Elsa281 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Sorry if it's too long, I would really appreciate your opinion... My ex and I started dating 3 years ago. We had this really big love, very passionate and intense, but we fought a lot during our first year of relationship. After 14 months he broke up with me after a huge fight, saying he had never loved anyone as much as he loved me, but we are struggling too much and it shouldn't be like that. We were broken up for approximately 4 months, 2 of them w/ NC, and the next 2, we saw each other every day in college. We got closer, and I initiated a talk in which I said I wanted to reconcile. He cried a lot, said he doesn't know what's wrong w/ him, and he was the reason for our problems, that I should never change. He said he loves me and that he couldn't be with anyone else during our time apart. We got back together after this, and for almost a year we had this amazing connection, we communicated very well and didn't fight at all. He said he wanted to move and live together, and we did. It was a great period for us (we did fight a little bit more, but it was no more than once a month). After four months of leaving together, we got into a huge fight after he did something that hurt me immensely. He gave me a sort of ultimatum, which I didn't take well. We agreed we still have some problems, and he wanted to break up again. I said I agree, but I do think we deserve to try and solve this after we invested so much in this relationship. He said he is not capable of doing that after processing breaking up in his head. We decided to break up, but still lived together for another week, ending it in a very loving way (we were having very emotional conversations, said to each other how much we love each other, we had sex, etc.). After a week he moved out (it was 2 months ago). After breaking up he tried to contact me several times, mostly for technicalities. We met once to take care of some technical things. We were really nice to each other and laughed a lot. When we said goodbye, he hugged me and was shaking and he cried a little bit (I wasn't). After a week I was going through something really hard with my family, which he knew about, and than he contacted me again. He texted me several times saying he is always there for me, sending me a big hug, asking if I wanted to talk. In the min time , I was working on myself and moved on, met a lot of new people, strengthened contacts with many friends, and dated and flirted with multiple guys. Two weeks ago he texted me again and said he was thinking about calling me for a long time, and he asked for a permission to call and I said I was busy and he could call in two days, when I am available. He didn't reply and didn't call, and a week later he started texting again for technicalities. The whole time after the breakup he was the ONLY one to initiate contact, he still called me with nicknames (I didn't). I am confused. I still miss him, but I think I did everything I could before the breakup to make it work, and he had left me for the second time, and I was the one who wanted to reconcile last time. I don't know what he wants, but if he want me in his life or even reconcile, he has to do better than this, don't you think?I am NOT waiting for him, not even deep down (i don't even fantasize about getting back together), and I know that I will continue to grow more and more each day. But still, I would be extremely happy to hear your opinion... What do you think is going on here? Note that he is really messed up, and that I was nothing but good for him (I helped him in every way I could in bad/stressful times) Edited March 4, 2015 by Elsa281
privategal Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 In several years down the road maybe you can be friends but it sounds like your ok and getting back on your feet and I feel like you'd keep moving forward if he wouldn't be reaching out. It was about as good as a breakup can get so hes still seeing you in a great light and missing you. But just because someone is missing you or vice versa doesn't mean its meant to be. Let him know you want to let eachother go your seperate ways now and that you need time to heal and not hear from him and let him know its for both of your good that you move forward and not keep talking for a good long time. If u care for him don't keep his hope alive by continuing to respond. Be concise he will be ok and so will you. You got this!
Author Elsa281 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Thanks privategal.. I've responded very cold and briefly to his texts, and sometimes I didn't even answer... So I don't think he is really hoping for anything.. Not even to be my friend. It is possible that he is playing games to keep me from moving on. I am not over about what he did that caused the whole fight from the beginning. Sometimes I am not even sure if I still love him, but I do miss him... I guess you are right, and cutting off contact will help us heal..
MJAlex Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Do you still have feelings for him? The mind is a powerful thing and it seems like he is blaming himself for many issues. This could be a self-esteem problem that is coming between the two of you. If he believes he is hurting you and truly loves you, it would make sense that he attempts to keep distance though fails in the end, similar to him messaging you on various occasions. If feelings aren't there at all, I'd accept the situation as it is and open yourself up to other dates and partners. However, if you slightly have the desire to be with him again, it may be worth it to talk to him and see where it goes. It's possible to set boundaries and give it a try once more without inflicting too much pain. Best of luck!
Author Elsa281 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) Dear MJAlex, I do have feelings for him, but he really hurt me, and I no longer trust him. He is also quite manipulative, so I don't know what stands behind his behavior. He usually blames himself some time after thing are happening, but when I told him I was hurt he blamed it on me. His initial respond to criticism (even when I am doing all the effort to put it in the most delicate way I can), is to be defensive, and attack back. Thank you for your reply. I know it's impossible for me to consider getting back together right now, because I'll get hurt once again, and I don't think it will be dignifying for myself to come back to him after he dumped me twice, and on the first time I was the one to initiate reconciliation. It's not just ego, it's about self respect. Don't you think? Edited March 4, 2015 by Elsa281
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