Lunch with Ex - should I tell my BF?

[gaius]

I know it.must be an enormous turn off to have your boyfriend roll over and pee himself at the mention of your ex, and only makes you want to gravitate back toward him, but if you want to stay with your boyfriend you can't do that. =/ Eithet he's eventually going to find out you're hanging out again and implode with insecurity or something will end up happening between you two that will destroy your current relationship.

[smackie9]

It's doesn't have to be that cut and dry.

 

I meet up with ex's. My girlfriend also has exs who are friends. Were both fine with it. Were fortunate in that we have a secure and happy relationship, built on trust and communication. Problems only arise when these qualities aren't present - in this case both seem lacking to a degree...

 

This is because you both are on the same page, and find that it is not inappropriate behavior to do so.

 

OP: There needs to be a balance. Your BF can't help the way he feels, and it's not something that needs to be addressed in a therapist's chair....his reaction is normal. This is his point of view on how one should conduct themselves with ex romantic partners, etc. Since you don't agree with it, then you need to find a BF that does. There is no point in being deceitful and do things behind his back just because he can't agree it's OK to have meet ups and lunches with a recent ex.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

OP, you are sabotaging your relationship with your BF without even knowing it. Normally I would say just invite your BF along, BUT....

 

If your BF is the sensitive type, he is going to feel very intimidated by your ex if hes an athletic cocky/confident type of guy. Its like throwing a lamb into the lion's den.

[alliemai]

First of all, thanks to everyone for replying, even though you guys seem to have a very strong opinion on "what kind of girlfriend/woman" I am...

I will try to not let that get to me.

 

I see the majority of people finds my behaviour inappropriate. But I think you missed the part where I wrote that my boyfriend is also friends with his (even), let's say, 'most important' ex, the one he was with for 4 years and who he says he loved very much. They talk regularly, and even though she is in another country right now, she will come back in a few months and they will be meeting up. I haven't said anything against it, even though I am jealous of her, of course, as they share a lot of history. But they broke up 3 years ago, so it has been a while and he has moved on.

 

I really don't see what his deal is, and DON'T agree that his jealousy is justified in any way.

 

I am falling in love with my boyfriend and even though I haven't told him that, I feel we both are crazy for one another and both never felt this intensely for anybody (that's what he told me, and even though I haven't said it back, I feel the same way).

 

All your comments made me want to just confront my boyfriend and tell him about the plans for lunch with my ex. I will also say I won't go if he wishes for me to do so, so in the end it will be up for him, and if he says it is fine, it will be a step for him to learn that he can trust me.

And seriously - it is just lunch, in a lousy restaurant next to campus, with a bunch of study mates around and in-between lectures. There is nothing romantic or mystic about it, there is nothing secretive about it, it's just a catch-up lunch.

 

And yes, I do cherish the friendship I have with my ex a lot, I have known him for a good while and I like talking to him about academic things. He also often helps me with assignments, as he is much better at some of the subjects than I am. There isn't a romantic link anymore, also i might add that I was the one who broke up with HIM, as I didn't feel the relationship was going anywhere and he wasn't really what I hoped he would be, boyfriend-wise. Just because he isn't a romantic interest anymore doesn't make him less of a potentially good friend.

 

My boyfriend would be a hypocrite if I'd have to cut all contact with my ex while he still is friends with his ex, who seems to have had a much bigger impact on his life than my ex ever had. Besides, I am not the person who'd just jump into bed with her ex, and my boyfriend knows this (He knows my dating history and I know his, we've also known each other for a good while).

 

So, I will talk to my boyfriend about this now and see what he says. I will just be fully honest with him, as I realize that's what I want out of this relationship. I don't want to have secrets, I also feel it would make me feel less close to him if I'd keep this from him, and I'd feel seriously bad about it. It's just not me.

Let's see how he feels about this.

[smackie9]

Communication is what fixes the majority issues....I'm surprised so many have to post threads to figure out such a simple thing.

[carhill]

Ha, the whole industry of counseling exists, in part, to foster healthy communication skills.

 

In that vein, since it appears the OP is jealous of the BF's interactions with a prior ex, they have apparent mutual jealousy to discuss and resolve. IME, keeping everything out there on the table and authentic is what fosters increasing confidence and trust in the relationship and one's partner. It's a great way to determine compatibility if this is to be a long term relationship with the potential of family in the future. Problem resolution skills are critical in the long haul. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

I don't see how this soon after a break up two people can be friends: either you & your EX or your BF & his EX.

