road Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I have heard from where the BH was totally cut off by the WW to the BH was getting more then he ever got before from the WW during the affair. I would appreciate from hearing from both WW's BH's. WH's and BW's are welcomed to provide their view. Though what makes this thread different is I do not just want to hear How the sex changed during the affair I want to hear WHY the affair changed or did not change the sex for the BH during the affair. Then after the affair was over, how did the sex change in the marriage. Did things go back to the way they were? Did new things get added and by who? Did things get dropped that were done before, and by who?
gettingstronger Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I did not notice a change- of course at the time we were together 18 years so it had changed from when we were first together- After the affair hysterical bonding lasted about 18 months-holy cow I can not believe either of us survived that - we are about 26 months from dday and its some place in the middle-nothing "new" introduced but there is more foreplay that before, closer to when we were first married-
BetrayedH Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Road, below is a copy/paste of my response to you in the other thread. It may be more appropriate here. For background, my wife ramped up sex from about once a month to twice a week during her affair. I suggested that the reason sex increased for us was that she felt guilty for me being deprived of sex while she was getting hers elsewhere. You were skeptical. "For what it's worth, it's one of the few things I believed her about. Certainly, it could have been because of a ramped up sex drive during the affair. Saying that she felt "guilt" about the affair might be a misnomer, though. Knowing my wife and her knowledge of my frustrations with our low sex marriage, I would almost say that it was more logic on her part that it wasn't fair to continue to deprive me of sex when she was getting her needs met. I do think that any guilt my wife had was probably alleviated by thinking, "Well, he's getting laid at home so...no harm, no foul." It was also (planned or not), a great way to throw me off of any thoughts of her having an affair. We had always otherwise had a good marriage (lots of people looked to us as an example of success) and in terms of a low sex marriage, I thought we had finally turned a corner. I was really blindsided as a result. One other factor also might be that their affair was a bit different than many we read about here. They initially bonded over sharing with each other about their unsatisfactory sex lives at home. They eventually decided to get their needs met with each other but neither ever had any plans to leave their marriages for one another. They actually counseled one another about fixing their marriages. My wife said that she would somewhat routinely ask him if he'd had sex with his wife this week and if he said no, she'd scold him about it. It's bizarre but I do believe that in my wife's head, she was working on her marriage during the affair. This kind of thing gives a little credence to the term, affair fog. Of course, I don't believe there's some mysterious force making them do this stuff but I do think that many waywards engage in some really far-fetched rationalizations to justify what they're doing." As for after the affair, we did undergo a lot of hysterical bonding for the months when we were trying to reconcile. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I don't think our sex life changed in any way after my affair. We have always had sex everyday....and still do unless he is traveling...even after 42 years of marriage. 2
badkarma2013 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Over the 8-10 month Affair she had with her Boss,our sex life slowly declined.. However she was doing sex acts with the OM that she had refused me for 22 Years..in her words were disgusting.. The biggest change was her behavior re:sex during the Affair
autumnnight Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Road, is it ok if some who wasn't married but was cheated on in a LTR responds?
Davey L Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Same frequency of sex but it was different. Quick and emotionless. I guess it allowed her to feel she had done her duty. 1
jm2013 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I went from weekly sex to about once a week to being almost completely cut off. It was a red flag but I thought we were just in a rough patch in our marriage. The sex sucked during her affair. She always seemed emotionally detached and duty sexed me when I was completely famished. I don't think I really paid too much attention I was just happy I was able to clean the pipes out. What is interesting is she refused to have me go down on her during her affair. She had definitely loosened up (no pun intended) after her affair.
Author road Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Road, is it ok if some who wasn't married but was cheated on in a LTR responds? Yes, please share if you like.
VeryBrokenMan Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Sex was good for both of us before, both frequency and quality. One huge change is that she is initiating now at my request. She says she was often horny before the affair and just ignored her feelings. I told her anytime she was feeling that way to start something and she has. She is also more in tune with making sure I have a really good time. Before it tended to be all about her especially the foreplay. It always happened for me but she was never completely focused on me like I was on her. We had sex four days after DDay and for the first few weeks I had trouble finishing but she never lost a beat from what I could tell. It was good for her before the affair, during and after. We are still in the hysterical bonding phase now and some days it's been twice a day or more which was unusual before. The mind movies were terrible at first until I learned to picture the guy in pink panties or other degrading situations. That actually made me laugh at him more than I already was. He is total pond scum that just played the "bad boy" part well. I have no reasons for WHY things have changed as far as frequency and the focus on me. The obvious answer is she wants to preserve the marriage and maybe realizes she was selfish. Edited March 4, 2015 by VeryBrokenMan 1
DKT3 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I traveled a ton during her affair, so our sexlife was the same. We pretty much had sex everyday I was home unless she had her monthly friend. After her affair we had no HB, in fact we only had sex once in 14 months between dday (aka me figuring it out) and divorce. That was a pity f for her behalf because she was all emotional and crying that I thought she was ugly and wasn't attracted to her. Honestly I was totally turned off. As my uncle use to say "I would rather J off with a handful of sand" Once we reconnected several years later our sex life was very hot.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 During my WW's affair she was cold and distant. Emotionally "checked out" of the marriage. During those few months the little sex we did have was obligatory sex on her part. Before and after her affair we had a good sex life. Keep in mind that I didn't know about her affair until years later. Of course D-day changed our sex life due to the raw emotions involved. We are way past D-day now and sex life has been healthy. 1
Chi townD Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 What I've seen and read is that WW/WH tended to do certain sexual acts with their affair partner that they would never do with their spouse. And that held a lot of resentment from the BS. And it's a double edge sword after that. Some WW/WH will then agree to perform those acts with their spouses, but the BS starts to think they're only doing this because they got caught and now feel obligated to do it, and that causes problems in performance. OR! They still refuse to do those things with there spouse and the BS starts to think that "It was okay to do those things with the OM/OW but it's not okay to do them with me?!?!" And that causes resentment as well.
