IHML24 Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 (Not my native language) She leaves me after 6 years. I meet this girl 6 years ago. She was 17 and i was 18. We did everything together we loved each others friends and we never had any "big arguments". I was willing to sacrifice my all for her. It was jut now this past Christmas that noticed that she was down. she spent a lot of time on her ipad and phone. started notice that she changed her facebook profile picture very often. But i thought it was just a faze. we both have been working. she was working a lot of weekends and i was working regular weekdays. the past year we did not do a lot of activities together. Maybe 4-5 days after a very nice new years celebration with friends she was sitting on the couch crying when i came home. I was trying make her happy asking what was bothering her. She told me she wanted to move out of the apartment. She said that i was the nicest guy she new but she just couldn't live like this anymore. I was in shock. I started crying as well. trying tell that we can get through this together, that we can change the way we live and what we do. But she said its to late for that. Its been this way to long. We live in Stockholm and it is really hard to rent an aprtment. We lived together for almost a month even though she had broke up with me. I would go to work and cry my eyes out in bathroom, as soon as i got home i was happy to see her still there. we would kiss some times, go for long walks and talk. But I could never get anything good out of it. One day I came home and she told me that she got an apartment for 6 months and that she is leaving in couple of days. I started to feel nauseated. my chest and stomach was hurting and i was burning inside. I deleted my facebook account didnt answer any phonecalls or texts from friends. Beacause i was so ashamed that i had lost her. the word got out and my brother went to my apartment to check on me. I broke down completly and told him the story. after a while I started talking to my friends again and they were very supportive. They told me to get a dating app called tinder. Not to find love again but just to meet new girls to talk to. To get my min off of her. I agreed and started to meet a couple of girls but i would just feel sick like if i was cheating on her. Days went by and as i was swiping through Tinder I saw her! She was on it. I liked her profile hope she would like mine, but she hasn't. So all these horrible feelings came back to me. Just now recently she wrote to me on facebook to see if she could get he stuff. I said sure. She would only come to the apartment when i was at work. Never on the weekends or when i got off work. I had confronted her on the facebookchatt because I guess I needed some kind of closure. She wrote to me and told me this story about how her parents had broken up ones but got back thogether. She also wrote this. "I'm not going to go out and find some other guy. I just need to be alone and think about what i want to do with m life. Study,move,work or travel. I just want you to know that I think WE need this. I have loved you the entire time I've been with you. I just don't feel happy right now. I need to process this and feel happy again. You are the nicest guy in the world and I hate myself for hurting you. You are not worthie of this pain." How am i supposed to understand this? She gets tinder probably to date other guys. Yet she leaves me with this hope. What am i supposed to do? What if I just wait for her and she finds someone else? I have never been in her way of what she want to do!! She could travel study when she was with me. I even encouraged her to try different things. All my friends gives me different answers. But I dont know what is right and I cant continue living like this. Some one help me please!!!!
Chi townD Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Yeah dude, She tells you that she's not out looking for a guy; yet you find her on tinder. The sad fact is, you met her when she was 18. What we want out of life in our teenage years is completely different when we hit our twenties. We're not the same people and her problem is, for her entire young adult life, the only person she knows is you No other experiences. So, she's probably got the case of the GIGS "Grass is Greener Syndrome". So, you need to go NC on her. NO CONTACT! Block her on all social media and ignore all texts and phonecalls. Time to heal and move on. Dude, she was filling you with false hope to string you along. To keep you as a backup plan if her life starts to go down the drain. Like, if she can't renew her rental agreement in six months, she'll still have you around to save her. So, don't be around. She made a choice, and that choice was to have you out of her life. So, give her what she's asking for. She needs to see what life is going to be like with out you in it. Without you to be that shoulder to lean on. 4
mightycpa Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Yeah dude, She tells you that she's not out looking for a guy; yet you find her on tinder. You noticed that too, huh? OP, you may be tempted to confront her about this. Being lied to feels worse than being ignored, I think. But Chi townD is right on the money. Erase her. She's not looking out for your best interests, and apparently she'll say anything not to look bad. You probably do not want to see what she's really up to, so do everything you can to avoid her.