 

I have EXs that I am cordial to. By that I mean when we randomly bump into each other we spend a few minutes talking & catching up but we don't plan to meet up, ever. Sometimes in the course of bumping into them I have consumed food with them. I phrase it that way because it goes like this: while out of the office I randomly run into them. We are all in the same industry so they can be hard to avoid. Sometimes it's lunch time when that happens. We all have a limited amount of time to eat so we multi-task: catch up & eat simultaneously both going dutch in a well lit industrial cafeteria surrounded by other colleagues who know us both in the most unromantic setting ever. I always tell DH when I see these guys.

 

One guy I did a project for -- he paid me -- so we had some work related e-mail contact after I talked with DH about his comfort level with me doing the project. That EX & I had been apart for 20 years (yes you read that right) when I did the project. Shortly after our break up (with in the 1st 5 years) I never would have attempted such interaction, not because I liked him but because I hated him. lol

 

Here your LDR BF of only a few short months has expressed unease about your interactions with your EX who is located closer to you. Rather than respect that & give your EX a wide berth, you are trying to find a way to hide your interactions from your BF: a sin of omission. It's not healthy.

 

If you are going to insist, the only possible way to do this above board is to ask permission of your BF before the lunch & cancel it if your BF says no he's not comfortable. Going behind his back is no way to reassure him & establish trust.

 

While I do believe in what I call pre-existing friends -- people of the opposite sex who were in your life before your new SO & who the new SO has to deal with, no questions asked, -- EXs are an exception. New SOs get to request limited contact with EXs & you can only determine who you care about more the EX or the SO. Here you're picking the EX. What does that tell you?

[alliemai]

Mhh, d0nnivain, I must disagree with you (and some others) here. I mean, I really am not friends with many of my exes, I used to date a guy for almost 4 years and after we broke up it took 3 years of not talking before we sort of 'talked it out' and now we occasionally write each other or catch up. That's it. My other relationships ended badly and I don't want anything to do with those exes. In this case, it really just happens to be someone I should have just been friends with in the first place. I really just don't see the big deal here, it's not like this guy was the love of my life. I DO cherish him as a friend, as I said. I am NOT "picking him over my boyfriend", that's ridiculous. I am in love with my boyfriend and I feel stronger for him than I have ever felt for my ex or anybody for that matter.

But I don't think anyone should be able to tell me who I spend time with and who not. That sounds just wrong to me. I am way more liberal than to accept something like that.

I will talk to my boyfriend tonight. I think he will even be ok with this, and I think EX and BF will get to meet at some point in near future, as BF will spend more time with me soon and we probably will go out with some friends of mine where EX will be as well. I am not going to eject someone who is important to me out of my life. I think my boyfriend must overcome his unjustified jealousy issues, and that can only happen if he will meet EX asap. I don't FORBID him to see his ex, as I trust him that he only wants me and wouldn't hurt me by cheating on me. Of course I am jealous, but that's normal. i would never make a scene about it or forbid him to see her. That would just aggravate things and I don't think forbidding friendships with certain people is a good basis for a relationship. If that ex of his or my ex would be criminals or bad people, I would get it. But they aren't. They are just normal people who happen to have had relationships with us at some point but there is a reason why they aren't our lovers anymore. Now they are our friends. It should be acceptable. They aren't our best friends, but they are friends. So make the best of it, I think.

 

Anyway, I will talk to him now and see what he says.

Edited March 3, 2015 by alliemai

[d0nnivain]

Anyway, I will talk to him now and see what he says.

 

Good! Communication is the best thing.

[umirano]

donnivain, epically smashing sense into this thread (like smackie). The contrast with the garbage kind of hurts my eyes.

 

Let's look at the facts

 

1. Only four months old RS
   
2. LDR BF vs local EX
   
3. Expressed unease from BF
   

 

Why on earth is this ex so important, more important than your BFs ease???

 

And if your BF were here asking about whether he should meet up with his EX I guarantee you I'd be telling him the same. To get his head out of his a55 and start using it. There are 7 billion people on this earth, a large enough set to choose from, I believe. Contact (or not) with a handful of EXes won't make (or break) our social lives. They can happily stay where they belong. In the friggin' past.

