azaleas Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I was with my boyfriend for 6 years before he broke up with me. I'm coming up on 30 days NC, but about 2.5 months overall since he dumped me. I'm really struggling with NC. I find myself still thinking about him all the time... I'm not sure how much it's really helping me. Maybe I would actually better be able to get over him if we keep in limited contact. That way, I get a better idea of what he's actually thinking. Not knowing is driving me nuts. Last time I talked to him, he told me he was dating someone else (yeah, I know). I don't know anything about who she is. And I feel like if he regrets his decision, even a little, he would be too prideful to reach out to me himself about it. And technically, even though it's been almost a month of neither of us contacting the other, he was the last one to contact me. The whole "I really want to be friends" spiel. I told him I couldn't at that point, and he wrote back that it hurt that I couldn't be friends but he understood where I was coming from. And that he hoped to hear from me again soon. Essentially saying that he wasn't going to reach out to me until I reached out to him - and I guess he has just basically been honoring that. Okay sorry I know this is going all over the place. So are my emotions tonight. I guess what I'm thinking is regardless of if we ever get back together or not (and I do know that it's not likely at this point, new girlfriend and all) I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. I mean he was a big part of my life for many years and I'll always care about him. But I know he won't reach out to me until I initiate contact with him. So I don't know what to do.
Jonp219 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 (edited) I was with my boyfriend for 6 years before he broke up with me. I'm coming up on 30 days NC, but about 2.5 months overall since he dumped me. I'm really struggling with NC. I find myself still thinking about him all the time... I'm not sure how much it's really helping me. Maybe I would actually better be able to get over him if we keep in limited contact. That way, I get a better idea of what he's actually thinking. Not knowing is driving me nuts. Last time I talked to him, he told me he was dating someone else (yeah, I know). I don't know anything about who she is. And I feel like if he regrets his decision, even a little, he would be too prideful to reach out to me himself about it. And technically, even though it's been almost a month of neither of us contacting the other, he was the last one to contact me. The whole "I really want to be friends" spiel. I told him I couldn't at that point, and he wrote back that it hurt that I couldn't be friends but he understood where I was coming from. And that he hoped to hear from me again soon. Essentially saying that he wasn't going to reach out to me until I reached out to him - and I guess he has just basically been honoring that. Okay sorry I know this is going all over the place. So are my emotions tonight. I guess what I'm thinking is regardless of if we ever get back together or not (and I do know that it's not likely at this point, new girlfriend and all) I would rather have him in my life as a friend than not at all. I mean he was a big part of my life for many years and I'll always care about him. But I know he won't reach out to me until I initiate contact with him. So I don't know what to do. You're not over him do NOT break NC! Trust me you don't want to be in limited contact with someone you love who wants to be nothing more than just friends. It's going to make you lose your sanity, just keep focusing on yourself. I know how you feel, I've been NC for about 6 days now and it hurts like hell, but I have to do it. For everyday I go NC I feel a little bit better, don't worry, this will pass just stay focused. Edited March 3, 2015 by Jonp219 1
ApexTitanium Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 think about it....you guys do the "friend" thing and he thinks you are okay with it. One day he comes up to you with questions about his girlfriend? Gift ideas and relationship advice? Think you can handle telling your ex that dumped you, that you still care about, how to make his new girl happy? Go NC and stick to it....you will save yourself ALOT of pain in the long run. I know you don't want to lose him in your life, but he left you....what is there worth keeping?
BC1980 Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Ummm, he's dating someone 2.5 months after getting out of a 6 year relationship? That sounds completely above board *cough*. Anyway, the fact that he can move to another person so quickly means that he emotionally checked out a long time ago. I noticed that you said you felt LC would help you understand what he is feeling, and that is total BS. He's not going to be very forthcoming with his feelings. Also, we can deduce his feelings based on the fact that he isn't contacting you and is dating another woman. You don't need to subject yourself to more hurt by seeing it in action if you do LC. You're honestly setting yourself up for a heck of a lot of heartache if you try LC. It's really the worst thing you can do because you will have a front row seat to him moving on and dating someone else. Why would you do that to yourself? No one needs or deserves that. 3
dontexpect Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I feel you. I'm still in my 5th day of NC and 2 weeks post breakup. I'm an utter mess right now. Not knowing hurts like hell but is it going to get better if you do know what they are up to? I actually asked to be friends because we were best friends before we started dating. We did almost everything together. But she said she is not ready to be friends yet. She said she needs time and space to figure things out. I do hope that we could start over again as friends. I miss her. I didn't know that it is possible to miss someone like this. She was a huge part of my life, as well. So I understand how hard it is to let go of the person you truly cared about. Sorry for rambling. I admire you for sticking with NC for 30 days. Wow. I hope I can do that. Anyway, I think you should contact him when you are ready. I think he also does not want to lose you. I don't know your ex but, from what I have read, I think he does care about you. I think what you need is more time and space to at least get over the break up. And when you are stronger, you contact him. If he really is your friend, he will be there. I do hope you guys can be friends again. But if it is too painful for you, do not force yourself just so you can keep him in your life. You have to think about yourself and how it would affect the quality of your life. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it will make you happy.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 http://media1.giphy.com/media/iJxHzcuNcCJXi/giphy.gif
Toodaloo Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Don't. I did 10 years no contact and you know what. When I did all that happened was that it upset me. I also saw that he is a self centered egotist which helps a bit but not much... Don't bother, don't waste your time.
