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What assumptions would you make about a woman who wouldn't discuss her dating history

Intrepidcaribou

By Intrepidcaribou
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Intrepidcaribou Member

Intrepidcaribou

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At 29-years-old. To anyone, including friends -- ever. She wasn't prudish and was totally open about every other aspect of her life. If asked directly she would reply: "I'm bad at commitment." would you assume she was promiscuous? Inexperienced? A lesbian?

NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

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Posted
At 29-years-old. To anyone, including friends -- ever. She wasn't prudish and was totally open about every other aspect of her life. If asked directly she would reply: "I'm bad at commitment." would you assume she was promiscuous? Inexperienced? A lesbian?

 

Definitely promiscuous & probably cheated on previous partners. It would be a red flag if they stated "i'm bad at commitment".

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

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"I'm bad at commitment."

 

This is all I'd need regarding information to be honest to run ten miles in the opposite direction if a guy told me that.

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Dybbuk Established Member

Dybbuk

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Giant red flag... I'm bad at commitment translates into "Don't expect much from me."

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Intrepidcaribou Member

Intrepidcaribou

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Definitely promiscuous & probably cheated on previous partners. It would be a red flag if they stated "i'm bad at commitment".

 

Shoot. I said this because, even though I've gone out with a handful of guys, I've never managed to fall in love and have never had sex. I always bailed early on. I've finally met a man I'm attracted to. How do I fix this?

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NJ123 Established Member

NJ123

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Shoot. I said this because, even though I've gone out with a handful of guys, I've never managed to fall in love and have never had sex. I always bailed early on. I've finally met a man I'm attracted to. How do I fix this?

 

Well, do you have his number? Maybe text or call him. When was the last time you spoke with him & how many dates have you been on with him? You didn't give any specifics of anything.

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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

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Shoot. I said this because, even though I've gone out with a handful of guys, I've never managed to fall in love and have never had sex. I always bailed early on. I've finally met a man I'm attracted to. How do I fix this?

 

I recommend you sit him down and talk to him in person. I recommend you look him in the eye, maybe even hold his hand and/or put your hand on his face and let him know that 'we all have a past, but we also have a future...and that you hope he will take the time to know you and see that while in the past you may have not had committed RLs you didn't have them for reasons, learned from it, and want to change your future - which includes a future with him'

 

Hopefully, if he's mature and sees things in you that makes him warrant taking the time to get to know you, then you got your foot in the door...good luck

 

Next time, when someone asks you certain things that you are not comfortable answering - KISS ("Keep it Simple, Sister")...cuz, people, especially in the early stages of getting to know you, may think something you say/do/did is just off the wall w/o getting to know you. I also do not believe in this telling people everything crap. I believe people only have a right to know certain things about you if it will affect the RL (i.e. if you have drug use and currently are in rehab).

 

BTW, what brought up the question of your dating history? Next time someone asks that just tell them you spent your youth developing "you" as a person and now are open/ready to have someone in your life. It's sort of a "white lie", but sort of the truth about your situation (based on what you posted here).

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ltjg45 Established Member

ltjg45

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Honestly, I would expect nothing.

 

Because it is really none of my business. I will judge her by her current actions, not the ones she made in the past.

 

I wouldn't even ask her that question to begin with amyway

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autumnnight Established Member

autumnnight

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I am not a man, but if a man did the same thing with me, I'd probably have my guard up just a bit, but I wouldn't just bail.

 

However, at my age a man of comparable age who said only that and wouldn't elaborate WOULD be a red flag :)

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Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

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"I'm bad at commitment."

 

Regardless of gender, if the person gives such an answer, the person is not relationship material. Might be fun for the short-term if you like that stuff, but probably very capricious.

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salparadise Established Member

salparadise

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Shoot. I said this because, even though I've gone out with a handful of guys, I've never managed to fall in love and have never had sex. I always bailed early on. I've finally met a man I'm attracted to. How do I fix this?

