wantnotshould Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 She contacted me. After I specifically told her that I needed time. That I could see ourselves being friends in the future, but that I needed to work on me now. I sent this through an email about 5 days ago. She texted me that she wanted to remain friends, and that if I ever regret the decision that I could contact her anytime. She said she never wanted to lose me from her life completely. That she understands what I need and that she wished it were different. That she hopes the best for me, and that we simply weren't meant to be. That I don't have to go through this alone (depression/anxiety/medical problems). She also stated that she doesn't hate me. That I deserve the world. To demand the best from whoever comes next in my life, and that I will always hold a spot in her heart. Followed by 3 heart emoticons. I didn't answer. 5 minutes later another text about the dog we got together. She asked if she could see it occasionally, or if it was officially mine. She then texted me. "Please answer this, I won't text you anymore." I'm in-between: replying "Give me some time." and immediately blocking her OR not replying at all. I'm afraid that if I don't reply she'll get upset and want to take the dog back. After all she had to convince me to get it when we were dating. I just fell in love and spent more time with it during the relationship because she was busier. I love this dog. It keeps me going everyday and I'm afraid to lose it. I do see us being friends in the future. But that can only occur after I have completely gotten over her. I don't know when that will be. Please someone give me advice.
Stercrazy Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 If the dog has primarily lived with you and you paid for or it was given to you.....it's yours. Sounds like she wants to keep you in the background for reasons only she knows. I would go full NC and enjoy having a pet.
sabd Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I'd send her a one-liner: Please give me time and don't text again. That way, you're not causing any pain for her and you're stating what you need. End of. After that, go full No Contact until you're strong enough to have a non-emotional conversation about the dog and make a decision about possibly being friends with her. 2
mightycpa Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 How about this? No to the dog. Don't call me, I'll call you. I'm blocking you now.
Author wantnotshould Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 She's the dumper. The dog we got together. She had to beg me to get her dog and it was always implied that she'd get the dog if we broke up. During the break up she asked me if I wanted the dog. I said yes. She said goodbye to it and said ok. I told her we could also take turns. We agreed to that, but she never came to take it. She kept it one night and then came to visit it randomly an afternoon. Both times I left the apartment and she came saw it and left without seeing each other. I want to keep the dog. It brings me comfort and helps me with my depression and anxiety. I wouldn't mind taking turns with the dog in the future, but right now I need to heal and focus on me. I'm planning on saying something like: "Being in contact with you does me harm. I need space and time to heal. I will contact you regarding the dog when I'm ready."
redglass Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 She's the dumper. The dog we got together. She had to beg me to get her dog and it was always implied that she'd get the dog if we broke up. During the break up she asked me if I wanted the dog. I said yes. She said goodbye to it and said ok. I told her we could also take turns. We agreed to that, but she never came to take it. She kept it one night and then came to visit it randomly an afternoon. Both times I left the apartment and she came saw it and left without seeing each other. I want to keep the dog. It brings me comfort and helps me with my depression and anxiety. I wouldn't mind taking turns with the dog in the future, but right now I need to heal and focus on me. I'm planning on saying something like: "Being in contact with you does me harm. I need space and time to heal. I will contact you regarding the dog when I'm ready." Who paid for the dog? Who paid for the dog's upkeep? Was the dog a joint decision and did you provide joint care? If you were both responsible for the above, it does seem a little unfair that she will never see the dog again. And I don't think ignoring her text about the dog will do you any good - she might use it as a excuse to keep contacting you and lay claim to the dog. Reply to her - but focus solely on the dog. Ask her to respect your request for space. Ask her to leave the dog in your care, at least for the time being. See how she handles a respectful reply, then proceed from there.
Author wantnotshould Posted March 3, 2015 Author Posted March 3, 2015 The dog was split. All the bills for the dog were split. And I do think it's fair to get joint custody, but right now I need some space for me, to work on me. How do I say this?
redglass Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Say exactly what you posted above. You will share custody of the dog, but would appreciate some space at the moment. If she becomes pushy in the next few weeks, arrange for the dog to be dropped off and picked up by a third party. Don't allow her to make the dog situation into some big drama. 2
JS84 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Hell I'd just ignore the texts and try to move on. She's showing you no respect at all. As for the dog it's just that. A dog, not a child. And from the sounds of it, looks like it's yours now. And I'd put the "being friends" thinking on ice. 2
Author wantnotshould Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 Thank you. I replied that I believe it's fair to share custody, but that I need space and time. I told her I will contact her when I'm ready. I immediately blocked her. I'm not going to lie. Part of me is still clinging onto hope. But at least I am no longer thinking about her contacting me and have been focusing more on myself.
Ruby65 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 It's good you've blocked her -- it's important to take the time you need to heal. It will take as long as it takes. Don't feel bad about clinging on to hope. I don't think it's a negative. I see the hope as a liferaft you're clinging to at first. In time, as you get stronger, you can gradually start to weaken your grip until one day you don't need it anymore and can let go completely. I'm a big dog and cat lover, but I have to agree.... dogs AREN'T kids. Joint custody isn't necessary. If she misses the dog, tough on her. YOU are a human being and your emotional well-being comes first, always. Maybe a year or two down the line, when you're all set up with your future new way-better girlfriend, you can consider letting this ex come visit her former pet. But really, with your dog, you're looking at a good 10-15 years ahead together.... do you REALLY want to keep some tired old ex around that long?
