amarks Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 For years my husband and I have had issues when we argue in regards to fighting "fair." I learned to walk away and not engage and while I'll admit he has gotten better, I still think he is not fighting fair at all. But I want to know if I am wrong. It takes very little to aggravate him and he will go from normal to pissed in a second. Let me preface this with I know he would never physically hurt me or our child but he just loses it and says whatever comes out of his mouth.... When we are arguing he automatically thinks and hears that I am saying he is an awful husband and father and I am not saying that at all. If I point out something I don't like I try to be as kind as possible about it but he hears what he wants and goes on the defensive saying things like.... Shut the **** or hell up....you're not perfect....calling me a bitch....bringing my family into it for no reason and how we are all sunshine and happiness. This morning our son was throwing a fit and then he starts getting pissy and mouthing off and I told him to just leave and I'd take our son to daycare. He said no...and I said well all u are doing is stomping around the house and its not helping so just go. He then goes into "shut the hell up. You're not perfect...." Then later he calls and asks if I'm gonna be mad all day and when I said u know I hate it when u talk to me like that he blamed me for saying he was stomping around the house and said I was just going to play victim all day. Which is always how it goes in his head I did or said something to instigate him but I'm pretending I'm the victim.... He goes to a place where he isn't even hearing what I'm saying and is just planning his next "defense." I can usually see it on his face. He doesn't even know what I've said but immediately goes to a cut down. Then with our child....again he loves him dearly and is a great dad but when our son acts up or throws a tantrum, he then loses it too. This morning more to himself than anyone he was like "wtf is wrong with this kid?" And "I'm gonna knock his head off." I don't want my son (if he hears him and sometimes he does) to think its OK to talk to people this way or to become scared because I know how much he adores our son and would never hurt him... Am I overreacting? I have drawn this to his attention numerous times and have told him I won't stand for him to talk to me that way, especially now that we have a child that I want to teach to be respectful. I don't think this is normal behavior but am I wrong? Its been on and off for so many years and some days I'm not sure I can do it anymore when he acts like this. Thoughts? Ideas or suggestions? If I'm being a giant baby its OK to tell me that too
autumnnight Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 For years my husband and I have had issues when we argue in regards to fighting "fair." I learned to walk away and not engage and while I'll admit he has gotten better, I still think he is not fighting fair at all. But I want to know if I am wrong. It takes very little to aggravate him and he will go from normal to pissed in a second. Let me preface this with I know he would never physically hurt me or our child but he just loses it and says whatever comes out of his mouth.... When we are arguing he automatically thinks and hears that I am saying he is an awful husband and father and I am not saying that at all. If I point out something I don't like I try to be as kind as possible about it but he hears what he wants and goes on the defensive saying things like.... Shut the **** or hell up....you're not perfect....calling me a bitch....bringing my family into it for no reason and how we are all sunshine and happiness. This morning our son was throwing a fit and then he starts getting pissy and mouthing off and I told him to just leave and I'd take our son to daycare. He said no...and I said well all u are doing is stomping around the house and its not helping so just go. He then goes into "shut the hell up. You're not perfect...." Then later he calls and asks if I'm gonna be mad all day and when I said u know I hate it when u talk to me like that he blamed me for saying he was stomping around the house and said I was just going to play victim all day. Which is always how it goes in his head I did or said something to instigate him but I'm pretending I'm the victim.... He goes to a place where he isn't even hearing what I'm saying and is just planning his next "defense." I can usually see it on his face. He doesn't even know what I've said but immediately goes to a cut down. Then with our child....again he loves him dearly and is a great dad but when our son acts up or throws a tantrum, he then loses it too. This morning more to himself than anyone he was like "wtf is wrong with this kid?" And "I'm gonna knock his head off." I don't want my son (if he hears him and sometimes he does) to think its OK to talk to people this way or to become scared because I know how much he adores our son and would never hurt him... Am I overreacting? I have drawn this to his attention numerous times and have told him I won't stand for him to talk to me that way, especially now that we have a child that I want to teach to be respectful. I don't think this is normal behavior but am I wrong? Its been on and off for so many years and some days I'm not sure I can do it anymore when he acts like this. Thoughts? Ideas or suggestions? If I'm being a giant baby its OK to tell me that too You said he would never strike you, but this is abuse. It is verbal and emotional abuse. And I am not one to use that word lightly and throw it around every time someone has hurt feelings. I would recommend anger management for him.