 

If a woman said to me, "I'm bad at commitment," the first thing I'd think is I'm wasting my time here, or worse. Since most people at age 29 have had previous relationships, I'd be wondering... has she cheated on all of her partners, terrified at the prospect of feeling vulnerable, does she create drama or look for a reason to cut and run at the first sign that feelings are developing...

 

A huge percentage of long-term singles are wearing suits of armor to avoid vulnerability and the inherent risk of attachment... of falling in love. Often times the way they rationalize it to themselves is they're being selective, maintaining standards, refusing to settle, just haven't met the right person yet. They disqualify each possibility ["bailed early on"] for reasons they convince themselves are completely legitimate and justifiable.

 

But the real feeling, lingering beneath actual consciousness, is "I'm not worthy." They subconsciously rationalize that if they hang around long enough for the mask to come off and be seen for who they actually are, they won't be good enough. So when intimacy starts to develop they bail to protect themselves from being found out, abandoned, and their most dreaded fear confirmed.

 

Are you in touch with the feelings and motivations underlying your decisions to bail early? Does the notion of peeling back the layers and exposing your inner core to a partner, or to yourself, sound frightening?

 

I don't know you at all, and I'm not saying this is you... just giving you something to mull over. What do you think?

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CrystalShine2011 Established Member

CrystalShine2011

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He either cheated or really loved his ex girlfriend.

  • 2 weeks later...
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Intrepidcaribou Member

Intrepidcaribou

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Are you in touch with the feelings and motivations underlying your decisions to bail early? Does the notion of peeling back the layers and exposing your inner core to a partner, or to yourself, sound frightening?

 

I've also never been physically attracted in any way to any man I've ever dated.

Edited by Intrepidcaribou
Auspecial Established Member

Auspecial

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If a woman said to me, "I'm bad at commitment," the first thing I'd think is I'm wasting my time here, or worse. Since most people at age 29 have had previous relationships, I'd be wondering... has she cheated on all of her partners, terrified at the prospect of feeling vulnerable, does she create drama or look for a reason to cut and run at the first sign that feelings are developing...

 

A huge percentage of long-term singles are wearing suits of armor to avoid vulnerability and the inherent risk of attachment... of falling in love. Often times the way they rationalize it to themselves is they're being selective, maintaining standards, refusing to settle, just haven't met the right person yet. They disqualify each possibility ["bailed early on"] for reasons they convince themselves are completely legitimate and justifiable.

 

But the real feeling, lingering beneath actual consciousness, is "I'm not worthy." They subconsciously rationalize that if they hang around long enough for the mask to come off and be seen for who they actually are, they won't be good enough. So when intimacy starts to develop they bail to protect themselves from being found out, abandoned, and their most dreaded fear confirmed.

 

Are you in touch with the feelings and motivations underlying your decisions to bail early? Does the notion of peeling back the layers and exposing your inner core to a partner, or to yourself, sound frightening?

 

I don't know you at all, and I'm not saying this is you... just giving you something to mull over. What do you think?

 

Awesome post!

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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If asked directly she would reply: "I'm bad at commitment."

 

I wouldn't assume anything other than what she has told you, she isn't likely to be in a relationship with you. Simple.

SawtoothMars Established Member

SawtoothMars

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I've also never been physically attracted in any way to any man I've ever dated.

 

Do other women turn you on?

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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A huge percentage of long-term singles are wearing suits of armor to avoid vulnerability and the inherent risk of attachment... of falling in love. Often times the way they rationalize it to themselves is they're being selective, maintaining standards, refusing to settle, just haven't met the right person yet. They disqualify each possibility ["bailed early on"] for reasons they convince themselves are completely legitimate and justifiable.

 

But the real feeling, lingering beneath actual consciousness, is "I'm not worthy." They subconsciously rationalize that if they hang around long enough for the mask to come off and be seen for who they actually are, they won't be good enough. So when intimacy starts to develop they bail to protect themselves from being found out, abandoned, and their most dreaded fear confirmed.