Tolu2d Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Grass is greener syndrome. Just be polite and then start NC. 1
Kevin_D Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Hello there fellow Stockholmer! Let me tell, you this is spreading like a virus in our city. Stockholm has an insane amount of single-person househoulds. I'm sure there are plenty of reasons for this, but I'd say two "newer" explanations are social media and the fact that gender equality rights almost has become a religion. Almost every male friend I have is single and almost every single one of them was dumped after a LTR. I was left by my gf of 6.5 years a little over a year ago. She was 17 when we met, just like your ex, and in the beginning she didn't even use social media. In the end, it was like a night out was ruined if her mobile phone ran out of batteries. If I wrote something on Facebook that her friends didn't like, she would get really angry at me. And in the end, she left me for some guy she talked to on Facebook, who of course, had tons of hot Facebook admires. Women in our city are taught to never be satisfied. I'm sure you've seen their reaction when one of their friends break the news that they've broken up with their SO (clue: It's not (aww, I'm sorry it didn't work out!). It's like the mixture of the picture-perfect facades on social media and all the talk about gender equality rights, has created a situation where young women always expect more. And if they're not happy, it's usually their partner's fault. As if this wasn't enough, it's also the typical GIGS scenario: Young girl enters a fairytale romances. After a few year, some of the initial attraction is lost and she begins to wonder "what if he's not my soul mate?". But she's still having a blast with him and tries not to think about it. Then one day she realises that she will soon be 25. She's getting old! Soon, she won't be able to go out clubbing with her friends anymore. She won't have guys hitting on her all the time. If she doesn't do it NOW, it will be too late! I know how it feels. My best advice, apart from going NC, is to keep reminding yourself that there was no way you could stop this. The external forces are too strong. It wouldn't have mattered if you were a young Brad Pitt with a luxury home and a yacht. This is the result of women failing to accept that life isn't a Hollywood movie. Please keep us updated with your situation. Take care! 2
geronimo Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Couldn't have agreed more with everyone on here, especially Kevin. I went through the exact same thing, ex left me after 5 years, we started dating when I was 17. Its the classic case of GIGS, forget her move on, she'll soon realize what else the world has to offer and usually its not great. If you treated her well and had a good relationship like I believe I did then you have absolutely nothing to worry about, you will find someone better than her who will value you and won't run away pursuing "better" things. My ex started dating someone right after she broke up with me, I know its all fairy tales and lala land now but it'll soon hit her too. Either way forget her, move on trust me you deserve better.
Author IHML24 Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Thank you for the replies! Sorry i was so upset when i wrote this thread so the paragraphing suffered. I was talking to my mother yesterday. She is friends with a women who is friend with my Ex's mother. They had been talking about my ex and I. Apparently my ex had called home last weekend to her mother crying and feeling lonely. My mother told me that she is not saying this to give me hope, but to tell me that she is not doing any better. For right now removing her from facebook is not an option. I have like her entire family befriended. cousins, uncles, aunts, you name it. The truth is that I'm not mad at her, just disappointed. The fact that some of you have experienced this helps. Most of my friends are either single or are in a 1-2 year old relationship. My questions right now are. If she is so sad and feeling lonely (according to my mothers friend.) Does she feel to much pride in coming back? Her mother wrote a text to me recently. I quote "Understand that it is hard right now. We are thinking about you and hope that this will solve it self in the best way possible. Hugs and best wishes from us." I responded. "Thank you, I like your daughter, but I think its for the best If this is what makes her truly happy" Her mothers response. "I think its for the best as well. My husband and I had a break when we where together. Look at us now, happily married and two children. You never now what will happen. ;-) Take care." We have shared so much friends, family and interests. I feel like its going to be impossible to avoid her. Does any one have any tips of what makes this process of not thinking about this easier?