Author wantnotshould Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 (edited) I found out recently that she had been thinking of breaking up with me for 6 months. I have of course tried to figure out what this means. Does it mean I was so hard to leave that she stuck around? Does it mean she was hoping for change but it didn't happen and she left? Does it mean the last 6 months of our relationship was a lie? Why did she continue to act normal if she was having those thoughts? Was she just afraid to leave because of how long we were together (4 years)? I have tried to stop thinking now. I know I won't know what the reason is. I'm basically just torturing myself. I have gotten to a point where if she comes back, I don't know if I'd take her back. How will I be able to trust her after her leaving me at my worst? YET, I still want her to come back. I don't know if I want her to come back to reject her. Or if I hope she'll beg me back just to boost my ego. Or if I secretly think we can still make it work. I don't know. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She wanted to remain friends. I could see a good friendship form out of this eventually. Like years down the road. But I need to be completely over her. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I know the best strategy is NC, and ignoring breadcrumbs. I wasn't ignoring breadcrumbs. I gave in about a week ago and sent her an email explaining my behavior throughout the last year in the relationship (I was depressed/anxious and in denial, as a result I became controlling and needy, and was a bad girlfriend. I don't blame her for getting fed up). I apologized for it, and told her that I needed space and asked her not to contact me. 5 days later, she contacts me saying she "understands" my decision, but hopes it were different. She never wanted to lose me completely from her life, and wished we could remain friends. When I don't respond she texts me about our dog. She wants to know if I'm keeping it or we are sharing it. I respond and block her. I guess I'm left wondering, that now that she knows I'm making an effort to move on, is she is having second thoughts? As soon as I told her to not contact me, she started contacting me in a more desperate manner. ("This isn't what I wanted"; "Please respond"; "I won't contact you anymore when you respond") Did she have me as plan B, and now that her plan B is moving on, she is getting scared? Or is she truly just scared of losing my friendship? I honestly think she still cares deeply for me and either got the GIGS or just "fell out of love" and wanted to explore the single life. I was the passive girlfriend in the relationship, so I think it caught her by surprise that I am now being assertive and doing stuff for me, regardless of what she thinks. Anyways, it's been in the back of my mind. I know I should be focusing on my life right now and not on her. And I have been, but I still have these thoughts every once in a while. I figured I'm better off venting here. All opinions welcome. Edited March 5, 2015 by wantnotshould Separating trains of thoughts.
Ruby65 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Actually, most dumpers decide to break up and then take many months to quietly (secretly) detach emotionally while they come to accept their decision. So yeah -- six months is typical. In longterm marriages, people can often go years quietly detaching and preparing to leave. This is why she probably seemed ready to move on right away, while you were still reeling from the shock of it. She had a lot of time to get used to the idea. What would be unusual is for someone to leave a relationship on impulse, without having taken the time to thoroughly think it through and adjust. I would guess she's using you as a Plan B -- sort of. She probably just wants the security of knowing you're still there as a backup in case it doesn't work out with anyone else. Your friendship -- while it might make her feel more secure now and less lonely -- will be an albatross around her neck the moment she becomes romantically involved with someone else. Exes often disappear as soon as a new prospect appears on the horizon, even just as friends. For you, for your healing, the best course would be to stop all this back and forth contact. It's only slowing down your healing. Why sacrifice your own well-being, just to prevent an ex from having to go through the breakup without you there to hold her hand? 1
Author wantnotshould Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 If she'd been considering it for 6 months why not mention something? Make it known somehow? Why keep it a secret? It would at least have shielded my heart. I took the decision of firmly planting NC for my own sake. I am also moving out of the apartment we used to share and am currently attempting to get a new job, as we work in the same company and although I have been able to avoid her lately, it will happen that I bump into her, and right now I don't believe I'm ready for that. You are right. There is no point in delaying my healing while speeding hers. I'm on my own now. Therefore I think of me above all else.
Ruby65 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Dumpers keep it to themselves until they're fully convinced this is what they want and have had time to adjust to it, emotionally. Often they'll even delay the breakup until there's someone new on the horizon they want to pursue. After all, for them, what's the rush? People dislike change. There's a huge inner struggle that goes on for a long time before every breakup. There's a lot of denial and acceptance that needs to be worked through for a dumper... just like we need time to work through the shock and denial on the other end! Keep putting yourself first. Keep taking steps along the path you're on. There's someone so much better for you waiting just a bit down the road! 1
Chi townD Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 No advice to give, dude. You set up your boundaries and she needs to respect them. You know you need time to heal and move on. So, if she happens to text again and you don't answer, she knows exactly why.
Author wantnotshould Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 After all, for them, what's the rush? This stuck with me. Thank you! Yeah, it will get better. I'm a pretty ****ing awesome person. She is the one missing out. I just need to remind myself constantly of this. This is a great learning experience and I'm going to grow because of it. I'll make someone even happier than I made her and that person will make me even better. Gotta stick to positive thinking. 2
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