 

Are you in touch with the feelings and motivations underlying your decisions to bail early? Does the notion of peeling back the layers and exposing your inner core to a partner, or to yourself, sound frightening?

 

I don't know you at all, and I'm not saying this is you... just giving you something to mull over. What do you think?

 

Attachment disorders are like that. They come packaged with hyperviligance, inability to trust others, inability to discriminate between good people and bad people etc. It's not so much they don't want a connection but cannot ever feel safe with another human, because they were taught at some impressionable age that people aren't reliable and what they may expect from them is random, indifferent and often callous.

Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

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I've also never been physically attracted in any way to any man I've ever dated.

 

Do you have non-typical aesthetics? Or is it possible you are demi-sexual? I have non-typical aesthetics which means finding one that fulfills that criteria is hard because it relies on the male having very low levels of testosterone. I hate what testosterone does to the body (thick limbs, joints, hairyness, large and bony head), it's just not a turn-on at all. And yet I am not a lesbian either because I have never been attracted to a woman.

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Intrepidcaribou Member

Intrepidcaribou

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Do you have non-typical aesthetics? Or is it possible you are demi-sexual? I have non-typical aesthetics which means finding one that fulfills that criteria is hard because it relies on the male having very low levels of testosterone. I hate what testosterone does to the body (thick limbs, joints, hairyness, large and bony head), it's just not a turn-on at all. And yet I am not a lesbian either because I have never been attracted to a woman.

 

I tend to be sexually attracted to hypermasculine strangers. Dating freaks me out since I've never seen a happy marriage. They all seem to be sexless arrangement built around maintaining a certain lifestyle. Romantic live is a strange concept to me since my mother married for security and told me as such. My father, I presume, was infatuated. They're still married and hate eachother as my mother got fat and my dad can't make enough money.

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Intrepidcaribou Member

Intrepidcaribou

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this is news why? another female who just dates hyper masculine make athletes or models. except there isn't enough to go around so you all whine that there's no men.

 

I don't date hypermasculine men. I probably wouldn't want to be involved with one, though I find them pretty hot.

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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I've also never been physically attracted in any way to any man I've ever dated.

 

How about women? You did mention "lesbian" in your first post. That could be a huge reason why you're not attracted to any man you've ever dated.

road Established Member

road

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People that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

 

So you clam up.

 

 

That makes you guilty by implying you have something to hide.

 

 

Then depending on how good of an imagination the man that asked well.....

 

 

 

 

More men than she can remember, which means over half of them must be the men she dated from her job as a topless dancer.

 

 

She works as a massage parlor, porn, she sells mattress time, or she is not a pro just a Hoe, Sluuuuutt, Easy, high sex drive kind of girl that is fun loving.

 

 

It is a red flag. The question is asked by a man to help him qualify if the woman is worth keeping and moving the relationship along.

 

 

It is also a red flag for the woman if this questions is asked to soon. As in you just met and he asks if you want to go for a cup of coffee and how many men have you dated.

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Intrepidcaribou Member

Intrepidcaribou

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How about women? You did mention "lesbian" in your first post. That could be a huge reason why you're not attracted to any man you've ever dated.

 

Nope. Tried picturing it a few times and nothing happened

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
At 29-years-old. To anyone, including friends -- ever. She wasn't prudish and was totally open about every other aspect of her life. If asked directly she would reply: "I'm bad at commitment." would you assume she was promiscuous? Inexperienced? A lesbian?

 

I wouldn't assume anything. I would explain what it is you are looking for out of your dating experiences and whether or not YOU want a committed relationship with anyone (don't be specific about it being with her) and then let her explain what it is she is looking for for herself. If she refuses to elaborate, I'd simply say that you don't think you two are on the same page and wish her well, drop it and move on.

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