equitable Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 It has been a year of The Break Up That Will Not End. He wanted to remain close friends. He kept finding business reasons to contact me, then became more personal, using endearments, etc....but refusing to address the reasons I broke up with him, or answer the questions I was left with. He has returned to his swinger life, without telling me. I know it's not my business anymore, but it's deceptive, having numerous sex partners and girlfriends, while romancing me, acting as if it's just him and me--and then telling me I'm imagining this romancing when I call him on it. But it's finally over. As of last night/ this morning, I've 'fired' him from the business and he has quit the group we were in. But I'm left feeling unjustly accused, unheard, and wondering why his apologies fall flat and feel like empty words. In part, it's that he says, 'I'm sorry I hurt you,' while denying any specific event actually happened, in fact, telling me I'm imagining things. In part, it's the feeling he's sorry I hurt...but well, it's really my own fault. He's sorry I hurt...but he has no intention of doing a thing about that which hurts me (his refusal to listen, telling me I'm imagining things, etc.) He's sorry I hurt...but nothing actually happened. He's sorry I hurt...but he's not changing a thing. I am working through whether it matters in the end to know why his apologies feel hollow (maybe, because he keeps telling me he has apologized, and the problem is I can't accept his apologies...and I don't 'accept' them because they ring untrue.) I am working through whether to even bother addressing this with him. (Probably not as I know it won't get us or me anywhere, and it only continues the drama.) I'm working through how I got to a point with XH of no longer needing or caring about the lack of apology, yet seem unable to do so with XBF. (I think maybe because I completely lost respect for XH. It hurts to lose that respect for XBF, in whom I saw so much good while we were together.) I'm trying to figure out what I think a genuine apology would look or sound like, and trying to figure out why I care, given that in truth, he has set his life up in such a way that there's probably really no fixing any of the problems, anyway, and I see no way for him to 'make amends,' apart from being the one to leave the group so we can finally get some separation from each other. I understand this logically, yet my heart is still crying for some genuine apology, some acknowledgment that his behavior really was debasing and dismissive. In the experience of those here...what is it we want in these situations, and what finally brings the peace and the healing?
mightycpa Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 The only thing that will bring you peace is when you catch up to him. He doesn't really care.
Ruby65 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I have to agree. Take the next year and cut off all contact completely.... you'll find yourself caring much much less about what this clown does or says or thinks or feels. There's no special words that bring closure. No *magic apology formula* to help you walk away. Even if there was -- this guy wouldn't know them, because he ISN'T sorry. He DOESN'T care. He enjoys having you exactly where you are -- it's a big ego-stroke for him, your "friendship". Closure is a myth. The only thing close to closure is... no longer caring. And that's a beautiful happy day, when it finally happens! 2
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