xyz1234 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 So I've been dating a girl who I met online for about two months now (just one date per week on the weekend usually) and I've been kind of unsure about where I want things to go. For a while I figured that was ok, since it was early and things were still pretty casual, and she seemed to be keeping a distance in some ways. For instance she wouldn't tell me her last name on our first date, and the only way I found out was by seeing it on her credit card a few dates later. We also aren't FB friends and she seems to have made it next to impossible to find her on FB. Sometimes when she's out with friends she texts me a screenshot of a picture of her on FB, but she'll blatantly adjust the view so I can't see her name (presumably so I can't find her profile?). Anyway, it's suddenly starting to seem like she wants more than a casual relationship. The last time we hung out she hinted at wanting to meet my parents and she basically begged me not to leave at the end and told me she was sad she wouldn't get to see me for a week. Now normally if I were very interested these things would have made me happy but there's something I've been struggling with that has me not as attracted to her as I would want to be in order to commit to a relationship. What's been bothering me is that she wears wayyy too much makeup, and it seems like she's doing it to hide blemishes around her mouth (hopefully not herpes or anything...). It's kind of bumpy looking, and just not attractive. I hate that I'm being superficial like this but when I look at her face it's kind of all I can see at this point, and I feel like it makes her look much older (we're both 27). I hoped that maybe she would ease up on the makeup after a few dates but she hasn't yet, and the last time we hung out I saw out of the corner of my eye that she was picking at the blemishes on her face a lot, so she probably has something going on that she's not allowing to heal. Who knows if she's caused permanent damage to her skin at this point. I thought about asking her why she keeps touching her face but thought better of it since it's probably something she's insecure about. I think what's been keeping me around is that from a distance or in pictures I'm very attracted to her face (because you can't see the skin issues), and I like her body and personality (minus the fact that she seems kind of insecure). I keep hanging out with her hoping she'll ease up on the makeup or maybe the breakout or whatever she may be having has gotten better but it's always the same. Now that she seems to be pushing for something more serious I feel like I need to make a decision soon, and I'm stressing because I like her and don't want to hurt her. I also know that it's not fair to keep dating someone who wants something more serious when I have this hangup. If anyone has had any experiences like this or suggestions I'd appreciate it!
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 You are not doing either of you any good by hanging on to a relationship that isn't making you happy. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I think you need to go back and re-read your own opening post. I think you already know the answer to your question. D0nnivain is correct in saying what she said. Hanging on to someone in the hopes it might make sense or change or become better is a horrible way to start a relationship. You either want to be with her exclusively or you don't. There are no half measures when it comes to happy relationships unfortunately. Good luck. 2
Vintage79 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Stop seeing her and do both of you a favor. You've been seeing her for 2 months - you should have a pretty good idea of what she's like, and you don't seem to have much interest in seeing more, while she's suggested she wants more (i.e. she wishes it wasn't a week until she sees you again). As such, she wants more, you don't - save her the heartache and find yourself something that excites you a bit more. Is it lame to be focusing on her potential acne at this point? Yes, but only because it's 2 months in...but it is what it is... 1
Author xyz1234 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 Well, part of my problem is that I have so little relationship experience. It makes me more liable to hang in there longer and give things more of a chance. I feel like that could be both a good and a bad thing. As far as her suggesting that she wants to see me more, while I'm feeling like I don't want to see her more than once or twice a week... I honestly think I would feel that way with anyone, just because that's the way I am. I'm kind of a loner type, definitely an introvert who needs alone time to recharge. It was an issue in my last relationship, but I felt more normal at the time because we spent more time together than I've been spending with the current girl due to her basically requiring that we spend every minute of every weekend together (and even then it wasn't nearly enough, as she wanted me to move in with her after just three months). It affected me negatively and by the end of each weekend I was always glad to finally get some time to recharge. Now I'm starting to realize that I think I'm very different from most people in this way. I really don't like to have lots of plans for my week. When I'm single I only want to hang out with friends once or twice a week. A good week for me is Monday-Friday being work, gym, then hanging out at home (maybe doing something with friends one day after work), going out and doing something Saturday or Saturday night, then hanging out at home being lazy for most of Sunday. And for all of that downtime... it doesn't really feel like downtime unless I'm alone. So maybe I'm just not compatible with 99% of girls? I really feel like I could be in love with someone and only want to see them once or twice a week. My ex drove me crazy but there were also times where I felt the closest thing to being in love I've ever felt and I still needed my space. I'd be willing to make sacrifices if things were to get serious but this is just how I am. As for the acne thing... I guess it's just frustrating that she seems to be trying to hide it and making it look worse in the process. Maybe if she'd use less makeup and stop picking at her face it wouldn't be an issue or it's just a breakout and it will clear up? It just seems so weird because I see her in pictures and think her face is gorgeous... and then I see it up close and all I can see is makeup covered blemishes, being made to look even worse because she picks at them while the makeup is on. And the irony in all this is my mom does makeup, facials, etc for a living and could probably help her a lot... if I decide I want her to meet my parents...
