Would you end this?

March 5, 2015

OP,

How old is this boyfriend, because he sounds like a spoiled brat to me?

March 5, 2015

He's 50. And yes. Acts very immature when he doesn't get his way.

March 5, 2015

OMG reading this is giving me an ulcer.

You asked that question about going the 3 hours to watch YOUR kids when your ex husband's mom died.

Really? How is that even a question - the answer is YES

Not only because your ex is going through an incredibly hard time, but because he wants you to watch YOUR OWN KIDS - how can a parent act like being there for their own child is a chore?

What parent wouldn't be there at the drop of a hat?

I don't get **** like that.

You say this bf cost you partial custody with your kids and you are still wondering if you should drop his ass or not?

**** - people that don't seem to prioritize their kids shouldn't have had them in the first place!

And ya - I'm not a parent, so maybe I don't have as much of a right to preach about it as those who do - but I know that if I were to ever be a parent, no ****in loser bf would be interfering or costing me time with them, or going on about how he wouldn't help with them.

March 5, 2015

I said it will endanger my custody situation in the future and he says then he can't be with me anymore

Great! Use this as your way out. Tell him you understand and that you have to sort out your legal issues and family issues before being in a relationship. That’s true.

Don’t let him draw you into a debate or make you feel you have to defend or explain yourself. Be prepared for more manipulation and recognize it when it comes. Be ready for it. Do it by phone if you can.

Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?” describes all of the classic abusers’ techniques and styles. It is eerily predictable and it’s creepy how similar they all are. Once you’re out of this situation, read Lundy Bancroft’s book.

He might use any number of different techniques- saying he’ll tolerate your choice about your kids, begging to work it out and/or promising to change, getting angry and insulting you or making threats, acting cool-headed and rational but trying to convince you to do what he wants, being condescending and talking down to you- who knows?

It’s all the same- trying to keep and control you. Don’t give in. Apologize if you have to, but stay firm and tell him that you realize you can’t be in a relationship. Keep thinking of your kids.

You are right- don’t violate a court order. Yes, you could go to jail. But even if you didn’t end up in jail, your kids shouldn’t be anywhere near him, your ex would definitely find out, you’d be back in court and you could lose access to your kids. If you were to stick your tongue out at the court’s order, the court’s opinion of you will be damaged for years.

This guy is pretty comfortable ignoring you and putting YOU at risk, isn’t he? He’s not losing access to his kids. He’s not paying your attorneys fees. He’s not risking going to jail. He has nothing to lose and you do. But that doesn’t seem to bother him at all, does it?

March 5, 2015

You say this bf cost you partial custody with your kids and you are still wondering if you should drop his ass or not?

**** - people that don't seem to prioritize their kids shouldn't have had them in the first place!

^^ This ^^

It baffles me.

March 5, 2015

He just gets super loving and tells me he will always be there for me and will help me in any way he can...

He offers the world.....even says he will go with me when I visit my kids and wait alone (since he can't be around)....just to drive with me. But, then the whole time he's angry and texting that I have left him alone.

But, then he when I start the plans to go ...he freaks out and starts talking about what a waste of money we have on hotels...and that he can't take it anymore. He makes me feel very guilty and makes fun of the situation, by saying "next week you will tell me you have to drive there because your son has a sick tummy and only you can make him feel better..." Or "oh yeah, you have to go visit the kids 3 times a week (2 hours away) because you just can't keep yourself away and control your guilt.

So, I am left feeling so sad and broken. I just don't understand why it has to be this way....

I really love this man in so many ways. I just don't know how to let go.

Yesterday is a good example of this control level. I had agreed not to work the rest of the week. He wanted me to be with him. But he woke up telling me that he thought my guilt level over my kids would kill our relationship. He kept saying "you can't do this...I can see this won't last. The writing is on the wall, you are not going to be able to with me long term. I have given you the world and you can't accept what I have to offer."

So, I said listen - if you are going to talk like this -- I need to work this week and save some money. I can't be left homeless or broke. I have already racked up 29k in legal fees and I have zero money.

So, he started jumping up and down and said he can't take it anymore and that if I left to go work we were done. He stuck his hand out as if to shake it and said "we're done." He said he was going to work and If I wasn't there when he returned - he would be done. I said "okay, I won't be here. Sorry."

Then, he stormed around and finally said that he couldn't believe how controlling and manipulative I was to him and that he can't live like this anymore. So, I said "okay" Then I broke down and said "okay I work work....I won't do it. And then he said about 20 minutes later -- maybe you should go do what you want and go work. He said "don't you think that's best?" I started crying because I was so confused and shocked! He said "oh my God stop crying -- I know you are just trying to manipulate me!" I said "what do you want?!" He said he wants me to make choices from my own heart and that's that. So, I said -- so I should go work? Save up money?