 

I don't get this pathological need to be friends with half the world and to pretend that everyone is awesome.

[MissBee]

 

Hope you can give some helpful tipps regarding this.

Just to make it clear, I have no more feelings for my ex-boyfriend. It is also the first time I am friends with an ex, but I am happy things did not end badly, of course, and that we still get along well. He's important to me as a person and I don't see why I should not be friends with him just because my boyfriend is jealous.

 

My current relationship would trump friendship with an ex personally.

 

I don't think it's wrong to be friends with an ex if everyone is fine with it or it developed organically, but I find it puzzling when people are HELL BENT on remaining friends with an ex and have to go out of their way to hang out and develop the friendship, even when it causes problems, and in your case to the point of having to lie and go behind your bf's back to meet for lunch.

 

Why do you have to meet for lunch? Is it THAT serious? Is his friendship that important to you? I'm friendly and cordial with a few of my exes but not really to the point of meeting for lunch and things like that. My exes and I naturally grew apart. Even my last ex, we broke up in September of last year, it was on good terms, we texted once in a while after but I've not spoken to him in months. I don't hate him but I certainly am not going out of my way to be friends and if he had a new gf I would never expect him to be meeting me behind her back. That's why we have platonic friends OP....since most folks cannot remain friends with former lovers. If you want friends, don't you have platonic friends already that you've never been with? WHY does your ex-boyfriend NEED to be in your circle of close friends? I have plenty of friends and even though I liked lots of my exes as people I don't need to hang on to them as friends after, as though if we aren't friends the whole world will end. It won't. I assure you.

 

If you want to be friends with your ex, really think about what is more important, the friendship or your current relationship. Also think about what boundaries you should have with the ex and whether or not you should or shouldn't change the nature of your relationship to friendly and cordial versus lunch dates type of friendship.

 

Edited to add: I just saw that your boyfriend lives in a different city and you see your ex VERY often, share breaks, only see each other at school but you want to do more stuff outside of school.... uhhh look...maybe you should break it off with your bf and get back with the ex. Because from where I stand you treat the ex more like a guy you're invested in spending MORE time with versus less. You don't have to treat your ex like the plague BUT what you're doing is frankly a bit much. It seems you are going above and beyond to maintain this friendship with your ex at the expense of your current R...and just because you're honest with your bf doesn't make it less strange. If I had a LDR and my bf was insistent on being besties with his ex but was "honest" that he spends his breaks with her, does lunch with her, sees her very often but wants to see her MORE... I'd let him go as at that point his ex and I are on equal footing or rather, she is even more important than I am. Your boyfriend isn't just being irrational, your behavior is also a bit curious and given the fact of the distance and all you've admitted about wanting to see the ex more and spending so much time with him, can you HONESTLY say that your bf should feel thrilled about all of this?

Edited March 3, 2015 by MissBee

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

OP you need to keep in mind what kind of guy you have for a BF. He's physically average, and also a very sensitive guy. Your EX is a macho guy who is super confident and probably extremely charming with ladies. Can you not see why your BF is upset? It's hard for any guy to compare themselves to a guy like that. Your BF probably thinks by being around your Ex you will compare him with your ex and eventually realize you like your Ex more.

 

Keeping your ex this close in your life is not a cool move especially if they're a recent ex.

[fitnessfan365]

The real question should be - why do you feel the need to stay in touch with your ex, and have lunch with him? Shouldn't the past stay in the past? I think if you have such a great guy in your life now, you should be respectful to your current BF and cut ties with your ex.

[blackcat777]

It wasn't until I finally experienced the pain of real heartbreak that I finally understood, experientially, why I should never keep contact with an ex.

 

If you really dig your current boyfriend, and more importantly... if you respect him... actively seeking contact with an ex is flagrantly inappropriate. I also never realized this until I met a guy that made me pull the proverbial e-brake and wake up to the fact that I needed to do everything I could to keep him, in terms of being the best partner I can be, because what we have is so rare and so awesome, I'd hate to let it slip by.

 

But, in the past, when I took people for granted and was clearly not inspired by the relationship, yeah, I kept exes around.