Gary S Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Since you don't really love her, why continue? If you loved her, you would not notice the acne or cold sores. When a man truly loves a woman, her flaws tend to disappear, when seen through his eyes. 1
Vintage79 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Since you don't really love her, why continue? If you loved her, you would not notice the acne or cold sores. When a man truly loves a woman, her flaws tend to disappear, when seen through his eyes. Well - that's kind of true. I don't think that problems disappear if you love the person, they just don't bother you (or they bug you, but they're tolerable). That said, they've only been dating 2 months - I don't think busting out love logic is necessarily the best thing to do quite yet. Regardless - I totally agree - based on everything the OP has stated, in particular his last response, he should bail - he's not that into this girl...even if the situation is tolerable for him, he knows it's short term - all he's going to do is end up hurting this girl more if he keeps prolonging the inevitable.
Eighty_nine Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 First, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm bisexual (admittedly with much more experience dating men than women), and the heavy makeup thing would be a huge turn off. She might be trying to cover serious blemishes, but she also may just be going way overboard making herself up. It's hard to say. Anyway, I think you should try to take that out of the equation and assess your feelings. Keeping the makeup issue out of it, how strongly do you feel? I have a feel it's her insecurity that the heavy makeup implies more than the makeup itself. And it's true, insecurity can be a huge turnoff. So if you think of her ASIDE from that issue, how interested are you? On a scale from 1-10, are you at least a 7 on your interest level, forgetting the makeup issue? If so, I think you should say- "Hey, I think you're beautiful, but the makeup covers up so much of your face. Would you be comfortable with letting me see you without it?" I don't think that is rude, unreasonable, or overstepping boundaries. If you find yourself below that level of interest, I think you should stop seeing her.
Leigh 87 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 You're just not that into her. I really do think there is someone for everyone. Sometimes people fall fast, and other times people take a few dates to really start to feel "into" their partner. In either case, even in slower burn instances, you should definitely NOT be saying statements such as " well, she isn't really attractive enough for me to want to consider a long term relationship with her?" After two months, you should be really into her by now......You should be in the honeymoon phase where she is always on your mind, where you get really excited about seeing her and you shouldn't be able to keep your hands off one another......This IS a sexual relationship, if not now, it is sexual in its intent... My friend met a guy... he was so into her, he totally overlooked her gaining 20 lbs - he felt EVERY bit as crazy about her and attracted to her as on day one, when she was 20 lbs lighter! If a guy I was into got acne or cold sores And/or gained some weight, you can bet that I would NOT be less attracted to him; I would try to help him to resolve the issue so that his own self esteem wouldn't take a bashing and because long term weight gain is unhealthy and skin issues can be simple to remedy if you see a dermatologist. I really just think you should let this girl go, she deserves a guy who would be crazy about her after two months and who would be thrilled about dating her! Too many people continue dating those who they just don't have much passion or even interest for, simply because they are " nice enough" and " will do for now, they are nice to me and they have a nice personality, but after 2 months I kind of sort of don't know how I feel for them" I am a dating fanatic albeit I am taking a break from it for now; Let me ASSURE you..... If you want your relationship to LAST... you HAVE to go through the initial honeymoon period, where you feel butterflies or that physical; sensation of excitement and exhilaration upon thinking about hem or SEEING them.... If you don't even have the honeymoon phase to begin with, when you are reallllly into her and you just cannot keep you hands off of her and you feel THRILLED at the prospect of dating her - Things will NEVER suddenly become passionate or great....... It is two months already. You should be totally loved up and giddy with excitement over when you're next hanging out. If you want a relationship that bypasses the honeymoon stages, sure. Keep seeing her. But don't you WANT to hold out for a girl where the chemistry is a little more "right", and you just ARE super excited about her? Doesn't have to be instant chemistry but it does need to kick in after a few dates, two months and still no burning desire over this woman is not sufficient to sustain a long term relationship...... Unless you are thrilled at the notion of a friendship based, compassionate relationship that is devoid of passion or hot regular sex. ^^^... I didn't think so.....
fitnessfan365 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Man, not wanting to continue seeing her because of a few blemishes on her face is a bit harsh and way too over the top superficial IMO. But in the end, if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it. Better just to end it.
