that time, the sex, the fun -- but if it's sporadic, it's not real. It's just two people living in that moment, and that's as far as it goes. You take these little bits of nice and create this huge gesture of love and commitment in your mind. Then you latch on to that and create this belief in your head that it was all that and a bag of chips. Edited March 9, 2015 by Zahara
Author irresolute Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 That's no one else's fault but yours. If you had a stronger set of boundaries, and a healthier level of confidence, you wouldn't be in these situations. You attach very quickly because you have no sense of self and you seek men to fill your void. You can't be happy on your own, always attention seeking. When you do this, you make bad choices. Until you learn how to be by yourself, feel comfortable with being alone, having a loving relationship with yourself -- you will either keep sabotaging or you'll keep ending up with Johnnys. Your picker is broken because all your life you have picked men that haven't been healthy for you. Nothing changes until you change. Men that talk about marriage so soon -- that's BS talk. Empty words. The thing with you is that while others see that as a red flag, you magnify that as something so promising, so truthful. Your perceptions are skewed. You're idealizing. You even said that you both were walking down the street and you felt he was hiding you. So, it wasn't all that. Men can be in the moment. Enjoy that time, the sex, the fun -- but if it's sporadic, it's not real. It's just two people living in that moment, and that's as far as it goes. You take these little bits of nice and create this huge gesture of love and commitment in your mind. Then you latch on to that and create this belief in your head that it was all that and a bag of chips. He was good at making me believe he had feelings for me. I might be naive and maybe I didn't want to see his true intentions, but I can tell you, he was good. I thought something special was developing there. We were both broken, he suddenly felt more comfortable with me, he put his guard down... I thought wow, I might be something for him. I might be that special person. Bs. I honestly don't know what to beieve and what not now. People are deceiving. I'm working on myself with DBT therapy. I'm trying. I'm also seeing a counseling once we week. She told me I took the right decision blocking him. And she encourages me to meditate and to find happiness in other sources. Still do hard.
Zahara Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 He was good at making me believe he had feelings for me. I might be naive and maybe I didn't want to see his true intentions, but I can tell you, he was good. Of course men will tell you what you want to hear. You did it to. You told him you love him. But did you truly love him? You didn't even know him. Your "love" stemmed from your attachment from sex and the need to make him want you. In that same token, you were also doing the same thing. Plus, you called him garbage one moment, and then hours later declared you love him. Is there any reliability or truth in those"love" feelings? I think not. I thought something special was developing there. We were both broken, he suddenly felt more comfortable with me, he put his guard down... I thought wow, I might be something for him. I might be that special person. Your guard was up. His guard was down. His guard was up. Your guard was down. There is nothing special, Irresolute. How can anything develop with such inconsistency and insecurity? I'm working on myself with DBT therapy. I'm trying. I'm also seeing a counseling once we week. She told me I took the right decision blocking him. And she encourages me to meditate and to find happiness in other sources. Still do hard. Yes, be on your own for awhile. I've followed your story and there has never been a moment where you've spent at least 6 months on your own. There's always been a quick replacement after every guy. No more guys. Find love within yourself.
BC1980 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 He was good at making me believe he had feelings for me. I might be naive and maybe I didn't want to see his true intentions, but I can tell you, he was good. I thought something special was developing there. We were both broken, he suddenly felt more comfortable with me, he put his guard down... I thought wow, I might be something for him. I might be that special person. Bs. I honestly don't know what to beieve and what not now. People are deceiving. I'm working on myself with DBT therapy. I'm trying. I'm also seeing a counseling once we week. She told me I took the right decision blocking him. And she encourages me to meditate and to find happiness in other sources. Still do hard. There are people out there who will deceive you, play games, give you BS. But once you've spent time building up your self-esteem and figuring out what you want out of a relationship, it becomes easier to wade through the people who mean you harm. Once you've spent time on your own and become okay with that, you won't settle for people who treat you poorly. You won't be so concerned with finding anyone to fill up space that you will actually try to find quality people. I think you need to make it a point to be alone for awhile. I mean voluntarily alone. Work on your self-esteem and do things for yourself. Little by little, you will learn that you don't need someone to fill that hole for you, especially someone who is just using you.
