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A new beginning-Loving life but Afraid.


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Posted

I first joined in Oct 2013 after my ex wife left. People on here really helped and in a way, I guess I'm just checking in. But I'm also needing advice…

 

My ex wife split in Oct '13 and we were divorced June '14. Since then, she's re-married and pregnant. It took awhile to realized that our split was for the best and now, I'm nothing but happy for her. Since then, I have also found a new love and couldn't be happier (I think). I found someone who I relate to and I love in a way that I didn't love my ex. My new gf also has a young child that I've really become attached to. We don't live together or anything but I go see them at least a couple times a week.

 

As I've said in my older posts, I am a traveling musician and although I know it played a role in the split from my ex, I do still love to do it. My new gf also plays music and sings and she is currently starting out playing shows and writing songs. This is another thing I love about her and about our relationship we cause we relate on music and playing and we teach each other things about playing.

 

Like I said in the beginning, I'm happy for my ex and I know she's happy for me (she's even told me). I'm glad I moved on and despite months of thinking I wouldn't survive, I did and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

 

But here's my issue…

 

I KNOW my ex cheated while I was out on the road. I just know it. She'll never admit it for as long as she lives but I'm not an idiot. I was always gone, she was always without me, it was inevitable.

 

Now, I can't stop feeling like it's going to happen with my gf. I may be a lot of things, but I know that I'm damn sure loyal. I never cheated on my ex and I would never cheat on my gf. But I just can't help feeling like something bad is gonna happen, not just because I'm still playing music, but now my gf wants to play music too. I know that she won't be able to live the full musicians life because she's a mother and that should be the most important thing. But right now, she says she wants to eventually play music for a living.

 

I'm constantly supportive of her and her dream because I know how much it means to me to have someone be supportive. But I just don't want her to get so caught up in it that she pushes our relationship aside. I treat her so much better than I did my wife because I want to. Not that I treated my ex badly, I just like to go the "extra mile" for my gf because I love her in a different way than my ex.

 

I know it's an insecurity thing, but I just don't know how to keep her happy and wanting me. I constantly take a look at myself and make sure that I do everything right to treat her the best I can because she deserves it. She comes to my shows and looks at me while I'm on stage in a way that no one ever has. She loves being around me and tells me that. I just want to be her "knight in shining armor" and keep her as long as I can. But I've been worried so much lately that the same thing is gonna happen that happened to my marriage and I HAVE to do whatever I can to prevent it.

 

This woman is beautiful, confident, charming, kind, and supportive. But she is also very independent and sometimes shut off from being in a bad relationship with her ex and being a single mom. I just want her to know that she doesn't have to be that way anymore because we were meant to find each other. I love her and her son. They make me happy.

 

Will somebody just tell me that I'm being an insecure bitch and that I finally found someone that will make me truly happy?

 

I'm over my ex but I don't know if I'm truly over the way my marriage ended because I'm still not sure what happened. I don't want to treat my gf with distrust or sabotage an amazing thing because I'm worried that she's gonna do something or fall out of love or just get plain tired of me.

 

I'm gonna stop rambling now. Any feedback is appreciated…

 

Thank You

Posted

You seem like a decent guy with a good heart, so I'm sure you wouldn't want to punish someone else for what your ex-wife might have done to you during your marriage. She may or may not have committed infidelity on your long trips away for your musical career. You'll NEVER know for sure. And, there's no sense in torturing yourself over it now, especially since you have BOTH moved on with your lives.

 

You have something in common with your new girlfriend because she's into music like you are and, she wants to work up towards doing it full time for her career. Yes, you have been faithful to your ex-wife during your long trips away, and you hope that this new girlfriend will be faithful to you also. Chances are, she WILL be ;) so there's no reason you should be worrying about something that may or (most likely) may NOT ever happen - ever hear of a self-fulfilling prophecy?:confused:

 

Do you know about the Law of Attraction (The Secret)?? What you think about - you'll bring about. STOP thinking and worrying about whether your new girlfriend is going to cheat on you in the future!! Just STOP worrying about that, okay? Just ENJOY your new relationship with a woman who you adore and who, apparently, adores you as well.:)

 

If, in the future, your new girlfriend gives you ANY signs or clues that she may cheat on you, then sit down and talk to her about your fears about this. But, if she doesn't give you any reason for you to doubt her or not trust her, then for goodness sakes man, let that worry go and enjoy your new relationship with a woman who makes you HAPPY!:D

 

 

.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for the kind words. Over the past year or so after my marriage ended, I've done everything I could to become happy with myself and to realize that I am a great guy and I am worth anyone's time.