 

I'm glad I've since eaten a piece of humble pie.

 

No contact with an ex is about respect... respect for your current partner, and respect for your ex to set him free, since you clearly aren't sticking around for that romance anymore.

[fitnessfan365]

It wasn't until I finally experienced the pain of real heartbreak that I finally understood, experientially, why I should never keep contact with an ex.

 

If you really dig your current boyfriend, and more importantly... if you respect him... actively seeking contact with an ex is flagrantly inappropriate. I also never realized this until I met a guy that made me pull the proverbial e-brake and wake up to the fact that I needed to do everything I could to keep him, in terms of being the best partner I can be, because what we have is so rare and so awesome, I'd hate to let it slip by.

 

But, in the past, when I took people for granted and was clearly not inspired by the relationship, yeah, I kept exes around.

 

I'm glad I've since eaten a piece of humble pie.

 

No contact with an ex is about respect... respect for your current partner, and respect for your ex to set him free, since you clearly aren't sticking around for that romance anymore.

 

AMAZING post. A woman that is able to accept responsibility for her mistakes and be so humble/gracious is really attractive. Wish more women were like this.

[NJ123]

OP you need to keep in mind what kind of guy you have for a BF. He's physically average, and also a very sensitive guy. Your EX is a macho guy who is super confident and probably extremely charming with ladies. Can you not see why your BF is upset? It's hard for any guy to compare themselves to a guy like that. Your BF probably thinks by being around your Ex you will compare him with your ex and eventually realize you like your Ex more.

 

Keeping your ex this close in your life is not a cool move especially if they're a recent ex.

 

Honestly sounds like the type of woman that views their current guy as the provider & stays for security, but really wants the macho guy but he can't give her the things she needs. There's no reason at all for someone to be really close with an ex, especially one that their seeing more often than their own boyfriend from the sounds of things.

[Carenth]

The thing you fail to realise OP is that this isn't about anyone telling you not to see your ex. What it is the lopsidedness of how your are placing your desire for whatever reason to be desperately remain friends with your ex over the concerns of your BF. The fact that you are both mutually jealous of each others exes is not a good thing and shows that this kind of behaviour so early on in a relationship is often very dicey and damages trust and respect.

 

Respect is the key thing here you are not respecting your current BF by spending so much time with your ex. Having this conversation with him will go as follows: you tell him your going to have lunch with your ex and you won't go if he is not ok with it. This gives you an out when he gets pissed off later down the road.

 

But you're not really asking him if he is ok with it and you would probably go behind his back even if he said he isn't because you have stated that no one is going to tell you what to do and he should just get over it. You already know he is not ok with it but he will say he is ok because he doesn't want to seem controlling. You are not asking, you're telling him if you are honest with yourself.

 

He will end up resenting you for it I can guarantee it, this will be the reason you guys break up if you keep at current pace. You claim you love him more than anyone you have ever been with. I'm not so certain because your actions say something very different and I know if I was in love with someone as much as you claim I would be willing to cut down on time with an ex or cut off an ex but I digress I'm not friends with exes for that very reason; they are poison to any new relationships and it's disrespectful to my current partner who deserves my time and respect without the spectre of past relationships been thrown in their faces constantly. Each to their own though.

 

Look at your own actions and see how they are affecting the people you care about rather than just blaming it on his insecurity. All you are really doing is blame shifting yourself and your actions out of the equation. Ultimately only you can control that, all he can do is voice his concerns (which he already has). The rest is up to you.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Carenth

[SawtoothMars]

But I don't think anyone should be able to tell me who I spend time with and who not. That sounds just wrong to me. I am way more liberal than to accept something like that.

I will talk to my boyfriend tonight. I think he will even be ok with this, and I think EX and BF will get to meet at some point in near future, as BF will spend more time with me soon and we probably will go out with some friends of mine where EX will be as well. I am not going to eject someone who is important to me out of my life. I think my boyfriend must overcome his unjustified jealousy issues, and that can only happen if he will meet EX asap. I don't FORBID him to see his ex, as I trust him that he only wants me and wouldn't hurt me by cheating on me. Of course I am jealous, but that's normal. i would never make a scene about it or forbid him to see her. That would just aggravate things and I don't think forbidding friendships with certain people is a good basis for a relationship. If that ex of his or my ex would be criminals or bad people, I would get it. But they aren't. They are just normal people who happen to have had relationships with us at some point but there is a reason why they aren't our lovers anymore. Now they are our friends. It should be acceptable. They aren't our best friends, but they are friends. So make the best of it, I think.

