strawberrypancake Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Dear OP I would agree with what most people replied on here, he probably just wants to have the benefits of a relationship without being in one. I once was in a similar situation as you, the guy dragged me along for months on end before finally committing to me, and telling me he loved me. Some guys take their time. Maybe he has reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship yet, you never know. WE don't know him and it's hard to judge without knowing more background info, such as, how long have you guys been doing this, how old are the two of you, who has been initiating the romance between the two of you initially, and has continued to do so since? These info would be helpful to get a better picture. So i wouldnt want to judge based on what you have written so far. But it's not wrong to take the advice given by the previous posters on here, but take it with a grain of salt and perhaps just be really blunt with him and ask: Why can't you be in a relationship with me? I feel not at ease with this uncertainty. If he doesn't answer, then just leave him be and wait to fall in love with someone who is not as emotionally closed off.
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 The hardest part for me is letting him go. It has felt like a relationship so I want to be honest, but, it hasn't been a relationship so going ahead and dating makes me feel like I'm cheating on him. I was asked out by another guy and felt stupid saying I'm kind of seeing someone. Guy says "isn't that like being kinda pregnant"? He was totally right but I just wouldn't feel right going out with someone else. I FEEL like we are a couple based on his actions. Re your last sentence...that is what confuses the hell outta me. All we hear is "a man's WORDS mean shyt, we should pay attention and determine how he feels and what he wants based on his ACTIONS. Well...his ACTIONS say you are in a relationship, and now you're being told to "ignore" actions and to dump him based in his WORDS (not ready for a relationship). So which is it?????? Actions or words..or both? So damn confusing.
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Re your last sentence...that is what confuses the hell outta me. All we hear is "a man's WORDS mean shyt, we should pay attention and determine how he feels and what he wants based on his ACTIONS. Well...his ACTIONS say you are in a relationship, and now you're being told to "ignore" actions and to dump him based in his WORDS (not ready for a relationship). So which is it?????? Actions or words..or both? So damn confusing. ^^ I would also like to point out that he told her (i.e. more WORDS)..that he loves her. So I guess the general consensus is she should ignore his actions, which spell relationship, ignore his words "I love you," but listen to his words "not ready for a relationship"??? Like I said, so confusing. Ugh. 1
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 One more post... OP, one of my brothers (I have four)... dated his now-wife for seven years before asking her to marry him. For the first three years, like your boyfriend, he could never admit he was in a relationship or call her his girlfriend! We never even met her until they were dating two years. The third year, he started bringing her around on holidays, etc. but STILL couldn't "admit" he was in a relationship. He treated her very very well though, and it didn't bother his girlfriend in the least that he couldn't admit it. Based on how he treated her (his actions), she knew otherwise. Anyway, after five years they started living together and he finally admitted "okay we're in a relationship.". We (the family) used to tease him about it cause we thought he was being so silly!! After seven years, they got married in a private ceremony and he didn't even tell us they got married until six MONTHS after the fact!!! Everyone is different. We all have different types of hangups. Many people hate labels and the thought of having to label " a relationship" irks them to no end. I am a little bit the same way. I feel my relationships are private, between me and him. I hate labels and have never felt the need to define my relationships... They just evolved and grew gradually and naturally. Always ended up being long term, including my current -- five + years.
adiamond Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 ^^ I would also like to point out that he told her (i.e. more WORDS)..that he loves her. So I guess the general consensus is she should ignore his actions, which spell relationship, ignore his words "I love you," but listen to his words "not ready for a relationship"??? Like I said, so confusing. Ugh. I like it when a guy gives me words and then backs them up with his actions. 3
Quiet Storm Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I think most guys like this aren't really faking their feelings or lying when they are romantic. I think they genuinely enjoy the woman's company. It's just they don't want to be responsible for a woman's feelings. They like spending time with her, but at his convenience. They don't want the serious parts of a relationship, just the benefits. The "I love yous" shouldn't be taken seriously. Think about it- men love steaks, fast cars and video games. Some guys will "love" women in a similar way- they love you for what you can do for them. You satisfy certain needs, you entertain him. It isn't always some life changing confession when a guy says they love a girl. You can't assume "I love you" means they want to be with you, as it means different things to different people. I do agree that when a guy thinks you are "the one" he'll make it official because he doesn't want to risk losing you to another guy. So although this guy likes you a lot, he doesn't see himself with you forever. You have to decide if being with him still benefits you when you know there's no long term potential. 3
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I think most guys like this aren't really faking their feelings or lying when they are romantic. I think they genuinely enjoy the woman's company. It's just they don't want to be responsible for a woman's feelings. They like spending time with her, but at his convenience. They don't want the serious parts of a relationship, just the benefits. The "I love yous" shouldn't be taken seriously. Think about it- men love steaks, fast cars and video games. Some guys will "love" women in a similar way- they love you for what you can do for them. You satisfy certain needs, you entertain him. It isn't always some life changing confession when a guy says they love a girl. You can't assume "I love you" means they want to be with you, as it means different things to different people. I do agree that when a guy thinks you are "the one" he'll make it official because he doesn't want to risk losing you to another guy. So although this guy likes you a lot, he doesn't see himself with you forever. You have to decide if being with him still benefits you when you know there's no long term potential. I don't think it's fair to say she KNOWS there is no long term potential... See my post no. 29 re my brother. If his girlfriend had ditched him in those early years, they both would have missed out on what has turnrd out to be a beautiful and happy marriage!