 

The thing is…the "music bug' is a powerful thing and a double-edged sword. My gf hasn't been playing very long but she's one of the most amazing singers I've ever heard and she's quickly honing her guitar and writing skills. When we get bitten by this "bug", we tend to push things aside and that's all we want to do. I'll always remain supportive of her and her dream but I just don't want her to forget about the man in front of her and the love he has to give.

 

I know I need to let go of the worry but is it still possible for a girl to see that a man truly loves her but she just doesn't love him back? She's never had anyone love her and treat her the way I do and she's told me that MANY times. Could that still be not enough?

 

I guess I really need to stop over thinking and just enjoy the time we have together but as happy as I am now, my ex really destroyed me and I don't know if I can handle that again.

Posted

If you're distrustful just because of the music career, somebody could just as easily turn that around on you. Somebody could say you're a musician, so you must be somebody who would cheat. Yet, you're not a cheater. The same could be just as true for her, whether she's on the road herself or sitting at home waiting for you. If you don't want people to make assumptions about you, then don't make assumptions about them.

 

Your girlfriend has no reason to be with you if it's not what she wants. It is. She tells you and shows you that she really likes having you around. There is no reason at all to doubt that.

 

Now, is any of this a guarantee for the future? I can't tell you it is because every relationship is a risk. She might lose interest you. Then again, you might find out things that make you lose interest her. You never know until you've spent a substantial amount of time with somebody. Even then, things may not be guaranteed.

 

I think that part of your problem is that you're terrified of what will happen if you lose her. You need to have more confidence in yourself. If you and her ever do split, then it will have been for a reason. Just as with your wife, it means you would be better off without her. Life holds opportunities for those who search for them, regardless of the bumps in the road. The thought of losing her shouldn't be that terrifying because you will be okay one way or the other.

  • Like 2
Posted

Hey bro. I'm glad to hear things have been going so well for you.

 

Have you had any counseling since your divorce?

Posted

This woman is beautiful, confident, charming, kind, and supportive. But she is also very independent and sometimes shut off from being in a bad relationship with her ex and being a single mom. I just want her to know that she doesn't have to be that way anymore because we were meant to find each other. I love her and her son. They make me happy.

 

And she wants you to know that YOU don't have to be that way anymore with her either because you are meant for each other and she loves you and you make her happy.

 

You have no control over life, you can only do your best and I think you are and that is why you are this happy.

 

If something ever happens you'll cross that bridge when you get there. You cannot hold back being totally happy just because 'what if she cheats on me'. You are denying yourself living in the moment. You have survived cheating once and came back better and stronger, god forbid it was to happen again, you will survive and come out of it just fine.

  • Author
Posted

Yes, my ex and I were supposed to attend MC separately during separation. Then I found I was the only one attending. But I went as long as I could and THEN saw a personal counselor at my college. It was the biggest help I could ask for.

  • Author
Posted
And she wants you to know that YOU don't have to be that way anymore with her either because you are meant for each other and she loves you and you make her happy.

 

You have no control over life, you can only do your best and I think you are and that is why you are this happy.

 

If something ever happens you'll cross that bridge when you get there. You cannot hold back being totally happy just because 'what if she cheats on me'. You are denying yourself living in the moment. You have survived cheating once and came back better and stronger, god forbid it was to happen again, you will survive and come out of it just fine.

 

 

 

Thank you for that. Over-thinking and the "what ifs" are a major problem for me and I just want to fix it because I know that women HATE insecure men. I just know that I have something with this girl that I've never had before so I want to take things slow and give our relationship a real chance to grow and solidify. We both talked about our fears in our past relationships and how guarded we both are. But she's way more guarded because she had a kid to think about. The next issue will be trying to continue breaking down her walls and making her believe in us.

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