goldenratio Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Hi everyone, Long time lurker, first time poster. Would appreciate your help. Here's my story: I'm a man in my 40's. Have been married for many years. The marriage went bad, and I started having an affair with another woman. Let's call her M. M and I started out as friends for over a year. While she was in the process of moving to another state, our relationship escalated into a physical one. And when M moved away, I told my wife about the affair. M wanted me to leave my wife right when things blew up. I wanted to be with M. But I felt guilt about leaving my wife and wavered. M got angry that I wouldn't choose her on the spot. So she broke off contact with me. My wife then moved out of the house. Many months passed. I was still in limbo. My wife was angry because I wasn't trying to win her back. Meanwhile I was still thinking about M every day. So, one day, I wrote M. This was 5 months ago. I told her that I missed her and loved her. She was glad to hear from me. And of course the first question was, "Are you divorced yet?" I wasn't. Oops. M got very angry and sad again. She decides to break off contact. Then out of the blue, a month after this, she drops me a text wishing me well. I was surprised and giddy. But I didn't respond. I wasn't divorced, still in limbo over guilt and figuring things out. I love M deeply. But felt conflict with my own actions and emotions. Over the next 3 months, I tried hard to put my heart into reconciling with my wife. But my heart wasn't in it. M was in my mind. And my wife could tell. Then suddenly, just a few days ago, M texts me. This is where I need your help. She asks if I think enough time has passed that we could be friends again. She misses our friendship. I text her back and tell her that I think about her every day, that I miss her. But I'm still figuring out the divorce. (I didn't tell her that a divorce is now proceeding). M tells me that she just misses being friends right now, a lot. She asks why I never replied back when she texted me to wish me well. I told her that I wanted to but just couldn't do it....but I think about contacting her every day. We text for a couple of hours, laughing. Just like when we first started out, as friends. The next day, I texted her, but no reply. Just a short acknowledgement, one day later. Then I asked M if she'd like to chat over video. I haven't seen her in months. She didn't reply. So I repeat the question the day after. Then she finally replied. She said that she's happy to talk but wants to make sure that we're on the same page. Her intention is to be friends since time has passed. I told her that I understand, and we should just talk, nothing more. I'm talking to her soon, assuming she doesn't cancel. So many questions are going through my mind... Has she really moved on? If so, why reach out? Or was she checking up to see if I was divorced yet? And since I'm not divorced yet, is she's backing off again? Can someone really just want to be friends with an ex? I'm still madly in love with her. And my divorce is in progress. I both want to tell her my true feelings but don't want to scare her off if she's moved on. Any advice here? Thanks for all your help.
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 If she'll cheat with you..... she'll cheat on you. Just saying.
Auspecial Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Since you really seem to be on the fence, I would err on the side of caution and cease communication until your divorce is complete. Then that will be one less question mark for both of you.
Author goldenratio Posted March 7, 2015 Author Posted March 7, 2015 Thanks for the responses. It appears that she only reached out because she wants to be friends. I think she's moved on. I froze, and now it's too late.
Ruby65 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Yeah, shocking how a relationship that starts with LYING and CHEATING..... .... doesn't have a happy Hollywood ending!
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2015 Posted March 7, 2015 Thanks for the responses. It appears that she only reached out because she wants to be friends. I think she's moved on. I froze, and now it's too late. Are you surprised? She waited around whilst you faffed about with your wife and did nothing yet you say you love her. Why didn't you make the decision to be with her before now? Or is it only now she is unavailable, that you think you really want her? If she dumped whoever she is with now, would you still be making up excuses to stay with your wife?
Author goldenratio Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Are you surprised? She waited around whilst you faffed about with your wife and did nothing yet you say you love her. Why didn't you make the decision to be with her before now? Or is it only now she is unavailable, that you think you really want her? If she dumped whoever she is with now, would you still be making up excuses to stay with your wife? Hi Elaine, Thanks for the reply. I couldn't commit to be with M initially, because she wanted me to get divorced within 2 weeks of my breakup with my wife. Although I l love M, I was in a bit of daze. Despite my marriage falling apart, my wife and I had been together for a long time and were still best friends. My wife was moving out, and I was helping her find a place to stay. I was also processing everything in my mind. I guess I didn't appreciate being pushed so hard 2 weeks into a big change. I thought M would be more understanding of how difficult the situation was. Last week, when M contacted me and then told me that she only wants to be friends, I said we shouldn't talk anymore unless she still has feelings for me. I still love her and it'd be too painful to be just friends. She told me that I was being very selfish and didn't appreciate my ultimatum. I didn't think I was giving her one. Anyway. Yes, if M came back to me now, I would definitely be with her. I feel a lot of pain and hope the feelings subside soon.