He then freaked out again and said he was done trying to play my mind games!

THAT is what it's like to argue with him...is that bi-polar?

Edited March 5, 2015 by Thisisinsane

March 5, 2015

What does it matter if he is bi-polar? Even if he was, do you think he could pop a pill and everything will go away? No, people like him hardly change. If anything he will get worse once he has you in full control.

Manipulative and controlling people are "loving" when they want something and when they are happy that things are going their way. They are mean, manipulative and gaslight when things are not going their way and they feel threatened.

"Loving and caring" has to be consistent. It's not up and down and a rollercoaster ride of emotions. When it's inconsistent, it's unreliable and it isn't genuine.

You can't let go because you are dependent. This isn't love. You depend on this man to feel whole. Even at the expense of your children, you're so self-absorbed in your own emotions, weakness, neediness and dependency that you can't see past your nose. If you even have to ask if boyfriend was right in being upset that you had to take care of your OWN kids when their grandmother just passed is absolutely insane.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Zahara

March 5, 2015

Yes, I see that I am self absorbed and I act erratically. I acknowledge that my behavior has been less than consistent regarding my kids and that's in large part due to the fact that I've allowed my BF to call the shots.

So, I know deep in my heart that my ex husband has been responsible and steady for them. That's why when my BF makes claims about how I should just get my kids and move them with us, and away from their dad, I know it's not for the best.

My BF can't seem to understand why I'm not fighting harder for them and that's because I know they are better off with their dad that with me and the BF at this point in time. I can't uproot them and cause major chaos in their lives.

I maybe unstable right now but at least I know better than to ruin their lives with my mess. I realize it is better for me to keep them stable. Even if it's at my expense. My BF can't seem to comprehend this...

What does it matter if he is bi-polar? Even if he was, do you think he could pop a pill and everything will go away? No, people like him hardly change. If anything he will get worse once he has you in full control.

Manipulative and controlling people are "loving" when they want something and when they are happy that things are going their way. They are mean, manipulative and gaslight when things are not going their way and they feel threatened.

"Loving and caring" has to be consistent. It's not up and down and a rollercoaster ride of emotions. When it's inconsistent, it's unreliable and it isn't genuine.

You can't let go because you are dependent. This isn't love. You depend on this man to feel whole. Even at the expense of your children, you're so self-absorbed in your own emotions, neediness and dependency that you can't see past your nose. If you even have to ask if boyfriend was right in being upset that you had to take care of your OWN kids when their grandmother just passed is absolutely insane.

March 5, 2015

Yes, I see that I am self absorbed and I act erratically. I acknowledge that my behavior has been less than consistent regarding my kids and that's in large part due to the fact that I've allowed my BF to call the shots.

Yes it's due to the fact that you have no ability to have any control or say in your life and your children's lives. You identify it, yet you perpetuate it.

Is your boyfriend the doctor?

So, I know deep in my heart that my ex husband has been responsible and steady for them. That's why when my BF makes claims about how I should just get my kids and move them with us, and away from their dad, I know it's not for the best.

And even when a man is trying to get your children away from a solid and stable father, you're still asking if you should end this. If anything, as a mother I would identify the unhealthiness in a man of such nature and stay away from him so that I can foster a better relationship with my kids. Instead you lament love. And how it's better they go with their dad because you are unstable. You are unstable because of this guy.

My BF can't seem to understand why I'm not fighting harder for them and that's because I know they are better off with their dad that with me and the BF at this point in time. I can't uproot them and cause major chaos in their lives.

You get away from this man. You focus solely on your children. You get them squared away. You get them in the best possible care. You get yourself sorted out. WTF trying to appease and make the boyfriend understand. Maybe if you got away from this man, you could get your shytt together for the sake of your children. Most of the mindphukk going on in your head is because of this ahole.

maybe unstable right now but at least I know better than to ruin their lives with my mess. I realize it is better for me to keep them stable. Even if it's at my expense. My BF can't seem to comprehend this...

In order for everyone to be stable, he needs to go. You are unstable because of the drama he causes you and the manipulation that you go through. And these kids are stuck in the middle. Instead of worrying about him comprehending, you should place more emphasis on what's best for you and the kids and that means he needs to go.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Zahara

March 5, 2015

Well my BF wants me to take the kids and move them away from their dad. He says that he can follow if he chooses on his own.

Then we got into a situation that my ex husband started to fight for full custody because of this and I'm now 29k in lawyers fees.

And my BF says he doesn't want me paying any child support to my ex even if he is the primary.

You can't move your kids away from your ex-husband. Every state has laws about that. The maximum might be 90 miles or it might be an hour's drive. But you can't do that.