Anyway, I will talk to him now and see what he says.

 

You want him to get over his jealousy but see no problem with your own?

 

Has he said you can't hang out with Mr.Beefcake? Nope. Does it bother him that you string some dude along on the backburner? Maybe... but so far as you say here... no more than how much it bothers you that he talks to an ex from nearly half a decade ago who lives in another country.

 

In terms of comparison... your situations with ex's are totally different.

 

If I was your BF I would not tell you who to hang out with. However, I would tell you that in order to be with me you can't go out on Pseudo-Dates with other guys.

Edited March 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[neowulf]

As someone who's successfully maintained friendships with ex's, I think it's just down to how "grown up" the people in the situation want to be.

 

My ex's were all great people. Not right for me. I wasn't right for them. Realistically, we should have just stayed friends in the first place. Often we stay in touch, because we both value that friendship.

 

There are a couple of reasons I'm able to manage being friends with ex's;

 

1. There's zero sexual chemistry. I'm happy to hang out with them and their new boyfriends and have done many times. Once the boyfriend see's that there's nothing weird going on, they usually grow more relaxed.

 

2. If it bothered me to see my ex's with their new partner, then it'd be a good sign I wasn't over the relationship. The fact it doesn't bother me (or them) in the least tells me I've moved on.

 

3. Enough time has passed. This is a big one. I've never successfully managed to be friends with ex's straight away. It usually takes upwards of a year for things to finally settle down.

 

4. Respecting boundaries. I haven't pushed for friendship in situations where the ex is clearly not interested in transitioning to that kind of relationship. If people want space, I give them space. If they want to go their own way, I don't push the issue.

 

But I'm not going to just pretend someone who was important to me ceased to matter, just because our attempts at a romantic relationship failed.

 

The thing is, being open and honest with each other is the best policy. You can't hide things. It'll only blow up on you. If your partner really struggles with it, then you need to decide what's more important. Your partner, or your friendship with the ex.

 

Thankfully in my own case, most of the time people just adjust to it. Being friends with ex's isn't a massive deal, if everyone approaches it with the right attitude.

Edited March 4, 2015 by neowulf

[soithascometothis]

There is something weird about trying to rekindle a friendship with an ex while you are in a relationship with somebody else. Especially this early on. If I'm with a girl that I'm really into, the last thing I'm thinking about is some ex. Let alone going to lunch with them.

 

That said, I am friends with one of my ex's. We broke up 7 years ago (have known each other for 10 yrs), and managed to rekindle a purely platonic friendship when we were both single and not in a relationship. This made things so much easier when either one of us were dating someone else. We are at a point now where she has called me in tears about breaking up with a guy, she watches my dog, etc. We do what friends do and nothing more. I truly value her as a close friend, but nothing more. Can you honestly say this about your ex? What if you told your ex that this wasn't a good time to meet up because it upsets your current bf, and that maybe lunch a few months down the road would be better. Would you care if that upset him?

[alliemai]

There is something weird about trying to rekindle a friendship with an ex while you are in a relationship with somebody else. Especially this early on. If I'm with a girl that I'm really into, the last thing I'm thinking about is some ex. Let alone going to lunch with them.

 

That said, I am friends with one of my ex's. We broke up 7 years ago (have known each other for 10 yrs), and managed to rekindle a purely platonic friendship when we were both single and not in a relationship. This made things so much easier when either one of us were dating someone else. We are at a point now where she has called me in tears about breaking up with a guy, she watches my dog, etc. We do what friends do and nothing more. I truly value her as a close friend, but nothing more. Can you honestly say this about your ex? What if you told your ex that this wasn't a good time to meet up because it upsets your current bf, and that maybe lunch a few months down the road would be better. Would you care if that upset him?

 

I don't think my ex would care if I cancel the lunch plans. I wouldn't either. As I said, it is not A PRIORITY to have lunch with my ex. I also hate calling him my ex, for me he is just M., at this point. We would never ever get back together as we are both mature and rational people who know we didn't work out.