MissBee Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I don't think it's fair to say she KNOWS there is no long term potential... See my post no. 29 re my brother. If his girlfriend had ditched him in those early years, they both would have missed out on what has turnrd out to be a beautiful and happy marriage! I'm sorry, but if your brother's gf dumped him and it was "meant to be", he could have found her again. Your idea is way more risky for someone as it is essentially sit around and wait even though all signs say you're wasting time, as MAYBE it will have a magical ending lol....nah. It's always better to walk away if you feel it isn't what you need. If things change and it is "meant to be" then I'm sure they can find you again. In any event I don't believe in lost love...we can love different people and no one knows what happens on the path they don't take so it makes so sense to speculate. If your brother and his gf didn't get married that doesn't mean he or she would have been doomed to be alone and unhappy because each other was the only or even best person to be with. It is very likely that she would have simply found someone else and fell in love again and so would he and they would have had a different life but still one they like. So no one should wait around and convince themselves if they don't they may "miss out", you won't. No one is your last chance. If they and you are such a great match and love story in the making then they won't let you walk away or if they do, not for long, but if it happens permanently, most folks simply fall inlove with someone else and life goes on and they are happy. 3
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 Well my brother's now wife was hardly sitting around "waiting" for him to decide, she was very happy to just be "*with* him, period, marriage or no marriage. Cause she loved him and KNEW he loved her too.
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 I'm sorry, but if your brother's gf dumped him and it was "meant to be", he could have found her again. Your idea is way more risky for someone as it is essentially sit around and wait even though all signs say you're wasting time, as MAYBE it will have a magical ending lol....nah. It's always better to walk away if you feel it isn't what you need. If things change and it is "meant to be" then I'm sure they can find you again. In any event I don't believe in lost love...we can love different people and no one knows what happens on the path they don't take so it makes so sense to speculate. If your brother and his gf didn't get married that doesn't mean he or she would have been doomed to be alone and unhappy because each other was the only or even best person to be with. It is very likely that she would have simply found someone else and fell in love again and so would he and they would have had a different life but still one they like. So no one should wait around and convince themselves if they don't they may "miss out", you won't. No one is your last chance. If they and you are such a great match and love story in the making then they won't let you walk away or if they do, not for long, but if it happens permanently, most folks simply fall inlove with someone else and life goes on and they are happy. I still don't get how it's *wasting time* if his ACTIONS tell you he's committed , he is telling you he loves you, and you are happy!! I am sorry I just can't wrap my brain around that. I guess we will just have to agree to disagree ....
Gaeta Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 He says "I love you, I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you". We get together ALOT, act like a couple, talk daily (almost always initiated by him). we have been through quite a bit together and I really love him. I'm just not sure how to process his words against his actions. Should I continue on status quo or try to move on? I was always told if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him, but he treats me like we are in a relationship. Just confused..... So what is the real problem here? If he does all of those things, if he says he loves you, what else is missing? If he said OK we are in a relationship what would change? Is this about FB status? 1
Author Scaatys2014 Posted March 8, 2015 Author Posted March 8, 2015 This isn't about FB statuses or titles. We spend amazing time together, he's romantic, has told me he loves me etc. We have been doing this for 9 mos now, have known each other for years. We are very close. My issue is mainly that at times he goes awol. Mainly after we spend amazing quality time together and seem to be getting closer then I don't hear from him for a few days. its confusing. we get incredibly close and then he disappears. I don't know if I should text him or wait for him to contact me again.
