His ex reappearing?

[CoolBurn]

My boyfriend and his ex broke up not too long before we started dating. Although there was such little space between the two relationships and it could have looked like I'm just a rebound, our relationship is currently amazing and it's lasted almost a year by now. But, his ex has now suddenly reappeared. My boyfriend works at a bar and so she had been deliberately passing there day after day until one day she saw him working his shift and decided to go in with a friend. He informed me and I happened to be nearby, so I did go in and sat there, I didn't cause any drama or anything, I just made my presence and territory known. Anyway, this was two days ago, and today she texted him. She is basically trying to make him feel guilty about their breakup (though he already does because he's very emotional by nature and he feels like she feels that he tricked her into believing this would all last or sth). I did make it clear that I don't want this to become a thing, I understand he has a lot of suppressed bottled up emotions that have not had a chance to surface since they haven't seen or really had a chance to discuss anything because of the quick transition from one relationship to another but I'm not comfortable with him reassuring her that this is fine with me because I'm 'understanding' and that he tells me everything, I don't want him to give her the message that this is fine and normal. I don't want her to text him again but I understand I have to let him come to some realizations by himself, I'm just scared that he might come to these said realizations too little too late. He appreciates me and our relationship, I know he won't do anything to deliberately harm us, but I don't want him pulled into her vortex of guilt-tripping him. What should I do?

[NopeNah]

Nothing you really can do. I'd suggest not going 'overboard' with the way you act and just continue being/doing what you have been for the past year.

[idoltree]

My boyfriend and his ex broke up not too long before we started dating. Although there was such little space between the two relationships and it could have looked like I'm just a rebound, our relationship is currently amazing and it's lasted almost a year by now.

 

Rebounds can last. The length of time you've been together isn't proof that your relationship isn't a rebound. Emotional rebounds can last for a month, or they can last for two years. It's all about the person's emotional state in beginning the relationship and if they've let old attachments go prior to trying to form new attachments, or if they are projecting the enjoyable qualities of the old relationship onto the new one. Those who are emotionally rebounding can know what they are doing, or they can insist that they are ready even if they aren't - it depends on how well they know themselves.

 

With that said, rebounds can turn into "real" relationships if the person doing the rebounding can avoid doing much projecting and can process the end of the former relationship while in a new one. Under the right conditions, this can happen. I can't say whether that is happening in your relationship, and, frankly, I'd need to observe it rather than go by what you report. It's impossible to say one way or the other.

 

I did make it clear that I don't want this to become a thing, I understand he has a lot of suppressed bottled up emotions that have not had a chance to surface since they haven't seen or really had a chance to discuss anything because of the quick transition from one relationship to another

Why are there "suppressed bottled up emotions" and whose are they? If they are your boyfriends, then he can deal with those without being in communication with his ex. He does not need her for that. If he thinks he does, it's indicative of continued attachment. Are they hers? If so, who cares? Is she looking to your boyfriend to help her get through those emotions and does he want to do it? If so, and he's not telling her to google local therapists and stop coming to him with her emotions over a relationship that is 100% over with, there's a big problem.

 

If he can't see their separateness as human beings and understand that once the relationship is over - especially when there are new relationship(s) - it is out of line for former partners to try to turn to one another to "process." That's about maintaining attachment and an inability to see one another as fully separate and responsible for their own emotional lives.

 

I'm not comfortable with him reassuring her that this is fine with me because I'm 'understanding' and that he tells me everything, I don't want him to give her the message that this is fine and normal.

Him telling her about the workings of your relationship in order to facilitate greater comfort for her shows that there is a lack of boundaries. But at least he told her he "tells you everything" so she knows she doesn't have a private communication channel with him. But still, the workings of your relationship should be irrelevant and private, and neither he nor she should look to you as an obstacle to them "processing their suppressed feelings." If your boyfriend had boundaries, he would own his decisions as his, and talking about you and your relationship with his ex would be off limits.

 

And... is it fine with you? Really? I hope not, because once you understand that there is nothing that the two of them need to discuss together, you might understand that they would be turning to one another out of attachment and comfort. And that is not good news for your relationship.

 

I don't want her to text him again but I understand I have to let him come to some realizations by himself, I'm just scared that he might come to these said realizations too little too late. He appreciates me and our relationship, I know he won't do anything to deliberately harm us, but I don't want him pulled into her vortex of guilt-tripping him. What should I do?

As someone who dated a divorced man who had daily guilt trips launched at him disguised as "needed coparenting", I am quite familiar with these feelings. Dating a man who allows himself to be impacted by another woman's guilt trips is crazy-making. It means he doesn't have emotional boundaries, and can't tell what is "her stuff" to deal with herself and "his stuff" to deal with himself. Instead, he takes her word for it that he needs to be responsible for her emotions. Let me tell you, it can drive a perfectly rational woman to start feeling insane, and how you choose to handle it can damage or strengthen your relationship.

 

You can't control what another person chooses to do. She may text him, she may not. Worrying about that is casting your energy into a black hole and causing resentment to build. Let go of feeling as if anything she does can be controlled, other than further down the road if electronic blocking becomes necessary.