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 The thing is irresoulute, you told us that you and this guy were never in an exclusive relationship and you said that you were not even ready for one, so why are you making this all about what a bad person he is?? I can tell for sure that your feelings are hurt but from reading this the impression I get is that you are 2 people who were having fun playing games with each other and now it's not fun anymore, nothing really ever developed and it seems like you were both exactly the same towards each other. You can move on with some grace and dignity, you should do that right now!! If this situation is hurting you so much I really hope that you won't set this up again!!
ZiggyZoo Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Has anyone suggested "Baggage Reclaim", the website, to you yet? If not, I'd strongly suggest you head over and check out all the excellent advice and insights she gives about emotionally unavailable men. I was involved with one myself, and that site saved my sanity and really, really helped me heal. Just a thought.
Author irresolute Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 zahara I don't know if I loved him. I got scared to death when I sensed closeness from him. But I got desperated when He withdrew. Now I just don't know, but not being able to contact him makes me feel I was in love with him indeed. And I thnk he was too but he got scared, just like myself. Either way, what it's done it's done and I have no choice than to move on from this situation. One minute I miss him, the other minute I think he's garbage.
Author irresolute Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 There are people out there who will deceive you, play games, give you BS. But once you've spent time building up your self-esteem and figuring out what you want out of a relationship, it becomes easier to wade through the people who mean you harm. Once you've spent time on your own and become okay with that, you won't settle for people who treat you poorly. You won't be so concerned with finding anyone to fill up space that you will actually try to find quality people. I think you need to make it a point to be alone for awhile. I mean voluntarily alone. Work on your self-esteem and do things for yourself. Little by little, you will learn that you don't need someone to fill that hole for you, especially someone who is just using you. I think we both used each other. I wanted love and he wanted sex and we both lied about many things in order to achieve our goals. I have a strange attraction for mind games (this doesn't give you permission quattob or however you are to offend me with your sour comments) and I think that has to change. I'm working on that.
Author irresolute Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 Has anyone suggested "Baggage Reclaim", the website, to you yet? If not, I'd strongly suggest you head over and check out all the excellent advice and insights she gives about emotionally unavailable men. I was involved with one myself, and that site saved my sanity and really, really helped me heal. Just a thought. I've read that blog. I've also read her book. Mr unavailable and the fallback girl. It's very informative and useful. I just don't want to read it again because it'll make me feel more miserable than I'm feeling right now
Zahara Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 zahara I don't know if I loved him. I got scared to death when I sensed closeness from him. But I got desperated when He withdrew. Now I just don't know, but not being able to contact him makes me feel I was in love with him indeed. And I thnk he was too but he got scared, just like myself. Either way, what it's done it's done and I have no choice than to move on from this situation. One minute I miss him, the other minute I think he's garbage. I think that sometimes people mistake the drama as love/passion. Honestly, I think you told him you loved him because you wanted a reaction. I think in your head you were going, if I tell him I love him, then he'll respond to me, and maybe he'll tell me the same and then maybe we won't have this push and pull anymore. I don't think you really loved him, but likely the idea of being in love and wanting it so badly. Plus, sex makes you wonky and feeling love/attached. Not being in contact makes you feel like you love him because you're missing him and what you had. All the good times are flooding your mind and you're romanticizing. It's going to be okay. It's a crap process to go through but you'll get past this.