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 The takeaway here: she'd rather feel LONELY than be with you. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com 3
Kevin_D Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 We have shared so much friends, family and interests. I feel like its going to be impossible to avoid her. Does any one have any tips of what makes this process of not thinking about this easier? 1. BLOCK your ex AND all mutual friends on social media. If you want to, you can send them a short message and explain the situation. It's a question before your ex will start posting pictures of herself posing in skimpy posing with other guys. She will brag about how great her life is and she will make it clear that she was the one who initiated the breakup. I can tell you're still in the denial phase, but you have to accept that your ex probably already has slept with somebody else and most likely isn't coming back. I want you to visualize your ex kissing every inch of another dude's body. Do you want really want to see that guy pop up in your news feed? Didn't think so. 2. Realise that her relatives and friends will always believe the things she says. She doesn't want to look like a bad person, and that means you're going to be the bad person! Because of this, it will be impossible to have a normal friendship with them. 3. Accept that she isn't coming back. Young women are very stubborn. If they come back, they have to admit that they made a mistake. She has convinced all her friends and relatives that she dodged a bullet. She is a strong, independent woman who finally grew tired of your **** and up and left. Even if she feels lonely now, it will take YEARS for her to admit that she made a mistake. And most likely, that day will never come. *** When I first came to these boards, I got really angry at some of the advices I got. I was convinced that my situation was different, that my ex wouldn't lie to me, that there wasn't anybody else in the picture, that she would begin to miss me, and so on... But everyone here kept saying "Relationship is over, move on, better luck next time". And they were right. 4
Author IHML24 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 1. BLOCK your ex AND all mutual friends on social media. If you want to, you can send them a short message and explain the situation. It's a question before your ex will start posting pictures of herself posing in skimpy posing with other guys. She will brag about how great her life is and she will make it clear that she was the one who initiated the breakup. I can tell you're still in the denial phase, but you have to accept that your ex probably already has slept with somebody else and most likely isn't coming back. I want you to visualize your ex kissing every inch of another dude's body. Do you want really want to see that guy pop up in your news feed? Didn't think so. 2. Realise that her relatives and friends will always believe the things she says. She doesn't want to look like a bad person, and that means you're going to be the bad person! Because of this, it will be impossible to have a normal friendship with them. 3. Accept that she isn't coming back. Young women are very stubborn. If they come back, they have to admit that they made a mistake. She has convinced all her friends and relatives that she dodged a bullet. She is a strong, independent woman who finally grew tired of your **** and up and left. Even if she feels lonely now, it will take YEARS for her to admit that she made a mistake. And most likely, that day will never come. *** When I first came to these boards, I got really angry at some of the advices I got. I was convinced that my situation was different, that my ex wouldn't lie to me, that there wasn't anybody else in the picture, that she would begin to miss me, and so on... But everyone here kept saying "Relationship is over, move on, better luck next time". And they were right. I see what you mean. I just don't understand why cant she be more honest? It would be easier for me to move on. I see what you mean about facebook. all the sudden she posts stuff she does 24/7. I have made sure that all her close friends and family don't end up on my feed. It is so sad that we seek so much confirmation on social-media. You guys have helped me a lot. Because when I'm with friends and family I don't want to bother them talking about her. So thank you very much! Of course I think about her/us sometimes but I guess in time it will go away. I will keep updating this thread if she contacts me or something happens. Once again, Thank you guys!
Kevin_D Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I see what you mean. I just don't understand why cant she be more honest? It would be easier for me to move on. I see what you mean about facebook. all the sudden she posts stuff she does 24/7. I have made sure that all her close friends and family don't end up on my feed. It is so sad that we seek so much confirmation on social-media. You guys have helped me a lot. Because when I'm with friends and family I don't want to bother them talking about her. So thank you very much! Of course I think about her/us sometimes but I guess in time it will go away. I will keep updating this thread if she contacts me or something happens. Once again, Thank you guys! I can't explain it, but many of them seems to follow the same pattern on social media. It's like the try to convince themselves that their life has improved by posting more pictures, adding new friends and so on. My ex suddenly made all her updates public. Why would she want to show the entire world that she had cheated on me? It's bizarre. In your case, your ex obviously have the desire to date other guys, and even if she comes back, that desire will probably not go away until she realises how great your relationship really was. Which most likely will take years. It's a nightmare and I'm still living in it over a year later. But at least we're not alone. And I agree that it's better that you write here than talk to your friends. You will need them as distraction. Try to have as much fun as possibly. Put your life plans on hold for a moment and take the time to build yourself up again. 1
Author IHML24 Posted March 30, 2015 Author Posted March 30, 2015 Hello again here comes an update. So I have not spoken or written to her since we broke up. Last night at around 10 PM she started to text me. She was wondering how i was doing and what my plans are for the coming fall.. So just out of the blue she starts asking how im doing and what my future plans are. I responded nicely and asked her what her plans where. So she happily starts telling me all about her future plans. What am i to do in this situation? Keep the conversation what is her intent of contacting me like this? The only reason I would want her to talk to me is if she wants me back. She also started tagging me in random Instagram photos. This is confusing. Cant be friends with someone I like more than friend. It doesn't work me. Any tips or thoughts on this would be helpful!
Ruby65 Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 It means that whoever she dumped you for.... has fallen through.