 

Your issue here is not frustration with her, it is uncertainty about how your boyfriend is choosing to handle the contact and whether the boundaries he has with her are okay with you. That's The Issue, no matter what she does. She can stand naked in front of him professing her love and, if he has good boundaries, you'd later be laughing together about what a kook she is versus feeling angry and betrayed. It is all about how he chooses to handle things and the level of protection and commitment he has toward your relationship versus a third party.

 

You are correct that there is an element of him needing to figure some things out for himself with regard to her reappearance and that you cannot control this, nor should you try to. Your control is over you and your choices. It comes in after telling him how you feel and watching to see what he does, and it is limited to choosing to stay and put up with it or choosing to leave.

 

If you start nagging or doing things that he perceives as trying to control him, you will push him toward her. You seem to sense that already, so good on you.

 

All you can do is state how you feel, what your dealbreakers are, and then see what he chooses to do. You then make choices about what you are willing to tolerate within the relationship by choosing to stay or to leave. All of this should be discussed all the while, no secrets or resentments allowed to build up. Total transparency, so that he knows that decisions he makes and boundaries he chooses or doesn't choose impact your willingness to stay with him.

 

Have you talked about your feelings about this and been 100% honest with him? I worry you haven't if you are posting here, since it sounds like you are worried and frustrated.

 

Can I give you some advice? You've got a good head on your shoulders, but you seem to feel under pressure to be The Cool Girlfriend, who is okay with him processing emotions with an ex-girlfriend. But you're not okay with it, because you're posting here. So be upfront with him about how you feel. He can still love you and want to be with you even if you're not The Cool Girlfriend at heart. You have emotions, fears, and feelings, and they are valid. It's okay to care, it's okay to worry about the emotional investment that you've made in him. You don't have to be okay with him having conversations about emotions with his ex.

[Winterina]

make sure he knows that it causes you anxiety.

there is nothing that you can do there, but let him know what your boundaries are.

exes can hang around and be friends only in exceptional circumstances. they have to be friend of your relationship.

they have to be very much over each other.

[Gary S]

Ah, the case of the stalker ex.

 

I think you are going overboard by chaperoning him at the bar when she's there... it's a public place full of people... it's not like he's having a one-on-one date with her, nothing is going to happen. Have you been cheated on in the past?

 

As long as he has integrity and maturity and is not a cheater, and does not spend time one-on-one with her, which would look like a date, it shouldn't be a problem.

 

When you get a partner, you get their problems too, it's a package deal.

[catchthedrift]

Rebounds can last. The length of time you've been together isn't proof that your relationship isn't a rebound. Emotional rebounds can last for a month, or they can last for two years. It's all about the person's emotional state in beginning the relationship and if they've let old attachments go prior to trying to form new attachments, or if they are projecting the enjoyable qualities of the old relationship onto the new one. Those who are emotionally rebounding can know what they are doing, or they can insist that they are ready even if they aren't - it depends on how well they know themselves.

 

This!

My boyfriend was with his ex for a year and she was indeed just a rebound for his prior relationship that was real love and lasted several years.

In his case the rebound relationship lasted a year and he left her eventually because he did not love her. It can happen.

Now I have been with him for half a year and we are more in love than anything.

It sucks to be the rebound girl, i have been there too.

It will be the girl after you who he will stick with.

And inbetween he will have to come to terms with his ex, which is still lingering around. If i were you, I'd tell him to figure himself out and to call you once he knows what he wants. Until then, NC!

[acrosstheuniverse]

Stop trying to act 'cool' and understanding, thinking that's what will be the most appealing to him. If you're not okay with this, and you wouldn't be posting here if you were fine with it, tell him and let him make his own decisions about how to proceed. Neither of you can stop her showing up at his workplace but he can sure stop saying anything other to her than 'hello, what can I get you?' and 'here's your change' and he can absolutely delete and block her number. Whether he wants to or not is a different matter but as his girlfriend of a year you should be able to be honest with him at this stage about this stuff, and how it makes you feel.

 

If an ex of yours was sniffing around trying to rake up old feelings and memories about the breakup and relationship would be be 'oh no honey, that's fine' while passive aggressively showing up to stake out his territory? Or would he just tell you he's uncomfortable with you speaking to your ex and let you make the call over what you value most/try reach a compromise?

 

I speak to one or two of my exes, mostly the ones where it's been years since we split amicably and ones where it never really got off the ground but there was a friendship before and after that continued. My boyfriend says he genuinely doesn't mind at all and wouldn't want me to stop talking to whoever I want, so I check in with them occasionally, and if I meet up one on one (literally one person I do that with, and maybe a couple times per year) he's always invited.

 

The point is honesty... he knows what does and doesn't bother me and vice versa, I'd be annoyed if he was jealous and angry about me occasionally texting my ex about music but didn't say a thing and just stewed! I'd wanna know so I could choose to change my behaviour, or not, but with full knowledge.