Your husband is doing the typical reaction when the ex-wife starts seeing other men and that is trying to regain control over her, and he's doing it the nasty way and also a very typical way and that is to act like he can take her kids away. He can't. What will lose you your kids is fighting in front of them with anyone, especially if it gets physical or having anyone who has substance abuse problems around them.

Your husband is trying to force you to do what he wants now because another man is involved. I don't know why you're helping him with his business or in what way. I don't know if one or the other of you still wants the relationship. But I do know that just because an ex-husband starts saying he'll take the kids doesn't mean he's ready to remain married to you. He just doesn't want anyone else to have you, which is fairly typical.

You get yourself an attorney and keep contact with your husband to a minimum and stick to any custody arrangements and don't make life difficult in that way and let the attorneys do the work if anyone breaks the arrangement or there's any problems. You need to disengage except for brief, polite kid exchanges and you can't have a new man if you can't let this one go and are going to be seeing him because you're helping him or any other optional reason you'll see him. No man will put up with that. I wouldn't put up with it in a man either.

March 5, 2015

Well, I got an attorney and the situation is that I can't move my kids away. My BF says that if I don't move WITH HIM -- and resort to every other weekend and maybe one weekday visit -- he can't be with me.

He initially offered to move to my kids' hometown. But, he retracted that when I asked him to really go through with it.

Now, it's just ultimatums. He says if I don't move and stop making him the "every other weekend guy" ...that he's done.

I told him I was going to get my kids today because their grandmother died and he was livid initially and told me to come back and pick up my things. He wanted me out of his house.

And I had JUST quit my full time job for him YESTERDAY. He said "too bad, you know what I require and you going to your kids' hometown for constant "emergencies" isn't going to cut it.

Then, about an hour of fighting later - he said "do whatever you want."

So, I went and begged for my job back. I told my BF that I was going to work today -- after making sure my kids are safe and that I would return this weekend. He said no. He can't do that. Either I come back TODAY and NOT WORK - or he's just done. He says he is so tired of me working and traveling. He can't do this anymore.

So, I said "okay.."

And he says "so we are done?"

I said YOU just told ME that! He said "well, you tell me how you are going to proceed..and I'll judge from there."

I'm so confused.

Is this my fault or is he just crazy?

March 5, 2015

^ Look, you're talking to someone who wouldn't let a man make me get rid of a pet. So I'm not about to sit here and tell you to give in to his demands. Your kids should come first. You have to fit someone into your lifestyle. There are concessions you can make. For example, you should INSIST your ex have joint custody and has the kids half the time so you CAN have a private life and time to get chores done. Don't let him just give them to you and then take them when it's convenient for him. All that does is tie you down where you can't have any social life or work and your ex can carry on dating all he wants and doing whatever he wants. So if for any reason you took more than half of the time custody, change it to where he does his part. That is the worst of possible worlds for you. You split their time with him and you can have a life and date.

But you can't have it with this guy because he doesn't want that life. And he doesn't want you working with the ex. All understandable. But you are both adults and if it's not a good fit, you both move on.

Edited March 5, 2015 by preraph

March 5, 2015

Is this my fault or is he just crazy?

He's crazy. And if you don't get out of there, you are crazy. You are never going to be able to survive this much longer.

March 5, 2015

He is now very very quiet and telling me I'm welcome to come home. And that he has given all to me....

So, I am feeling very confused!

March 6, 2015

I agree with what Zahara said.

It’s not confusing.

You’re choosing your BF over your children and your financial and emotional well-being, which also harms your children.

Either make a different choice or make peace with your choice.

Reading threads by people in similar situations can be helpful. Your situation and perspective is very similar to those of a woman who posted these below, so maybe it would help you to read through them.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/512308-bizarre-you

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/510858-inappropriate-behavior-young-girl

March 6, 2015

Thank you.

I need to just make the harsh decision.

Tonight -- he's offering to call my attorney and pay part of my bill with a credit card, but my attorney won't even accept payment from him because he's afraid that he will go back on his word etc.

So, my attorney said tell him to pay you and then you can pay me. My BF said no he's not giving me cash. He wants proof it goes to the lawyer! I guess at this point I need to realize that he is not trusting me at all.

March 6, 2015

Better let the boyfriend know that the kids dad has his rights to see his kids and when BF starts telling you to move and take the kids so the ex can't see them is a real dangerous game to play.

No matter what problems you may have with your ex, he's still the father of those kids and has a right to see them and be with them.

Your boyfriend is going to do more harm with his big shot macho attitude and you better tell him to back off and do it now. I don't blame your husband for being pissed. When some guy he doesn't know starts coming between him and his kids that has all the ingredients for cops, lawyers and a bunch of good money down the drain because of someones big mouth.