Situasian Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 tbh it sounds to be like she was giving you breadcrumbs and will continue to do so until she is 100 percent sure she is over you. she will keep leading you on until she finds something better and trust me this is what she is doing whilst she is not talking to you. This kind of behaviour happened to me 3 times with my last gf and only recently i know its over for good this time. don't be a fool like me and let her come in and out of your life whenever she pleases. dont respond and go full NC because if you don't you will regret it just like i did.
kendahke Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 She is testing the fishing line to make sure the hook is still firmly in your cheek. Quite frankly, unless she's saying "IHML24, I'm so very sorry. I never should have broken up with you. I made a huge mistake by ending things with you. Can we please try again? Will you give me another chance?", then all she is doing is making sure you're still hanging around. She should not have that kind of latitude to contact you whenever she feels like it without a decent mea maxima culpa coming from her. You need to go No Contact with her and her family. Kevin is right: her family will circle their wagons around her so fast it will make your head spin. Their loyalty is with her, not you, despite now nice they think you are. Blood is thicker than water. Get with the NC. You deserve to be happy and not be yanked around by her. 2
Chi townD Posted March 30, 2015 Posted March 30, 2015 Yeah dude, you got breadcrumbs. She needed an ego boost and for you to make her feel a little better. Next time she texts. ignore it. Remember, she dumped YOU. She decided that she didn't want you in her life anymore. When she pulled that plug, she lost all rights as to dictate what kind of relationship she gets to have with you.
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 She is the dumper, she may miss you, she may miss hanging about with you or she may just want you as a friend, but I would bet my last dollar, she doesn't want to get back with you. Do not mistake her crying for wanting you back either, dumpers cry for all sorts of reasons, mostly they cry for the death of the relationship or through loneliness or guilt or even over the dumpee. Many dumpers are not heartless b*tches like some would have you believe, most, unless there is a history of abuse or cheating perhaps, do care a lot for the dumpee. BUT and there is a big BUT. They usually do not want to start over again. She made the decision to split. If it was a LTR, it was probably a very hard decision, it was upsetting, it may even be have been devastating for her, but she made the decision and it is very unlikely she will want to change it. That is why unless she says she made a mistake and she wants you back; going NC is best for you, it gives you a chance to heal.
Diezel Posted April 3, 2015 Posted April 3, 2015 If that doesn't work for you, let her know to stop contacting you or just block her number and her on social media. Simple.
Author IHML24 Posted May 11, 2015 Author Posted May 11, 2015 Hi again! I want to start off by saying thank you to all of you. Just wanted to make another update for you guys. So it had been a while, not heard from her and i have actually noticed that i'm thinking about her less. I sat down 1 day after "update 2" and started making a pros and cons / bucket list for my self. This has helped me to not think about her and actually make me reach for new goals in life. I started exercising a lot more and getting in contact with old friends catching up with a cold beer. I also applied for a dream job that i'd never thought i would get. But I got it! One of my old friends when i was younger has also moved in with me which is turning out to be so much fun. So 2 weeks ago she messaged me. She wanted to see me. I said sure, we could grab dinner and talk about the some of the stuff that is still in the apartment. The day after, she messages me again. She wrote: "I don't want to go to dinner. i'm afraid i'm going to cry. This feels so weird that we haven't talked or seen each other. we had been together for 6 years." I replied: "What are you afraid of? we could go for a walk if that is easier for you". She didn't respond on what was wrong but she was fine with a walk. D-day! She got off work and told me that she was tired. She Invited me over to her place. When i came there we hugged hello and she offered me a beer. we moved into the living room and we started talking. We started off by caching up on each other. This felt great! Not to be mean or sound like a douche but when I heard that she still had her old job which she is tired of and she haven't been doing anything new or exciting it felt like a little victory. So when she asked about me, the list was endless. I had done so much more than her. New job, New friends, concerts, weekends out with friends and so on. I was also celebrating a swedish holyday with some of her friends and she wasn't even invited. Then she told me that she still don't know what she wants to in her life and that she soon is loosing her apartment. I could not care less at this point. I asked what she wanted to do with some of the shared belongings in the apartment and i noticed that she did not like talking about it. So It got late and I told her that I had to go home. As i was tying my shoes she said: " If you're ever out some time or doing anything some weekend I would like join." I responded: "yeah, I'll try to remember that." As I was riding the metro home I just felt like this was such a victory for me. I did not even feel that i missed her. I just felt everything good is happening to me right now. I chose turn it around. I chose to catch up with old friends, get a new job, and change my life style to make myself happier. I don't know what her intent of this meet was. And as it is for know I don't feel like being some kind of friend to her. If you have any thought of why she wanted to meet me please share! I'll of course keeping updates if anything big would happen. I just wanted to share this because if the same thing happens to some one this might be a motivator for them. I felt like had hit rock bottom, but i chose to get my self back on top! Thank you every one for your support and time!
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