NJ123 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 What is it about a lot of women still wanting to be close with their ex? Most guys are not okay with that at all. How would you feel if your boyfriend was alone with one of his exes & was close with her? Their an ex for a reason. Being around an ex could develop feelings for them again, why do you think so many people cheat on their current partner with an ex for? That would not be okay with me at all.
Author alliemai Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 What is it about a lot of women still wanting to be close with their ex? Most guys are not okay with that at all. How would you feel if your boyfriend was alone with one of his exes & was close with her? Their an ex for a reason. Being around an ex could develop feelings for them again, why do you think so many people cheat on their current partner with an ex for? That would not be okay with me at all. Not sure if you read my other posts, but my boyfriend is also hanging out with his ex-girlfriend and talks to her a lot. More than I do, even, and I don't have a problem with it as I trust him and know how crazy he is about me. And it is not like I am hanging out with all my exes, I usually don't do this. This is a special instance and this ex just happens to be a friend now. You are fine. You talked to your BF as most of us were encouraging you to do. He's OK with the lunch; we're OK with the lunch; & you are not the worst GF ever. My issue was with you wanting to hide the lunch from your BF knowing that lunch with M (your EX) bothered him. Since you have now been up front & your BF is fine with, bon appetit! Thanks. I feel better now as well about everything. Look, you are clearly very young and naive. I'm 35 today, but when I was 21 I probably would have made the same arguments you are making today. It is most likely a mistake to keep XBF's around. I am almost 30, BF is in his 30s. We are not young and naive, both of us have been in long meaningful relationships. You make it seem as if I am keeping all my exes around for whatever reason. I don't do this usually, and I am not condoning this sort of thing. I don't like that my ex is an ex, wish he wasn't, he's my friend and that's all there is to it. We are having the same friends and are in school together so avoiding him would be very difficult. He's part of my life, simple as that. At the same time, I must say I don't want to avoid him, because he is just a friend, nothing more.
whatcanitellyou Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I think it's important to remember that different people have different philosophies regarding contact with exes, it's just important that you be on the same page. In my mind there is no good reason to be "friends" with an ex and if my hb pulled this with me there would be problems. But I don't keep them around either. If you're both honest and ok with it then more power to you. It's been my experience that it usually doesn't work out well, but keep the lines of communication open.
BluEyeL Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Out of respect for my BF I would not have any contact with anyone I dated in the past, unless I have children with them, and even then, I'd try to limit interactions to issues relevant to co-parenting.
smackie9 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 When I broke up with someone, they had no purpose to me anymore, so there was no need to keep them in my life. I had np carrying on with my life without them.
SawtoothMars Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I am almost 30, BF is in his 30s. We are not young and naive, both of us have been in long meaningful relationships. You make it seem as if I am keeping all my exes around for whatever reason. I don't do this usually, and I am not condoning this sort of thing. I don't like that my ex is an ex, wish he wasn't, he's my friend and that's all there is to it. We are having the same friends and are in school together so avoiding him would be very difficult. He's part of my life, simple as that. At the same time, I must say I don't want to avoid him, because he is just a friend, nothing more. I'm honestly shocked that you are in this situation at such an advanced age. Also.... why are you still in school? I graduated at 22. My wife got out of medical school a 26. Are you in Europe or something? It's good that you had a talk with your BF. It would be good if you also had a boundary setting discussion with the XBF. I struggle with the idea that you can so easily move from a highly sexual and romantic relationship to perfectly platonic within 12 shorts months.
rester Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 The most troubling part about this has nothing to do with exes being friends or going out to lunch with them. It's the OP's blatant disregard for her current boyfriend's feelings and her lack of respect for them. That's generally a dealbreaker in healthy relationships.
fred123 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 im meeting up with me ex. we are good friends. she is staying the night at mine and we watching dvds. we will share the same bed. my gf is so insecure. i mean friends stay the night and watch dvds together no? OP makes me laugh so much. you make your own boundaries and rationalise anything you want to make it ok. there are still women like OP out there with warped thinking. OP you are the sort of girl i would want to marry (insert sarcastic face)
Author alliemai Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 im meeting up with me ex. we are good friends. she is staying the night at mine and we watching dvds. we will share the same bed. my gf is so insecure. i mean friends stay the night and watch dvds together no? OP makes me laugh so much. you make your own boundaries and rationalise anything you want to make it ok. there are still women like OP out there with warped thinking. OP you are the sort of girl i would want to marry (insert sarcastic face) Are you for real? Who said anything about watching DVDs and sleep in the same bed? I am not even seeing him in a private setting and I am not intending to. Glad I am being judged so blatantly on here. So glad I came to this forum full of judgmental people.
1040 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) I think there's a decent possibility that what the BF says he feels about the situation and what he really feels are different. OP, you might tell him you want the God's honest truth and see what he says. OP, next time you have a fight with your BF, don't run to the ex with a bottle of wine and start crying on his shoulder. We've all seen how that can go, more times than can be counted. In any case, good luck. Edited March 4, 2015 by 1040 3
Author alliemai Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 I think there's a decent possibility that what the BF says he feels about the situation and what he really feels are different. OP, you might tell him you want the God's honest truth and see what he says. OP, next time you have a fight with your BF, don't run to the ex with a bottle of wine and start crying on his shoulder. We've all seen how that can go, more times than can be counted. In any case, good luck. Oh my god, who do you guys think I am? This is getting so annoying, I am really frustrated. I haven't had a fight with my BF yet and if I would have I'd definitely not run to my ex to cry on his shoulder. My ex and me don't talk much about personal things anymore. Our conversations are mainly related to academia and world matters. I also think BF is very honest with me, we don't hide from each other how we "really" feel. That's bullcr@p...
