Ex contacted me, should I respond?

[Jonp219]

Yes -- you must work on these issues.

 

Verbal abuse, especially at your age, is a major red flag. If you don't get these impulses under control, they're going to escalate as you get older. You might think it's isolated behavior due to a specific situation, but this isn't the case. The issue is with you -- and with impulse control -- and with an ability to rationalize unacceptable behavior in the moment.

 

So, no. You crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed in that relationship.

 

The good news is, you can work on yourself in therapy and grow and have healthier relationships in the future!

 

I don't really want healthy relationships in the future if its not with her...

 

I will do my best to change, I know I will.

 

She told me she needs time to heal from it all. and that she was scared of me.

 

She's putting everything I've ever said into her head, but that was when I last spoke to her about 2 weeks ago.

 

This time away will give us time to work on ourselves and cool off from the break up.

Edited March 7, 2015 by Jonp219

[Ruby65]

That's the problem -- SHE doesn't need to work on herself.

 

If you've been abusive then YOU need to work on yourself. Alone. Outside of any relationship.

 

This isn't her problem, it isn't her issue. Abuse stands alone, with cheating, as a drop-dead dealbreaker and that's not just with her but with every relationship you have for the rest of your life.

[Jonp219]

That's the problem -- SHE doesn't need to work on herself.

 

If you've been abusive then YOU need to work on yourself. Alone. Outside of any relationship.

 

This isn't her problem, it isn't her issue. Abuse stands alone, with cheating, as a drop-dead dealbreaker and that's not just with her but with every relationship you have for the rest of your life.

 

That's what I'm doing.

 

This will tip the scale and even it out.

 

Me and her have stayed together in hotels away from everything several times for 3-4 days and we RARELY fight and if we it's a healthy argument, which is weird.

 

When I'm not giving in to my impulses we're pretty good, which is what hurts me the most. I'm letting a good woman go because of my nonsense, I can't live with myself knowing I did that.

[Ruby65]

Yes: abuse will cost you every relationship you have, until you get to the core reasons and learn better coping techniques.

 

But this is done. She's AFRAID of you. She should be.

[Jonp219]

Yes: abuse will cost you every relationship you have, until you get to the core reasons and learn better coping techniques.

 

But this is done. She's AFRAID of you. She should be.

 

She knows the REAL me and once I get this under control we can go from there. There have been many couples who've come back from this, the trust needs to be earned again.

 

If she doesn't take me back then that's it I'm done, I'm not dating again, and I'm isolating myself from woman for good. I'm moving out of my city and going to go be on my own. And I hate my own company so it's going to be a miserable life. *shrugs*

 

I can't live with myself knowing what I let go. I can't forgive myself knowing what an awful human being I've been. She was so loving and caring and I pushed her away by putting my shield up.

 

I want to make it work so bad, I'm truly regretful of my actions.

[Ruby65]

You're in denial.

 

The REAL you is an abuser.

 

Here's the truth: most abusers never recover. Why? Because they deny they have a problem. Because, on some level, they always find a way to blame the victim.

 

Regret, promising to improve.... those are parts of the CYCLE OF ABUSE.

 

You're young and you really can overcome this and beat the odds. Keep with your therapy. But no, you need to leave this girl alone. Don't contact her, let her move on.

[Jonp219]

You're in denial.

 

The REAL you is an abuser.

 

Here's the truth: most abusers never recover. Why? Because they deny they have a problem. Because, on some level, they always find a way to blame the victim.

 

Regret, promising to improve.... those are parts of the CYCLE OF ABUSE.

 

You're young and you really can overcome this and beat the odds. Keep with your therapy. But no, you need to leave this girl alone. Don't contact her, let her move on.

 

I will get better AND I will reach out to her one day.

Thank you for your opinion though.

 

And im already doing something to fix these problems so no I'm moving pass that cycle of abuse, most abuser haven't done what I'm doing now.

 

And for the record I haven't blamed her for anything, I've taken full responsibility for my actions. I told all my loved ones the truth and they understand her reasons for leaving but support me on my path to getting better. I haven't bashed nor blamed her for any of this, this is all my doing.

Edited March 7, 2015 by Jonp219

[Jonp219]

I will get better AND I will reach out to her one day.

Thank you for your opinion though.

 

And im already doing something to fix these problems so no I'm moving pass that cycle of abuse, most abuser haven't done what I'm doing now.