I also said before that I usually am not friends with exes but with this one it is just different, after the breakup it quickly went to us just being friends, and I wonder myself still how it happened, but it just showed me early on that we just were not right for each other and I even regret a bit having been in a relationship with him for so long without realizing this. We really are just friends. I keep emphasizing that and still people on here get super frisky about it. I completely agree that sometimes being friends with exes is confusing, but in this case it just isn't.

 

 

 

As someone who's successfully maintained friendships with ex's, I think it's just down to how "grown up" the people in the situation want to be.

 

My ex's were all great people. Not right for me. I wasn't right for them. Realistically, we should have just stayed friends in the first place. Often we stay in touch, because we both value that friendship.

 

There are a couple of reasons I'm able to manage being friends with ex's;

 

1. There's zero sexual chemistry. I'm happy to hang out with them and their new boyfriends and have done many times. Once the boyfriend see's that there's nothing weird going on, they usually grow more relaxed.

 

2. If it bothered me to see my ex's with their new partner, then it'd be a good sign I wasn't over the relationship. The fact it doesn't bother me (or them) in the least tells me I've moved on.

 

3. Enough time has passed. This is a big one. I've never successfully managed to be friends with ex's straight away. It usually takes upwards of a year for things to finally settle down.

 

4. Respecting boundaries. I haven't pushed for friendship in situations where the ex is clearly not interested in transitioning to that kind of relationship. If people want space, I give them space. If they want to go their own way, I don't push the issue.

 

But I'm not going to just pretend someone who was important to me ceased to matter, just because our attempts at a romantic relationship failed.

 

The thing is, being open and honest with each other is the best policy. You can't hide things. It'll only blow up on you. If your partner really struggles with it, then you need to decide what's more important. Your partner, or your friendship with the ex.

 

Thankfully in my own case, most of the time people just adjust to it. Being friends with ex's isn't a massive deal, if everyone approaches it with the right attitude.

 

 

Yes. This is exactly the case here. It's possible to be friends with an ex. I didnt think it was either until now.

 

 

The thing you fail to realise OP is that this isn't about anyone telling you not to see your ex. What it is the lopsidedness of how your are placing your desire for whatever reason to be desperately remain friends with your ex over the concerns of your BF. The fact that you are both mutually jealous of each others exes is not a good thing and shows that this kind of behaviour so early on in a relationship is often very dicey and damages trust and respect.

 

Respect is the key thing here you are not respecting your current BF by spending so much time with your ex. Having this conversation with him will go as follows: you tell him your going to have lunch with your ex and you won't go if he is not ok with it. This gives you an out when he gets pissed off later down the road.

 

But you're not really asking him if he is ok with it and you would probably go behind his back even if he said he isn't because you have stated that no one is going to tell you what to do and he should just get over it. You already know he is not ok with it but he will say he is ok because he doesn't want to seem controlling. You are not asking, you're telling him if you are honest with yourself.

 

He will end up resenting you for it I can guarantee it, this will be the reason you guys break up if you keep at current pace. You claim you love him more than anyone you have ever been with. I'm not so certain because your actions say something very different and I know if I was in love with someone as much as you claim I would be willing to cut down on time with an ex or cut off an ex but I digress I'm not friends with exes for that very reason; they are poison to any new relationships and it's disrespectful to my current partner who deserves my time and respect without the spectre of past relationships been thrown in their faces constantly. Each to their own though.

 

Look at your own actions and see how they are affecting the people you care about rather than just blaming it on his insecurity. All you are really doing is blame shifting yourself and your actions out of the equation. Ultimately only you can control that, all he can do is voice his concerns (which he already has). The rest is up to you.

 

Another very long reply about how bad of a person I am. At this point this is starting a bit to bother me. I am depicted here as the worst girlfriend of the world. Ask anybody, my exes, my friends, my parents, and you will find out I am the most caring and committed girlfriend that's around. I have never cheated on a partner, I have never deliberately hurt someone, and I have never gone out of my way to be deceitful and cunning. I love my boyfriend and I want to be honest with him, hence my confusion in the beginning of this thread. I quickly came to realize I must tell him about this and be honest.