Larry56 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I think you just want to have sex with your ex boyfriend unconsciously and you don't realize it.
guest569 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I think you just want to have sex with your ex boyfriend unconsciously and you don't realize it. Oh, I don't think it's that. haha
Els Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 You should absolutely tell your bf - and invite him to come along. All the secrecy will definitely make it look like there's something suspicious going on, even if there isn't. How would YOU feel if your bf met his ex for lunch and didn't tell you?
Author alliemai Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 I think you just want to have sex with your ex boyfriend unconsciously and you don't realize it. No, i don't. That would be counter productive. Thank you for your insightful comment.
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Alliemai You have to realize that some people who are replying are still replying to your 1st post. They didn't read the whole thread & missed the post where you said you talked to your current BF & he is now OK with the lunch. You no longer have a problem. If you continue to get latch on to responses here when they clearly didn't read your WHOLE thread, you will make yourself nuts.
fred123 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Are you for real? Who said anything about watching DVDs and sleep in the same bed? I am not even seeing him in a private setting and I am not intending to. Glad I am being judged so blatantly on here. So glad I came to this forum full of judgmental people. I'm sorry but you put yourself in these situations. you will get no sympathy from anyone here. you must be very young and naive. and also have no respect for your boyfriend whatsoever. thats the truth. you like drama. we men try avoid women like you. thats a fact. deal with it 1
fred123 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Alliemai You have to realize that some people who are replying are still replying to your 1st post. They didn't read the whole thread & missed the post where you said you talked to your current BF & he is now OK with the lunch. You no longer have a problem. If you continue to get latch on to responses here when they clearly didn't read your WHOLE thread, you will make yourself nuts. But why would she even do this? you are asking for trouble. I'm sorry but donnivain you can't surely be encouraging this behaviour. its not healthy or respectful. you have a new boyfriend move on. why still want to have lunch with your ex??? if i was your boyfriend id be gone like a shot and i wouldn't even explain to you cos if you don't understand what you are doing then I'm sorry you are...
Author alliemai Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 I'm sorry but you put yourself in these situations. you will get no sympathy from anyone here. you must be very young and naive. and also have no respect for your boyfriend whatsoever. thats the truth. you like drama. we men try avoid women like you. thats a fact. deal with it You don't know me or anything about my relationship history. You have no idea what my qualities are and for what reason my boyfriend and me have found each other and love and cherish each other. Your comments are really narrow-minded, judgmental and ignorant. I am not young and naive. Stop judging someone from one thread they posted. It's so wrong, just wrong.
Author alliemai Posted March 5, 2015 Author Posted March 5, 2015 Ok fred, I just saw this post by you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/512038-maybe-women-should-look-themselves And now I realize what kind of person you are; I no longer feel attacked by your comments as I have nothing but pity for a misogynist. It's 2015, get a grip.
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 But why would she even do this? you are asking for trouble. I'm sorry but donnivain you can't surely be encouraging this behaviour. its not healthy or respectful. you have a new boyfriend move on. why still want to have lunch with your ex??? if i was your boyfriend id be gone like a shot and i wouldn't even explain to you cos if you don't understand what you are doing then I'm sorry you are... It's her life. She says she & the EX are just friends. She talked to her current BF about this relationship & he is now fine with the arrangement. If the two people involved are OK with what is going on, who are we at LS to judge? I have lunch with men who are not my husband all the time. Most on LS would vilify me for that. My husband thinks nothing of it & neither do I. Because the people I have lunch with are not a threat to my marriage & everything is out in the open. DH would be welcome to come if he worked closer. Here, the OP said her BF would be welcome if he was local. There's no hiding. Being secretive causes problems more than eating in public with members of the opposite sex.
1040 Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 I have lunch with men who are not my husband all the time. Most on LS would vilify me for that.. No. Few, in fact, have a problem with married people having lunch with opposite-sex platonic friends. How can you possibly conclude that? It's the way it took OP the better part of a week to tell her BF, with whom she says she has an "honest and open" relationship, that she was going to have lunch with an ex-lover. The secrecy. Do you not see the diff? I applaud the OP for coming to the right decision.
Frank2thepoint Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Of course I am jealous, but that's normal. It's ironic you say this. Your jealousy is acceptable but your boyfriend's is not. You de-prioritize your boyfriend's concerns, simply calling him sensitive. The fact that you mentioned your ex-boyfriend is a confident man, you are comparing your boyfriend to your ex, and denigrating your boyfriend's concerns because you think they are not at the same level as your ex-boyfriend's confident nature.
SawtoothMars Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Ok fred, I just saw this post by you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/512038-maybe-women-should-look-themselves And now I realize what kind of person you are; I no longer feel attacked by your comments as I have nothing but pity for a misogynist. It's 2015, get a grip. For what it's worth... I think that IF you want to keep an ex as a friend... you are going about this the correct way. I don't advise doing that in general, but I feel like you have it under control from your end. I just think your xBF may be seeing this differently, so you should have that conversation with him. Otherwise... Ignore the haters... don't feed the trolls... and best wishes with your relationship!
stellamaria Posted March 5, 2015 Posted March 5, 2015 Hmm. This is difficult. I have an ex that I'm friends with. Actually we have only ever had two weekends together physically, the rest of our 'relationship' was long-distance, online/texts etc. We are friends now, we get along. He's clever, funny, sweet, and we all need as many friends like that in our lives. My last ex hated this ex I'm friends with. I ended up breaking contact with him completely because he was so uneasy about it. But I genuinely have no romantic feelings for him at all. He is going to be in the area in a couple of months and I'm planning on spending the day with him, I'm not sure how my husband will feel. I'd imagine he won't be bothered, but if he is, I won't do it. I would not be pleased if my husband wanted to go for lunch with his ex, though. Would you mind your boyfriend going to lunch with his ex?
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