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Is it up to her to make contact with me this weekend, if she is genuinely interested?

bbcc10192

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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I'm a 23 year old male. There is this girl who I've been friends with for the past 4 months, who I have been secretly harbouring feelings for. I've known her a few years, but we never hung out or anything. However, we are both big f ans of dance music and there was a festival on at the end of last October which we both had tickets for. We didn't know anyone else going, so we decided to go together, and this was our first time hanging out together. Since then, we have went to a couple more gigs in my local city before Christmas and have kept contact sporadically via social media. I have to be honest: There wasn't any chemistry or sexual tension between us during any of the times we were together. No signs of flirting, both in person and texting. There have been a couple of ambiguous text messages, but nothing worth talking about. I attribute the lack of chemistry and tension to her simply not being physically attracted to me: She is a very beautiful girl whereas I'm more of an average looking guy. I just feel there is an imbalance on the looks spectrum. Nevertheless, my feelings got pretty strong after Christmas. I decided to play it cool for ages, but last weekend I felt it was time to start making my interest known...

 

 

So I texted her last Friday night seeing what she was up to. She told me she was watching tv, asked what I was up to and what I was at tomorrow. She then texted me straight away after the text message to see if I wanted to go and see a dj playing later this month in our local city. I told her I was going out tonight, that I would be up for seeing the dj play in March, and then I asked her if she wanted to do something tomorrow. She told me she had an exam (which I know was true) but that she would be up for doing something afterwards. I thought to myself''great, I can bring her out tomorrow night and finally just go for it and see if she's interested as more than a friend''. So on Saturday morning she was online facebook and replied to a wall post of her friends saying ''Yeah I have an exam today but I'll be up for drinks afterwards, let me know''. That burst my bubble, and I felt she wouldn't be making plans with her friends if she was interested in me romantically. Any ways I decided to text her that evening to see if she had any plans for the night. She told me she was just chilling in the house and asked what I was up to. I told her just the same at the moment and asked if she was planning on heading out at all. She said probably not as she was tired after her exam and was just going to relax and watch a tv series. I was hoping to get her out and let my interest be known through subtle flirting, but seeing as that wasn't happening, I said I would make it known via text. So I texted back saying ''Ah right, that's a shame. I hopet he exam went well any ways. I'll chat to you soon x''. By saying''that's a shame'' and leaving an x (I had never left x's to her before), I felt I was breaking the ice and going beyond 'buddy'texting. So she texted back saying ''Yeah cool, enjoy your night. I would love to do something but I'm actually wrecked.... chat to u soon ;) x''. So, she left me a wink face while also reciprocating my x....

 

 

Now, initially I got very excited with that response. But then it dawned on me that it could have just been her keeping my interest at bay. I asked my sister about it, and she said that there's no point reading into that text too much – it could have just been her flirting without any intent. I have got lead on by girls before in the past, so I know that there is a possibility this is the case. Nevertheless, a more blunt reply would have been a closed case for me – she's obviously not interested orshe would have at least reciprocated somewhat. The fact she reciprocated leaves it open to ambiguity and possibilities – she could just be keeping my attention at bay for her own sense of being chased, or it could have been a genuine sign of interest. SO I guess what I'm asking is....... If she is genuinely interested, is it up to her to at least write to me on facebook or text me this weekend and initiate contact? Seeing as I asked her what her plans were both last Friday and Saturday night?

 

 

At the moment I'm thinking of texting her on Saturday afternoon to see if she has any plans for the night. If she has an excuse to not head out, then she's obviously not into me. But I think it's fair to say she knows for sure now that I like her as more than a friend. I made it obvious last weekend by asking her if she was up for doing stuff, and then sending that flirty text message....

 

I'll be the one who suggests we go for a drink or to the cinema if she does contact me, of course. But....If she is interested, will she at least make contact with me before Saturday evening, without necessarily asking me out?

Edited by bbcc10192
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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At the moment I'm thinking of texting her on Saturday afternoon to see if she has any plans for the night. If she has an excuse to not head out, then she's obviously not into me. But I think it's fair to say she knows for sure now that I like her as more than a friend. I made it obvious last weekend by asking her if she was up for doing stuff, and then sending that flirty text message....

 

I'll be the one who suggests we go for a drink or to the cinema if she does contact me, of course. But....If she is interested, will she at least make contact with me before Saturday evening, without necessarily asking me out?

 

No it's not fair to say that. Except for the fact that you posted this thread saying you like her IMO nothing you have done so far was beyond pure platonic friends.

