pygora1994 Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I want to quit smoking. Its come to the point where I don't find smoking as enjoyable as I used to. I never intended to smoke as much as I do, but addiction happened. I have cut back drastically from two packs a week to about two packs a month. I have gotten to the point where I don't smoke daily, but I still smoke occasionally My boyfriend smokes as well. I know he has cut back since I have started dating him from maybe half a pack to a 2-3 a day usually less if I spend the weekend with him. As dumb as it sounds I like smoking with him, I know its a stupid habit, and a poor decision, but when I am around him its hard to resist smoking with him. He doesn't pressure me into smoking though. He does say he plans on quitting at some point down the road, but has never made a firm commitment towards it. We do have solid chemistry and I do love him. I wouldn't leave him over him smoking since I am guilty of the same thing and that would just make me a hypocrite. I do want him to quit with me though, but I don't want to pressure him to quit if he truly wants to. I want him to quit for himself and not base it on my desires (I do feel a contradicted because part of its selfish and part of it is that I care about him). I want to be encouraging, but I don't know exactly how to bring up the subject gently.
Eighty_nine Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I don't have any advice but know exactly what you mean. I smoke about two packs a month (increased from one a month when I met him), but he smokes 2-3 packs a week. I don't want to smoke but it's very hard not to when I'm always around him (although I asked him to smoke less in front of me, and he does smoke less now). I've suggested he cut down, but feel like it's not fair to pressure him to do that.
contact1 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Since he has mentioned wanting to quit, it wouldn't hurt to bring it up that you are considering quitting and wondering if he could join in with you. so that the two of you can help each other through it. As long as you accept what he says, it should be fine. I don't have much knowledge on the actual quitting, as I have never smoked in my life and honestly can't stand it, it is probably one of the very few instant deal breakers I have with women, they can not be a smoker.
Author pygora1994 Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Since he has mentioned wanting to quit, it wouldn't hurt to bring it up that you are considering quitting and wondering if he could join in with you. so that the two of you can help each other through it. As long as you accept what he says, it should be fine. I don't have much knowledge on the actual quitting, as I have never smoked in my life and honestly can't stand it, it is probably one of the very few instant deal breakers I have with women, they can not be a smoker. Smoking is the dumbest I have ever done (and I have done a lot of stupid things in my relatively short life). For what you get its a waste of money, and a stupid reason to ruin your long term health. I wouldn't date a smoker if I wasn't a smoker. I would have preferred him to have been a non-smoker, but I can't be a hypocrite. I want him to quit, but I don't want him to quit for me. I want him to quit for himself. Its a small, but important distinction of motivation. If I for some reason left his life, he wouldn't have any reason to stay quit if he did it for me. One of my friends quit recently for her boyfriend, and as soon as they had problems she started smoking again, and when it was fixed she quit again. I want him to want it. I believe he is slowly inching towards getting motivated to quit. I don't know he's ready, but I want to encourage him if I can do it and not sound patronizing or being a nag.
mightycpa Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 I want him to quit, but I don't want him to quit for me. I want him to quit for himself.... I want him to want it. I believe he is slowly inching towards getting motivated to quit. I don't know he's ready, but I want to encourage him if I can do it and not sound patronizing or being a nag. Then leave him alone about it. I used to smoke a pack a day. Now I'm down to one (cig) every five years or so. Those are the best!
Arieswoman Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 pygora1994, I'm afraid that there isn't a lot you can do about your bf smoking. People come to things in their own time. He'll quit when he's ready - or maybe not at all, so be prepared for that. I stopped smoking many years ago but my husband smoked when I met him. I accepted that and never put any pressure on him to quit. He told me that "when a specialist tells me to stop, I'll stop". I told him that by the time he got to that stage it would probably be too late. He carried on puffing away. Then he had an episode of gastritis and had to go to A&E/emergency room because he was vomiting blood. The doctor on duty told him it was exacerbated by smoking. He stopped at that moment, and has never smoked since. Sometimes it needs a short, sharp shock to change people's viewpoint other times people come around to the idea slowly. I hope your bf thinks about it seriously, but it must come from him.
Author pygora1994 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 I did end up talking to him about smoking. He brought it up, we talked about the fact that several people close to him recently and why I was quitting smoking. We brought up health issues. That I wanted to quit before It seriously impacted my health, and I didn't want to wind up with lung cancer or sitting around the house on oxygen when I retire. He said he really didn't see much of a point in smoking anymore, and that he wanted to focus on slowly cutting back and weaning himself off. Ended up talking about strategies to deal with craving. He agreed that he really didn't get much out of smoking, and it was mostly just a waste of money. He believed that for him it was mostly psychological. He had become used to smoking when he did certain things, or was at certain places. He set an intermediate goal of getting down to one a day. I don't think he was prepared to say he wanted to quit, but I think he got a lot closer to making that decision. I did remind him that it was a personal decision for him, and I cared about him either way.
Imported Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 (edited) I workout a lot. I eat healthy or I cut calories like crazy if need be. I drink. A lot. I don't smoke...cigarettes, but I will enjoy a cigar every now and again. I actually like the romeo and julliet ones over the montecristo's. How long do I want to live? As I get older, I don't really care, as long as I enjoy every second that I live. I'm not actually that adamant about it, because sometimes I'd rather get some sleep. edit....just wanted to say...**** the health issues. I use to think smoking was bad for the health, but now I think *******s are worse for your health. Only thing I really have against smoking is that it stinks. It is just horrid on your breath. I smoke a cigar and I rinse my throat out with acid after. If I started dating a girl that knew all that about me and wanted me to quite drinking and smoking cigars with her, she'd have to leave. That's it. She would have to exit. edit again: Also, I'd never date a smoker (other than smoking on some fun nights every so often). But I wouldn't expect them to stop if I did. Edited March 9, 2015 by Imported
Author pygora1994 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 If I started dating a girl that knew all that about me and wanted me to quite drinking and smoking cigars with her, she'd have to leave. That's it. She would have to exit. edit again: Also, I'd never date a smoker (other than smoking on some fun nights every so often). But I wouldn't expect them to stop if I did. Thankfully, I'm a guy, and my relationship with my boyfriend is such that I can discuss my feelings on things without fear, and he knows at the end of the day I respect his wishes even if I don't always disagree with them. My boyfriend and I are open with each other about the things we want, and the things we do. If we are unhappy about something we tell each other because its better than letting problems grow out of sight. I have never, and will never place any sort of ultimatum on him because I don't believe in that kind of manipulation. Yes, I would like him to quit smoking with me, and live a healthier lifestyle. If it was the other way around, I would be grateful that my partner has my best interests at heart. I think its healthy for partners to want the best for their partner. I don't think its anything different than encourage your partner to eat healthy, or exercise, or study hard for a test. Partners should encourage each other to be a better person each day, and not want to be stagnant and not develop. I don't think they should be patronizing or lecture them on things they already know, but be as supportive as possible. We both started this relationship as smokers. Thats the baseline, but we both grow and change over time, its reasonable that maybe the times have changed enough for both of us to have a new opinion on smoking. I think when one of us changes that it presents an opportunity, when presented the right way, for us to both change together maybe for the better. That's what I am looking for in advice. How to talk about my change in how I view smoking, and talk to him about his change in behavior towards smoking to start a discussion about leading healthier lives. I don't judge, but I try and understand always.
catchthedrift Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I would just bring it up if I were you. Approach it in a way that is supportive and not pushing. After all, you want to do this together. It's always better to have someone support you through a difficult time, and this will be a difficult time. All the best to you.
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