 

We talked last night and I told him about the lunch plans. He said right away that he was ok with it, he asked some questions about it, details, wanted to know the extend of it, I told him it's a one hour lunch next to campus in a busy lunch place, just inbewteen classes. Boyfriend said that while he is jealous he realizes that ex truly is just a friend now and he says I should go and he doesn't want to be jealous, he just loves me so much and if he could he had no guy ever talk to me again, but he realizes that's impossible and bollocks. He also said it wouldn't be fair if I weren't to go meet EX, as he himself is in frequent contact with his ex. (I didnt even bring that up to justify my having lunch with ex, he did). We quickly talked about other things and did not spend much time on it.

 

 

You want him to get over his jealousy but see no problem with your own?

 

Has he said you can't hang out with Mr.Beefcake? Nope. Does it bother him that you string some dude along on the backburner? Maybe... but so far as you say here... no more than how much it bothers you that he talks to an ex from nearly half a decade ago who lives in another country.

 

In terms of comparison... your situations with ex's are totally different.

 

If I was your BF I would not tell you who to hang out with. However, I would tell you that in order to be with me you can't go out on Pseudo-Dates with other guys.

 

I don't see a problem with my own jealousy, no, as I think a healthy amount of jealousy is normal, yes. I think that a healthy amount of jealousy is a sign that you really don't want to lose somebody, and care for somebody. It is when this jealousy turns into something toxic that it is gaining control over a relationship. I have never made a scene over my boyfriend hanging out with his ex or talking to his ex on a regular basis. They are friends and I accept that. And you are blowing things out of proportion, she lives in a different country at the moment but hasn't this whole time and also is coming back in a few months and will be close again. So what, they broke up 3 years ago. My ex and me broke up 1 year ago. That's, in my eyes, a reasonable amount of time to get over someone and establish a friendship, especially given the fact that we only were together for almost a year, even less. We became friends quickly after the breakup, there are no more sexual attractions, and he has a new girlfriend, who he already fancied when we were even together. And my boyfriend's jealousy had been bad in the past regarding this ex to the point where it was annoying, yes. He did make a scene. He stopped that recently, maybe because he has become more comfortable with me and more trusting, or maybe realizes EX is not a threat. I also think he realizes that his insecurities have more to do with his most recent ex-girlfriend being a pain in the ass, and that I am nothing like her.

 

This is not a pseudo date. I also don't wear sweatpants on dates, usually, so I am 100% sure this is anything but that. I am just meeting a friend for lunch.

 

 

People have also mentioned I see my ex more regularly than my boyfriend. This is not true. I see my boyfriend way more often. I run into my ex at school quite somewhat, but I don't always talk to him and I spend a lot more quality time with my boyfriend. As I said, I only hung out ONCE with my ex since I got together with my boyfriend 4 months ago. ONCE! The time we 'spend' together at school is often very short, coffee/tea breaks and the like, and often with other people. I see him a total of 10 minutes a week. I see my boyfriend about 3 days a week. It's very different.

 

 

SO again, I think truly that my friendship with EX should not be minimized to it being my ex, but rather to it being a friend (who happened to be an ex). And my boyfriend is seemingly realizing this. Boyfriend is also not a LONG DISTANCE boyfriend as many on here made it out to be, he lives in another city closeby. So I hope I cleared up some misconceptions here.

Edited March 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[guest569]

Seems like you are quite set on being friends with ex. So, I hope your current bf will truly be ok with it. Otherwise it puts you in an awkward place, to decide which you value more. Your friendship with ex, or your relationship. I think majority of people would feel insecure or jealous in his position though.

[1040]

So you see, the answer to the question in the title of this thread was "yes."

 

What we were all pretty much saying is, "If you meet up with this guy, which you probably shouldn't, you better tell your BF first."

 

Now imagine if you hadn't told him, and a friend of your BF had seen you at lunch and called your BF. "Hey, BF, I saw alliemai at lunch today with some guy. Big, buff, good-looking. Assertive and confident. She was enjoying herself. Who is that?"

 

You see how you might be single after that? Does not matter how innocent, it looks horrible. You cannot play around with this stuff. Always tell your partner about things like this and don't try to "protect" him.

 

Also, it's probably wise not to entertain any thoughts of trying to get your ex and your BF to be buddies. While we men intellectually know that our SOs have slept with others before us (if that is the case), in general we really don't like to think about it. At all.