Arieswoman Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 azaleas, this guy dumped you, so you owe him nothing but contempt. Stop allowing him to take up your valuable thinking time. Please stay NC and do the best you can to move on. Good luck. x
Farid Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Many give the good advice of NC. Some give the advice "contact when you are ready." Let me tell you this, you'll only be ready when you are with someone who, not only completely replaces him, but loves you and makes you happier than he ever did. Only in this case you'd be ready to contact him. Any sooner, you are jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
mightycpa Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 I get a better idea of what he's actually thinking. Not knowing is driving me nuts...Last time I talked to him, he told me he was dating someone elseI'll tell you what he's thinking about. He's thinking about her, not you. Believe it or not, he moved on a long time ago. It's not even difficult for him. You're in this alone. 2
ZiggyZoo Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 Don't do it unless you're ready to have your heart broken all over again. Knowing he's seeing someone and actually seeing the two of them together are two completely different things. Protect your heart and heal a LOT more before you even consider it. Like six more months...
LYNNLH Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 Please do not do it my dear. I am on NC as well (more than a week). You have no idea the immense relief I feel every single day knowing that I am on the road to recovery. I am also proud of myself knowing that for the first time in my life, I know I will never speak or see this person ever again in my life ( I dare swear my life on it). Take each day of NC and give yourself pat on the back for keeping it.
Author azaleas Posted March 4, 2015 Author Posted March 4, 2015 Thanks everyone for your replies. You are right - I am not ready to contact him, so I won't. Thank you for the good advice. It just seems like yesterday and today, for whatever reason, have been huge setbacks in terms of healing. It hurts to think of him out there having a good time with her, not thinking about me at all. It just doesn't seem fair when I'm so miserable. I just hope this really does get better.
sabd Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I am not ready to contact him, so I won't. Good. I just hope this really does get better. It does. 30 Days NC is not very long at all. Stay strong, stay NC. You WILL get there in time.
Trimmer Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 (edited) I feel you. I'm still in my 5th day of NC and 2 weeks post breakup. I'm an utter mess right now.... I admire you for sticking with NC for 30 days. Wow. I hope I can do that. Anyway, I think you should contact him when you are ready. I think he also does not want to lose you. I want to be really kind and gentle and respectful here, but realistically, you are in a similar situation to the OP, and you admit that you are "an utter mess right now", so I have to (respectfully, remember...) advise the OP NOT to take your advice, as you are messed up in the same way she is, and your advice is coming from that messed up place. I hope things work out well for you, but trying limited contact to "be friends" with your dumper when you are still obviously pining for that person is just going to be crazy-making. Let me tell you this, you'll only be ready when you are with someone who, not only completely replaces him, but loves you and makes you happier than he ever did. Only in this case you'd be ready to contact him. And at that point, you will undoubtedly find that you are no longer driven to do so! Thanks everyone for your replies. You are right - I am not ready to contact him, so I won't. Thank you for the good advice. It just seems like yesterday and today, for whatever reason, have been huge setbacks in terms of healing. It hurts to think of him out there having a good time with her, not thinking about me at all. It just doesn't seem fair when I'm so miserable. I just hope this really does get better. Yes, it's quite possible - expected, really - that you will have setbacks in your healing process. Unfortunately, this is normal. To me, it was like a rollercoaster, where I would have these great, exciting "up" times, but then I would get "down" again and feel like I had gone backwards. What you look for is that gradually you will, indeed, start to see and feel these "up" times once in a while. And gradually, there will be more of them, and they will last a little longer here and there. This may take a while, and they may seem to come far apart at first, and there may be bad times between, but things will move forward. But, when you have the down times, that doesn't mean things aren't working - it's normal to have those down times mixed in there with everything else. The important thing to note is that having down times DOES NOT mean that you should contact your dumper, and DOES NOT mean that limited contact with him is going to be a "fix" of any kind. Trust those of us that have come through it and are out on the other side: (1) the ups and downs are normal and expected, and the downs SUCK, but it's part of the process; having down times doesn't mean you are failing to move forward, and (2) contacting your EX is almost certainly going to mess you up way more than any amount that it could possibly help. WAY more. You want to know what "going backwards" in your healing process really feels like? Contact your Ex and you'll find out. Edited March 4, 2015 by Trimmer 1
Elsa281 Posted March 4, 2015 Posted March 4, 2015 I think pride is overrated. When someone really misses their ex, and really wants her back, they will reach out. It may take them time to make a move, and it may even take them longer to realize it. I think you should at least postpone this decision, and maybe try to go out and date other people. I wouldn't make any contact at all, after I have learned from my mistakes. When you least expect it, he will reach out to you. In my experience, they always do (one of my exes even tried to contact me 7 years after we broke up... Male mind... Go figure). Let him fly away, experience some rebound sex, and he will regret it. Another thing to concider- let's say you contact him and you get back together after he was the one leaving. Than what? You'll live happily ever after? Chances are you'll resent him for leaving you and yourself for chasing him back. At least I did. Good luck! I really hope you'll find someone much better who will appreciate you and will be worth your energy and emotions...
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