 

For all I know when you typed the X, as her I may have thought your finger slipped before you hit send.

 

If you like her, be bold & ask her for a DATE.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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Honestly, nothing about your text would tell me you were flirting, other than that I know you're a man. I put "xx" on my emails and cards to all friends, female and male. It means they're my friends. That's all it means. You can't read anything at all into that.

 

Don't call her at the last minute for a date! If you're going to ask her out, do it at least 3 days in advance. If you want to cut to the chase and find out if she's just hanging with you because you like some of the same stuff or if she is itnerested in dating, ask her 3 or so days in advance if she'd like to go to dinner on Saturday night. She will know that sounds like a real date. How she responds should give you a clue. Yes, she might already have plans, so if you don't want to ask for a Saturday, do it for another day.

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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So I didn't text her this weekend, and she didn't get in contact with me.

 

Regarding my texting last weekend and making my interest obvious: I disagree with your points above. I asked her out both Friday and Saturday night, she told me she couldn't go out. So I basically implied I was disappointed not to see her before saying I'll chat to you soon and leaving an x. We never left x's before in any of our text messages. She reciprocated the x and also left a winky face.

 

Most people will agree that a winky face is used in a flirting context. I just don't feel our last exchange of texts was a typical friend to friend text.

rester Established Member

rester

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Man to man, you'll never get anywhere with texting x's and winky faces. That's more brotherly than anything. Women will respond much more positively to directness. Ask her on a date a few days in advance, rather than to a club at the last minute. You may not get the answer you want, but at least you'll know one way or another. If you continue to give subtle hints, you're going to get subtle hints back until eventually she grows tired of it and goes out with a man that is more direct than you.

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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Man to man, you'll never get anywhere with texting x's and winky faces. That's more brotherly than anything. Women will respond much more positively to directness. Ask her on a date a few days in advance, rather than to a club at the last minute. You may not get the answer you want, but at least you'll know one way or another. If you continue to give subtle hints, you're going to get subtle hints back until eventually she grows tired of it and goes out with a man that is more direct than you.

 

Yes but are subtle hints - i.e. the texting exchanges we've had so far - good signs? Or could she just be flirting without any intention?

 

I agree though, I will have to ask her out properly sometime soon.

rester Established Member

rester

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Yes but are subtle hints - i.e. the texting exchanges we've had so far - good signs? Or could she just be flirting without any intention?

 

I agree though, I will have to ask her out properly sometime soon.

 

The problem with subtle hints is they could mean anything. Don't try to analyze an x and a winky face or you'll drive yourself crazy.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Regarding my texting last weekend and making my interest obvious: I disagree with your points above. I asked her out both Friday and Saturday night, she told me she couldn't go out.

 

The Xs & emoticons remaining meaningless. Her not being able to go out both nights and her not contacting you over the weekend is far more telling. She is not interested. By continuing to chase you are boosting her ego at the expense of yours. Move on.

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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The Xs & emoticons remaining meaningless. Her not being able to go out both nights and her not contacting you over the weekend is far more telling. She is not interested. By continuing to chase you are boosting her ego at the expense of yours. Move on.

 

You're completely right - I have to look at the bigger picture which is essentially what you stated above.

 

She did mention about going to a Dj in March, as you may have seen in my original post. I checked a website there and saw that the Dj happens to be playing next Monday night. It's also St.Patricks weekend next weekend (I'm Irish) and actual St.Patricks day is next Tuesday. I do agree that it is very telling that she hasn't contacted me at all since last weekend. I'm not going to make contact with her as I feel I've made my effort and done my bit... But I'm just going to see if she contacts me at all by next Wednesday about doing something. She will definitely be out and doing stuff given the weekend it is, and the fact that Dj is playing.

 

If I hear from her, then hopefully we'll arrange a night out. I'll be open and flirtatious towards her and see if there's any sign of reciprocation. If I don't hear from her or arrange anything by next Wednesday, then I'm going to forget about her and move on.

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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You're completely right - I have to look at the bigger picture which is essentially what you stated above.

 

She did mention about going to a Dj in March, as you may have seen in my original post. I checked a website there and saw that the Dj happens to be playing next Monday night. It's also St.Patricks weekend next weekend (I'm Irish) and actual St.Patricks day is next Tuesday. I do agree that it is very telling that she hasn't contacted me at all since last weekend. I'm not going to make contact with her as I feel I've made my effort and done my bit... But I'm just going to see if she contacts me at all by next Wednesday about doing something. She will definitely be out and doing stuff given the weekend it is, and the fact that Dj is playing.

