confusedgirl91 Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Hi! Really in need of some advice. I have met this guy, and he is lovely. He's charming, funny, smart, and he gets me. What's the catch? He was with his ex for 2 years, and they only broke up 2 months ago. He says he is over her and the relationship but because it was such an intense relationship, I can sense he is still angry about how it ended. And he avoids talking about her. Now I feel like he does really like me, but from experience I know that although it initially feels fine and you think you're over it, realistically it takes a lot longer than 2 months. Do I date him anyway? Or do I cut it off now and avoid being the rebound? Help!
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I can sense he is still angry about how it ended. And he avoids talking about her. Help! That says to me he is not done with the mourning process. Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance I personally do not touch any man freshly out of a relationship. If you want a rule of thumb a person will need 25% of the length of the relationship to move on. In this man's case it's minimum 6 months. In most of these cases you end up being the rebound and your man ends up committing to the girl after you. 3
mammasita Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 In most of these cases you end up being the rebound and your man ends up committing to the girl after you. SPOT ON! Been there, don't that. You are absolutely in rebound territory. Don't do it. 1
DoesntGetIt Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 If he can't talk about it, he's not over it. However, I don't think that means you need to avoid him completely, just make sure things go really slow. My relationship was almost 13 years before it ended. I process things quickly so I moved on at about 2 months. I did start something before that, and since it moved so quickly, there were some problems and I didn't approach things as I normally would have because of my state of mind. If things had moved much slower while I was still adapting to my new situation, this new relationship would have been much stronger. So if you are interested in him, I would makes sure to be clear you want to take it really slow, and even be honest that part of that reason is he is just out of a serious relationship. 1
Author confusedgirl91 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 I've told him that as much as I really like him and care about him, I would rather us be friends for a while instead of dating? and that maybe after some time we can try the dating thing again when he's dealt with what happened, but I don't want to be his rebound. Hopefully he'll understand? :/
Vintage79 Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I've told him that as much as I really like him and care about him, I would rather us be friends for a while instead of dating? and that maybe after some time we can try the dating thing again when he's dealt with what happened, but I don't want to be his rebound. Hopefully he'll understand? :/ Well, it sounds like you've already given him the boot - if a girl tells me she wants to just be friends, I don't bother trying to date her and it's not an easy process to convert me back to dating mode. If you want a relationship with this guy at some point, you're doing a good job and poisoning any potential... 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Hi! Really in need of some advice. I have met this guy, and he is lovely. He's charming, funny, smart, and he gets me. What's the catch? He was with his ex for 2 years, and they only broke up 2 months ago. He says he is over her and the relationship but because it was such an intense relationship, I can sense he is still angry about how it ended. And he avoids talking about her. Now I feel like he does really like me, but from experience I know that although it initially feels fine and you think you're over it, realistically it takes a lot longer than 2 months. Do I date him anyway? Or do I cut it off now and avoid being the rebound? Help! My best friend is an air force pilot... think Top Gun. He broke up with his GF of 4 years. Lots of tears... lots of heartache. He met a woman through mutual friends a few months later and they dated for 2 years, then they got married. That was 2 years ago and they are probably the happiest married couple I know. He finally found someone who loves his flaws. My philosophy is this... don't pass up a good thing because you are afraid. I'm just going to quote Shakespeare for this one: "We fail? But screw your courage to the sticking place, And we'll not fail." 1
smackie9 Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Never tell a man you are better off being friends and hope he understands....that is the kiss of death.
Spectre Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 If anything else, if you do decide to date him you need to make sure he is having zero contact with the ex. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 You can't be "friends for a while." What are you going to do, be the shoulder he cries on when the dates with the other women don't work out?
Mrin Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I disagree on the 25% thing specifically but certainly agree on the concept. I was married for 10 years. I was undatable for the mmmm first 7 or so months - yet I dated anyhow. But by month 12 I was reasonably sane. Ha! Everyone has different timers. Since this relationship was so short (2 years) - it is probably the number of people rather than the months since his breakup that counts. Someone has to go first...
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I disagree on the 25% thing specifically but certainly agree on the concept. I was married for 10 years. I was undatable for the mmmm first 7 or so months - yet I dated anyhow. But by month 12 I was reasonably sane. Ha! Everyone has different timers. Since this relationship was so short (2 years) - it is probably the number of people rather than the months since his breakup that counts. Someone has to go first... And I left a 15 year marriage without shedding a tear. The next relationship lasted 4 years and it took me 3 years to get over it. It's a rule of thumbs. It depends if you are the dumper or the dumpee and other variables.
Gary S Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 That says to me he is not done with the mourning process. Denial Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance I personally do not touch any man freshly out of a relationship. If you want a rule of thumb a person will need 25% of the length of the relationship to move on. In this man's case it's minimum 6 months. In most of these cases you end up being the rebound and your man ends up committing to the girl after you. - Greta is right. Him being angry about the past relationship is a huge red flag.
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