Author irresolute Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 It felt good to be falling in love or whatever that feeling was. I felt like a warm sensation in my tummy and the idea of summer, flowers, the beach, dinning in Hawaii. At the same time scared me. I realized he responded to drama very well, so I kept bringing more drama to the picture. I'm reading other threads about people who is sad because their exes broke up with them but still contacts them and I'm so tented to text him that I'm hurting or whatever. It's like I want more drama. I crave drama and attention. In five minutes I'm having my DBT weekly group. Thanks God
Diezel Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 This whole situation stinks. I saw your other thread. You are worrying about the wrong things. You think what HE did was selfish? You telling him that you were in love with him was pretty much the same act of selfishness. You made a thread complaining about how you don't want him around but then you tell him that you love him and then that you are in love with him? You have more important things to figure out about yourself than figuring out why this guy is visiting your profile. Clearly he has no committed interest in you, so who cares what he is doing with your online profile. Maybe you should just take it down on focus on you for a while.
Author irresolute Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 This whole situation stinks. I saw your other thread. You are worrying about the wrong things. You think what HE did was selfish? You telling him that you were in love with him was pretty much the same act of selfishness. You made a thread complaining about how you don't want him around but then you tell him that you love him and then that you are in love with him? You have more important things to figure out about yourself than figuring out why this guy is visiting your profile. Clearly he has no committed interest in you, so who cares what he is doing with your online profile. Maybe you should just take it down on focus on you for a while. Am I sensing some resentment here? Not sure why people get so upset with me and my threads. You don't have to read or reply if you don't want to. But thank you. It open my eyes when people say he was not commited interest to me in any way. Actually, I woke up feeling really sad, because the truth is he said I love you just to keep me around, not because he meant it. Very sad.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 10, 2015 Posted March 10, 2015 Am I sensing some resentment here? Not sure why people get so upset with me and my threads. You don't have to read or reply if you don't want to. But thank you. It open my eyes when people say he was not commited interest to me in any way. Actually, I woke up feeling really sad, because the truth is he said I love you just to keep me around, not because he meant it. Very sad. Not resentment, OP. Just the fact that your posts all contradict each other and make it frustrating for us to even try to help you. By the way, how old are you? I don't know why you are looking for love on adult friend finder, when you know sleazy sites such as this only perpetuates women getting hurt. Based on your posts alone, you really don't know your own self-worth otherwise you wouldn't place so much emphasis on him just for the fact that he said "I love you". My ex loved me but he left me for another woman, so what does that tell you? No, I'm not bitter, but it just goes to show that men are capable of telling sweet lies and we are more than capable of falling for bs. Nobody can take care of you except yourself. Learn to have boundaries and also pay more attention to action than what someone is telling you.
Author irresolute Posted March 10, 2015 Author Posted March 10, 2015 Not resentment, OP. Just the fact that your posts all contradict each other and make it frustrating for us to even try to help you. By the way, how old are you? I don't know why you are looking for love on adult friend finder, when you know sleazy sites such as this only perpetuates women getting hurt. Based on your posts alone, you really don't know your own self-worth otherwise you wouldn't place so much emphasis on him just for the fact that he said "I love you". My ex loved me but he left me for another woman, so what does that tell you? No, I'm not bitter, but it just goes to show that men are capable of telling sweet lies and we are more than capable of falling for bs. Nobody can take care of you except yourself. Learn to have boundaries and also pay more attention to action than what someone is telling you. I don't want to perpetuate this, but his actions proved me he was into me. You know when someone likes you. However, his online behavior contradicted some of his acts and words. Him not looking for me online for example. Him wanting to chat with other women or even meeting other women. A Valentine's gift in his kitchen. Him not even calling me for valentines. I'm thirty something. And I'm learning to take care of myself. I just don't know hiw. My parents abandoned me when I was a kid, for different reasons. So it's hard for me to love myself if not even my mom loved me. Whatever. Thanks for your reply