 

And for the record I haven't blamed her for anything, I've taken full responsibility for my actions. I told all my loved ones the truth and they understand her reasons for leaving but support me on my path to getting better. I haven't bashed nor blamed her for any of this, this is all my doing.

 

Ruby do you have any experience in an abusive relationship? I feel like you do...

[Ruby65]

Let's just say, I know enough about it to recognize that you're an abuser and that you're in denial about the scope of your problem.

 

What you need to understand is that, unless you work hard to learn new coping techniques, this behavior only gets worse. It never gets better on its own.

[Jonp219]

Let's just say, I know enough about it to recognize that you're an abuser and that you're in denial about the scope of your problem.

 

What you need to understand is that, unless you work hard to learn new coping techniques, this behavior only gets worse. It never gets better on its own.

 

But that's what I've been doing. Look, I just love this girl a lot she's very first true love.

 

And I know a thing or two about abusive relationships too I grew up around one all my life. I've seen what my dad could do and it was ugly, but I also used his behavior as a defense mechanism when I use to get bullied in school (looks like I got use to it).

 

I understand abusers never change and that's because they don't want to change. Ever since my mom left my father he's been in deep regret but he still hasn't seen someone so he can try to fix his bad habits.

 

This break up was a monumental wake up call for me. I've never been more humbled in life. Me and this girl had lots of fun, we talked about anything and everything. We saw a future together, I don't know how likely it is still, but I'm making a valid effort to truly change. All patterns are meant to be broken, I will not put my children in the same situation my dad put me.

 

I hope you can see the sincerity in my words and recognize that I don't want this to continue. I really do want to change.

 

My psychologist said if I can truly put my mind to it I will change, it will take commitment and a lot of effort but I'm ready for that challenge. Especially since cognitive behavioral therapy is very effective even more affective than individual psychotherapy.

Edited March 7, 2015 by Jonp219

[Ruby65]

I sincerely believe you want her back.

 

I sincerely believe you will do and say anything to get her back.

 

However, the true test for you -- in life, beyond this young relationship that's over -- is whether or not you'll continue to get help and learn new coping techniques and bring those techniques into your future relationships.

[Jonp219]

I sincerely believe you want her back.

 

I sincerely believe you will do and say anything to get her back.

 

However, the true test for you -- in life, beyond this young relationship that's over -- is whether or not you'll continue to get help and learn new coping techniques and bring those techniques into your future relationships.

 

I do want her back.

 

And to be honest with you the hardest thing I ever had to do is give up my control right in the mist of the break up. When we broke up I wanted to go to her job, meet her at her house, continue to call her, text her, and email her etc. However, I didn't I left it alone for 2 weeks, I went to a corner I cried, and just took the pain of letting her go because I knew how much she needed to be alone. I tired to reconcile one last time 2 weeks ago, she wasn't convinced and that was it. You know how difficult it is for an abuser to give up control? It's practically the very foundation of an abuser.

 

I already told my mother I'm going to continue therapy after I'm done with this semester, and if I don't, I want her to kick me out of her home. I've even been trying certain coping techniques I've learned online. It's difficult trying to block your mind out of negativity, but I'm getting the hang of it.

 

The last month felt like a year. I had to do a lot of soul searching and I had to reconnect with lost friends. I feel like I needed this but nonetheless, it hurts like hell. :'(

 

I know I can transform for the better.

Edited March 7, 2015 by Jonp219

[Simon Phoenix]

Jonp, you need to stop threadjacking other people's threads with your stuff. The OP's story just got lost. I'd suggest re-starting this conversation in one of your threads.

[Jonp219]

Jonp, you need to stop threadjacking other people's threads with your stuff. The OP's story just got lost. I'd suggest re-starting this conversation in one of your threads.

 

My apologies Simon and the OP

 

My response to the OP would be, I would check out what she has to say. However, don't let her play with you or lead you on. You should also ask yourself if you really want to get back with this girl, considering the fact that you're seeing other people (maybe you rather move on idk). Since she's contacting you just hear her out but don't get lost in the shuffle of her words. Make your desires known right away.

[Simon Phoenix]

My apologies Simon and the OP

 

My response to the OP would be, I would check out what she has to say. However, don't let her play with you or lead you on. You should also ask yourself if you really want to get back with this girl, considering the fact that you're seeing other people (maybe you rather move on idk). Since she's contacting you just hear her out but don't get lost in the shuffle of her words. Make your desires known right away.