Buddhist Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 Well my brother's now wife was hardly sitting around "waiting" for him to decide, she was very happy to just be "*with* him, period, marriage or no marriage. Cause she loved him and KNEW he loved her too. And for everyone of your brother, there are 10 guys legitimately wasting a woman's time with words of sweet nothings before suddenly announcing one day that they've met the love of their life elsewhere and are now following their bliss. They do not care that the woman they were with is now devastated that her supposed partner was never invested at all and was after all just using her. Men lie about a lot of things but experience has taught me that things pertaining to.... I'm not about to commit to you are rarely lies, they are the truth. They tell the truth so that they can walk away with no conscience and reassure themselves that they were honest all along. It's her fault for sticking around when he told her it wasn't going to happen. He's telling her....I love you while you continue to give me what I want and I'll even make the experience romantic because I prefer it that way. But don't get any idea's that this is going somewhere because it isn't. What she does now, is in her court and she's responsible for any hurt that might follow if she sticks around 4
katiegrl Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 (edited) This isn't about FB statuses or titles. We spend amazing time together, he's romantic, has told me he loves me etc. We have been doing this for 9 mos now, have known each other for years. We are very close. My issue is mainly that at times he goes awol. Mainly after we spend amazing quality time together and seem to be getting closer then I don't hear from him for a few days. its confusing. we get incredibly close and then he disappears. I don't know if I should text him or wait for him to contact me again. You should read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" series of books. He says it's perfectly normal for a man you are in a close relationship with to pull away for a bit after getting super close! My own dad needed to do that, and so does my boyfriend! I just give him his space and do my own thing! During this time, don't text him or call him. Let him have his space. He will come back refreshed, rejuvenated and loving you more than ever, trust me on that! And in time, if you allow him his space and don't get clingy and welcome him back with open arms, his need to pull away after getting very close will become less and less. I am talking from experience here, cause this has happened in all my long term relationships (I have had three including my current). If you are not allowing him his space now, and become clingy and needy when he pulls away, that could be why he is hesitant to call this a "relationship." Edited March 8, 2015 by katiegrl
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 You should read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" series of books. He says it's perfectly normal for a man you are in a close relationship with to pull away for a bit after getting super close! My own dad needed to do that, and so does my boyfriend! I just give him his space and do my own thing! During this time, don't text him or call him. Let him have his space. He will come back refreshed, rejuvenated and loving you more than ever, trust me on that! And in time, if you allow him his space and don't get clingy and welcome him back with open arms, his need to pull away after getting very close will become less and less. I am talking from experience here, cause this has happened in all my long term relationships (I have had three including my current). If you are not allowing him his space now, and become clingy and needy when he pulls away, that could be why he is hesitant to call this a "relationship." There is a big difference between giving a man his "space" and him not contacting or seeing her for days. Going awol is not normal. 3
katiegrl Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 There is a big difference between giving a man his "space" and him not contacting or seeing her for days. Going awol is not normal. When I first started dating my boyfriend, after a long weekend together, lots of intense sex and we got really close, I didn't hear from him for a couple of days. At first before I learned (from my dad and brothers - I have four, all older), I got anxious. I never bugged him though, I always left him alone. After a couple of days of space to regroup, whatevs,, he always called and asked to see me, loving me more than ever! In time, his need for that time/space decreased, and now that we live together, all is cool. I still give him lots of space though, even when we're home! I think where many women screw up is not allowing a man a certain of space after he gets close.it's normal for him! But women get all anxious and start getting all insecure and clingy, texting him and seeking reassurance. Girls, leave your guy alone! He needs it sometimes... I guarantee you he will be much more inclined to commit to you knowing you are a secure, confident woman who is not going to fall to pieces when he needs some time alone to do his own and thing.
Gaeta Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 The time a man needs to cool off after having spent a very intimate and close moment with his girl is 24 hours, not days. OP's bf disappears for DAYS and this after 9 months dating? Here's my theory. He does not want an official relationship, he refuses to call it a relationship and to recognize it, so after they have spent time together he disappears for a few days because it felt too much like an official relationship and he's doing what single men do, he does not report back, doesn't care, and cool things off. It's like taking a shower to get off the relationship smell left on him. I believe his 'not wanting to call it a relationship' goes hand in hand with him disappearing a few days. OP this was important information you should have mentioned in your original post.
katiegrl Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 The time a man needs to cool off after having spent a very intimate and close moment with his girl is 24 hours, not days. OP's bf disappears for DAYS and this after 9 months dating? Here's my theory. He does not want an official relationship, he refuses to call it a relationship and to recognize it, so after they have spent time together he disappears for a few days because it felt too much like an official relationship and he's doing what single men do, he does not report back, doesn't care, and cool things off. It's like taking a shower to get off the relationship smell left on him. I believe his 'not wanting to call it a relationship' goes hand in hand with him disappearing a few days. OP this was important information you should have mentioned in your original post. My boyfriend sometimes needed up to 48 hours, but it got less and less over time...