Author goldenratio Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Since you really seem to be on the fence, I would err on the side of caution and cease communication until your divorce is complete. Then that will be one less question mark for both of you. Thanks, Auspecial. We are no longer talking. I do miss her very much.
idoltree Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Although I l love M, I was in a bit of daze. Despite my marriage falling apart, my wife and I had been together for a long time and were still best friends. My wife was moving out, and I was helping her find a place to stay. I was also processing everything in my mind. I guess I didn't appreciate being pushed so hard 2 weeks into a big change. I thought M would be more understanding of how difficult the situation was. I can't speak for M, but this would make me feel second fiddle to the wife you were leaving, and would turn me off. It seems you wanted the best of both worlds. Hot steamy romance with M and placing her first in words only, and "still best friends" with your wife. One of them had to give, and it looks like M made the decision for you.
Author goldenratio Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I can't speak for M, but this would make me feel second fiddle to the wife you were leaving, and would turn me off. It seems you wanted the best of both worlds. Hot steamy romance with M and placing her first in words only, and "still best friends" with your wife. One of them had to give, and it looks like M made the decision for you. I can totally see this, in retrospect. And I mostly agree. The only thing I can say is that it was a big blow up, and I just needed a bit more than 2 weeks to figure out everything. That said, I get it. Do you think that M really contacted me "just to be friends"? And is it really "selfish" (as she puts it) that I don't think we can talk, because I have feelings for her still? Just need some perspective, thanks.
idoltree Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) Do you think that M really contacted me "just to be friends"? And is it really "selfish" (as she puts it) that I don't think we can talk, because I have feelings for her still? Just need some perspective, thanks. It's really hard to say. Typically, if someone is detaching from someone else romantically, they need distance to do it. And then when they've detached, they've detached. They don't think of the person and want to reach out, other than maybe small talk. People who want to renew friendships strike me as people who are still attached in some way. I think that she is still attached to you. I don't know why or what sort of attachment it is. I think that she reached out as a bit of a litmus test to see if you still had feelings. You told her that you did. If her contact was motivated by ego, then she'd have the information she needed and be off again. If her contact was more than looking to feed her ego, you'll hear from her again. I think you did the right thing by telling her that you didn't want to be friends. It sounds like that would have been very hard for you. It is not selfish to not want to participate in a friendship that would continually hurt you because you wanted more. She ended the relationship with you, and she knew there was a risk that there would be nothing after that. An ex being friends with you after you break up with them is asking a lot of them. To continue to push it after that person says that can't be friends/won't be friends is selfish. I haven't seen that she's pushing it, just that she inquired. M is in the dumper position right now. She holds the power and knows you want more than friendship, so it's easier for her to want to be just friends. She knows she could make it more than that if she wanted. You, on the other hand, feel like friendship is the consolation prize, and it's a painful prize for you. You aren't being selfish and if she indicated that you were, I'm a bit concerned that she's not able to put herself in your shoes. If this is just a worry of yours, then I wonder how much of your life has been spent meeting the needs of women at your own expense. I say that because you reference staying with your wife because you felt guilty leaving her, and now you wonder if you're being selfish by being true to yourself with regard to M. If you have been kind with her in saying you cannot be friends, then you're in the clear and have nothing to fret about. I hope that is at least a little bit helpful. Edited March 13, 2015 by idoltree 1
Author goldenratio Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 It's really hard to say. Typically, if someone is detaching from someone else romantically, they need distance to do it. And then when they've detached, they've detached. They don't think of the person and want to reach out, other than maybe small talk. People who want to renew friendships strike me as people who are still attached in some way. I think that she is still attached to you. I don't know why or what sort of attachment it is. If you have been kind with her in saying you cannot be friends, then you're in the clear and have nothing to fret about. I hope that is at least a little bit helpful. Hi Idoltree, That was very helpful. Thank you. I think I was very kind with her... But she didn't read it as such. She thought I was giving her an ultimatum. Would love your perspective on another thing. M had blocked on Facebook before. She blocked me during Xmas, when she texted me, but I did not text back. Then, out of the blue tonight, she unblocked me. Yes, I admit that I check on her profile regularly to see if I'm still blocked. Tonight, suddenly I'm unblocked. Since we just had a blow out, where I told her we can't be friends, and she told me that I was being selfish for giving her an ultimatum, I'm having trouble understanding why she unblocked me. Is it a final act of "I've moved on?" Or is she trying to get my attention? I really hate games like this. But maybe it means nothing and I'm reading too much into it. I doubt it though. Thanks for all your thoughts on this!
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