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I think you need marriage counseling. It's going to be harmful to the kid to live in such environment.
Poppyolive Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Have you ever been able to communicate, how you two should fight? And not whilst in a fight!! I'm interested to know what he says? Apologies? Promises? This is a tough one. Using low blows is cutting communication and is difficult to move forward. It is abusive. Disrespectful and disfunctional. Aswell as stresssful and a damaging environment for your son. My advice is couples counseling. Because this will get worse. Mark my words. Also, set stronger boundaries for yourself. Be strong with your want for counselling. Don't take care this.
Author amarks Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 We have talked about how we should fight, which is how I adopted the walk away when it got to a point it was a useless fight and I will go to regroup. He always says he is sorry but usually has a reason why he did it or said it. And he says he will work harder to be better. After this morning I told him I couldn't keep doing this if he didn't fix it. I suggested counseling (no answer from him yet on that) and told him its not healthy for our son to hear or see this (I have said this one before). I told him he is better than this. As a background, he grew up in an abusive household so I know why he acts this way but I've told him repeatedly its not OK with me. I plan to push more for counseling and thank you all for helping me and letting me know I'm not overreacting. I can't do it anymore....if he won't try to fix it then we won't stay together because I'd rather our son see us apart and not fighting than living in a house where we fight like that.
autumnnight Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 He always says he is sorry but usually has a reason why he did it or said it. I SOOOO know this game. "I am sorry; the reason I did it is because I was reacting to YOU." Hang in there and hang tough.
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 We have talked about how we should fight, which is how I adopted the walk away when it got to a point it was a useless fight and I will go to regroup. He always says he is sorry but usually has a reason why he did it or said it. And he says he will work harder to be better. After this morning I told him I couldn't keep doing this if he didn't fix it. I suggested counseling (no answer from him yet on that) and told him its not healthy for our son to hear or see this (I have said this one before). I told him he is better than this. As a background, he grew up in an abusive household so I know why he acts this way but I've told him repeatedly its not OK with me. I plan to push more for counseling and thank you all for helping me and letting me know I'm not overreacting. I can't do it anymore....if he won't try to fix it then we won't stay together because I'd rather our son see us apart and not fighting than living in a house where we fight like that. My ex-husband was behaving in a similar fashion, although he wasn't directly cussing me. But throwing things, saying mean things about our son and trying to hit him for no reason, yelling and screaming.... We got a divorce and my son and I are much happier since. I wish I've done it earlier. My son says the divorce was a good thing for him. He even said once "if you haven't divorced, I think dad would have eventually killed me". How said for a child to feel that way! I'm not saying get a divorce, but counseling is in order.
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 We have talked about how we should fight, which is how I adopted the walk away when it got to a point it was a useless fight and I will go to regroup. He always says he is sorry but usually has a reason why he did it or said it. And he says he will work harder to be better. After this morning I told him I couldn't keep doing this if he didn't fix it. I suggested counseling (no answer from him yet on that) and told him its not healthy for our son to hear or see this (I have said this one before). I told him he is better than this. As a background, he grew up in an abusive household so I know why he acts this way but I've told him repeatedly its not OK with me. I plan to push more for counseling and thank you all for helping me and letting me know I'm not overreacting. I can't do it anymore....if he won't try to fix it then we won't stay together because I'd rather our son see us apart and not fighting than living in a house where we fight like that. My ex-husband was behaving in a similar fashion, although he wasn't directly cussing me. But throwing things, saying mean things about our son and trying to hit him for no reason. We got a divorce and my son and I are much happier since. I wish I've done it earlier. My son says the divorce was a good thing for him. He even said once "if you haven't divorced, I think dad would have eventually killed me". How sad for a child to feel that way! I'm not saying get a divorce, but counseling is in order.
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