Gaeta Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 My boyfriend sometimes needed up to 48 hours, but it got less and less over time... I don't think it's normal to need days of time alone (after intimacy) with no communication after 9 months of dating. It's not the beginning of their relationship anymore. OP: In your original post you said you were speaking on daily basis. That is not true if he disappears for days after you've been intimate, that's not talking daily. You not disclosing this very important detail at the beginning tells me you over-romance and embellish this relationship in your mind. People do that at times, they don't want to look at their relationship for what it really is. Also, a man that cares about you will call you the day after you had sex. I don't care how much he is sweet over those weekends spent together, if he leaves you on a Sunday night and does not touch base on Monday he's not emotionally invested in you and his ILY would appear very fishy to me.
katiegrl Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I don't think it's normal to need days of time alone (after intimacy) with no communication after 9 months of dating. It's not the beginning of their relationship anymore. OP: In your original post you said you were speaking on daily basis. That is not true if he disappears for days after you've been intimate, that's not talking daily. You not disclosing this very important detail at the beginning tells me you over-romance and embellish this relationship in your mind. People do that at times, they don't want to look at their relationship for what it really is. Also, a man that cares about you will call you the day after you had sex. I don't care how much he is sweet over those weekends spent together, if he leaves you on a Sunday night and does not touch base on Monday he's not emotionally invested in you and his ILY would appear very fishy to me. Good point re the nine months... missed that.
snowflakes88 Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 I wasted almost two years of my life on a situation like this. Weekend trips, awesome times spent together, amazing sex, dates to weddings / family events / work parties, etc., eventual "I love yous" and "If-I-were-going-to-be-with-anyone-it-would-absolutely-be-yous" -- I let all of that distract me from the fact that he told me right up front he wasn't ready for a committed relationship. We were most certainly not a couple, despite all of the things I listed above. Those are hallmarks of a relationship, sure -- but the most important ingredient is a mutual desire to be in a committed relationship with your partner. I wanted that, and he did not. He was more than happy to play boyfriend/girlfriend without the titles/obligation, and even not to date anyone else. But he wasn't in it, not in the way a person should be when they really want to be committed to you for the long haul, moving towards something sustainable and long-term. After a million "talks" that went nowhere, I ultimately just cut him off cold turkey, blocked him on everything and never looked back. Hard as hell to do, yes. But it was absolutely the right decision, and I learned a BIG lesson. Never, ever again. If a man says he isn't looking / isn't ready for a relationship, I appreciate his honesty and move right along. 5
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 8, 2015 Posted March 8, 2015 After a million "talks" that went nowhere, I ultimately just cut him off cold turkey, blocked him on everything and never looked back. What happened after you cut him off cold turkey?
Author Scaatys2014 Posted March 9, 2015 Author Posted March 9, 2015 The time a man needs to cool off after having spent a very intimate and close moment with his girl is 24 hours, not days. OP's bf disappears for DAYS and this after 9 months dating? Here's my theory. He does not want an official relationship, he refuses to call it a relationship and to recognize it, so after they have spent time together he disappears for a few days because it felt too much like an official relationship and he's doing what single men do, he does not report back, doesn't care, and cool things off. It's like taking a shower to get off the relationship smell left on him. I believe his 'not wanting to call it a relationship' goes hand in hand with him disappearing a few days. OP this was important information you should have mentioned in your original post. We generally talk "daily". It seems to be that when we start to get very close, he then disappears for a few days. I did send him a message yesterday, and he responded back with a sarcastic response as if "I' had been ignoring him!!! Maybe he expects me to do all the work...
wb1988 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 Start flirting with another guy in front of him (but not overly blatant) or mention that a guy asked you out on a date or something. Relationship means being exclusive. No guy would have a problem with a girl being exclusive to him so only reason why he wouldn't want to be gf/bf is because he doesn't want to be exclusive to you.
wb1988 Posted March 9, 2015 Posted March 9, 2015 I wasted almost two years of my life on a situation like this. Weekend trips, awesome times spent together, amazing sex, dates to weddings / family events / work parties, etc., eventual "I love yous" and "If-I-were-going-to-be-with-anyone-it-would-absolutely-be-yous" -- I let all of that distract me from the fact that he told me right up front he wasn't ready for a committed relationship. How is that wasting your life, you had a good time right? Life is about having a good time. My ex sent me a text saying how she 'wasted' 2 years of her life on me so what you said struck a chord.
Recommended Posts