 

If I hear from her, then hopefully we'll arrange a night out. I'll be open and flirtatious towards her and see if there's any sign of reciprocation. If I don't hear from her or arrange anything by next Wednesday, then I'm going to forget about her and move on.

 

 

Ok so I haven't heard from her all week. BUT.... I'm thinking of texting her tomorrow (Sunday) to see if she is still planning on going to the dj on Monday - and what her plans are for Monday night in general.

 

d0nnivain - What do you think? Or should I just see if she makes contact with me by Wendesday, to gauge how she genuinely feels.?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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That's fine. Just keep your expectations low because I'm not sure she's into you.

jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

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My suggestion is analyze less, use your intuition more. You're intuition's already given you all the answers, the analysis is just clouding your judgement.

 

It doesn't seem like she's into you. Usually if a woman is into you, we'll make no mistake about getting you that message. It's not done by not contacting you. Sometimes there are games played where we vie for advantages by not going nuts with the contact, but not in this context. No contact means no interest.

 

The additional problem here is how you're responding to the lack of contact. Most likely what will happen if you follow up with a girl who's not interested in you by acting like maybe she's interested in you is that you'll make her become irritated with you, and that's worse than not interested.

 

Just let it be. You'll keep your dignity intact, and so if she ever reconsiders, at least you'll have a chance at that point. (But really you should just move on and not bother with more chances.) Pushing yourself off into potential creeper land by making unwelcome advances will just guarantee you have no chance down the line. Once a guy goes there, there's no coming back.

 

btw, the x and the ;) was not flirting on her part. It just wasn't. No reason to take that hard, but hanging onto false hopes leads you nowhere.

 

Good luck. There are plenty of others out there. :)

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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So I didn't text her this weekend, and she didn't get in contact with me.

 

Regarding my texting last weekend and making my interest obvious: I disagree with your points above. I asked her out both Friday and Saturday night, she told me she couldn't go out. So I basically implied I was disappointed not to see her before saying I'll chat to you soon and leaving an x. We never left x's before in any of our text messages. She reciprocated the x and also left a winky face.

 

Most people will agree that a winky face is used in a flirting context. I just don't feel our last exchange of texts was a typical friend to friend text.

 

Yeah, and neither did it get you the results you're after, did it?

 

Instead of being vague and ambiguous, directly ask her out so you're not sitting up wondering if she wants to deal with you in a romantic fashion.

 

From what you've written, she's not interested in you past someone to kill time with. Before investing any more of your hopes in this, you need to figure out if there is something to even hope for with this girl because it's sounding like this is all in your head and she has absolutely no interest.

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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So, I texted her yesterday about going to the Dj last night. She replied with the most blunt text ever ''Nope. Are you?''. She then said ''I wanted to go but none of my friends are going to it, even though I offered to buy them a ticket''. There was a couple of more ambiguous texts, but there really is no point reading into them.

 

So in other words - I essentially got confirmation that she is not interested in me romantically, as well as her seemingly cutting off our friendship with her reference to ''none of my friends are going to it'' even though she knew I was interested in going.

 

Do I feel hurt? Yes, a bit. Rejection hurts after all. And it sucks that she seems to not want hang out as a friend even. But I can't really blame her. It can't be a comfortable situation where you're hanging out with someone of the opposite sex who is interested in you romantically, when you're not interested in them in the same regard.

 

It kind of sucks though. I played my cards as well as I could. I was completely myself around her, I didn't try to initiate something too early, and when I did try to initiate something I didn't try to be overly eager. As I said in my initial post, she is a very beautiful girl and I'm more on the average looking side. I'm aware that girls don't place as much emphasis on looks, but I can't help but feel an imbalance on the looks spectrum between us is what prevented anything happening.

 

Oh well... time to move on and forget about her.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I didn't like your post because she hurt you but I liked it because you now have an answer & are responding appropriately. You are moving on. You stepped up to the plate & tried, which takes guts so pat yourself on the back for the effort. You recognize the rejection & are not turning into creepy stalker guy who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. Good for you.

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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I didn't like your post because she hurt you but I liked it because you now have an answer & are responding appropriately. You are moving on. You stepped up to the plate & tried, which takes guts so pat yourself on the back for the effort. You recognize the rejection & are not turning into creepy stalker guy who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. Good for you.

 

Thanks. You're right, I'm glad I went for it as I usually never do. I said last night would be my last attempt, and that's genuine - there is nothing to be gained from initiating contact with her again. That being said, it would be nice for our friendship to resume at some point in the future. I accept that may take a couple of months though.