Author irresolute Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Yesterday I texted him. I couldn't refrain myself because the pain was just too much. He didn't even read my text for the first 20 min. I texted again asking if he was mad. He replied he was busy at the moment if we could talk later. I replied I didn't want to be mad. He then said he was not mad but I was, so he had to live with that as he didn't have a choice. I replied I didn't have a choice either but then he didn't even read it. Two hours later I texted goodnight and he texted he was sorry he was still busy then goodnight. This morning I texted him good morning hope your days good. He replied hope my day is good too. He is just acting weird, like he's mad at me. Even writing this is just too painful to digest. Sounds desperate, I realize about this. I don't even comprehend what force is driving me to still contact him. I wonder if this all is worth it at the end. I was planning to text him tonight so he'll get used to my texts again and everything will be good again. But now I'm thinking maybe all this effort is just not worth it.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Yesterday I texted him. I couldn't refrain myself because the pain was just too much. He didn't even read my text for the first 20 min. I texted again asking if he was mad. He replied he was busy at the moment if we could talk later. I replied I didn't want to be mad. He then said he was not mad but I was, so he had to live with that as he didn't have a choice. I replied I didn't have a choice either but then he didn't even read it. Two hours later I texted goodnight and he texted he was sorry he was still busy then goodnight. This morning I texted him good morning hope your days good. He replied hope my day is good too. He is just acting weird, like he's mad at me. Even writing this is just too painful to digest. Sounds desperate, I realize about this. I don't even comprehend what force is driving me to still contact him. I wonder if this all is worth it at the end. I was planning to text him tonight so he'll get used to my texts again and everything will be good again. But now I'm thinking maybe all this effort is just not worth it. This is a first-class ticket to nowhere.
Author irresolute Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) This is a first-class ticket to nowhere. He's still replying... Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me at all, but he's still replying to me. Mad or whatever but replying. Maybe I could start texting him non stop so he blocks me or ignores me so I'll know he's decided to stop contact... Yeah, I might swamp him with texts so I'll get some reaction from him. He's such a calm person that gets my nerves Edited March 12, 2015 by irresolute
Zahara Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Irresolute, you've mentioned the destructive results when you chase a man. You know it never gets you what you want. You're chasing. Simon is right, if anything, this is a done deal. I don't think he is mad. I think he is getting turned off. Desperation isn't attractive. Your fears of being abandoned have been triggered. The way to deal with it is to push through and overcome, not to enable by engaging in what perpetuates those feelings. The latter only keeps you spinning the wheel.
Diezel Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 He's still replying... Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me at all, but he's still replying to me. Mad or whatever but replying. Maybe I could start texting him non stop so he blocks me or ignores me so I'll know he's decided to stop contact... Yeah, I might swamp him with texts so I'll get some reaction from him. He's such a calm person that gets my nerves You do comprehend what you are saying, right?
Simon Phoenix Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 He's still replying... Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me at all, but he's still replying to me. Mad or whatever but replying. Maybe I could start texting him non stop so he blocks me or ignores me so I'll know he's decided to stop contact... Yeah, I might swamp him with texts so I'll get some reaction from him. He's such a calm person that gets my nerves Of course he is. He's keeping the option open for sex, as any man would. There are two ways this could go, neither of which are good for you. 1. You become the clingy psycho girl who frightens him eventually or 2. You become the desperate slampiece. There's no other option -- there is no way this man will ever be into you romantically if you continue to act like this. I mean, he probably wouldn't be anyway, but this would guarantee your demise in his eyes.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Also, you just posted this in another thread. I think it will apply to you in this thread if you continue your destructive behavior. You need to stop. You look desperate and miserable and if you don't stop harassing her, she'll probably call the police. I'd be scared of you too, you sound obsessively addicted. She said she doesn't want you, how do you think this is gonna change? It's not. She's probably feeling pity and I don't think that's good at all. Gezzz I feel for you, but if you want to survive from this situation you must get help and exercise self control. Otherwise this will not have a happy end for you. 1
SleekArchitecture Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Let me get this right, you are looking for a deep and meaningful connection on a sex site? You are going to text non stop to the point a judge would easily sign a restraining order? This cycling is insane. What are you getting out of this? I am sure we have all had our own moments of insanity, but the difference is we were not as aware as you are that it was occurring.
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