na49 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 During my meeting with my counselor today, she told me about how many people she sees who are just like me. That "nice" person, who is loyal, does what they are told, doesn't cheat, respects the relationship/wants to work on it. Then I thought about everyone dealing with heartbreak on here. A lot of us are mourning the loss of someone who treated us like garbage in the relationship, and/or cheated on us. We all want to get back together with the person who throws us away with no remorse. What attracts us all to these people who are not good for us? Why is it that all of these "nice guys" don't attract "nice girls" (and vice versa) more often? Or do they find each other more often than I think? I'm not really sure if my question makes sense, but I'd be interested to hear other people's thoughts.
BunHeadLA Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 This is an interesting question and discussion!! For me, I have had 3 important and serious relationships love wise. My first was when I was 22, we lasted until I was 28!! We slowly grew apart, sex stopped 3 years into the relationship with no discussion then affection stopped a year before breaking up. He wasn't a jerk, we just grew apart. My second did treat me like crap relationship wise but gave me a place to live for over 2 years. One minute I was his girlfriend, the next minute he was chasing after 18 year olds... nearly all of his ex girlfriends feel negative about him in some way. I felt I couldn't do any better until his friend and I fell for each other. I thought third time was a charm but it ended abruptly and he wasn't a good guy when breaking up with me or after. It still pains me to this day. I know that my last ex, the one I still have feelings for is a "nice guy" on paper he is sweet, romantic, giving, smart, caring etc... and his current girlfriend would agree but I can't reconcile that with the way he ended things and the way he acted after that. More than likely we DO go into relationships with people we feel compatible with and we do feel are like us. I personally don't want someone just like me. I can be a little lazy sometimes, a bit overly emotional and jealous Those qualities annoy me in a mate and I want someone who can challenge me. One person can say they are "nice" yet reject a fellow "nice" person for someone superficially... she has more talent, she is taller, he has more money.. I'm interested in hearing other peoples views...
idoltree Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 During my meeting with my counselor today, she told me about how many people she sees who are just like me. That "nice" person, who is loyal, does what they are told, doesn't cheat, respects the relationship/wants to work on it. Then I thought about everyone dealing with heartbreak on here. A lot of us are mourning the loss of someone who treated us like garbage in the relationship, and/or cheated on us. We all want to get back together with the person who throws us away with no remorse. What attracts us all to these people who are not good for us? Why is it that all of these "nice guys" don't attract "nice girls" (and vice versa) more often? Or do they find each other more often than I think? I'm not really sure if my question makes sense, but I'd be interested to hear other people's thoughts. The people who are going to seek counseling are the ones who are "nice". They're there for self-improvement after all. And being/feeling hurt by someone is a big compelling factor to get someone in to seek therapy. The people posting on this website are of similar character. The people who are okay with their breakups aren't posting here, or driven to seek counseling. Single people, or people in happy relationships are generally not posting in breakup/coping forums. The pattern you are seeing is simply an artifact of the nature of people who are drawn to the places where you are observing them. People who are conscientious and upset about breakups are going to over-analyze the heck out of them in counselors' offices and self-help/advice websites. Don't use that to draw larger generalizations about relationships because your sample is flawed. 1
darkbloom Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I would consider my ex a 'nice guy' who lost himself and made some very poor decisions on the way down the rabbit hole. I would also consider myself a 'nice girl'. I was attracted to his niceness and his innocence. He doesn't have a lot of experience with actions versus consequences. I think that he was trying to find himself like all guys in their twenties do. He made a lot of bad decisions and then couldn't get himself out of the hole he dug. I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt me. But alas, he did. And he should be seeking counseling. I did seek out the nice guy and it blew up in my face.
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