 

Don't agree with this advice but thanks for getting this thread back on track

[Jonp219]

Don't agree with this advice but thanks for getting this thread back on track

 

I'm going to backtrack a little lol

 

I noticed he said he isn't in a good state of mind to respond to her. In that case, I think you should stay NC.

[Kevin_D]

Verbal abuse, especially at your age, is a major red flag.

 

I don't agree with you at all. I could say a lot of nasty things when I was younger, but it has gotten better for every year. People who are verbally abusive are usually insecure, but they seldom lack empathy.

 

I'd rather have someone screaming "You're a wortless piece of ****" straight to my face for five minutes, than having me go through REAL psychological abuse (gaslighting, manipulation, lying).

 

Nobody is perfect. Some people bottle up their emotions, other make a scene right a way. This is part of being human. I would never consider these reactions a deal-breaker, unless it was obvious that my SO was in denial that the behavior was unacceptable.

[Ruby65]

There's a difference between losing your temper and cursing at someone... and abuse.

 

JonP recognizes he has a problem and a family history of abuse.

 

Do you REALLY need to help him minimize this issue?

 

ANYHOW -- it's not his thread!! Let's stick to the topic.

[Jonp219]

I will get better AND I will reach out to her one day.

Thank you for your opinion though.

 

And im already doing something to fix these problems so no I'm moving pass that cycle of abuse, most abuser haven't done what I'm doing now.

 

And for the record I haven't blamed her for anything, I've taken full responsibility for my actions. I told all my loved ones the truth and they understand her reasons for leaving but support me on my path to getting better. I haven't bashed nor blamed her for any of this, this is all my doing.

 

Hey Kev thanks.

 

Seriously, I think it all comes down to a persons threshold of abuse. Either way I will continue with my therapy and try to aliviate this issue. Although it might not be a deal breaker (for certain people) I still have to learn how to control my anger. Ms. Ruby is right, I can't undermine my issues they need to be dealt with immediately.

 

Now let's give the OP his thread back

 

I have some threads I've put up earlier in the week, if you want to discuss this more you can post on those threads

[AIJ]

So I did end up contacting her, last Sunday. I messaged her and this is basically how the conversation went:

 

'What website did you use to watch AHS season 4?' - I didn't actually care, I just wanted to see how she'd respond to me reopening the lines of communication.

 

She read it. Waited 20 minutes, and responded with:

'couch tuner'

'I think'

'idk'

'you on Xbox?'

 

I waited around half an hour to respond, during this time, she followed me on Twitter. Very weird. Anyway I said:

'thanks & nope'

 

I figured the reason she asked me if I was on Xbox was because the boy I'm kind of confident she's now seeing added me on there a few weeks back. I found this odd. It's like she was trying to get at me through him.

 

Immediately she responded with 'K'.

 

I never followed her back on Twitter, 2 hours later, she unfollowed me. Found it really odd that as soon as I contacted her, she jumped at the chance to follow me on Twitter. I feel like I'm clinging on to false hope for dear life here, which is a bit sad really. I can't seem to get over her.

[chados]

i dont have time reading all posts, but you can read a message if its not to long even if you dont log in. but anyways.. ive been in the same situation and almost always they will text you at one point. i mean she knows where you live and if shes really that interested she will let you know. if you end up answering or if you already have then just keep it friendly and let her do the talk

[Simon Phoenix]

So I did end up contacting her, last Sunday. I messaged her and this is basically how the conversation went:

 

'What website did you use to watch AHS season 4?' - I didn't actually care, I just wanted to see how she'd respond to me reopening the lines of communication.

 

She read it. Waited 20 minutes, and responded with:

'couch tuner'

'I think'

'idk'

'you on Xbox?'

 

I waited around half an hour to respond, during this time, she followed me on Twitter. Very weird. Anyway I said:

'thanks & nope'

 

I figured the reason she asked me if I was on Xbox was because the boy I'm kind of confident she's now seeing added me on there a few weeks back. I found this odd. It's like she was trying to get at me through him.

 

Immediately she responded with 'K'.

 

I never followed her back on Twitter, 2 hours later, she unfollowed me. Found it really odd that as soon as I contacted her, she jumped at the chance to follow me on Twitter. I feel like I'm clinging on to false hope for dear life here, which is a bit sad really. I can't seem to get over her.

 

Yeah, you need to stop responding. There's nothing there worth a damn. All responding is doing is keeping you in the muck.