March 6, 2015

That's exactly what happened - my BF's temper got him all upset and caused this legal battle that wasted everyone's money.

Right now, I have a signed agreed order that states that I will not take my kids around my BF. However, now my BF is so upset that we are apart - because my ex's mother's death. So, he wants me to violate the order and just bring him to his house and says that my ex husband should just be grateful that I'm covering the childcare for him --

He says the fact that I'm not doing this without being prompted (by BF) shows that I don't handle things well and that certainly isn't proving to him that I'm wife material - if I can't stand up for my man to my ex and children.

He says I have a track record of being my ex's Bi*ch when it comes to my kids' care - and I need to show that I have a backbone and say no.

March 6, 2015

Yes he wants to live together in his house. He says he will take all my bills. But he hasn't paid any, so far. He is a really good guy until it comes to dealing with my kids and ex.

But he's not a good guy is he? Mainly because he's threatening someone when it's NOT his place to do that!

And just end it! He's making threats to move the kids away from their Dad? That's probably not even legally possible. Most courts say one parent can't move far without written consent from the other parent.

But this guy is way overstepping YOUR boundaries - why are YOU allowing that?

NO man is that nice to act that way. He's not nice. Look at this without your emotional attachment and you will see how cruel and mean he really is.

Please seek help in co parenting with your exH - the kids could benefit from stopping all the crazy arguments.

Think on your own! Stop listening to the mean BF - he's not your husband or the boss of you. Just do what's right - especially for your kids!

March 6, 2015

That's exactly what happened - my BF's temper got him all upset and caused this legal battle that wasted everyone's money.

Right now, I have a signed agreed order that states that I will not take my kids around my BF. However, now my BF is so upset that we are apart - because my ex's mother's death. So, he wants me to violate the order and just bring him to his house and says that my ex husband should just be grateful that I'm covering the childcare for him --

He says the fact that I'm not doing this without being prompted (by BF) shows that I don't handle things well and that certainly isn't proving to him that I'm wife material - if I can't stand up for my man to my ex and children.

He says I have a track record of being my ex's Bi*ch when it comes to my kids' care - and I need to show that I have a backbone and say no.

Get rid of the BF now! He's toxic! Why listen to anything he requests? He's not the boss of you.

Just block him from everything...

March 6, 2015

Your bf sounds low class .. tell him to stay out off your personal problems because making stupid high school threats are only gonna get him arrested.

I'm supposes you ex h doesn't just use this to his advantage

March 6, 2015

After reading all three pages

leave your dumb bf before he gets you into more trouble, he is hiatus playing games and is a fool. You can do better than that

March 6, 2015

Well, what's interesting about all of this is that I recently called 911 on him because I was scared that he was going to rage on me -- it was a jealousy issue. He read a text message from a guy that I had received and he went bonkers. The guy had asked me out and I had said no -- and let him know -- that I had a very jealous bf. The guy texted backed and said too bad -- you would have found out that I'm a really nice guy and we would have had fun. then he asked for restaurant suggestions because he was from out of town.

Well my BF saw that last text and freaked. He called the guy and the guy called 911 for me because he thought that I was in danger.

I had never even spoken to the guy before. He just called for a wellness check and didn't even have my address. Well, the police ended up at my ex husband's place with my kids. My kids were terrified -- and had no idea what happened to their mom. Well, when my BF got off the phone with this guy -- he told me that if the cops showed up at his house that he'd tell them that I broke into the house.

I said NO! And I ran for the door and called 911 myself. the cops were there. I told them that I was not hurt or hit etc, but I wanted to put it on the record that I did not break into the house and I wanted to leave.

Well, they arrested (despite my pleas against it) my BF for interfering with a 911 call. He had to stay in jail for a night.

Now, he wants to hire ME an attorney to help me say that I filed a false report to protect him and his reputation. He says his charges are serious but for me -- nothing would happen.

THIS is why my kids can't be around him.

March 6, 2015

Have you now cut off all means of communicating with him? Or is this obscene amount of drama always a way that you live? It's not normal, ya know?

Does he do drugs?

March 6, 2015

he does not do drugs -- or even drink much.

And he is a very smart individual and successful.

But, the other day -- after this arrest -- we were driving and he got pulled over for speeding. He was so terrified that he was going to get arrested again -- for this traffic citation -- he literally told me he was considering RUNNING from police! He said he can't go through getting arrested again.

I had to calm him down and tell him to stop!

I mean -- would anyone take that hit for their partner? I feel guilty - but take chances of getting a criminal record for him? Did I overreact?

Edited March 6, 2015 by Thisisinsane

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