runredlights Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 My resentment was not based on specific sex acts but the fact that she did ANY sex act with anyone but me. The fact that she only knew OM for a short period only reinforced my opinion that she gave "it" away easy and cheap.. My resentment would flare up on her excuses of not having sex with me. "I'm too tired", "I'm too cold", "I'm too this, too that" to be in the mood. My mind voice screams "you weren't TOO MARRIED to have sex with OM!" That resentment still rears its ugly head from to time. You're welcome here brother. Just remember that you are completely in control of your own life and happiness. No other person, no external source; smoking,drinking. It's up to you what dictates your happiness. Whether or not this woman is part of your life in the future is irrelevant because you are your own man regardless.
Hardgrind Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Our marriage had been sexless for a number of years prior to my WW's affair. I would initiate and she would always say no, whether it be at home or on vacation. While my WW was in the EA with OM, her interest in sex increased, catching me by surprise. Our sex life resumed but was very odd. She had made comments around the same time about men coming out of the woodwork chasing her and joked about how woman should be able to have more than one husband. When we were intimate it felt like I was auditioning to keep my job as her husband. It was not sharing. It was all taking on her part. Needless to say, it was not very satisfying for me. Once her physical affair started, the sex stopped again. There was a D-Day. We agreed to try to R, but intimacy never returned. This combined with several lies I caught her in about where she was convinced me that the A with her OM never ended. Our divorce should be finalized in the near future. When I thought we were in R, I pushed her for details about her intimacy with the OM. Secrecy fuels the A, so my hope was that getting things out in the open would pop the bubble in which the A was occurring. I am glad I got the details but at this point (13 months after D Day) I don't obsess over these details. They are just another page in the book of how she stole from our marriage to give to the OM.
Sassy Girl Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Our sex life is the same. I stopped initiating years ago because the rejection sucked. So we did it when he wanted and how he wanted. That still applies here. He gets whatever he wants. But he's very conservative and doesn't want "much". I don't say no, but I don't ask for anything else because I know he's not comfortable giving it. So yeah, none the wiser I suppose. And no complaints from him about our sex life.
EverySunset Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Mine was odd. My WS started accusing me of "duty sex". I was confused. Nothing was different. If anything, I had amped it up a bit. Then he'd either be a little aggressive or the other side of the coin - passive, and give up... Sometimes during. Looking back I was stupid. It makes so much sense.
Chi townD Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 This is why the BS, not the WS, gets to decide what info they need. I agree, but what is equally important is that if the BS needs that information, then the WS need to be completely transparent and forthcoming with the truth. If they don't, then they allow the BS to literally suffer and drive themselves insane with the mind movies. And sometimes those mind movies can be very graphic and the truth of what really happened isn't as bad as the mind movies. 1
autumnnight Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I agree, but what is equally important is that if the BS needs that information, then the WS need to be completely transparent and forthcoming with the truth. If they don't, then they allow the BS to literally suffer and drive themselves insane with the mind movies. And sometimes those mind movies can be very graphic and the truth of what really happened isn't as bad as the mind movies. I might have worded it weirdly, but I completely agree. If the BS wants to know, the WS needs to tell the truth. The WS doesn't get to hold back and claim "they don't want to hurt the BS more."
duckrabbit Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 For me, there was a direct link to an increase in sexual activity with her AP. I noticed that there were nights that she would come home from work very amorous. Later, I was able to trace those nights to times when she had a lot of racy conversations on her phone with him while at work. He even took credit for helping our sex life because she told him that some of these occasions were due to him getting her in the mood! Beforehand, our sex life was fine, maybe twice per week and now it is nonexistent after a short period of HB, which is perfectly ok with me considering the circumstances.
OverIt75 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I will answer as a fWW. We had been married almost 14 years at the time my A started, together for 17. Two kids and two careers and life hit and our sex life was so-so for some years before my A. Probably averaging twice a month. During my A, the sex frequency was probably the same, even less as time went on. And when we did have sex, I preferred to just get it over with. I was GONE emotionally, and literally at the time felt used by my BH. I take the blame for my part, but there were issues on his side too that he was in denial about for many years. So, main thing - I did not want sex with my BH during my A and was totally disconnected. We are now in R (he knows everything) and are still trying to recover our sex life. We are making progress but there is still a lot of awkwardness. I still struggle with desire and interest, but it's hard for me to untangle what is our norm vs what the A did to us. Sometimes I fear we will never really have that spark. I think it's scary for both of us. 1
Author road Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 I will answer as a fWW. We had been married almost 14 years at the time my A started, together for 17. Two kids and two careers and life hit and our sex life was so-so for some years before my A. Probably averaging twice a month. During my A, the sex frequency was probably the same, even less as time went on. And when we did have sex, I preferred to just get it over with. I was GONE emotionally, and literally at the time felt used by my BH. I take the blame for my part, but there were issues on his side too that he was in denial about for many years. So, main thing - I did not want sex with my BH during my A and was totally disconnected. We are now in R (he knows everything) and are still trying to recover our sex life. We are making progress but there is still a lot of awkwardness. I still struggle with desire and interest, but it's hard for me to untangle what is our norm vs what the A did to us. Sometimes I fear we will never really have that spark. I think it's scary for both of us. How long was your affair and how long ago was your D day, and how long have you been NC direct and indirect with the OM?
OverIt75 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 How long was your affair and how long ago was your D day, and how long have you been NC direct and indirect with the OM? Road, the affair lasted about a year. D Day was the end of Oct and I have been NC with OM since early Nov. Could this just be normal consequences? I want to get us on the right track so badly.
Author road Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 Road, the affair lasted about a year. D Day was the end of Oct and I have been NC with OM since early Nov. Could this just be normal consequences? I want to get us on the right track so badly. It takes a BH 6 months for their mind to process their WW had an affair. You had a long relationship with the OM so it will take longer for you to detox the OM. Keep in mind it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from an affair. What work have you and your BH done to recover the marriage and make it better then before? What have you done to make your BH feel secure? What are the both of you doing to reconnect?
autumnnight Posted March 6, 2015 Posted March 6, 2015 How long was your affair and how long ago was your D day, and how long have you been NC direct and indirect with the OM? She has her own thread. If you click on her name and look for her threads you can find it without derailing this thread.
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