Ralph79 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 My personal opinion here is that when a WW's affair is mostly about passion and lust, usually the BH will see an increase in sex in their marriage or won't notice a difference at all. When the WW's affair turns into a deep emotional relationship and feelings of loyalty start to develop towards the OM, then the BH gets shut out at home.
Mal78 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Over the 8-10 month Affair she had with her Boss,our sex life slowly declined.. However she was doing sex acts with the OM that she had refused me for 22 Years..in her words were disgusting.. The biggest change was her behavior re:sex during the Affair Was this a dealbreaker? How did your WW explain why it was good enough for the OM and gross for you. My WH has never given me details of his infidelity encounters. More or less refussed/didn't want to talk about it. What you discribe has always been my fear. Another reason why I wish I never knew about the As.
Author road Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Was this a dealbreaker? How did your WW explain why it was good enough for the OM and gross for you. Yes a very good question. How did the WW say she was able to do whatever it was for the OM and still be able to deny them to you, after she knew you found out?
Betrayed&Stayed Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 What I've seen and read is that WW/WH tended to do certain sexual acts with their affair partner that they would never do with their spouse. And that held a lot of resentment from the BS. And it's a double edge sword after that. Some WW/WH will then agree to perform those acts with their spouses, but the BS starts to think they're only doing this because they got caught and now feel obligated to do it, and that causes problems in performance. OR! They still refuse to do those things with there spouse and the BS starts to think that "It was okay to do those things with the OM/OW but it's not okay to do them with me?!?!" And that causes resentment as well. My resentment was not based on specific sex acts but the fact that she did ANY sex act with anyone but me. The fact that she only knew OM for a short period only reinforced my opinion that she gave "it" away easy and cheap.. My resentment would flare up on her excuses of not having sex with me. "I'm too tired", "I'm too cold", "I'm too this, too that" to be in the mood. My mind voice screams "you weren't TOO MARRIED to have sex with OM!" That resentment still rears its ugly head from to time. 3
VeryBrokenMan Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 What I've seen and read is that WW/WH tended to do certain sexual acts with their affair partner that they would never do with their spouse. And that held a lot of resentment from the BS. And it's a double edge sword after that. My wife had phone sex and send nude pictures to her AP. She never did that with me... said I never asked. Technically the truth but it still hurts but I've let go of any resentment at this point. The crime was having sex and falling in love with someone else, the details don't really matter too much to me.
VeryBrokenMan Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 My resentment was not based on specific sex acts but the fact that she did ANY sex act with anyone but me. Exactly! That is the the core of the issue.
drifter777 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 She revealed several things about sex with OM back when it happened. The first guy she did in a car & always adds how small he was. That it was hard to even get it going and she hardly felt a thing. I don't believe her for a second. Anyway, she likes to give me oral when we're driving through the countryside. I always end up pulling over so we can go out in the weeds and do it. I can't do much in a car anymore. Second guy she first did in a van - then his apartment and then, when he traveled to move in with her, the place formerly known as our apartment. She told me that he was "lazy" and that she was usually on top. Since then I won't let her get on top. Beyond these things it has also affected our sex life in general in that there are times that the mind movies start up just about the time we start up. Nothing good happens from that point in that I either just do it, disgustedly, to get it over with or I just shut her down. This used to happen at least weekly but has gradually diminished to the point that, now, it's pretty rare. Of course, so is sex
autumnnight Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 It was something that I didn't notice at first. He was always very giving in that aspect, but he became more so, saying he wanted it to be "all about me." But then it became ALL about me and NONE about him. He wanted to take care of me but it was like he didn't want me to take care of him. I even asked him if something had changed, and he sidestepped and said I was as sexy as ever. It still nagged at me. Sure enough, a few weeks later he dropped off the face of the earth after 2 years. And then I found out the dumhead was cheating. Of course, compared to a marriage, my pain is not really comparable, but I do wish I had listened more to that nagging voice. 1
Chi townD Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Another example that you see from time to time is that some people need to know what happened exactly because they're suffering from mind movies and in other cases, just the mere fact that he/she was intimate with someone else is all is all they need to know. Different strokes for different folks. 1
drifter777 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Of course, compared to a marriage, my pain is not really comparable, but I do wish I had listened more to that nagging voice. Come on, pain is pain. Betrayal this intimate is devastating. The only part that is somewhat different is that you don't still have to look at his cheatin' face every day. 4
autumnnight Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Another example that you see from time to time is that some people need to know what happened exactly because they're suffering from mind movies and in other cases, just the mere fact that he/she was intimate with someone else is all is all they need to know. Different strokes for different folks. This is why the BS, not the WS, gets to decide what info they need.
dichotomy Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Like some women - my wife has a Madonna whore complex when it comes to our marriage vs being with other men. Also she has rarely if ever been honest about sex with me - or even our sex therapist. She goes to great lengths to hide this part of herself and her past. Sex is the last remaining major issue in our marriage.
Recommended Posts