 

Just wondering though, and would appreciate honesty on your behalf - Was her response last night appropriate and what most girls would do in that situation to get the point across.. or does it show a nasty side to her?

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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So I received a text message from her this morning saying ''Hey what did you get up to anyways? I was in a bad mood Monday night :p''.

 

It was St.Patricks day yesterday (I'm Irish), which is obviously a day of socialisation and drinking. But she waited until today to text me.

 

So, my new conclusion from that text this morning: She sees me as just a friend and doesn't have any romantic interest in me. So she played it very cold on Monday night when I suggested to do stuff. But she wants to bring it back to a platonic atmosphere now, rather than creating awkwardness. So she plays the ''bad mood'' card.

 

 

My approach won't change - I'm still going to move on and not chase her. But I guess the conclusion I can get from this is that she really just sees me as a friend.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You can't really judge nastiness from a text. There isn't enough context.

 

 

Her reply seemed a bit blunt but that doesn't mean she's cruel. It's the medium.

 

 

She waited a day to text you back because you are not a priority to her or she was still trying to find female friends to go with her. I can't tell.

  • 3 weeks later...
HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

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So I received a text message from her this morning saying ''Hey what did you get up to anyways? I was in a bad mood Monday night :p''.

 

It was St.Patricks day yesterday (I'm Irish), which is obviously a day of socialisation and drinking. But she waited until today to text me.

 

So, my new conclusion from that text this morning: She sees me as just a friend and doesn't have any romantic interest in me. So she played it very cold on Monday night when I suggested to do stuff. But she wants to bring it back to a platonic atmosphere now, rather than creating awkwardness. So she plays the ''bad mood'' card.

 

My approach won't change - I'm still going to move on and not chase her. But I guess the conclusion I can get from this is that she really just sees me as a friend.

 

1) was the Monday text the one where she said "nope..."?

2) i think it is GOOD that she followed up and apologized. Trust me, if she didn't care at least as a friend, she would NOT follow up.

3) Maybe I am just b#tchy, but if this were me, and if i were NOT interested, i'd even more blunt than this girl is being. and I definitely wouldn't contact the guy the next day to apologize. I HAVE done that to guys i do like however! For instance I was very shy and nervous around my crush recently, and I basically gave him the cold shoulder and wouldn't even look at him or acknowledge him. (not to play games but i was just really self-conscious that day) so hours later i texted him saying I was sorry if i was rude to him, but i wasn't feeling well.

4) and finally, i still don't think you have done anything to show your interest. i think you need to bite the bullet and ask her if she wants to go to dinner sometime. That way you will KNOW without a DOUBT whether she is interested, and you can move on with your life. If she isn't - could you even continue to be friends with her with your unrequited love? if not, then you find out sooner rather than later.

5) what does an "x" mean in a text?! if it means something special, she reciprocated. So i wouldn't get hung up on that. doesn't really say much one way or another because you are still left wondering after it happened!

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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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Anyone who just read this message before I edited it - disregard it. It was a pointless comment! But any ways thanks for your advice guys.

Edited by bbcc10192
  • 1 month later...
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bbcc10192 Member

bbcc10192

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So, I didn't hear from her since that night in the middle of March.... until she randomly texted me at the weekend.

 

There was a dance music festival on at the weekend (remember that's how we initially started hanging out), in the city I live in. I knew she was going due to her having clicked ''attending'' on facebook (we're still facebook friends), but obviously I have stopped contacting her due to her bluntness with me back in March. So I went to the festival with one of my friends, and I suppose I was wondering if it would be awkward if we happened to bump into each other.

 

Any ways I arrived at the festival and she text me asking if I was at it. I told her I was and asked if she was. She said 'yeah, where are you'? I told her I was queuing, and she replied asking if I was going to see a certain Dj. I didn't want to put myself out for her after her bluntness in March. So I basically told her I was going to see another Dj, but I remained friendly in text with her. I could tell she was hinting for me to hang out with her due to the way she was texting. My suspicion though was that she had went to the festival by herself and felt lonely, so needed someone to hang out with. Therefore I refused to put myself out for her in case it was just going to be a case of me being used. So we exchanged a few more texts here and there just, and I went home at the end of the festival. I decided I would write to her on facebook yesterday to see how her night was. She replied saying she had a great night and also said ''we stayed the whole night''. So that basically implies that she wasn't on her own, and that she did in fact have company already - presumably with some of her girl friends.

 

Any thoughts?

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