Author xyz1234 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 First, I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'm bisexual (admittedly with much more experience dating men than women), and the heavy makeup thing would be a huge turn off. She might be trying to cover serious blemishes, but she also may just be going way overboard making herself up. It's hard to say. Anyway, I think you should try to take that out of the equation and assess your feelings. Keeping the makeup issue out of it, how strongly do you feel? I have a feel it's her insecurity that the heavy makeup implies more than the makeup itself. And it's true, insecurity can be a huge turnoff. So if you think of her ASIDE from that issue, how interested are you? On a scale from 1-10, are you at least a 7 on your interest level, forgetting the makeup issue? If so, I think you should say- "Hey, I think you're beautiful, but the makeup covers up so much of your face. Would you be comfortable with letting me see you without it?" I don't think that is rude, unreasonable, or overstepping boundaries. If you find yourself below that level of interest, I think you should stop seeing her. I think it may be a little bit of both, covering serious blemishes and going way overboard making herself up. I can't recall a time in my life where I met a girl near my age and thought "wow, she wears too much makeup" besides this one instance. And I think you're right about her insecurity being what's turning me off. On a couple of our early dates she mentioned that she hadn't been a relationship in over 3 years and seemed to think something was wrong with her. She also has brought up on two occasions that her college roommate told her years ago that she "doesn't look like a model." Hearing this stuff is a huge turnoff, and I'm not sure why someone would say things like this to someone they're pursuing. Every time I feel like I have to give her compliments and I really don't want to be in a relationship where my words are all that's keeping a girl from falling apart. As far as the 1-10 scale, I'd say I'm right about at a 7, which is what's making this difficult. I'm kind of waiting for something to tip the scale one way or the other. I think that's a good idea about asking to see her without the makeup, the way you said. The only issue I have with that is that what I see is probably going to be a make or break type thing. If I don't like what I see and feel that I shouldn't see her anymore she will have a pretty good idea why.
Author xyz1234 Posted March 6, 2015 Author Posted March 6, 2015 Sometimes people fall fast, and other times people take a few dates to really start to feel "into" their partner. In either case, even in slower burn instances, you should definitely NOT be saying statements such as " well, she isn't really attractive enough for me to want to consider a long term relationship with her?" I get what you're saying, but the problem is I really don't know whether I find her attractive enough to consider a long-term relationship. Like lissvarna said, I think the makeup thing makes me feel that she is insecure, and that's a big turnoff on top of just not liking the look. I think I'll take her advice and try to ask if she'd let me see her without so much makeup. After two months, you should be really into her by now......You should be in the honeymoon phase where she is always on your mind, where you get really excited about seeing her and you shouldn't be able to keep your hands off one another......This IS a sexual relationship, if not now, it is sexual in its intent... I hear you, but I'm not really the most excitable person overall. Maybe I've been let down too much when I've gotten excited and now I have my guard up. I think part of my problem is I've been hurt pretty badly twice in the past 7 months, and I went into dating this girl thinking to myself that I would not let myself get hurt this time... which also means not letting myself be vulnerable (at least initially) which is probably necessary in a healthy relationship. As far as not being able to keep our hands off one another, that is true when I'm with her. The sex is good and I'm very attracted to her body. It's just once she's out of sight she's for the most part out of mind. But that may be partly due to having my guard up. Part of me doesn't want to care so much about someone that I'd think about them all the time. I really just think you should let this girl go, she deserves a guy who would be crazy about her after two months and who would be thrilled about dating her! Too many people continue dating those who they just don't have much passion or even interest for, simply because they are " nice enough" and " will do for now, they are nice to me and they have a nice personality, but after 2 months I kind of sort of don't know how I feel for them" Problem is, I really don't think there's anyone I'd let myself be crazy about. So far in my life every time I've gotten serious feelings for someone I QUICKLY got hurt. If that means taking things really slowly and making sure the person I'm dating is who I think they are before hitting that "honeymoon phase" then so be it. I honestly find it pretty crazy when I see people who just met like a week ago start posting pictures and stuff on Facebook as if they're in love. I have no idea how people can put themselves through feeling that way about someone they really don't even know yet and who will probably let them down.
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