 

For what it's worth, I have been married for almost 30 years. No other marriage. I have never cheated, and I'd bet my life she has not either. Whenever I go somewhere like lunch or to a museum with a platonic female friend, I tell my wife where and what I am doing. While not necessary, to me that demonstrates respect for her and for our relationship, and prevents any possible misunderstanding.

 

I'm still trying to figure out how if you are always "open and honest" with your BF as you keep saying, you didn't tell him as soon as you made lunch plans. You should ponder that, IMO. I think you know the answer, and I still think you might be on a slippery slope.

Edited March 4, 2015 by 1040

[SawtoothMars]

 

I don't see a problem with my own jealousy, no, as I think a healthy amount of jealousy is normal, yes. I think that a healthy amount of jealousy is a sign that you really don't want to lose somebody, and care for somebody. It is when this jealousy turns into something toxic that it is gaining control over a relationship. I have never made a scene over my boyfriend hanging out with his ex or talking to his ex on a regular basis. They are friends and I accept that. And you are blowing things out of proportion, she lives in a different country at the moment but hasn't this whole time and also is coming back in a few months and will be close again. So what, they broke up 3 years ago. My ex and me broke up 1 year ago. That's, in my eyes, a reasonable amount of time to get over someone and establish a friendship, especially given the fact that we only were together for almost a year, even less. We became friends quickly after the breakup, there are no more sexual attractions, and he has a new girlfriend, who he already fancied when we were even together. And my boyfriend's jealousy had been bad in the past regarding this ex to the point where it was annoying, yes. He did make a scene. He stopped that recently, maybe because he has become more comfortable with me and more trusting, or maybe realizes EX is not a threat. I also think he realizes that his insecurities have more to do with his most recent ex-girlfriend being a pain in the ass, and that I am nothing like her.

 

This is not a pseudo date. I also don't wear sweatpants on dates, usually, so I am 100% sure this is anything but that. I am just meeting a friend for lunch.

 

SO again, I think truly that my friendship with EX should not be minimized to it being my ex, but rather to it being a friend (who happened to be an ex). And my boyfriend is seemingly realizing this. Boyfriend is also not a LONG DISTANCE boyfriend as many on here made it out to be, he lives in another city closeby. So I hope I cleared up some misconceptions here.

 

I'm going to start by saying that unless he has mental issues... whether your BF feels comfortable with this situation or not is mostly on you. So if he is feeling better about it... then you are building trust and are doing something right. If this continues to give him bad vibes its probably because either you are acting in a problematic way OR your XBF has less than honorable intent.

 

Look, you are clearly very young and naive. I'm 35 today, but when I was 21 I probably would have made the same arguments you are making today. It is most likely a mistake to keep XBF's around.

 

Whatever friendly feelings you have towards your X today, he may feel differently... especially if you broke up with him. Most men would see this date as an opportunity and you not feeling sure in your relationship. Also... it doesn't matter if you are in sweatpants or a cocktail dress... if you are hanging out 1 on 1... it's a date. You seem to not understand how men think. We are competitive as hell in these situations.

 

All these people on this site are telling you from experience that these things don't usually turn out well. Most people just do what they want to do... I don't think you are any different. Everyone knows hard drugs can ruin your whole life... but every year millions of people take them thinking... "I'm Special this won't happen to me". This is your thinking too.

[d0nnivain]

We talked last night and I told him about the lunch plans. He said right away that he was ok with it, he asked some questions about it, details, wanted to know the extend of it, I told him it's a one hour lunch next to campus in a busy lunch place, just inbewteen classes. Boyfriend said that while he is jealous he realizes that ex truly is just a friend now and he says I should go and he doesn't want to be jealous, he just loves me so much and if he could he had no guy ever talk to me again, but he realizes that's impossible and bollocks. He also said it wouldn't be fair if I weren't to go meet EX, as he himself is in frequent contact with his ex. (I didnt even bring that up to justify my having lunch with ex, he did). We quickly talked about other things and did not spend much time on it.

 

You are fine. You talked to your BF as most of us were encouraging you to do. He's OK with the lunch; we're OK with the lunch; & you are not the worst GF ever.

 

My issue was with you wanting to hide the lunch from your BF knowing that lunch with M (your EX) bothered him. Since you have now been up front & your BF is fine with, bon appetit!